Who's house is it? MY house (girlfriend, man, engagement, separate)
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With kind respect intended, I regrettably cannot agree with the position below. While I am not "married" per se, I personally pay almost $4k a month on my mortgage, and support two dependant immediate family members financially, who are living with me. The trouble is, they have also taken advantage of this generosity, since they had their names placed on the house deed and title, while at the same time contributing *nothing whatsoever* to household expenses at all, not even utilities. I pay *everything*, every month, and as a result, I cannot afford to contribute anything at all to my retirement portfolio.
It' all well and good to talk about "sharing everything", in theory...but in practice, what does one do when the other party (spouse, family, etc.) takes advantage of it, but gives or contributes absolutely nothing back in return? And flat out refuses, when you ask them to help out, and when they have at least some means available to do so? That only creates a moral hazard, IMO
But you are not married to those family members. Taking care of them is your choice. If the OP feels that his fiancee will take advantage of him and not contribute, he should not marry her.
Yes why are you providing everything for her? why did you buy her a car?
And why are you the primary breadwinner? do you make more money than her? does she work? does she help out in anyway?
We need someone who is going to compliment us..not depend on us.
My fiancee does work but makes about 1/4 of what I make per year so I end up paying all the bills. She isn't exactly high maintenance but does enjoy living a fairly comfortable lifestyle- enjoying her manicures/pedicures, shopping trips with her friends, fairly expensive name-brand items (Coach, Gucci, etc). I don't ever bother her about it because it's HER money and I guess I feel she can spend it as she sees fit but I guess it does get under my skin a BIT when she tells me she just purchased a $800 purse (which is roughly what she earns in a week) and yet doesn't help pay anything.
And I didn't buy her car per say but after I announced our engagement to my parents, they went out and purchased a 2010 Caddy as a "congratulations" gift which because I drive my F-150, the SUV became "hers". I love my fiancee, my parents think she's great, and I honestly don't care if she drives it, not a source of contention and I even refer to it as "hers". "Do we want to take my truck or your Escalade?" Not a big deal to me.
We have a great relationship, we honestly do. I'm not trying to come off as being a controlling or selfish person because I honestly don't believe I am. It's just after being single for 7 years, I haven't gotten out of the routine of referring to a singular ownership of items.
And I could post pics of "our" house but I can assure you, it's very much non-bachelor pad material.
After being in a relationship for many years and now engaged to my wonderful fiancee, I still have trouble with saying "MY" versus "OURS". Anybody else have the same problem?
I still frequently refer to things as "mine" and well to be honest, they are "mine". I know marriage is going to be a big step and I'm fully committed to my fiancee but I've always had trouble with saying things are "ours" especially when I'm paying for just about everything. I bought the house, all the vehicles (including HER Caddy), all the furnishings, and I am the primary breadwinner for the household.
I'm not trying to be controlling, I've just been single for so many years that I've gotten into the habit of referring to everything as "mine". This irks her a bit and I'm working on it but has anyone had the same problem? I hate to think I'm alone in this situation.
She has recently suggested that once we get married, we buy a home together as a shared partnership. The thing is, besides the fact I love the current house we live in, I would still end up being the person to pay the mortgage on a different house. This doesn't make sense to me especially considering that the home I own isn't at all a 'bachelor pad'.
Opinions? Anyone been in the same boat? Primary breadwinners, do you pay or split the bills with a spouse?
Don't marry her until she can bring something to the relationship and help out with fiances. You'll be resentful after awhile of someone always taking and never giving. For the house to be both of yours, she needs to contribute even if she's paying the utilities.
I guess to her, it's not really about the money, it's about the fact that you live together (or will be). You may pay the mortgage but she still lives there and so it IS her home too. If it's YOUR home then what is she, homeless? To be honest, it sounds like it bugs you a little bit that she doesn't pay for anything so this should be the issue to address. If you don't want to pay for everything, tell her it's time she contributed a bit more to the bills. This is definitely an issue you need to resolve before getting married.
My husband is the "breadwinner" but I do work full time as well - our money goes into the same account and simply becomes one pot that everything gets paid out of. So there is no issue of "splitting the bills" because it's OUR money, not "his" money and "my" money.
What's so bad though, about having separate bank accounts, if one is married? One major risk a person with a joint account with a spouse, family member, etc. faces is that if the other party suddently decides they want to "cash out" the account and totally split, they can easily do so. And it would be perfectly legal, as well -- the person whose joint account was depleted, has no legal recourse against it. At least, that was my own personal understanding as far as I was aware, regarding the pros and cons of having joint accounts with a loved one.
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 05-23-2011 at 09:24 AM..
Reason: Corrected typos
Don't marry her until she can bring something to the relationship and help out with fiances. You'll be resentful after awhile of someone always taking and never giving. For the house to be both of yours, she needs to contribute even if she's paying the utilities.
I agree. I think you can come up with a mutually agreeable budget. My husband and I both contribute to a household account; he makes more than I do and contributes more. He has more pocket money left over than I do too.
In my opinion, it's not fair if both spouses work and one gets all the bills while the other gets all the spending money. That's fine if it's what the couple wants and agrees upon, but it sounds like it isn't working for the OP. He should work this out now, before he gets married.
My fiancee does work but makes about 1/4 of what I make per year so I end up paying all the bills. She isn't exactly high maintenance but does enjoy living a fairly comfortable lifestyle- enjoying her manicures/pedicures, shopping trips with her friends, fairly expensive name-brand items (Coach, Gucci, etc). I don't ever bother her about it because it's HER money and I guess I feel she can spend it as she sees fit but I guess it does get under my skin a BIT when she tells me she just purchased a $800 purse (which is roughly what she earns in a week) and yet doesn't help pay anything.
And I didn't buy her car per say but after I announced our engagement to my parents, they went out and purchased a 2010 Caddy as a "congratulations" gift which because I drive my F-150, the SUV became "hers". I love my fiancee, my parents think she's great, and I honestly don't care if she drives it, not a source of contention and I even refer to it as "hers". "Do we want to take my truck or your Escalade?" Not a big deal to me.
We have a great relationship, we honestly do. I'm not trying to come off as being a controlling or selfish person because I honestly don't believe I am. It's just after being single for 7 years, I haven't gotten out of the routine of referring to a singular ownership of items.
And I could post pics of "our" house but I can assure you, it's very much non-bachelor pad material.
I do have to say she is one selfish women..Why is it ok for you to pay all the bills and her not contribute...Im not saying for her to pay the amount you pay..but come on..she has money for luxuries but yet she cant contribute to the household
I say don't marry her..she is showing you..how she handles finances and has no care to help out, and since you've been single for a while..you don't know what a good women is? Your willing to settle for some women...who is taking a advantage of you...and your so blind with the relationship..you won't see it
I don't think you are controlling..I think you believe you are entitled to have her live like a princess..like she deserves all these things???
Purses. manicures, pedicures, and yet she cant say let me contribute too?
Of course you have no problem....your letting her get away with it..I bet if you said I think you should help out in someway..then you'd have problems.
Im high maintance..But I get my clothes at the 2nd handstore..I wear name brand clothes too..I have name brand purses too..not fake ones but the real ones..I paid $10 for a dooney n burkey purse..My hermes was only 20..the 2nd handstore had no idea it was worth more...
I don't think she is a compliment for you but rather a user..
What's so bad though, about having separate bank accounts, if one is married?
I didn't necessarily say there was (I was just sharing my own personal situation because the OP asked how other couples handle money and bills) - but if having separate accounts is going to cause issues of "my money", "your money" and who earns what and who pays for what, then it's going to be a problem. I'm sure plenty of couples have separate accounts and it works for them... but obviously, it's not working for the OP and his fiance.
The crux of the matter isn't how you label things, but how you'll split things if you ever divorce. What's YOURS now may no longer be YOURS upon divorce - that depends on state law and the skills of your lawyer. If you've paid for everything so far, then you'll probably want a good pre-nup. If you don't care that she may be entitled to half your assets, then just get married. However, in most states, I believe that anything you owned and brought into the marriage remains yours - UNLESS you somehow mingled the assets, used them for a post-marriage joint investment, or she contributed to paying for or improving the home, for example.
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