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Too many people are suggesting just cutting ties and moving on. Is that really the best move?
Yes. It's pretty much impossible to get over someone when you're constantly around them. I first suggested moving out and not being around her as much - but if that's not working, the only solution is to cut ties completely, at least until she has moved on and can be around her friend without falling madly in love with her.
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And if she's truly such a great friend, I doubt she'll end your friendship over your confession.
If she is truly a great friend, she will eventually come to realize that continuing the friendship is hurting her best friend more than it's helping her.
I have been in this situation except I was the friend and my best friend was a guy. He was deeply in love with me for years and I knew about it but didn't feel the same way and he knew that. I figured it was just something he'd get over with time. Unfortunately, that never happened and after knowing him for 8 years, I finally pulled the plug on our friendship for his sake. He didn't have the will power to do it himself but it was clear that after 8 years of knowing and loving me, he was never going to move on and find someone to love him back if he didn't get away from me. It might seem harsh but I did it for his own good. Several years later, he got back in touch with me - he's now engaged to the woman he already has 2 kids with.
Yes, I know it really hurt both of us to cut ties and not see each other for years (probably him more than me) but I truly feel I did the right thing because the more time we spent together, the more and more he fell in love with me, even though I'd made it perfectly clear I would never feel the same way. It sucks but sometimes you have to do things in life that hurt because they are better for everyone involved in the long run.
Thank you guys for your help and yes, I believe that cutting ties completely is not the right thing to do. She will be hurt and crushed and I cannot afford that .
I think I should focus more on myself and try to meet new people, make new friends and even date but easier said than done . Moving on someone you deeply love is not something you do overnight . It will take time and it will painful but that's the only thing I can do , I hope it works .
In cases of cutting ties... It is a good idea. And eventually in time once the hurt heals, you can start to build a friendship again.
If you love someone and they don't love you in return you are going to continue to hurt yourself and in time develop resentment and anger towards the one who rejected you. By cutting ties and healing you can become friends again and resolve the outstanding concerns.
The only definition of 'Love' I've ever bought was: "The willingness to put anothers happiness before your own."
I have 'loved women' who's happiness has included them being with someone else other than me. I have supported them, (While letting them know it was not my ideal situation) and told them I would be there if I were needed and tried to support their happiness.
So, my question to you is:
Is it love, or is it some form of lust? (Been there too)
I love her in a romantic sense and I desire her as well , sexually, I mean . But it's more than just a temporary wave of lust, I've been feeling this way for more than 6 years .
In cases of cutting ties... It is a good idea. And eventually in time once the hurt heals, you can start to build a friendship again.
If you love someone and they don't love you in return you are going to continue to hurt yourself and in time develop resentment and anger towards the one who rejected you. By cutting ties and healing you can become friends again and resolve the outstanding concerns.
Maybe you're right but every time I make up my mind to move out , I end up hesitating whenever I think about her . and I start questioning, what if she needed me ? what if she hated me for leaving ? and they go on and on .. it's so damn self-defeating .
Maybe you're right but every time I make up my mind to move out , I end up hesitating whenever I think about her . and I start questioning, what if she needed me ? what if she hated me for leaving ? and they go on and on .. it's so damn self-defeating .
Too many people are suggesting just cutting ties and moving on. Is that really the best move? I don't think so. They've been friends for ten years. They're best friends. She'd be crushed for losing her friend and her friend would be crushed as well. That's not something you do to someone you care about.
Best thing to do imo is to suffer through it until it gets better. That might be painful for awhile, but you'll be alright eventually. First, you need to tell her. Yes, that might make things worse. Yes, you know she'll say no. Yes, it's possible that will be the end of your friendship. But what is also quite possible is that she says no, you get all your feelings and thoughts out there-which helps-and you continue being friends. Talking about it will help you process it and better get over it. And if she's truly such a great friend, I doubt she'll end your friendship over your confession.
After you tell her and she rejects you (as you know will happen), you'll have to come to terms with that and accept it, which might be hard at first, but if you really want to preserve your friendship, you'll have to. Talk about it with others if you can. If it continues to cause you unhealthy pain, perhaps see a therapist. And try to get out there and meet some lesbian women. Hopefully you'll meet someone you really like and then you'll be into her and get over your romantic feelings for your best friend.
Also, while you might be infatuated ('in-love') with her romantically, since she's your best friend, you also love/care about her (love in the purest sense of the word)...so what does that mean? That you want what's best for her and want her to be happy. So start focusing on that more and on yourself less. Yes, seeing her with these guys might be painful to you, but it you should also be happy that your friend is happy and flourishing. Be happy for her even if you can't have her for yourself. And if you can learn to do that, it'll be much easier to get over her.
And yes, it might be wise to move out depending on your situation. You don't have to stop seeing her and can still be her best friend, but moving out might very well help you get over her.
Good luck! You can do it...
Thanks a lot. you really summed up my feelings so well . I believe what you suggested is the best thing to do right now.
Sounds like you need to widen your circle of people you socialize with. That way you have a chance of meeting someone that could become just as special. What you are going thru right now is not at all unusual. It's part of maturing and learning to cope and adjust. Just start socializing in a way that doesnt include her and sooner or later you will have a new group of friends. This is not to say that you must omit her from all activities. But the sooner you realize and accept that more and more of her time will be taken up with her boyfriend,the sooner you will be able to move on. The last thing you should do is hover around them feeling jealous and resentful. That will only exacerbate the problem. Good luck young lady! I'm sure it will all work out in the long run.
Maybe you're right but every time I make up my mind to move out , I end up hesitating whenever I think about her . and I start questioning, what if she needed me ? what if she hated me for leaving ? and they go on and on .. it's so damn self-defeating .
If you move out and she needs you, she can call you. She's not going to hate you for moving out - people move out of shared homes all the time, it's really no big deal. You two aren't going to live together forever anyway, eventually she's going to want to live with or even marry a guy so either she'll move out or she'll ask you to move out. You're coming up with these pretend scenarios because you don't want to admit to yourself that moving out is really the best thing for you in the long run. And yes, it's okay to think about yourself! This is your emotional well being we're talking about here and do you really think your best friend would want you to compromise your emotional health for her sake?
I love her in a romantic sense and I desire her as well , sexually, I mean . But it's more than just a temporary wave of lust, I've been feeling this way for more than 6 years .
6 years, and she doesn't know that you want a Lesbian relationship with her. Sounds like you have all of your eggs in one basket, hoping she will come around. You know she won't or if she did it wouldn't work in the long run.
Have you ever dated other people, Romatically, men or woman? You really need to explore your interest in other people because this infatuation you have with your friend can not be healthy for you. If you can't figure it out for yourself get some help.
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