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Mountain, most of the time I agree when you post...not this time. She is nothing like a sweetheart. She is using him. If she was such a sweetheart, she would have realized that she needed to contribute to the household financially. She doesn't. She just spends and spends. And spends lavishly. She knows exactly what she's doing. Could she do this without him? Absolutely not!
My question to the OP? Does she do anything around the house? Cook? Clean? Anything to pay her way in the relationship?
Right now, I'm seeing this as a one-way street. You're giving and she's taking. It's only acceptable because she's a woman but if she was a man, all these women on here would be calling him a lazy SOB.
I'll say it...she's a lazy SOBss. <That's a female SOB.
Our OP is a grown man who has done very well for himself financially.
HE is the one who "never really ASKED for her to help pay the bills, utilities, etc etc..."
HE was the one who "introduced her to a slightly different lifestyle."
He finds her to be "very sweet, nice, caring, etc. She's fun to be around, very much a type-A personality, witty, etc"
AND knowing her for 4 years he feels very comfortable saying he knows she is not a "golddigger" and "isn't the type to want a man to support her habits".
There is nothing to indicate in anything he has written that she is "lazy".
AND...
He knows her, we don't.
He put himself in this position, she didn't.
If he didn't want to live this way, or if he didn't think she was worth it, he was/is free to do something different.
It sounds to me like she's a reasonable, caring woman and when he sits her down to discuss how they will handle things going forward, I'm betting she'll be relieved to know that he wants to work with her to figure out a game plan
Oddly enough I agree with BOTH lovesMountains AND donie1 above ^^^.
First of all, you need stop with this "not talking about it" (it being money) stuff. Got a financial guru? Make an appt. with him/her ASAP. Both of you attend.
When my (higher-earning) SO and I decided to buy a house together that's what we did. Better than any "marriage counseling" IMHO.
He gave us a "money styles" quiz that told us both a lot about ourselves and about each other when it came to saving and spending.
Then there is the part donie1 brings up about "contributing to the household". Must it always be monetary?
When I realized that I would not be able to match my partner's earning power, I made it a point to contibute in other ways.
As I currently only work PT, I make sure my 50+ hour a week engineer never ever has to touch a broom or a mop, he never needs to run a load of laundry, mow the lawn, or visit the grocery store. If I am not able to contribute financially I make sure to make it up with my time.
Oddly enough I agree with BOTH lovesMountains AND donie1 above ^^^.
First of all, you need stop with this "not talking about it" (it being money) stuff. Got a financial guru? Make an appt. with him/her ASAP. Both of you attend.
When my (higher-earning) SO and I decided to buy a house together that's what we did. Better than any "marriage counseling" IMHO.
He gave us a "money styles" quiz that told us both a lot about ourselves and about each other when it came to saving and spending.
Then there is the part donie1 brings up about "contributing to the household". Must it always be monetary?
When I realized that I would not be able to match my partner's earning power, I made it a point to contibute in other ways.
As I currently only work PT, I make sure my 50+ hour a week engineer never ever has to touch a broom or a mop, he never needs to run a load of laundry, mow the lawn, or visit the grocery store. If I am not able to contribute financially I make sure to make it up with my time.
good luck and best wishes!
Thank you my friend
This is where I am coming from too.
Contributing to the success of a marriage does not have to necessarily mean doing so with money
Our OP is a grown man who has done very well for himself financially.
HE is the one who "never really ASKED for her to help pay the bills, utilities, etc etc..."
HE was the one who "introduced her to a slightly different lifestyle."
He finds her to be "very sweet, nice, caring, etc. She's fun to be around, very much a type-A personality, witty, etc"
AND knowing her for 4 years he feels very comfortable saying he knows she is not a "golddigger" and "isn't the type to want a man to support her habits".
There is nothing to indicate in anything he has written that she is "lazy".
AND...
He knows her, we don't.
He put himself in this position, she didn't.
If he didn't want to live this way, or if he didn't think she was worth it, he was/is free to do something different.
It sounds to me like she's a reasonable, caring woman and when he sits her down to discuss how they will handle things going forward, I'm betting she'll be relieved to know that he wants to work with her to figure out a game plan
Let me put this another way then. If she's such a nice girl, blah, blah, blah, why does she NOT do her share? Why is she using him? Yes, she is using him financially. She is not putting anything positive in this relationship. So what she's charming and a Type A personality, she's also a user.
It doesn't matter to me if he can afford to live that lifestyle. It's obvious if he's asking this question, his gut is telling him something is wrong.
It's ok to be taken care of if it's the arrangement of the couple BUT she is using that and buying extravagant items that she normally would not be able to.
But you are right, Mountain, that he has chosen her and feels she is not a gold digger. Not until she takes him for everything he's got. It's on him but her lifestyle change will not happen after marriage, it will probably get worse.
So OP, keep working, work until you drop from her spending your hard earned money. It's your life and no one can tell you who to chose. It's up to you.
Mountain, would you say this if it was the other way around and it was the woman that was working hard and the man was spending his own money on lavish toys and not contributing to the household?
Plaid, absolutely not, it does NOT have to be monetary. Unless I missed him saying she takes care of the household chores and other chores. What I have read is that she is doing really nothing but spending on herself.
There could be another side of the story and I'd like to hear it.
I think SwissWife is someone like that on the forum who talked about this too. Her husband works and she does not. BUT she contributes to the household by organizing their trips and events, cleans and cooks for them. So she is contributing to the household even though it's not monetary.
Mountain and Plaid, would you say this if it was the other way around and it was the woman that was working hard and the man was spending his own money on lavish toys and not contributing to the household?
Interesting question
Knowing what I know about men, and understanding what makes them tick and feel a sense of self worth, I would be leery of any man in this situation.
Men and woman are wired completely differently and get their sense of accomplishment and self worth from different sources.
Men are hardwired to work, and the best of them are hardwired to work hard. When a man doesn't want to work at SOMETHING besides having a good time I think there are character flaws involved. Such a man would not be attractive to me (or many other women on an evolutionary basis).
As much as some might like to claim otherwise, men and women ARE different. They learn differently, they nurture differently, they provide for each other in different ways when they are married.
Men and women have different strengths and different weaknesses. We need to learn to celebrate and appreciate those differences instead of trying to insist that we can all be the same.
When a man doesn't want to work at SOMETHING besides having a good time I think there are character flaws involved.
Agreed and it's really the same for women as well. People who don't work at something aside from a good time, a good time that's paid for by another of all things, have character flaws in my book.
Originally Posted by donie1
Mountain and Plaid, would you say this if it was the other way around and it was the woman that was working hard and the man was spending his own money on lavish toys and not contributing to the household?
In our case, yes. But neither of us spends money on lavish toys, nor do I sit at home watching Oprah. LOL
One of the reasons I only work PT is that I have my own little business. We often joke that if it takes off, and I end up running an empire, HE will quit his job and stay home.
He is perfectly capable of staying home and doing a great job. I just taught him how to operate our complicated HE washer! In reality, he would probably continue to work outside of the home and we would pool our resources and hire outside help to run the household (lawn guy, cleaning lady etc etc).
In our case, yes. But neither of us spends money on lavish toys, nor do I sit at home watching Oprah. LOL
One of the reasons I only work PT is that I have my own little business. We often joke that if it takes off, and I end up running an empire, HE will quit his job and stay home.
He is perfectly capable of staying home and doing a great job. I just taught him how to operate our complicated HE washer! In reality, he would probably continue to work outside of the home and we would pool our resources and hire outside help to run the household (lawn guy, cleaning lady etc etc).
Yes, but see there's a different in your relationship and the OPs. You and your husband have an agreement and both of you are working towards the same goals.
In the case of the OP, I don't see were she's giving anything to the relationship other then being her sweet and kind self (as he sees it). Her money is her money but his money is their money. I don't see that as fair unless she is doing more then what he hasn't written down. I see her as just spending his money and living there free.
Mountain, while I do realize that men and women are wired differently, I don't give a free pass to a woman that doesn't contribute to a relationship. It's got to be some type of responsibility on both sides for the partnership to work.
I have both a son and daughter and I've raised them that they both have a responsibility to their partner. They must take but they also must give. No one can do all the taking and the other all the giving.
I would never want my daughter to feel she is entitled to be her husband's "little princess" and her do nothing but spend $800 on a handbag each month while he works like a dog.
As I wouldn't want my son to work like a dog while his "little princess" sat home and ate bonbons all day.
Very interesting replies, I'm looking at the situation through different angles and I guess I can see where it may seem that my fiancee is using me. I do want to clarify though...she DOES work, not sitting around the house "eating bon bons". She has a regular, full-time job and isn't lazy in that regard.
I guess after dating someone for a few years, you get to know them and I feel as if I know my fiancee well enough to know she isn't using me for my finances.
Does she contribute to the relationship? Yes. As far as cooking...I ENJOY cooking but she will help in the kitchen. Usually around 3 times per week we may just go out and eat, we both enjoy quite a few local eateries that aren't hard on the wallet.
Does she clean? Well...no. I have for many, many years hired a cleaning lady to come in once a week and clean the house. I HATE cleaning but I LOVE cleanliness! I would much rather pay someone to clean my house than to do it myself, I love a clean house but I don't care to come home after a 10 hour day and dust/vacumn/scrub everything. Should I ask her to clean? Maybe. The ONLY fear I have is that she WILL obey my wishes and clean the house but I come home and it's not clean ENOUGH for me and I become critical. My current cleaning lady has cleaned the house for as long as I can remember and she doesn't an EXCELLENT job and gets around $30/ hour. Well worth it to come home to a very fresh, clean, and organized home.
Tonight I'm going to approach her about the finances and see once what happens, I think she'll be more than understanding and chip in for some basic expenses. I don't even think it's the dollar amount she chips in that I care about, it's the fact that she's attempting to help which makes the difference.
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If I am not able to contribute financially I make sure to make it up with my time. 
In reality, he would probably continue to work outside of the home and we would pool our resources and hire outside help to run the household (lawn guy, cleaning lady etc etc).
