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Old 06-02-2011, 09:38 PM
 
1,426 posts, read 1,092,829 times
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I talked endlessly in another thread about my wife and her almost 3 year long friendship with a single male friend, and them getting into what I suppose would be an emotional affair.

Basically they got in the habit of coming home every night and without fail getting online and talking to each other. At the beginning of their relationship, she apparently thought him and I would make great friends (since we both write music), and attempted to get me and him to talk online to each other. He seemed like an okay guy, but I really wasn't interested in making friends, and he seemed more like "her friend" at that point.

We ended up having him over during a get together with friends, her and him seemed to really like each other, I think they both "glowed" at the sight of one another. She admits he has a crush on her, but denies having one on him. Him and I had a talk during the first get together and he claimed "I'm not a home wrecker.." and that they just enjoy talking to each other and are friends only.

We ended up meeting with him maybe 4-5 times after that, my wife set him up with one of her friends, he brought a date over for another, and I think he shows her dating websites he is on and some girls he was interested in dating.

Personally - I have 100% faith that my wife wouldn't cheat with him. I think they just enjoy talking to each other and that she likes playing match maker and conversing with him. I don't feel that my wife is going to leave me for him, or anything like that. In fact - just this year we ended up moving out of state. We have discussed him and other friends coming for a visit but I doubt that will ever happen. I actually feel bad for him, due to some family issues he opened up about, and the way life is playing out for him I suppose. He's been trying to reach out and start a friendship with me more so recently and it sounds like he could use a friend, but...I don't know. I know my wife has vented to him about me and that he's made some sexual jokes in the past (which she claims she "told him to stop..") so even though I don't think that still goes on, it's a bit awkward talking to each other..

Anyway, my wife and I have grown apart over the years and part of it I attribute to her having an emotional relationship with him. She claims it's just a friendship, but the undeniable light bulb moment that "somethings wrong with this.." came recently when I drove 40 minutes to pick her up from work, waited 90 minutes for her to get out (she got out late), and then drove the 40 minutes back home - all in complete silence, as without saying a word to me she gets on her phone, IM's the guy and starts having a conversation with him.

Every other instance I could sort of rationalize away - "yeah he made a sexual joke, but that's not the nature of their relationship and it's not like my wife actually would.. " or "yeah she got on her computer and talked to him after we got home from drinks, but he's her friend, and friends talk.." etc etc etc.

But that was the slap in the face, undeniable - she's ignoring her husband to tell her male friend about her day - moment.

Anyway, we came to the brink of divorce recently, she stopped getting on her laptop and we've been doing activities together, and have been doing much better. But - she "still has feelings for him as a friend!" He's emailed her saying "Where are you? I miss you!" and she's replied that she's been busy working (apparently not telling him her and I need to work on issues, them being one..).

So my question - what do I do with regards to them? My issue was that she was spending too much time talking to him each night, and sharing jokes and stories etc with him instead of me. I don't want to completely ban them from talking as they've developed a 3 year long friendship, but...is that wise?
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Old 06-02-2011, 10:29 PM
 
2,596 posts, read 2,737,917 times
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I answered you in the earlier thread, but since you didn't respond...

1. You two need to get counseling together to work on these issues. The counselor can make a better judgment call than we can about what needs to happen with this guy and also address the problems that you and your wife are having in the marriage. If something needs to be done (like you need to spend more time with your wife, stop shunning her family, and she needs to give up this guy), hearing it from a third party will have more impact than her telling you to get off the piano already, or you telling her to not talk to him any more.

2. I think she needs to stop talking to this guy. However, you also have some issues that you've brought into the marriage that you are choosing not to address because you are hyper-focusing on this guy. You are leaving out here the fact that she is very close to her family and you don't like them and go upstairs to sulk at the piano when they come over. You are leaving out here that she has mentioned your habit of shutting her out and doing your music thing for hours at a time. She is 100% responsible for any emotional affair that may have started. However, both of you are responsible for allowing the marriage to get into a vulnerable state, where it was ripe for an emotional affair to start. If you fail to address the inherent weaknesses in the marriage you've created, you will simply wind up with the same problems over and over again. Maybe she gets rid of this guy, but finds another, etc.

3. Out of curiosity, is she talking to him during the time you're shutting her out in the other room with your headphones on? Is it possible she's doing that to get at you a little? I suspect that even if you've cut back on the actual amount of time spent, the fact that you went overboard in the past makes it a sore spot for her. You were so very insulted that she didn't care to talk to you about her day in that 40 minute car ride. Maybe she was equally hurt and "slapped in the face" that you went upstairs and shut the door on her night after night to indulge your hobbies at the expense of making her feel like you were engaged in her. Sounds like he was offering a listening ear that you were not. It takes two to get a marriage so far off track and a lot of ignoring on your part. What were you doing for the 3 years where it got this bad, anyway? It might be better if both of you go cold turkey for awhile and get your marriage back on track.
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Old 06-03-2011, 12:05 AM
 
1,426 posts, read 1,092,829 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by h886 View Post

1. You two need to get counseling together to work on these issues. The counselor can make a better judgment call than we can about what needs to happen with this guy and also address the problems that you and your wife are having in the marriage. If something needs to be done (like you need to spend more time with your wife, stop shunning her family, and she needs to give up this guy), hearing it from a third party will have more impact than her telling you to get off the piano already, or you telling her to not talk to him any more.
Me asking questions on here is not in place of efforts to repair our marriage.


Quote:
Originally Posted by h886 View Post

2. I think she needs to stop talking to this guy. However, you also have some issues that you've brought into the marriage that you are choosing not to address because you are hyper-focusing on this guy. You are leaving out here the fact that she is very close to her family and you don't like them and go upstairs to sulk at the piano when they come over. You are leaving out here that she has mentioned your habit of shutting her out and doing your music thing for hours at a time. She is 100% responsible for any emotional affair that may have started. However, both of you are responsible for allowing the marriage to get into a vulnerable state, where it was ripe for an emotional affair to start. If you fail to address the inherent weaknesses in the marriage you've created, you will simply wind up with the same problems over and over again. Maybe she gets rid of this guy, but finds another, etc.
I'm not hyper focusing on this guy, I'm just asking questions from this forum that pertains to their relationship.

You are turning one specific incident of me going upstairs and "ignoring" them into a regular occurrence, which it's not. In fact her sisters are coming over this Friday and I will be cooking for them. The issue with that thread if I remember right is having them over every day off - which get's annoying when you're a young married couple who just moved into your first house. Add in realizing you have marital problems and come to realize you and your wife have grown apart - having her family over every day you two have off, is an issue. That has since stopped and we've been spending those days off rebuilding our friendship, and I think the barriers have fostered a better relationship between her family and me..hence me cooking for the sisters on Friday.


Quote:
Originally Posted by h886 View Post

3. Out of curiosity, is she talking to him during the time you're shutting her out in the other room with your headphones on? Is it possible she's doing that to get at you a little? I suspect that even if you've cut back on the actual amount of time spent, the fact that you went overboard in the past makes it a sore spot for her. You were so very insulted that she didn't care to talk to you about her day in that 40 minute car ride. Maybe she was equally hurt and "slapped in the face" that you went upstairs and shut the door on her night after night to indulge your hobbies at the expense of making her feel like you were engaged in her. Sounds like he was offering a listening ear that you were not. It takes two to get a marriage so far off track and a lot of ignoring on your part. What were you doing for the 3 years where it got this bad, anyway? It might be better if both of you go cold turkey for awhile and get your marriage back on track.
No, it's not just when I'm away that she's talking to him. Like tonight - I picked her up from work, we got food and came home to eat and watch tv. I plopped down on the couch, she changed, came back and sat down, picked up her laptop and checked email etc. She didn't sign on AIM to talk to him, but that's basically the routine. It's a routine. Or on her phone always being signed in on AIM and messaging throughout the day.

Ugh, I didn't go upstairs and "ignore her night after night." I mentioned 3 hours in the other thread, but that was rare. Also, the "go upstairs" ability only started in March of this year once we bought this house.

H886 - I really don't want to get into this again, on this thread. Your logic is that the only reason spouses have friends outside their partners is that "their spouse tune them out." You assume their "innocent friendship" is viewed as a threat from the beginning, but I think it's more insidious, something that slowly develops and before you know it, they find themselves emotionally invested in this other person. I think the problem for my wife was placing the "boundary lines" at a physically sexual relationship - things like sharing stories about your spouse behind their back, venting about your spouse, criticizing your spouse, "tolerating" sexual jokes and discussions, etc etc was well within the boundary lines for her at the time.

I think my fault was when the friend came over and sat right up against my wife, "accidently" put his hand on her leg and took it off when my head turned, or egging on another friend who joked they were going to have sex in another room together - my fault was not putting a stop to it right there, right then. Instead, I held it in and complained to my wife after they left, but always got "it was just a joke.." or some variant. Anyway, wife's calling..
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Old 06-03-2011, 12:12 AM
 
Location: Texas
28,114 posts, read 24,084,256 times
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Would you be asking all this if she was friends with a woman...and still spent all her time chit-chatting and setting her up, involving herself in her life, etc?

Your problems in your marriage have not been brought on by this relationship. This is a red herring. It's irrelevant. It's not about you.

You need to fix your marriage...this is an issue apart from her friendships with various irrelevant people.

Marriages are not threatened from outside...they are threatened from within.
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Old 06-03-2011, 12:22 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, Arizona
1,571 posts, read 1,130,293 times
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"Just friends. . . . " If I had $50 for everytime a woman told me a guy that she knew was "just a friend", I would be typing this write now on my yacht off the coast of Cabo San Lucas.

I had one relationship where I was just a friend with a woman that was married. As soon as she started having problems in her marriage, guess what - not just friends anymore and that was long before she was even legally separated from her husband. About a year into our relationship, I started getting concerned about a guy she knew from college that she claimed was just a friend. Yep, she had him lined up either during or right after our relationship imploded. It wasn't long before a guy she knew that was. . . .yeah, you guessed it "just a friend" appeared on the scene when she was with the guy she left me for and they are now together. Male attention for women is like a line of cocaine to an addict. They just can't say no.

There is a great book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass that offers alot of insight into that situation.

With the wisdom that has come from experiences like that, all I have learned is that it is always better to be the guy that is "just a friend" and not the husband or boyfriend she is with (which at some point becomes boring to a woman) that takes care of her and pays her bills while she roams through the word fishing for new attention and guys that are "just friends". Even if that guy vanished from the Earth without a trace tomorrow, there will always be another one, more pathetic and desperate than him, waiting for the right moment to move in and try to take what you wish was yours. It's the nature of our species and it's a cruel game.

And yeah, I'm a pretty cynical person but I have enough experience with the "just friends" game to have drawn legitimate conclusions from objective facts and I can't deny what I've learned.

To conclude. Sex with the new guy (eventually) is way better for women because it's new, he is showering her with attention and she has already figured out at least 5-10 reasons why it wasn't going to work out anyway with her previous relationship. By the time she extracts and moves on, whether or not that guy was just a friend will be a dead issue, and she will leave you with a mixed batch of emotions ranging from confusion, anger and guilt. It won't be your fault. Women (attractive ones) are just designed that way. It's in their wiring.
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Old 06-03-2011, 12:24 AM
 
1,426 posts, read 1,092,829 times
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If her relationship with a female had all the characteristics of an "emotional affair" then yes, I'd have a problem with it too..
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Old 06-03-2011, 12:28 AM
 
1,426 posts, read 1,092,829 times
Reputation: 1804
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skydive Outlaw View Post
"Just friends. . . . " If I had $50 for everytime a woman told me a guy that she knew was "just a friend", I would be typing this write now on my yacht off the coast of Cabo San Lucas.

I had one relationship where I was just a friend with a woman that was married. As soon as she started having problems in her marriage, guess what - not just friends anymore and that was long before she was even legally separated from her husband. About a year into our relationship, I started getting concerned about a guy she knew from college that she claimed was just a friend. Yep, she had him lined up either during or right after our relationship imploded. It wasn't long before a guy she knew that was. . . .yeah, you guessed it "just a friend" appeared on the scene when she was with the guy she left me for and they are now together. Male attention for women is like a line of cocaine to an addict. They just can't say no.

There is a great book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass that offers alot of insight into that situation.

With the wisdom that has come from experiences like that, all I have learned is that it is always better to be the guy that is "just a friend" and not the husband or boyfriend she is with (which at some point becomes boring to a woman) that takes care of her and pays her bills while she roams through the word fishing for new attention and guys that are "just friends". Even if that guy vanished from the Earth without a trace tomorrow, there will always be another one, more pathetic and desperate than him, waiting for the right moment to move in and try to take what you wish was yours. It's the nature of our species and it's a cruel game.

And yeah, I'm a pretty cynical person but I have enough experience with the "just friends" game to have drawn legitimate conclusions from objective facts and I can't deny what I've learned.

To conclude. Sex with the new guy (eventually) is way better for women because it's new, he is showering her with attention and she has already figured out at least 5-10 reasons why it wasn't going to work out anyway with her previous relationship. By the time she extracts and moves on, whether or not that guy was just a friend will be a dead issue, and she will leave you with a mixed batch of emotions ranging from confusion, anger and guilt. It won't be your fault. Women (attractive ones) are just designed that way. It's in their wiring.
Lol Im positive my wife is not like that!
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Old 06-03-2011, 12:31 AM
 
Location: California
25,616 posts, read 17,133,267 times
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I think you guys are doomed without help. No kidding. Emotional affairs are marriage killers.
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Old 06-03-2011, 12:33 AM
 
Location: Phoenix,AZ
762 posts, read 518,861 times
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I don't think asking for advice on marital issues in an active marriage has any place on this board. There are 2 sides to every story and they need to be dealt with each other with or without the help of a counselor. The emotional strife is bad enough but the advice of un-informed outsiders is distracting, confusing and may make your problems worse. If you need advice find someone that is closer to your relationship..someone you respect and know in person, and have a one-on-one conversation.
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Old 06-03-2011, 12:49 AM
 
Location: Hollywood, CA
846 posts, read 729,009 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheEarthBeneathMe View Post
So my question - what do I do with regards to them? My issue was that she was spending too much time talking to him each night, and sharing jokes and stories etc with him instead of me. I don't want to completely ban them from talking as they've developed a 3 year long friendship, but...is that wise?
I think you waited too long to finally put an end to this.

She apparently is lonely and looking for something exciting or more romantic in her life that is lacking from you.

Instead of going along with it you should of saw this as a warning and did something about it long ago.

I would ask her what the deal is. It would be awkward at first and then I'd say I never wanted to seem jealous or anything but I always thought it was wierd that you confided with someone else besides me.

Then I'd say I don't want to tell her what to do but I wanted her to know that I love her and I never want to lose her.

I don't know if this would be exact but the main goal would be to use a little manipulation for her to stop talking to him.

Hope it helps....
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