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We have been engaged for a year and a half and have raised all 8 children for a year now. I'm not sure how long we can put off the wedding. I know its just money but with a family of ten, its a lot to give up. Creme really nailed me but I think my expectations are so high because its the lifestyle I am used to. Between my fiancee and I, I am the the breadwinner with the degrees and the professional career...an accountant (go figure...its no wonder...I'm a perfectionist) and until my divorce, the military lifestyle (with all the rules and expectations and proper etiquette) has been my way of life...my cultural difference to my fiance. I think that's a part of the reason I am the way I am. My fiance is super laid back yet he is a proper gentleman. I never saw a single flaw that I couldn't overlook before he moved to be with me. Well now I must admit I see a bunch a Creme said but I really need to let go and relax and let him be him. I also thought we can also picking out a few therapists to interview or try out...I like that idea..thank you! And Miu, the reason I'm not going to wait to get married until the kids get older or until I have a child is for spiritual reasons. I know the secular view on marriage is acceptable to the world but it isn't acceptable to the Lord and as a Christian, although FAR from perfect, I choose to follow Him, not what's socially acceptable. I mean absolutely no harm in saying that..I'm just answering your post why I am choosing to marry while the kids are young. I DO agree with the one night a week date! I just want to let everyone know I'm like a sponge today, soaking up as much advice as possible will share all this with my fiance this evening. I feel more positive, thanks to all of your posts.
To me the biggest warning sign, to the extent I could get through the original post, is that he is trying to dictate to her who she is allowed to be friends with. It may not look like it now, but this kind of controlling behavior can be a warning sign of emotional and even physical abuse. I know the OP won't want to hear this, but this seems like trouble.
To me the biggest warning sign, to the extent I could get through the original post, is that he is trying to dictate to her who she is allowed to be friends with. It may not look like it now, but this kind of controlling behavior can be a warning sign of emotional and even physical abuse. I know the OP won't want to hear this, but this seems like trouble.
Well, just too bad that the lack of paragraphs foiled your attempts to read the post in full but just a quick glance enabled you to make such a grave pronouncement ...
Well, there are a lot of problems here, unfortunately. Personally, I would not get married until you can get them resolved. This doesn't mean you need to break up, but it does mean you may need to postpone the wedding for a year and get stuff figured out. If you lose deposits? That's how it goes. Frankly, two people with 8 children (!!!!) between them do not need to be having a $20,000 wedding to begin with. That money would be much better spent on weekly couples counseling sessions and individual sessions for you and your daughter to get your head figured out on this, then a $75 trip down to the courthouse to be married by a JP. I'm sorry if that's hurtful, but as a mother of 4, soon to be 8, your priorities need to be on helping the family get in a good place about this, not a fairy princess wedding. I think those are kind of goofy when you're older anyway.
With regards to the other stuff, I'm not impressed with the way he treats you. It sounds like his relationship with the "best man" woman is too close, inappropriate at times. He seems to have poor communication skills and no method to deal with conflict other than shutting down--not good. I also hear some problems with your side in this. If you knew he hated this one particular guy, then you should have never started a thing on Facebook with the furniture. I know, you did nothing "wrong" any more than he did anything "wrong" in having a female best friend. But if both of you keep butting your heads like stubborn goats, this will not work. You wanted to know how to make it work. Avoiding silly things like this that aren't really important would be one step.
As a final thought, when he said, "You're always the victim," was there any truth to that? I think some of us have a tendency to always look for our own side in a situation. That can be very draining on the "victim's" partner. It may feel validating to always be in the right and the victim, but the flip side is that the "victim's" partner always feels in the wrong and like the jerk. Who would stay with someone who made them feel that way all the time? "Victim" mentality people often find that they push others away. No one can stand to be around them for long. Just food for thought.
You've been together one year. It took my husband about 2-3 years to bond with my son. Be patient and give it time. It's probably awkward to bond with a (teenage? pre-teen?) girl as a grown man. In today's society, if he tries to hug her, people are bound to call 911.
Also, you admit that your kids are spoiled, but you get upset when he disciplines them. It sounds like what bothers you is the fact that HE is disciplining them, and they are yours, not his. I would make sure that you and he are on the same page as far as what is acceptable behavior (for ALL of the kids) and what isn't and both of you enforce those rules as a team. You can't have him being the bad guy.
I'm not going to get into the thing with his friend. With eight kids to manage, they should be your first priority anyway.
personally i think the best thing would be to delay the wedding for a few months. then spend that time getting BOTH your heads on straight, honestly it does not sound like either of you are emotionally ready for marriage or the problems associated with trying to blend families.
I think you're a control freak and you're trying to force your fiance to have this relationship with your eldest child that he's just not comfortable having. Just because he loves you, this doesn't mean he's supposed to develop strong ties to your kids (beyond wanting to help provide for them and give them a home).
Just because he loves you, it doesn't mean he does NOT love your kids if he doesn't wanna be bestest friends with your kids (or his, for that matter).
Everyone has different ways of forming relationships and of parenting.
I'd say that you need to try to meet him halfway.
I'm sure it's hard, as I do think the controlling thing is a big part of your personality.
But... I think it's necessary to bring peace to your family.
All this drama, angst, tears, and heartbreak and you are planning to marry this guy? I pity both of you; you for your desperate ongoing demands for attention, and him for his thinking that he actually could "save" you, and help you to become a functioning, normal person with not only self-respect but respect for others, when you keep insisting on making choices where you 'need' to be saved.
Ouch. What a heavy burden to have to bear - being your "savior". How about some rational thought and reason? How about less desperation and dependence? How about learning to save yourself - or not putting yourself into situations where you need endless saving in the first place? You'll be lucky if this guy doesn't flee from you, seeking a less dependent, less tearful, less demanding relationship, where he can be respected for who and what he is.
"110%" from him - life and certainly marriage do NOT work like that. (Usually it's more like 70-30, with each one trading off on who gives/gets more.) You are entering an even more unhealthy phase if you are preparing to marry this guy - the whole situation with the "Foul-mouthed" guy you first TOLD your husband to deal with ("SAVE" you - AGAIN!), then are still talking to him, is an indication of your immaturity and refusal to make practical and reasonable choices, purely to satisfy your desperate need for attention. What an insult to your fiancee... not to mention that you keep insisting on putting yourself into situations where you require "saving". That isn't love. That is dependency. You so obviously do not respect him as an individual with thoughts, feelings, and attitudes of his own - which probably comes out of the fact that you show no healthy respect for, responsibility for, or faith in, yourself, your choices, or your decisions. You do as you please and expect others to pick up the pieces, over and over again.
Why are you demanding/forcing him to take responsibility for you, your life, and your choices? Why do you put yourself into situations where he must save you? These are the things you should be asking yourself.
You need serious counseling and you need it quickly; if nothing else to learn how to stop thinking/demanding that it is everyone's ELSE's responsibility to save you, to prove their love for you. No one will ever love you 'enough', as long as you continue down this path - no one could.
Creme,
I am in shock and awe! You have me completely pinned..well other than the fact that I wasn't brought up in hostile home but I believe I do know why I have chose my ex husband. He was a nieve 16 year old and I was almost 18 when we met. I controlled me, our relationship, our finances, decisions...and as time went by, the roles started flipping and I realize now that I couldn't handle that, which ultimately led my decision to file for divorce. I have also seen so many similarities with the problems I have in my relationship now. Not to compare but to admit that I realize a lot of the reasons for the problems in my first marriage were because of ME! I have seen that for some time now and have been so scared to admit it because I dont want to scare him away..that I was a BIG part of the problems.
And I think I totally get the mother in law aspect! I identified with it as I still want my life to be as I WANT it, they way it always was and now heres this new "husband to be" and I am not letting go to let him have that role, which he has actually mentioned.
You have him nailed as well, although I wonder why, even with his own children, he is actually another one of those that only seems to see the negative in our children and gets on them everyday for every little thing because, he has said children should act a certain way and if it's not, he has a big problem with that. He wants them to be the way HE wants them to be, As a parent I can understand that children should possess good behaviors and I think thats where he may be coming from. I take him to be too harsh with his tone when disciplining them but I also know HIS children, for the most part, listen to him and mine, because they had everything they wanted and I basically spoiled them and did almost everything for them (because I wanted their room a certain way or things done as I want them done.) Holy Crap!
You know how shocking this was to read? I was literally starting to break down at the same time I was reading how you thought by now I am probably getting upset. I admit it was hard to take in at first but I knew you had me pinned to the tee. I honestly dont like all these petty arguments and I know you think the problem with the best friend is small but its a big problem although he chooses not to talk about it. I dont mind cutting ties with anyone except my family and , you guessed it, MY best friend. So, number one, in your opinion, is it healthy for a spouse to have a best friend of the opposite sex? I go back and forth because I know she is NOT a threat as in "taking him away to be with him" and she is overall a nice person, but I dont understand why she made something out of nothing which set him thru the roof. Other than that, I honestly wish it could be a healthy thing to have her and him mend their friendship. I have to leave for work,but My GOODNESS, THANK YOU!!!!! Oh and yes, I KNOW he is not a savior! I get that. Thank you so much.
OK, I'm going to take a chance and add more here, bottom line is your extremely independent, and I'm guessing if you came from a good home, your parents, pretty much left you have your way? So your used to this behavior...I'm so glad you understand rather then taking my post as a personal attack....I care and am trying to help. This is why I choose to live alone, b/c I'm used to doing things my way and am to, extremely independent in nature. However, if I choose to be in a relationship, I would have to understand, there would be so many changes, that I'd have to make. I'd have to be more in tune to someone else's feelings and find out what his idea of a relationship should be. See, your asking him to give up his identity and be the person you've made up in your mind as a husband and his job. It's not your job to carry the entire load...he wants so much to be a partner and not a by stander....and partners, even at work, as a team, you can't always have your way, even if you truly believe a team member has the wrong idea, sometimes you just have to allow them they're turn....
Like if your kids make the bed, (and by the way, you should not be cleaning they're rooms) by doing what your doing, your making them be very controlling some day. Even if they don't make the bed the way you want them to, you have to leave it, it's not important...honestly....things can't be perfect. Perfection is not your goal in life, and it's not going to make you a better person....allowing others is a life long lesson, especially for when your kids leave home. If you continue to not allow them to have chores....they won't have a clue when they do go out on they're own. Every kid in your home including your husband, should have a chore to do...the family functions better that way, and everyone feels that feeling of productivity and takes pride in they're work, even if it is not the way you feel it should be. You are not them, they all have different personalities, please allow them that and to participate. And if your future hubby talks to you...and says, I don't want you to do that, or I don't like it when you act that way, instead of trying to prove why your right, and your not always right, accept his words as someone who knows you very well and is trying to help lighten the stress level for you. He's not trying to run you down, what he is saying is, "your hurting me or them when you do that". However, he's gotten to the point that he cannot have a discussion with you and be honest with you, b/c right away, you take insult and act out. Instead, listen to him, really listen, and gain by his feedback, so you will know what your doing which doesn't please him.
If you continue as you are, he's going to go further into a hole b/c he's afraid of being himself. That is all he's asking you for...allowance to think and feel as he always has. It's not rocket science.
My foster mother was a huge control freak and did the same thing to us...she wasn't able to allow us to help around the house, we didn't even know how to cook...everything HAD TO BE PERFECT. She would even dictate to us, that "well, Mother's day is coming around, please don't get anything for me"....she used to love to play the maryter, but in doing so, it hurt our feelings. When we went off into the world, responsibility was the hardest thing to learn, and to this day, my brother is in his mid-60's and he's still irresponsible. She made a monster out of him by doing everything for him, us.
Kids need structured chores, let them learn to do the laundry, how to shop, clean they're own rooms, mow the lawn, dig the garden, weed the garden, plant flowers, cook, clean. No, it's never going to be done the way you want it to be done, but you'll have plenty of time for that once they leave home. Right now, you've got to teach them how to do things for themselves, and how to accept that they can't always have they're ways. Kids also have to learn about disappointments in life, and that they can't always get what they want...otherwise, when they grow up they are not able to take they're place within society productively.
We parrot our parents and are products of they're thoughts and feelings, however, we must open our minds up to understand and be aware of the fact, that not everyone thinks and feels like we do about any subject...but that doesn't make us wrong....it's simply what they believe...
I'm glad your able to admit that my first post was right on, b/c that means, you are aware and you will be able to change, why, b/c you want to and your an honest person. Tell you what, do some self examination, that is the greatest way to achieve answers...the answers do not lie with your fiance, they lie within yourself.
When a relationship breaks up, take the wife, she blames him for running around, for hitting her, for putting her down, and yes, she didn't deserve it, but why did she choose that person for a life mate? Because she didn't think she deserved any better...we all sometimes marry for the wrong reasons...and before we're mature enough to be in a productive relationship. As far as his friend is concerned, what you think bout it, should be your privet thoughts...only...and I might not be getting the situation, however, if it's his friend, he gets to choose not you, and if it's your friend you get to choose, however, if you would say to him...I'm uncomfortable with this relationship your having with her and I know it's platonic, but it hurt me...then he should be able to honor your feelings and break it off and visa versa. Your a couple and nothing else matters....however, if this is a male friend of yours and he's saying the same thing to you, then there is a reason for his feelings....it's your job to allow him his feelings and find out what they are...men can't share every little detail like women can, allow him that. Men don't want to and won't get involved in a conversation, unless the outcome is going to be peaceful. That's all they want is peace. Men don't want to walk thru the door after work and have they're wives rag all over them...and sometimes, wives and husbands should have get away weekends with the guys and wives with the girls. The men stay home with the kids while the girls get together and go to the shore for the weekend, and the women do the same for they're husband's for a fishing trip or golf weekend...you don't have to be joined at the hip, and do everything together. I hear so many women say, "my husband doesn't want to go anywhere", and some husbands don't but the majority of men, if given the chance, would love to get away, it's healthy and productive, as long as his friends are loyal husbands who don't go out drinking looking for some action and the same for women.
Relationships need space, and love is allowance, and loving that person for who they are, the good along with the bad. You can't change people to suit your whimes...people need to be who they are to feel comfortable and productive...not to mention, in every relationship there needs to be encouragement.
I believe your husband's negitivity is also learned behavior. Boy you should have heard me with the boys....my home was the home that every kid came to, so yes, I was military strict, and told them, my home is your home, my refrigerator is yours, but your cross me once, your gone. Yes, I was tough and maybe to tough, however, my son tells me now, he is so glad I was? Who knows, we all make mistakes, we can't all be perfect, and it's easy to look back now and say, Boy did I screw up there. But that's life and people, we are living in a learning experience, until the day we die.
What I'm saying is, calm down and listen....stop talking and listen to your partners words....allow him to say, he feels your wrong and find out why he feels that way. Then, walk away calmly and think about it, hard, objectively...you might find that while you were not wrong for feeling that way, there are other ways to react and correct the situation. Stop crying b/c you can't get your way or your going to loose that man, and this man may be the best thing that happened to you...but allow him...this is going to be tough for you to do, and it doesn't happen over night, it will take years for you to allow everyone they're own personalities and cultures in your family. Each one of them are different, and they need to cultivate that identity of they'res in order to grow and be a productive part of society and in relationships.
You know the great feeling you get when you accomplish something, well they need to feel that to, so for goodness sakes, let them clean they're own rooms and learn to cover your eyes, and let it be they're job...your soul purpose in life is not to be they're maid...or to pay all the bills, allow your entire family to get involved...otherwise, your cheating them of that feeling of learning, responsiblity, accomplishment. You creating monsters for whomever they marry, by doing this.
What I did was make a list daily, and everyone had chores to accomplish. My son, knew how to do his own wash, shop for groceries, cook, clean, and yet, do carpentry....he joined the air force and went off into the world, b/c I kept encouraging him to not get married. I explained to him that life is to short, and it's important you get out into the world, travel, meet people and become acquainted with the different cultures out there...we all own our own cultures....he did so, and now, when we refer to some of his old friends, whom he loves, he says, "that small town concept", meaning, they were taught it was they're job to graduate from school, get married, get a job and have kids. NOOOOOAAAAH, that's so wrong....so wrong and cheating a human being of they're right to life.
Anyway, again, thank you for understanding, and this kind of discussion is good. Everything I say isn't written in stone, I'm simply throwing ideas out there for you to try...you have to become comfortable with what works for you....but if you remember one thing, when ever there is a problem, you have to understand, life isn't always easy and we can't have it our way all the time...sometimes we must step back and allow others to have they're day in the sun, even if we know it's wrong....how else will they learn but thru they're mistakes?
I had a hard life, most of us do, some of us are lucky enough not to, others have had it harder then me...however, my life had purpose, b/c if I hadn't know the bad times, I wouldn't be able to cherish the joy and laughter...and even if the bad times were more then the good times, that makes the good times all that more paramount. Rejoice in life, by allowing others to be who they are....learn to keep your mouth shut if you disagree and allow them they're time...that is love...smile and let them make mistakes and don't be afraid to admit you've made mistakes....that's life, that's our purpose and journey...and be a partner to your husband, not a mother...he needs a partner...and if you don't change that, he is going to become one very unhappy man, afraid to talk to you, afraid to say to you...all I want to do is to participate....and that makes for health problems, much sadness and unproductive souls....you need to know that and change it...let him help....respect his words, listen to them, and for goodness sakes, don't cry when he speaks..listen to him, then smile and hug him and say to him, thank you so much....I'm going to try to do better, and then throw in, so what do you think if we try to do this or that? Ask him his opinion...and when he gives it to you, be mature enough to listen...don't take it as a personal attack. Mixed families are extremely difficult....but don't have to be....yanno, life is easy, we are the ones who make it hard.
remember, learned behavior, can be changed, if you want it bad enough, and there ain't anything you can't accomplish if you want it bad enough....
Thanks so much for discussing this with me, and I wish you the very best...
Hugs
Creme
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No one SAVES us but ourselves.
