Love or Security (wife, girlfriends, marriage, woman)

[kalea15]

Hi,i have been with my husband for 19 yrs, (i am not in love with him anymore). I have met someone else who is married and has 3 children...the wife does know about me, and that her husband has told her and the children that he loves me. I have told my husband i want a divorce...also said that i was in love with this person to him .... The guy i now love is having marriage problems. He says " he wants to be with me" i am not so sure if he means as a commitment as he says. I am very screwed up to know what to do?? He keeps saying when i ask what his intentions are towards me, that we will see what happens?? Does anyone have any advice for me?? I never thought i would be the type of person that would fall in love with someone else...let alone someone else's husband, i do hate myself for being this person.

[Knight2009]

IMO, a lack of passion does not excuse adultery. Sorry, just being bluntly honest here.

[kalea15]

thatz cool, u have a right to your opinion!

[NorthShoreMA]

Originally Posted by kalea15

The guy i now love is having marriage problems. .

Yes, I would agree he IS having marriage problems - if he is married and also with another woman - there is a problem here.

How do you know for sure he has told his wife about you? He may not have told her. I'd say, take six months (without new guy) and you will have a more clear picture of your future....if there was/is a chance of you two being together, it will be there six months from now was well.....any chance you working it out with original husband? If not, the six months will give you time to figure out what you and current husband will do - who will leave and who will stay...imo

[kalea15]

I know his wife knows about it, because she has told me that her husband told her that he loves me! Not sure if it will work out with original husband as i believe we have grown apart. We are in the process of starting to sell our home, and talking about dividing our things up.

[JewelloftheNile]

I'm about to write some things that you, probably, don't want to hear but the truth is the truth whether we like it or not, it's not subject to one's interpretation. You titled this, "Love or Security." After telling your husband your no longer love him and you want a divorce, where's the security? You don't have that any longer. You met someone else who doesn't want to commitment to you. Of course not, he's married and still living with his wife and 3 children. "The guy you now love is having marital problems." How stupid is that statement. Of course he's having marital problems. He's having an affair. What you need to do is leave the married guy alone, sit down and talk things over with your husband, if he stills wants you, and then after you talk things over with your husband, then you both need to decide where your marriage is going. This guy that you're "in love" with; it's not love my dear, it's lust, and that's why he isn't ever going to commitment to you. So, take the advice I gave. Quit seeing him. Talk things over with your husband, if he's willing to, and forget you ever met this other person.

[Thursday007]

When it comes to cheating my philosophy is this: What a person can do with you, they can do to you.

I'll tell you a true story. Man and woman come into millions. Man was having an affair with a very young woman (not the first time), got her an apartment and everything and this girl actually called the man's wife to tell her that her husband was going to divorce her and marry her. The woman said, "you sure about that?" The girl said that is exactly what he said. The wife told her she was very mistaken and was willing to prove it.

Man was at the girl's apartment and the girl initiates conversation about divorce and marriage and he told her that he was going to divorce his wife and marry her. SURPRISE, out of the closet comes the wife and says, "Good to know." Then walked out. (I think he wet his pants- but I'm not sure).

He'd been bullsquating this girl as he had others and the wife knew darn well he'd never get a divorce. She was right, guess who was out of the picture first - the girlfriend on the side. While, though after the eldest went off to college they finally divorced - but it was years and other girlfriends later.

My own father was married 3 times and screwed around on every one of them. So, like I said, what they do with you - they can do to you.

I tell you these stories because when push comes to shove, that marriage no matter how awful he claims it is at the moment (which I think is just a sympathy ploy he's pulling on you) it will be given the second chance before a full chance on you. And, if you are with someone who screws around with you - there's a good chance they will screw around on you.

[JustJulia]

It's not just about the feelings this man may have for you. He has three children and may want to keep his family intact.

[yankeegirl313]

You need to put away the "fantasies" of this other man, and deal with your own marriage right now. He needs to do the same. Tell him to look you up when he is divorced.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by kalea15

Hi,i have been with my husband for 19 yrs, (i am not in love with him anymore). I have met someone else who is married and has 3 children...the wife does know about me, and that her husband has told her and the children that he loves me. I have told my husband i want a divorce...also said that i was in love with this person to him .... The guy i now love is having marriage problems. He says " he wants to be with me" i am not so sure if he means as a commitment as he says. I am very screwed up to know what to do?? He keeps saying when i ask what his intentions are towards me, that we will see what happens?? Does anyone have any advice for me?? I never thought i would be the type of person that would fall in love with someone else...let alone someone else's husband, i do hate myself for being this person.

And what makes you think you'll be "in love" with him in another 19 years or even less?