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It makes me sick to my stomach when people in these articles say "I'm not proud of my actions, but it all worked out for the better" or "I felt bad for cheating, but my heart was in the right place." These articles are full of justification for being unfaithful, and I lose faith in people when I see that the confessors are acting like this when they are much older than teenagers.
Fluff or not, these articles make it very scary to commit to anyone. They make it sound like anyone can justify unfaithfulness for a myriad of childish reasons.
"You’ve probably heard that men cheat for physical reasons, women for emotional reasons. Sure, there’s some truth to that, but when we asked real women around the country to share why they strayed from their boyfriends, we learned they had a whole host of explanations — from bad kissing to sheer revenge..."
Most woman cheat in order to recapture their lost-youth. The time before jobs, mortgages, babies, piles of laundry, money problems, dirty dishes, car repairs, broken furnaces...basically the time before they had to be grown ups. They often trade their virtue for some cheap, cheesy compliments from a coworker. One thing leads to another.
Men simply cheat because they are horny. Although, A man who would betray his own integrity for a piece of ass is not really a man.
Most woman cheat in order to recapture their lost-youth. The time before jobs, mortgages, babies, piles of laundry, money problems, dirty dishes, car repairs, broken furnaces...basically the time before they had to be grown ups. They often trade their virtue for some cheap, cheesy compliments from a coworker. One thing leads to another.
Men simply cheat because they are horny. Although, A man who would betray his own integrity for a piece of ass is not really a man.
Please, the reasons you gave both sexes do it. Women are horny too
Perhaps it wouldn't be GIVEN so much weight if it weren't so prevalent.
Nope...I leave it as it stands, and here's why:
The focus on the negative (will they? are they? are they thinking about it? was that flirting? ) completely displaces/negates effort spent on connecting better and constructively developing one's self and growing in the relationship. For every person's moments spent spying on someone else's email account, or FB, or focusing negative energy in that search for blame/failure/disrespect....
(Well...if you are looking hard enough, then you will surely find it .)
....every one of those moments and all that effort should instead be spent on building positives and working towards mutual respect and understanding. If you find that you are doing this all alone in your relationship, then it is time for a very frank discussion or it is time to move on. Anyone that has truly been paying attention to their relationship can see the train wreck miles before it happens. If you didn't, or did not act on it...that is on you.
I've been on both sides of the coin and learned a great deal about accepting responsibility for all my actions. Stop playing stupid...or the victim. Neither is becoming or entirely true.
The focus on the negative (will they? are they? are they thinking about it? was that flirting? ) completely displaces/negates effort spent on connecting better and constructively developing one's self and growing in the relationship. For every person's moments spent spying on someone else's email account, or FB, or focusing negative energy in that search for blame/failure/disrespect....
(Well...if you are looking hard enough, then you will surely find it .)
....every one of those moments and all that effort should instead be spent on building positives and working towards mutual respect and understanding. If you find that you are doing this all alone in your relationship, then it is time for a very frank discussion or it is time to move on. Anyone that has truly been paying attention to their relationship can see the train wreck miles before it happens. If you didn't, or did not act on it...that is on you.
I've been on both sides of the coin and learned a great deal about accepting responsibility for all my actions. Stop playing stupid...or the victim. Neither is becoming or entirely true.
Of course - I totally agree with you that the success or failure of a relationship is entirely up to the parties involved. But that gets away from your original statement that cheating is the foremost concern in a relationship.
I've been there too, and I think that self-abandonment is the biggest thief of love and understanding. It may be closely followed by cheating concerns, but followed it is. In fact, cheating may merely be the product of this insidious affliction.
What is self-abandonment? You can have several flavors of it - physical, mental, financial, spiritual, emotional, relational - but the symptoms are all laid out on a daily basis, both in this Forum and in the outside world...
We judge ourselves too harshly instead of accepting ourselves
We turn to various addictions to cope with our problems
We blame others for our feelings
We expect our partner to take care of us financially
We refuse to assume responsibility for our own actions
We let ourselves become physically weak and unattractive
We abandon ourselves to our partner by either becoming too aggressive or too docile, instead of maintaining an equilibrium
We look to our partner to GIVE us love, instead of our SHARING it with them
Perhaps most importantly, we've forgotten how to love OURSELVES before any others
Cheating is just a manifestation of one or several of these shortcomings. It is the symptom, not the disease.
I think what you're describing - the focus on the negative - is our inability to trust our partner; that usually stems from our OWN fears and projections, NOT from our partner. They are merely playing out the role that we've created for them, fulfilling our expectations and helping our nightmare come to life.
If that is the case then yes, striving toward understanding and respect - of OURSELVES first and THEN our partner - would be the cure.
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