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Since it's frowned upon in Puritanical America for males to have fluid sexuality, is the fact that I find other males attractive something that I "have" to reveal as a part of who I am to a girl? I've never dated a guy, never had sex with a guy, never fallen in love with a guy, but know when other dudes are hot. I feel really guilty about it because I'm told, as a male, I'm either 100% straight, or gay, there is no in between so I feel guilty dating women because I feel like I'm hiding something from them.
I've started hanging out with a girl who's really into me and I really like her, but I'm programmed to feel like I'm leading a double life just because I think a ripped, shirtless dude looks good.
I agree with the people who are saying that you don't need to tell her. If you want you can try to approach the subject in a subtle way, just so you can have an idea of what she thinks about it. It's hard to know whether a girl will mind that you notice guys, and if it's something you don't really act on, I don't think it's worth to tell her about it. Even though people are slowly becoming more accepting, the idea of being either 100% straight/gay still prevails in the mind of a lot of people.
Are you cool with the fact that if you break up with her she will tell the whole university/work/social circle/family/and their mother that you are so gay? If it ends badly, she will want to get even. If you tell her and she is not okay with it, she will tell everybody after she dumps you. Face it, unless you are ready to come out of that closet, you are not doing anyone any favors. Just don't get married if you think you might do it someday. Lies are not cool either.
With 3 billion women in the world, I think that's a very poor sample size. I also find anal sex repulsive.
OK VT, how far do your fantasies go? All we know is that you find some guys hot and that you find AS repulsive. Sounds pretty normal to me. When you have fantasies about men, can you imagine kissing them? Do you fantasize about someone specific like a best friend, or are they strangers or faceless men. Have you ever had the butterflies with a man? Or had other feelings of strong chemistry with a man? These are the telltale signs of whether you're truly bi.
I've had gay fantasies myself, but: 1. I can't imagine kissing a woman 2. they were centered around people I didn't know very well, never around a friend 3. I never had the butterflies or developed true romantic feelings towards a woman and 4. At the times when I actually had a chance to act on these fantasies, I ran for the hills. In this case I wouldn't feel obligated to divulge them to a partner unless I thought it was a fantasy that he would enjoy hearing about and even then I'd be reluctant for fear he'd want to find us a third party to act out on it.
My ex on the other hand: 1. Fantasized a lot about kissing men and found it very romantic 2. Had a huge crush on his (non-gay) best friend while growing up 3. and reached a point where he was actively seeking out gay experiences. The main thing that stopped him when he was younger was fear--fear of HIV, fear of social consequences and what his family would say.
If this is you, I see no reason to share your fantasies b/c she probably won't want to hear about them, but you could tell her you think you're bi and let her make an informed choice.
Oh, yeah, gotta tell her. Don't waste her time if she's not interested in sharing you with a guy.
I'm no Dr. Drew here but I'm going take a wild stab in the dark and say the percentage of women who will want to share their boyfriend or husband with a guy is going to be miniscule. They don't want share us with other women, so why in hell are they going to share him with another guy??
In my opinion you are seriously jumping the gun. Based on your first post I'm under the impression that you and this girl you're seeing aren't that serious. So why do you feel the need to tell her about your fantasies? Does she tell you about hers? Has she ever asked you if you are interested in men? If she has asked you then that's another story. However, if she hasn't it's none of her business. Men (Bi, Gay or Straight) fantasize about all sorts of things they will most likely never do but they don't feel the need to tell everyone they're dating about it and neither should you.
What you should do is not date anyone too seriously until you figure it all out. It's very possible that you can "try" a guy out and realize that you're not Bi at all. Steven Tyler just said that he tried it once but it wasn't his thing. You may be the same. It's also possible that you have sex with a guy and like it, making you truly Bi, which is fine. The bottom line, too many questions and not enough answers. But if you don't get this settled to where you're comfortable and solely date women, you're attraction to men will grow simply because you've denied yourself. Kind of like being on a diet (the more you deny yourself something the more you want it) and if this happens you may become one of those pathetic men who cheat on their wives with other men. Which is sad for all involved.
So, if you haven't done anything sexual with this girl don't tell her anything. However if you two become sexually involved and you cheat and have sex outside that relationship (with a man or woman), yes tell her. She deserves to know.
Even if you realize that you're Bi it doesn't mean you can't be in a monogamous relationship. Bi people aren't ruled by their genitals any more than Gay/Straight people. That's a homophobic stereotype.
I don't totally get your situation. You can admire a guy who is attractive. But do you actually feel attracted or is it just objective, like you know in an intellectual way he is attractive?
Since it's frowned upon in Puritanical America for males to have fluid sexuality, is the fact that I find other males attractive something that I "have" to reveal as a part of who I am to a girl? I've never dated a guy, never had sex with a guy, never fallen in love with a guy, but know when other dudes are hot. I feel really guilty about it because I'm told, as a male, I'm either 100% straight, or gay, there is no in between so I feel guilty dating women because I feel like I'm hiding something from them.
I've started hanging out with a girl who's really into me and I really like her, but I'm programmed to feel like I'm leading a double life just because I think a ripped, shirtless dude looks good.
I don't see how this is a big issue. So you can appreciate a man who's put the effort into looking fantastic; as long as you don't get an ERECTION looking at them, or start thinking about shirtless men in your off time, I don't think it even needs to be thought about. It's more like appreciating artwork, than being bi/gay.
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