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He could be justifying being the hot cheater, though.
Thanks for letting us know the answer to your question, Bajan.
True, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. And since this area seems to attract a lot of guys who are frustrated with women when it comes to dating.....it's a percentages thing, you know?
I've been on both sides of the transaction. I have been with girls I was lukewarm about and I've been hit up by girls who were lukewarm about me. But the thread is not about me...I just asked which situation was worse.
And then tried to make the case that Situation 2 is the correct answer.
It's like the riddle says...
Which hurts more: a broken leg or a toothache?
Answer: The one you have.
So, BajanYankee, what made you ask your question now? Who was she, and how much did she take you for?
Taking a girl on a date =/= me having to spend a lot of money on her.
Totally agree. Our first dates were bowling (<$30), playing racquetball (free, he belonged to the gym), and making dinner together (cost of ingredients at the grocery store plus a bottle of wine).
Quote:
Originally Posted by BajanYankee
But the girl in Example 1 got to live out a fantasy, even if the fantasy was short-lived and eventually turned into a nightmare. Don't they say that "it's better to have loved and lost?" At the very least, she knows what earth-shaking, mindblowing sex is like. And she did have cherished moments with the "8," even if those moments were ephemeral.
Cherished moments? I think those moments are pretty worthless when you find out he was cheating the whole time. The quote applies to relationships that have run their course, not wild monkey sex and a situation based on lies.
Like I said though, if they had agreed that they weren't exclusive, then there's nothing inherently wrong with what he did.
Quote:
The guy in Example 2 didn't get anything he wanted. Buying dinner may not entitle him to sex, but he's definitely buying dinner with the expectation that his date is seriously considering him as a worthy relationship prospect. But in his case, he did not get a relationship or sex, and he paid for all of the dates. She basically hit him up for free meals while she plotted and planned on getting her ex back.
Wow, that's a lot of assumptions that weren't shared in the first thread. How do you know she wasn't seriously considering him? How do you know she hadn't broken up with her ex with every intention of that being final? (besides the fact that you wrote the question...) Is a girl obligated to stay single for a certain period of time after a couple dates to protect the first guy's self esteem?
If she really was using the second guy just to make her ex jealous, then she's pretty bad. But nowhere in the first post did it say that.
Makes me glad I got married young so I don't have to figure all this out.
And then tried to make the case that Situation 2 is the correct answer.
It's like the riddle says...
Which hurts more: a broken leg or a toothache?
Answer: The one you have.
So, BajanYankee, what made you ask your question now? Who was she, and how much did she take you for?
I'm not making the case for either one. On the flip side, you could argue that the woman in Example 1 has it worse because she had the rug pulled from under her feet. She went for a ride and when the breaks got slammed she went flying head first through the windshield. It's not all peaches and cream.
I asked the question because this is a situation that nearly ALL women and men find themselves in at some point in their lives. If you say you haven't, then it's very likely that you are lying.
Last edited by JustJulia; 06-27-2011 at 11:13 AM..
Cherished moments? I think those moments are pretty worthless when you find out he was cheating the whole time. The quote applies to relationships that have run their course, not wild monkey sex and a situation based on lies.
Yes, I should have been more explicit and said that she's not really interested in the guy (and as the writer of the question, that's what I intended to convey). However, I find it interesting that you assume the worst of the guy in Example 1 but don't do the same for the girl in Example 2. In Example 1, I never said the guy lied to her. For all we know, they may have been kickin' it, and she made the assumption (wrongly) that they were in an exclusive relationship. Three months is normal length for a cut buddy relationship, anyway. When she says "But, but," he's thinking "I thought we were just having a good time."
Women don't owe men sex just because they go out on dates with them. And men don't owe women exclusive relationships just because they're having sex with them. In both cases, the girl and the guy made bad assumptions.
Last edited by BajanYankee; 06-27-2011 at 10:54 AM..
I'm not making the case for either one. On the flip side, you could argue that the woman in Example 1 has it worse because she had the rug pulled from under her feet. She went for a ride and when the breaks got slammed she went flying head first through the windshield. It's not all peaches and cream.
But you didn't. You said, explicitly, that Situation 2 was worse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BajanYankee
I asked the question because this is a situation that nearly ALL women and men find themselves in at some point in their lives. If you say you haven't, then it's very likely that you are lying.
Of course I have, as have most people. But that's beside the point.
Since you say everyone finds him/herself in this situation at some point, let's hear about yours. Who was she?
However, I find it interesting that you assume the worst of the guy in Example 1 but don't do the same for the girl in Example 2. In Example 1, I never said the guy lied to her. For all we know, they may have been kickin' it, and she made the assumption (wrongly) that they were in an exclusive relationship. Three months is normal length for a cut buddy relationship, anyway. When she says "But, but," he's thinking "I thought we were just having a good time."
To be fair, I did portray both sides in my original post. If they had agreed to be exclusive, then he's an *****hat. If they had agreed to see/hook up with other people, then she signed up for what she got. If they just failed to talk about it, then I think they're both idiots. I don't understand how you have a 3 month long sexual relationship without the DTR (defining the relationship) conversation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliTerp07
Situation 1: Assuming they had talked about exclusivity (something I would expect before sleeping together), he cheated on her for months and refused to be honest at any point. If they had agreed somehow that they were allowed to see/date/be with other people, then I guess there's nothing wrong with it, but I still think he should have been forthcoming.
My assumption that he had lied was from the way you phrased "Three months into the relationship, you discover that he's been seeing other women the entire time you've been together. When you confront him about it, he doesn't even respond." "discover" and "doesn't even respond" makes me think you were implying he was hiding it.
Quote:
Women don't owe men sex just because they go out on dates with them. And men don't owe women exclusive relationships just because they're having sex with them. In both cases, the girl and the guy made bad assumptions.
Which is why I think casual dating is stupid. Figure out what you want up front, and make that clear from date 1 or date 2. The other person will reciprocate, or not--but either way you'll know before you've invested time and money and emotions into a relationship. How do you go 3 months without talking about where a relationship is headed? Why do you keep buying $150 dinners without actually getting to know the person well enough to know there's a future? It doesn't make sense to me.
I don't even know what *worse* is supposed to mean in this situation. Most people make mistakes in dating and unless they are a glutton for punishment they would not endlessly repeat the above scenarios.
So, in both cases hopefully the guy and gal learned a lesson and as such got something out of the relationship.
Nothing is sadder than having a friend that keeps getting played by gold-diggers or used for sex when nothing better is immediately available.
since this area seems to attract a lot of guys who are frustrated with women when it comes to dating.....it's a percentages thing, you know?
Interesting. I think most of the guys who post here are younger guys, which is understandable. Dating can be a frustrating experience for guys 18-24. The women their age want the men who are older/higher status/more experienced than them or they have the pick of the litter of the guys their own age. Plus, when girls are young and having fun, and marriage and kids are nowhere on the horizon, they have no shortage of options for casual flings with hot guys.
But things change. As women get older and become more serious about relationships, they find it's much harder to get that engagement ring than they ever imagined. Many shared the experience of the girl I described in Example 1 over and over again in their early and mid 20s. But where people say to the young male posters in this forum, "You're pathetic" or "Women probably don't like you because....", people say to older women (older meaning 26 and up), "Men are immature," "Men are pigs," or "Men are afraid of commitment." That seems to be the running meme here and elsewhere.
True, younger guys might be frustrated with dating because they have "issues," but rarely does it occur to most that a woman "struggling" to get married might have it tough because men are thinking:
"This chick's not pretty enough to be wifey, but she'll do for a roll in the hay."
For sure #1 is worse. It is a huge waste of time and an even larger emotional blow. That's why after a few times of getting knocked down some of the pretty but insecure girls end up settling for fugly guys who probably don't even treat them all that well.
In #2 the guy probably lost out on a few hours of his life and dinner money, big deal.
In both cases though, people should try to stick to reality and go out with people that they have a reasonable chance with.
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