Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 06-19-2011, 09:24 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,291,573 times
Reputation: 3564

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
Unfortunately saying they "don't know the ropes" is your excusing them for their lack of compassion towards you......you are a rarity...a gem....people that listen and hear...they are the ones that keep our world sane ........
Thanks for the kind words. I'm no saint. I can be a big talker myself at times! But I don't want everything to just be "about me only!" I try to pull others into the conversation too...I like it when the "ball" bounces back and forth. If someone tries to hold on to the "ball" or hog the "ball" for long periods of time things can get out of balance and "whack!" Don't you think? Thanks for responding. I don't want to hate people who don't send the "ball" back. They aren't mean or bad people. They just lack awareness about what it takes to create a healthy and growing "win-win" type of relationship with the people in their life. This is how I view it anyway. But it can be frustrating at times!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-19-2011, 09:42 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,291,573 times
Reputation: 3564
Quote:
Originally Posted by sydney1987 View Post
doesn't matter. do whatever you want to do that feels true to yourself. what's the point of this thread?
Thanks for posting. What's the point of this thread? I guess I like to "put things out there" to gain more insights and feedback from others...I like to learn! And see new "sides" to everything. Nothing is ever totally "black or white" to me. I feel that there is always more to learn about everything...It took courage to start this thread because I tend to be a private person. But I want to be more open now. I want to take off my "blinders" and learn more about myself. Sometimes we can't always "see the forest for the trees" when it comes to ourselves. This is how I feel anyway. How do you feel about it? Thanks!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2011, 09:59 AM
 
13,513 posts, read 19,205,450 times
Reputation: 16577
Quote:
Originally Posted by sydney1987 View Post
doesn't matter. do whatever you want to do that feels true to yourself. what's the point of this thread?
To see if sydney1987 would respond!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2011, 11:04 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,291,573 times
Reputation: 3564
Maybe people can be "too nice" and "too nurturing" to the point of being "selfless!" But nobody can stay this way forever! We're suppose to have individual "selves" of our own too! And wants and needs and preferences of our own too!...If I show interest in someone and zero in on them and listen to them it's because I want to get to know them! I want to feel closer to them...But "closeness" is a "two-way street." Not a "one-way street." Don't you think?....Relationships that are "one-sided" are "lopsided!" It takes "two to tango" unless a person enjoys dancing around on the floor by themselves hoping for an "adoring audience!" Anyway it's not healthy to be "selfless." And it's not healthy to be nothing more than an "ear" and "cheerleader" for someone else...I guess this all forms the basis for codependency. Don't you think? Thanks...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2011, 11:16 AM
 
Location: Woodinville
3,184 posts, read 4,827,465 times
Reputation: 6283
Even the best conversationalists can get tripped up when they continually have the microphone handed to them. Conversations aren't necessarily like a bouncing ball (I think I saw that analogy on this thread), they need to flow back and forth. Nothing should be abrupt and the "floor" shouldn't be thrust upon one party or the other. It should gently flow back and forth, allowing both parties ample opportunity to listen, share insight, and reference new topics as the interaction evolves.

I find that most people fall into one of two categories: the 20-questions category and the zero questions category. If you feel like you're interviewing your conversation partner, back off a bit and share your own thoughts. If you feel like you're becoming the center of attention, redirect the conversation so that it's enjoyable for both of you to participate. Listening is a big part of talking, and talking is a big part of listening. Most people only know how to talk, so someone who listens is a real gem (that's you CArizona!). Someone who listens and talks is someone that's always a pleasure to be around.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2011, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,291,573 times
Reputation: 3564
Garfunkle524....Great post! Thanks! I've been around people who "throw questions at me!" Boom! A lot of questions pop out at once and it does feel weird!...I try to answer the questions the best I can but sometimes I get the feeling that "asking the questions" is far more important than my "responses." (If this makes sense!)....It does feel weird to just be "put on the spot" and asked a series of questions! It's nice to know why the questions are being asked! Don't you think?....Thanks for the insights in your post and I'm going to respond to more in just a bit.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2011, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,291,573 times
Reputation: 3564
It can get a little boring if someone just listens and listens and hardly ever says very much...What's going on with them? Do they feel bored by the conversation? Intimidated because they don't know much about the topic? Are they afraid to talk because they disagree with the speaker's views? Are they just basically shy and insecure?....It's hard and impossible to really get to know someone who doesn't talk very much. Don't you think?....In a way a "non-talker" can hold all the "power" and "cards" in a relationship. Without some feedback the person who has been talking can start to feel stupid and boring...As if he or she has nothing of "value" to say! It can really "do a number" on a person's self-esteem if they have put most of their "eggs" in just a few "baskets." And don't have many other people in their life who do enjoy what they have to say! Sometimes we have to step outside into the "larger world" to find people who can really appreciate us. Don't you think? Thanks!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2011, 12:52 PM
 
2,725 posts, read 5,175,527 times
Reputation: 1963
Quote:
Originally Posted by Garfunkle524 View Post
Even the best conversationalists can get tripped up when they continually have the microphone handed to them. Conversations aren't necessarily like a bouncing ball (I think I saw that analogy on this thread), they need to flow back and forth. Nothing should be abrupt and the "floor" shouldn't be thrust upon one party or the other. It should gently flow back and forth, allowing both parties ample opportunity to listen, share insight, and reference new topics as the interaction evolves.

I find that most people fall into one of two categories: the 20-questions category and the zero questions category. If you feel like you're interviewing your conversation partner, back off a bit and share your own thoughts. If you feel like you're becoming the center of attention, redirect the conversation so that it's enjoyable for both of you to participate. Listening is a big part of talking, and talking is a big part of listening. Most people only know how to talk, so someone who listens is a real gem (that's you CArizona!). Someone who listens and talks is someone that's always a pleasure to be around.
This is an excellent post!

CArizona, what I have found is that some people are always ready and willing to be in talking and listening mood when they are around other people. It could be that it is part of their personality and/or they were taught to behave a certain way around people.

For example, today I met up with a group of mothers I recently joined. I made myself mentally prepared to interact with other people. Since it was my choice to meet up with the group, I made it my responsibility to maintain a high expectation of my behavior, to talk and to listen well.

I ran into a group member in the parking lot, said hello and did not receive anything in return. I assumed she didn't recognize me so I continued on. We met again at the picnic tables where the group always meets, I said hello again and she returned a weak hello. I greeted her son and asked my daughter to greet him. She then told me that she didn't want him getting worked up. I responded that I understood, smiled the whole time and left to the playground. We did not return until other people showed up.

There are several explanations I can come up with in regards to her behavior. The most personal one is that she didn't like me or something I did, e.g. perhaps I was being too friendly to a stranger. I chose not to go that route because it changes how I behave and it makes me less aware of social cues.

I could also assume that she was not in a good mood, didn't really want to be there, is slow to warm up to people or simply didn't recognize me from the last time we met. In any case, she clearly had a different idea of how to behave when out in public. If she was acting uneasy towards me, that meant it was time for me to stop what I was doing and move on.

I returned when others showed up, interacted with them and the cold woman was no longer giving me the cold shoulder.

With my own daughter, if she is not mentally ready to speak with her grandmother on Skype, I don't make that phone call. I don't care how much MIL complains that she doesn't get to talk to her granddaughter everyday. I want my daughter to be on her "best" behavior when she does talk to her and that means being aware of what both people (daughter and MIL) are saying and doing. Sometimes, we are not in a mood to take on that task and IMO believe that we shouldn't. Some people make it a point to be alone when they are not in a mood to talk and listen, others go out and meet people anyway.

I hope I didn't go off topic by using personal examples. It is possible that you were taught to maintain a certain kind of behavior around people.

Last edited by crisan; 06-20-2011 at 01:01 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2011, 01:34 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,291,573 times
Reputation: 3564
crisan...Thanks for your great post. I enjoyed your real life examples and thoughts about everything...It is weird to be around people who aren't super friendly. I don't automatically assume that their mood has something to do with me unless I've had some differences with them in the past. A lot of people walk around with "bottled-up" or unresolved feelings and problems and it affects the way they react with others. (As you mentioned too.)....Good that you don't force your daughter to talk to her Grandma until it's the right time for her...My husband passed away last year and I'm on my own again. This is probably a good time to examine "my ways." Who am I and who do I want to be? I'm open to learning more about myself and others and social interaction in general! Thanks for your great post!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top