Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We think she'll be able to for a little while. With my brother and SIL right there and me to come in periodically to get her stocked up, we think we can keep her in her own home for a few months at least. She has a big house with lots of hobbies, though that seems to be getting more difficult for her.
Getting her into an apartment sounds like a bigger fight than we're willing to take on right now--just getting her to this house was a huge issue. The woman is a hoarder and has been for years and all she cares about is her stuff. She has two large houses packed to the rafters with lots and lots of stuff and some of it is really nice but it's excess--100's of tablecloths at the country house alone. And she never uses them. It will be the next step but we'll have to keep her here for a few months or until she loses it some more. If the doc says she can't go to the country, guess what my job will be? I am so not looking forward to it. I can just see me getting in the middle of that and my idiot sis driving her down b/c "that's what mom wanted."
And you are absolutely correct that the sis will mooch off of anyone she can--she's run out of options, but she has been working a temp job for a few months and if she didn't save enough money to get her own place then that's her problem. She almost had a real job at the university but flunked the drug test.
Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they get the message that they must act to save themselves.
Your sweet mom has not helped your sister but has instead enabled her to continue making bad choices, and I know you know that.
You are dealing with a lot honey, and I'm so sorry. At least you've got your brother to join forces with
Yeah, I meant to mention that my cousin, an atty, is handling my mother's legal affairs and she doesn't know how to handle it either. I'd love to take out a restraining order but not sure how to do it, b/c I know my mother would never stand up to sis--she seems to be afraid of her. Well maybe when we have our appt soon we'll find out more--I'm sure this is not totally out of the norm--seems like when a person with money gets alzheimer's, the bottom feeders come out from behind their rock.
She really is scummy--at 46 she's never had a real job and I'm convinced that she shoplifts too, and I'm waiting for her to call and ask me where her bag of pot is. I hid it in a secure place in the house and when she asks, no demands to know, I'll tell her to go ask mom. He he.
Oh and knight, I'm not sure the stern verbal warning would work--we've been issuing those for the last 25 years and they have no effect--they just cause her to dream up another idiotic lie and I'm sure she'd mishandle the money in such a way that she couldn't get caught.
I'm sorry--I really don't think there is an answer for this--I think that I just came in here to blow off steam b/c I am stressed to the max over this--it's hard enough to deal with a parent with memory loss w/o having to deal with selfish sibs at the same time, but I guess that's part of the whole mess.
Dear Stepka, hugs for you.
I am glad to tell you that there are things that you can or should do.
Please contact AARP and your state Commission on Aging, and ask for family caregiver support groups in your area, and recommended attorneys in Elder Law. There may be a hot-line for suspected Elder Abuse. Do not wait on this.
Please contact the Alzheimer's Association -- they do a tremendous job of family caregiver support Alzheimer's Association . They have information, help, groups for family members, social groups for folks with AD at all stages, and provide the CPE for healthcare workers working with memory-impaired seniors (I was trained by the AA).
Stepka -- your mom has 'staged' -- which is a sudden change in cognitive ability in people with memory impairments. The processing challenges in some folks with AD can sometimes be quick, terrifying and severely delimiting. Some folks with AD, you might not necessarily tell they are impaired because their speech is fluent, they read, and appear in every way functional -- but have problems completing a task from A to B to C. The Dr. should perform a mini-mental on Mom to see where she is with that.
I know you are angry at sis right now, she probably is a feckless and selfish person, but it's important to also realize that your mom's fear of her and the elaborate "theft" scenarios are very very common in Alzheimer's sufferers. They develop hatreds and fears of certain people at certain times for no apparent reason (which is not to say there may not be reason here), that is a very difficult symptom to deal with.
It's time for you and her executor (or power-of-attorney, may not be one and the same person) to arrange a meeting with her legal representative and discuss managing her assets. You are not being mean, you must do this to protect mom, she may need her assets later for her care. Relatives who are smart do this ALL THE TIME.
Some of the stress is also the sensation of loss, as your mom changes and reacts in ways you don't recognize. The AA will coach you on how to handle some of this, psychologically and strategically, but of course each person (and family) is different, and AD manifests differently in everyone. The over-arching principle here is that NO MATTER WHAT your mom says or how she acts, she just needs to be safe and feel accepted and loved. The best assisted-living facilities sometimes do this better than families, I'm sad to say, because well-meaning family members sometimes are in denial about the severity of their loved-one's impairment and put them in distress by insisting they "REMEMBER" something, or that "Yes, you can do that, you've been doing that for years". As an example -- I suggest that you don't tell Mom she can't go to the country. Make up a nice white lie and stick with it every times the subject comes up -- like, I don't know, they have to redo the floors at the house or something so nobody can go up there just now. Again, her safety is at stake here, and a road trip with the pothead sister doesn't sound like a great idea.
I hope this doesn't sound 'lecture-y', I am just trying to pass on some of what I know if it can help you. There are resources out there -- you are not alone.
One last thing, facing the life-limiting illness of a parent brings out all the family issues, and sometimes they never get solved. People who work in geriatric health care see it all.
First Of all I am sorry that your mother is going through this and your family as well..but do not despair until you have no choice..I wish you the best for you in this..
Re: Your sister? It is really up to your mom to determine what she will tolerate and will not tolerate, if she cannot stand her because of all of these issues then she needs to tell her to move out..Legally if it comes down to it..
As far as being worried down the road if your mom is no longer able to make decisions for herself I would urge you and your family to get together and talk about the possibility of a conservatorship. Someone in the family that is legally assigned to your mothers affairs and makes the decisions regarding her livlihood, finances and care...
Good luck
Yes but someone with Alzheimers can't do that. I think the other family members will need to come together and determine some things now. Make sure the mother's money and mother's assets are not taken from her when she's vulnerable.
To put this as gently as possible, is your mother going to be able to live without assistance anyway? If she isn't even able to shop at the grocery store, surely she won't be able to go back to living at home by herself, whether it's in the country or in the other house, right?
Have you looked into some sort of assisted living place, or having her live with one of you guys? Or in a small apartment? If so, the solution (unfortunately), might be that both of her properties are sold in order to pay for your mother's care. It's unfortunate for the mooch sister, but it sounds like she'll mooch off anyone until there's nothing left to take. I'd have your brother start the eviction process quickly, since it may take months.
That's good advice I think. It might be better to start getting the assets available for her long-term care and assisted living may be much better than living with someone who is apt to scam her out of everything.
The Power of Atty (POA) your brother is holding will not go into full effect unless your mother is deemed unable to make decisions for herself. If you can get a court to deem her mentally unable to make decisions then the POA kicks in. Since your sister is not a caregiver for your mother she is not protected my medicare/medicaid guidlines in relation to the home. Legally she is on a month to month lease with verbal agreements with your mother. If you can get the POA in full effect, then she can be treated like a tenant. Which from there forward it becomes a LL/tenant relationship. Look up renters rights and eviction laws for your city and follow them. Since she's been living there rent free then per your mothers interests you can't charge her rent. But since it is a private home, you can give her 30 day notice that all utilities will be shut off and that she has those amount of days to open new accts in her own name. From here forward follow the rights/laws as per your city.
As to money same issue applies. Once POA is in place, debit card can be canceled and bank(s) can be notified that a POA is legally in place and that your sister is not to be given any access to the accounts.
Question: Does your sister have living rights to either home listed in the will?
This has all been so helpful, folks. I have copied some of your responses and sent them to my bro and SIL and we will go from there. Mom's appt is in a week and we will be having a whole team workup by talking to doc, social worker, etc and it's a family thing--they want as many of us as possible to be there. I'm not clear on whether this team would then declare mom incompetent to handle her own affairs? And then you go to court to have POA transferred I believe?
My bro is all for going in and kicking sis out, but I told him that it would be better to wait and make sure we know exactly what we can and can't do, b/c you can be pretty darn sure she knows. He also mentioned buying her off, but I think that's just desperation talk b/c she'll just be back for more if we do that or she won't honor an agreement. Poor man is stuck out of town for now and getting seriously stressed about the fact that he can't be here.
Malamute is correct in that mom won't be able to kick sis out--even if she could summon up the mental power to do so and stay on course, the fact is that she's never been able to stand up to sis--she's always thrown money at her in the hopes that she'd just go away and maybe that's what sis is hoping for now. Neil, as far as I know, she has no rights to the house listed on the will but we'll look into it.
birdinmigration, I was wondering what to tell mom about going to the country--so far I've told her that the doc will have to make the decision, but I like your idea better--I thought of it but wasn't sure if it was recommended practice, and glad to know that it is. I have seen people "reminding" their parent that they forgot, and the agony it causes, even if only momentarily, so I'm glad to answer the same question 50x and act like I never heard it before. We will surely be making use of those resources over the coming months/years.
This has all been so helpful, folks. I have copied some of your responses and sent them to my bro and SIL and we will go from there. Mom's appt is in a week and we will be having a whole team workup by talking to doc, social worker, etc and it's a family thing--they want as many of us as possible to be there. I'm not clear on whether this team would then declare mom incompetent to handle her own affairs? And then you go to court to have POA transferred I believe?
My bro is all for going in and kicking sis out, but I told him that it would be better to wait and make sure we know exactly what we can and can't do, b/c you can be pretty darn sure she knows. He also mentioned buying her off, but I think that's just desperation talk b/c she'll just be back for more if we do that or she won't honor an agreement. Poor man is stuck out of town for now and getting seriously stressed about the fact that he can't be here.
Malamute is correct in that mom won't be able to kick sis out--even if she could summon up the mental power to do so and stay on course, the fact is that she's never been able to stand up to sis--she's always thrown money at her in the hopes that she'd just go away and maybe that's what sis is hoping for now. Neil, as far as I know, she has no rights to the house listed on the will but we'll look into it.
birdinmigration, I was wondering what to tell mom about going to the country--so far I've told her that the doc will have to make the decision, but I like your idea better--I thought of it but wasn't sure if it was recommended practice, and glad to know that it is. I have seen people "reminding" their parent that they forgot, and the agony it causes, even if only momentarily, so I'm glad to answer the same question 50x and act like I never heard it before. We will surely be making use of those resources over the coming months/years.
Yes and get a lawyer soon. You could probably get something that would require ALL or at least 2 good interested parties sign on any asset change before it can be made which would prevent the one from selling anything or taking out large sums of money by getting your mom to sign something.
As for your sister, the younger she is the better she can get her life on track so keeping her longer how she is isn't going to benefit her. For her own good she needs to get on her own, the sooner the better.
You could probably get something that would require ALL or at least 2 good interested parties sign on any asset change before it can be made which would prevent the one from selling anything or taking out large sums of money by getting your mom to sign something.
no. If there is only one person listed as POA, then that person has all the power as if he were his mother. He cannot adjust the POA to add another POA. Once the POA is in place he needs to go down to the county office of each house and have it recorded. Once it is recorded then the deed will be adjusted in their computer system that he the caretaker of the property. Same must be done with all Doctors & Banks.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
He he.
We will surely be making use of those resources over the coming months/years.
