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After being in a relationship for many years and now engaged to my wonderful fiancee, I still have trouble with saying "MY" versus "OURS". Anybody else have the same problem?
Hm. Well, when my wife and I were looking for a house, I would tell the agent that *I* preferred this or *I* like this kind of budget, etc. And that would **** her off (my wife, not the agent).
But that's mostly because I don't speak for other people...I AM my own person and those were MY preferences...I don't do *we speak* and don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or feeling.
But it's OUR house and OUR furniture and OUR yard...my cars are MINE because I drive them...so I use the word MY with the cars to distinguish which ones I drive (vs my wife's car, which she drives exclusively). Which doesn't mean she couldn't drive any one of my cars...it's just like MY toothbrush or MY underwear, you know?
Op, if you are getting bent out of shape about what YOU paid for, you might reconsider this marriage thing for a while. It's not a welcoming, gracious, sharing attitude...and it's not the right frame of mind for coupledom.
My fiancee does work but makes about 1/4 of what I make per year so I end up paying all the bills. She isn't exactly high maintenance but does enjoy living a fairly comfortable lifestyle- enjoying her manicures/pedicures, shopping trips with her friends, fairly expensive name-brand items (Coach, Gucci, etc). I don't ever bother her about it because it's HER money and I guess I feel she can spend it as she sees fit but I guess it does get under my skin a BIT when she tells me she just purchased a $800 purse (which is roughly what she earns in a week) and yet doesn't help pay anything.
Please forgive me for not reading the whole thread.
But that right there is a HUGE red flag. I know your post is about the terminology you use for the house, but honestly? If she is not giving you ANYthing toward household expenses and she's spending $800 on a purse, she is not ready to get married by a long stretch. Her priorities are all wrong.
Her first responsibility should be toward her food and shelter--meaning household expenses--not her wardrobe. No one is saying to split the bills 50-50 when there is a huge disparity of income. Likewise, no one is saying that she should pay the mortgage on a home for which her name is not on the deed, particularly once she's married.
But come on, now. If she has $800 to spend on a pocketbook, she has money to give you for food, electricity, and temperature control, especially if she doesn't have a car payment.
And if she doesn't have the $800 and she's using credit cards to pay for luxuries like that, I would urge you to RUN, not walk, to the nearest exit.
Having said that, I also think you have set her up to believe that she can expect you to take care of her. If you never put the brakes on before marriage, you can't suddenly change your direction because marriage is now in the picture. I imagine her spending habits have always bothered you, but you are only now having issues with it because it threatens your assets.
You have to be willing to share everything with her before you marry her. If you're not, you might want to rethink the whole thing.
Good post. I agree that you have set certain expectations that may not be so easy to change. I think the larger issue here is that you both have different ways of managing money, and that can only lead to disaster down the line. How long were you together before you decided to marry her? I don't know your fiancee but she sounds selfish and immature to me. I would at least offer to pay my way.
And why the large disparity in incomes? Is she less educated? If so, what is she doing about it?
Good post. I agree that you have set certain expectations that may not be so easy to change. I think the larger issue here is that you both have different ways of managing money, and that can only lead to disaster down the line. How long were you together before you decided to marry her? I don't know your fiancee but she sounds selfish and immature to me. I would at least offer to pay my way.
And why the large disparity in incomes? Is she less educated? If so, what is she doing about it?
We've been together for about 4 years now, we broke it off once briefly for something unrelated to money but got back together very soon after.
I probably don't paint a rosy picture of my fiancee on this forum but I can assure you she isn't the type you may be thinking of. She's very sweet, nice, caring, etc. She's fun to be around, very much a type-A personality, witty, and I really DO love her. I can tell golddiggers from a mile away and she isn't one, she DOES like nice things but isn't the type to want a man to support her habits.
I should clarify that I never really ASKED for her to help pay the bills, utilities, etc etc because I was so used to paying everything when I was single, it just became routine. Now that we are engaged and to be married, I want to approach her about helping out but I guess I just don't know how to. She may have bought an $800 purse but it isn't like she is asking me to purchase it for her, she earns her money and spends it as well.
As for the large disparity of income...I guess I just have a higher paying job? I work as a lead engineer for a defense company in the Valley and my salary reflects the work I do. I work long hours, work a few hours in the home office on weekends, and am responsible for the actions of my team- I work hard for what I earn.
She works in retail, not a particularly glamorous or high-paying position. She has some education but never pursued it, she lived in an apartment before I met her. She DOES know what work is because when she was single, she had to support herself and couldn't afford expensive clothes, purses, jewelery, etc etc. I guess maybe I introduced her to a slightly different lifestyle and she has become accustomed to it BUT that's not to say if she had to start earning her way in life again, that she couldn't.
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I didn't think about the credit card thing. Speedy, your fiancee is not racking up CC debt, is she?
Neither of us have credit card debt . She has a credit card and pays off any balance at the end of the month. I have two different cards (one for work, one personal) and pay off the balance as well.
Ouch... This is one of the few things that can really instantly break the deal for me. CC debt-shoppers stay the F away.
I agree. It's a sure sign that they are flakey with their finances. I ignored this flag twice and it turned out both people were total flakes in life, period...not just with their finances.
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I probably don't paint a rosy picture of my fiancee on this forum but I can assure you she isn't the type you may be thinking of. She's very sweet, nice, caring, etc. She's fun to be around, very much a type-A personality, witty, and I really DO love her. I can tell golddiggers from a mile away and she isn't one, she DOES like nice things but isn't the type to want a man to support her habits.
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Alrighty than. Learn to say "ours", for everything you own, and "hers" for everything she owns. They are just words.
Good fortune.
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. She has a credit card and pays off any balance at the end of the month. I have two different cards (one for work, one personal) and pay off the balance as well.
