How do you get over being wronged? (date, Christian, wife)

[lmabernathy]

This isn't about some boyfriend or ex husband. It's about my Daddy and his ex-wife. His ex-wife has got to be the most evil person I have ever met. I am just tormented by her and everything she has done to my Daddy.

As I am sure you can already tell, my Daddy meant absolutely every thing to me. He passed away from cancer in Dec 2007. He and his ex were divorced for 9 years when he passed away. She left while he was out of the state for work. It was just me and her a home together. I was 17 years old and came home from school to find everything in our house gone. No furniture, no food, nothing but 3 bar stools, the mini blinds, and phone in the floor. I was the one that had to call him and tell him she left and stole everything in our house. He never even got mad. I was mad as hell. I am still mad as hell about that, but I eventually forgot about her until he got sick.

Then one day I came home from work and Daddy said she stopped by. Said she apologized for everything, she was driving a black mercedes, and that she looked really good for her age. I kind of dismissed it then. When my daddy passed away, I planned his funeral. I was basically the only family he had. Our closest relative was my 3rd cousin who lived 1000's of miles away. Well, besides his mother, who was a double amputee in a rest home and suffered from dementia since she was only 30 years old.

I thought I did a really good job on his funeral. I stayed within a budget (Daddy and Pawpaw would have been proud of that lol) I ordered him a bright red casket because red was his favorite color. I still think of all his red trucks he drove over the years and his big red tool boxes (He was a mechanic). I brought his saddle to the funeral home and turned his boots backwards in the stirrups. His ex wife showed up. She wore all white to my Daddy's funeral in Dec. I didn't really care at the time but looking back I wish I would have had her thrown out. I see it as her trying to get all eyes on her at my Daddy's funeral. She preached about the holy land and Daddy was in a better place, blah blah blah. I don't feel anything she did or said was sincere.

Then the real reason I am so upset came to light. Daddy had a life insurance policy. He def. intended that money to go to me. All his friends, his will, etc can vouch for that. However, the life insurance company changed hands several times and some paper work got lost and her name was still on the policy. I was naive. I thought surely she would do the right thing and hand over the money to me-his only child, but boy was I wrong. I tried to fight this time. I took it to court, then I appealed, but the outcome was still she got to keep the money. There is nothing left for me to do leagally, but I just can't seem to let it go. Its not about the money to me. Its about what my Daddy wanted. I know he wanted to take care of me. All I can seem to think about anymore is how I won't have him to give me away if I ever get married, if I ever have children he won't be there to see them.

I know I am greiving still, I don't know if I will ever stop. I have tried counseling, meds. etc. but I just can't seem to let this go. I wonder am I going crazy like my grandmother? I can't think about my Daddy anymore without thinking about his evil ex wife. She has effectively ruined all my wonderful memories of him. What is left for me to try? How do I go on with my life?

This hate for her just consumes me. I try staying busy, exercising, etc. but I am just obsessed with her now. I want to know every little thing she does. It doesn't help that I know she left my Daddy because she was jealous his and my relationship with each other (she left a letter that pointed that out in great detail). Then there is the fact that I am naturally very curvy and have been since I was 12 years old. She has now bought the most ridiculously large breast implants. Is she trying drive me crazy or is this something I am making up in my own head. Who gets Breast implants when they are pushing 60 years old!?! Will hypnosis work? I just want to forget this woman ever existed!

Seriously, what is left for me to try?

[noexcuseforignorance]

Sounds like you need some therapy. It's a good example of why you need to choose who you date wisely.

[Ulysses61]

I agree.

You are the captain of your own life, you choose to hold on to past hurts. Why is something you will have to discover. Let it go... it's the only way to happiness. Injustice collectors are usually abjectly miserably.

Look at it a different way: How does someone get over being told they have liver cancer? How does someone get over being hit by a drunk driver and ending up in a wheelchair?

Compared to those scenarios, your issues are inconsequential.

[lmabernathy]

Funny you picked Liver cancer...thats what my Daddy died from.

I know I sound miserable right now, but I am a very strong, very optamistic person.

Even after I have written this pity party story, I am laughing hoping I can just out live her. I think I might wear my prom dress to her funeral and if anyone says a word to me, I might just trip in my high heels at her casket. I hope her body rolls out and her breast implants deflate infront of everyone.

Yep, I think its official now, I have gone insane!

Seriously though, I think I really just want to tell this story to anyone that will listen. I wish I could just email it to everyone she knows. She talks a good game. You would think she was the most innocent christian lady even if she does look like Dolly Parton (literally) she has even bleached her hair yellow. Because I never was able to get my case heard in front of a jury I was never able to get all of this off my chest. I really just want everyone to know what rotten person she is, whether it changes anything or not!

My Daddy even kept that God awful letter she wrote when she left. I still have it, 12 years later. Is there any legal ramifications if I just mailed that letter out? She wrote it, its completely in her hand writing and she signed it. All I would be doing is distributing it. Could I get in trouble for that?

[Coolhand68]

Forget about this woman. Take comfort in knowing that your father loved you and you both had a great relationship. Though it stings like hell that she got this money that was supposed to be yours, this woman will not sail off into the sunset. She'll be forever chasing the fountain of youth, and becoming more and more consumed with her looks as Father Time steals another year from her former glory. By the time she takes her last breath, she'll likely die alone and unhappy. It's a very likely scenario from what you've decribed of her and if perhaps knowing that can bring you some degree of closure.

Honestly, it's going to take time before you are able to get past this and not let it affect you so deeply. Think of it this way...your daddy left you his wisdom and loved you with all his heart...two things that you have and she never will. Two things that are way more valuable than the insurance policy. That's something you get to keep forever and no one can take either of those two most valuable gifts away from you. They can't be replaced with a new car, implants, or any other material possession. So if it makes you feel any better...you won.

[blondiel]

Your dad passed in 2007 and you are obviously still very angry and hurt. Seek therapy to help figure out how to get over your pain. The truth of the matter for all marriages is that no one knows the relationship like the two people involved. You say you know what your dad wanted for you, but do you really know? Insurance issues with ex spouses and children happen everyday.

You are only hurting yourself to hold the anger and hurt.
Get some help so that you can have peace within.

[round4]

Let it go. She has a special place waiting for her, my opinion of course. The best revenge is to live well. Good luck, make your daddy proud!!

[h886]

My guess is that you haven't fully dug down to the bottom of these issues, even in counseling. My guess is that part of you is actually very angry at your father, but that since he's gone and you miss him, you are not allowing yourself to feel that anger towards him. Instead, you are focusing it on your stepmother, who is an easier target to stomach.

Granted, she sounds like no peach. She was absolutely wrong to abandon you as a child, even if she felt your father had abandoned both of you 3 months before. I can't tell you what is right or wrong about the money. If it was in his will that it was to go to her, then that's what was in his will. I know you have an idea of what his friends would have wanted, but what he put in his will is what is legal. I wouldn't blame you for feeling some anger at him for that, for not making sure he took care of his legal business to make you his heir, or if he didn't want that, that he chose her. I am sorry she made a spectacle at the funeral. I'm sure that must have hurt you.

I think at some point you have to make a choice to move forward, or you will ever suffer the punishment of living in the past. Past events can never be corrected. If you want, you can be in this same, angry place 10 years from now, just 10 years older. Or, you can choose to let this woman go. Release her from your life. Do not go to areas she frequents, do not search for information about her, and go on to live the best life you can make for yourself. Sometimes living well is the best revenge.

[optiflex]

Well my mom had a weakness for bad men, and it sounds like your dad had a weakness for bad women.

Get on your horse and ride!

Stop letting a bad person rent space in your head.

I personally cannot stand any of my mothers ex husbands. But I have to remember she chose all three of them. She wasn't a helpless victim after number 1, my father. She was a woman who refused to learn from her mistakes.

I simply don't have anything to do with them. This idea that you have to deal with people because of blood or marriage is just plain stupid.

[lmabernathy]

Yeah I def. Know for sure. His financial advisor witnessed 1 week before he died that the policy was to go to me. He and her never spoke for the 9 years they were divorced until that day she came by and apologized (for her own conscience, I suppose). His will stated the life ins policy was to go to me. Over 30 of his friends knew that I was to get everything.

You have to remember, I lived with this man since I was 16. We fixed cars together, we fixed fence together. He took me to get my make up and hair done for the prom. When my friends and I went clubbing at 19 and 20 years old my Daddy went with us. I ate dinner with this man every night for years, we did not have the typical father daughter relationship. We were each other's World. I guess that's why it hurts so much.

In the mean time I am taking care of a 3rd generation family farm, my Daddy and I were supposed to run together. I still lived with my Daddy when he passed away. She never even offered any money for his funeral. Hell, she has only spoken to me twice since the day she left, 12 years ago. Once was at the funeral and the other time was when I told her about the mistake on the life insurance. I mean this woman has a son, how on earth can you treat someone's child like that?

Further more, I went to therapy. Therapy tells me to accept things, the Bible tells me to accept things. My mind, my very being of my soul will not let me accept that she is dancing on my Daddy's grave. I am a do-er. I don't sit around and talk about things, I fix them. This is something I can't fix. The legal system has tied my hands. You wanna know how people snap? Push them against the wall for long enough, threaten their family, and see what happens.

Imagine your son died, and his ex wife did this to you? How would you react?

I took care of my Daddy when he was dying. I cooked, cleaned, made him milkshakes when he couldn't eat solid food, picked him up when he couldn't stand any more, helped him to the bathroom, cleaned up after him when the chemo made him sick. I watched the strongest man I ever knew shrivle up and die in front of me. I woke up at 3 in the morning the day he died and the only reason I knew he was gone was his lips had turned flesh colored. They weren't blue and his body never even got cold before the paramedics took him out of our home. I called 911 and told them "I think my Daddy is dead." I did this with none of his family to turn to, no aunt, uncles, or cousins. I did it making less than $21,000 a year as a teachers assistant. I took care of a house and a seperate farm. I planned a funeral that cost $10,000 and that was cheap to actually get buried. I was going to cremate my Daddy and keep him in a in an old red tool box at the farm with me. I asked him what he wanted before he died and he wanted to be buried near his Daddy. So by God, that's what I did!

When he was sick I used to sit in my closet (so no one could hear me) and scream to God to give me the cancer instead, I pleaded with God that I was stronger that I could handle it better. How would you feel if your child did that? How many children would even make that plead? That is how much my Daddy meant to me. I wish I really could explain my love for him, the only thing that would come close is the love a parent feels for a child. You see, not only did he take care of me, I took care of him. If I wrote pages and pages I couldn't convey how close we were.

I went to therapy.

I got medicine.

I took time.

I know it would still be hard if there was no policy, but I am just fixated on this ordeal. I don't want to kill her. I want her to suffer like he suffered. I want her son to suffer like I suffered. I want her son to think of me and how much he hates me every time he thinks of his mother. I am sitting here watching myself go crazy and there is nothing I can do about it. Seriously, is that not the most demented thing you have ever heard?

The weird thing is other than this, my life is wonderful. I have wanted to live on this Farm since I was a little girl and I live here. I have a boyfriend who is the man of my dreams and loves me, brings me flowers for no reason. I just keep thinking of Grandmother, did something like this happen to her?

What's left to do? I need to be able to do something about this? If you met me, you would think I was the most bubbily, chipper person ever. It's only when I think of my Daddy I get like this. How sad is that. I never get mad or upset at anyone. I never lose my temper, I don't yell. If she were to walk in my door, I wouldn't hurt her physically. Is that not strange? Is that a normal reaction to this? How would you react to these circustances? All I really want is to tell everyone what has happened, and I just don't know how to go about doing that.