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I love my brothers but can't stand the wife of one of them. As another poster wrote, I "suck it up" and port myself amiably enough to keep peace. I have my brother to think about, and if I start acting like an a-hole then he could very well side with his wife, triggering a real problem.
There are a few in my husband's family that I can't stand, either ~ especially one brother. Let me add, this brother tends to not get along with a LOT of people. He has many personality issues, and occasionally something will crawl up his craw. I've literally had clashes with him. I often avoid him and places where he'll be; however, I can't do that all the time without putting his brother (my husband) on the spot. So, once in awhile I'll "suck it up" because I have to. And he really isn't intolerable all the time.
So, in short, I limit my time around these people. It's noticeable that I'm often "absent", but they know that I'm not a sociable person, anyway.
You can do the complete avoidance as a few posters suggested, but make sure that it will be worth it in the long run.
Wait - so you won't even talk to a friend on a phone if the person you don't like is with them? I'm sorry if I'm getting that wrong but that's what it sounds like. If that's the case, I really don't understand why that would prevent you from talking to a friend on the phone. I can understand why you wouldn't want to be around someone you don't like but to not even speak to someone you do like on the phone simply because they are near the person you don't like, I think that's unnecessary and unreasonable.
It's because they were eavesdropping on the convo and talking in the background. Then the phone gets passed off to them.
Who cares is they're your family? Millions of people have family members they despise and never see them. Usually these are sibling, but I've known a fair amount of people who are estranged from one or both of their parents.
I can't stand my sister and haven't seen her for 12 years. If I never see her again, no big deal. I don't like my father and haven't seen him in 20 years. I rarely give him a thought. I never liked Dr. Laura Schlessinger, but the one thing I agree with her on is this: "If you hate a family member, if they were abusive to you or made you miserable, divorce them."
I can't imagine any adult hanging around someone they hate just because they're "family." Grow a pair and live your OWN life, hanging around people who enrich you, love you and whom you enjoy.
You're answering a different question. It's not the family member that is disliked. It's the person they are with.
If you can't stand them or hate them and they won't change their negative behavior and you've tried to talk to them about it, then drop and move on. Life is too short to surrounding yourself with negative energy.
You're answering a different question. It's not the family member that is disliked. It's the person they are with.
Then you limit your time with the person while they are around the person you hate. See if you can get them alone and have your time with them without the SO.
Update, even though I just posted the question a couple hours ago.
I did the avoidance thing. I didn't speak on the phone for a couple days.
Then I did return the call when they were alone and they would not stop talking about their SO. I asked repeatedly if they could talk about something else. But, they wouldn't and it was thrown back at me that I wasn't happy for them, then more about how great their SO is and so on, never ending. I tried to change the subject and it wasn't happening. I said that this is an obsession if they wouldn't talk about something else, anything else. My blood just started to boil and I hung up on them. I'm going to have to barely talk to them, because it is leaving me feeling disturbed.
Update, even though I just posted the question a couple hours ago.
I did the avoidance thing. I didn't speak on the phone for a couple days.
Then I did return the call when they were alone and they would not stop talking about their SO. I asked repeatedly if they could talk about something else. But, they wouldn't and it was thrown back at me that I wasn't happy for them, then more about how great their SO is and so on, never ending. I tried to change the subject and it wasn't happening. I said that this is an obsession if they wouldn't talk about something else, anything else. My blood just started to boil and I hung up on them. I'm going to have to barely talk to them, because it is leaving me feeling disturbed.
Well, you tried.
I very rarely talk to family on the phone, and when I do it's with one of my brothers or a niece that I'm fond of. It's even rarer that I chat with one of my friends on the phone. (I'm a receptionist ~ I despise phones outside of work.)
It's because they were eavesdropping on the convo and talking in the background.
Sorry but I still think that's really extreme - so what if they hear one side of the conversation? And so what if they are talking in the background? Are you really that intolerant?
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Then the phone gets passed off to them.
Then that's the point you say "Oh, sorry, I have to go!" and hang up.
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Then I did return the call when they were alone and they would not stop talking about their SO. I asked repeatedly if they could talk about something else. But, they wouldn't and it was thrown back at me that I wasn't happy for them, then more about how great their SO is and so on, never ending. I tried to change the subject and it wasn't happening. I said that this is an obsession if they wouldn't talk about something else, anything else. My blood just started to boil and I hung up on them. I'm going to have to barely talk to them, because it is leaving me feeling disturbed.
Well, what do you expect? This person is your friend's SO, naturally a huge part of your friend's life... so if you want to be in your friend's life, you have to accept that their SO is going to be involved sometimes. You can't cut the SO out of their life when you're around just because you don't like the SO. It's not an obsession just because they want to talk about someone who means a lot to them. Sometimes we have to deal with people in life that we don't like. That's a part of being a mature adult.
I can certainly relate. I have a cousin who used to spend most of her time with my sis (she lived right next door)and man ! she's the worst kind of human you may ever meet : calculating, narrow-minded, envious, rude and so disrespectful of others around her . Whenever she befriends someone, she always does it with ulterior motive.
I haven't seen her in ages and I can't tell you how grateful I am !!
I'm asking this question because that's what I'm dealing with now, but it could pertain to anyone close to you.
I can not and never have been able to be around people socially that I don't like. By don't like, is that I don't have much respect for them because of how they treat people. For one, it's a bad time for me. And another, it's like I am supporting it if I participate.
This doesn't even have to pertain to SOs. It could be friends of friends or family.
So if this person is going to be around, then I am not. If that person is with the other person, then I end the phone call. I don't say it's because they are with that person, I am just not able to talk right now. I just don't want anything to do with it. It's not the same as an ultimatum, like "if you are friends with them, then we won't be friends". But, I'm just going to not be as available as before.
That is an option and one that I did take recently. The issue I ran into is that when I avoided a person purposely it changed the way I behaved. The last thing I wanted that person to think was that I was expecting a reaction from her. That is being passive aggressive I think.
In the end, I had to accept that I don't always have to like a person but it didn't mean I had to avoid them. If I did that, it gave them a sort of power over me.
ETA: I just saw your post #16. You could say, "I am sorry you feel that way. You need to get off the phone with me and talk to your SO. I hope you can resolve your problems. Talk later." or if they were talking positively about their SO say "I am so happy for you." Change the subject or have a good reason to hang up. Say the same thing over and over. Your reaction has to be predictable and final.
Last edited by crisan; 05-29-2011 at 05:53 AM..
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