Took another step further away from Online Dating (boyfriend, girlfriend, girls)
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-Learn to accept that sometimes sad things happen and they aren't anyone's fault. Your ex didn't feel you were the right man for her. The relationship ended. It was a sad thing. You have every right to be disappointed. Allowing time to heal would be productive. Allowing it to turn you bitter would be counterproductive.
-Accept that your past has been difficult for you to deal with. Sometimes you need therapy to address bad things that have happened in your past in order to pave the way to a happier future. Ignoring problems or denying they exist will just cause you to keep repeating the same failures. I would get therapy, not because your ex would be "right" if you did, but because it would help you get to a happier place where you could really be a good partner to someone.
-Accept that right now, you are not in a position to be a good partner to anyone. Accordingly, even if this girl had agreed to see you again, it would have failed. If not after one date, then after two. If not after a week, then after a month. Until you address the underlying issues making you sad (from childhood and from your ex), they will infect any relationship, no matter how hard you wish they wouldn't. Forget about the girl from the other night. You're not ready to date anyone so she's kind of irrelevant. Focus on getting you in a better place so that when you're emotionally ready and meet a great girl 6 months from now, you have something to offer. All the talk that you do now comes across as bravado. If you can't open your heart to someone fully, you are incapable of being in a relationship. Period.
-As for the texting versus calling, texting is low-risk. You don't have to face the possibility that she could tell you "no." It's also impersonal. She didn't get to hear your voice, any personality. So the impression she got was: This guy won't even risk a phone call (not much of a go-getter, eh?) and there's nothing invested in it for him. Calling is better. If you were a neurosurgeon whose only opportunity to make contact was between two scheduled 12-hour surgeries at 3 AM, then I might excuse it. For nearly anyone else, it comes across exactly as you described: "My baseball game on TV is more important than you."
Ok, but you only answered half my question. I didn't ask for a psych eval, and you're not someone who is anywhere near qualified to make that judgement. I'll be the one to decide what I'm ready for and whether I'll make a good partner for someone....not you.
So what do I do now? What's H886's answer to this problem now? What's the prescription, doctor?
Chalk it up as a loss and move on? Or give her a call tonight/tomorrow?
Thank you for taking the time to illustrate what this sort of "communication" for imbeciles looks like, JJ.
I wouldn't call anyone an imbecile, but I do think that texting takes such little effort that it doesn't count as real interaction. You don't even know if the other person is there. He or she might be busy or distracted, while you're sitting there, waiting, wondering why this person isn't responding right away. And because typing takes longer than speaking, responses are usually abbreviated and rushed, which eliminates most of the nuance. IM was bad enough, but texting gives the ability to be walking around. The conversation takes minimal effort and attention.
I wouldn't call anyone an imbecile, but I do think that texting takes such little effort that it doesn't count as real interaction. You don't even know if the other person is there. He or she might be busy or distracted, while you're sitting there, waiting, wondering why this person isn't responding right away. And because typing takes longer than speaking, responses are usually abbreviated and rushed, which eliminates most of the nuance. IM was bad enough, but texting gives the ability to be walking around. The conversation takes minimal effort and attention.
Julia, I've always respected your opinion. Would you say calling at this point is worth a shot or should I just scratch this one as a loss?
Ok, but you only answered half my question. I didn't ask for a psych eval, and you're not someone who is anywhere near qualified to make that judgement. I'll be the one to decide what I'm ready for and whether I'll make a good partner for someone....not you.
So what do I do now? What's H886's answer to this problem now? What's the prescription, doctor?
Chalk it up as a loss and move on? Or give her a call tonight/tomorrow?
That's why you should've called in the first place. Calling after an unaswered text is just going to make things awkward. At least you've learned your lesson for next time (hopefully). Save your texting to your friends and not someone you've just met and think of pursuing. Grow a pair- and this goes to all men out there.
Ok, but you only answered half my question. I didn't ask for a psych eval, and you're not someone who is anywhere near qualified to make that judgement. I'll be the one to decide what I'm ready for and whether I'll make a good partner for someone....not you.
So what do I do now? What's H886's answer to this problem now? What's the prescription, doctor?
Chalk it up as a loss and move on? Or give her a call tonight/tomorrow?
I would chalk it up as a loss and move on. You have nothing to offer right now and I think she'll see that whether it's from the text or whether you scare her off during dates.
Anyone you tried to date right now would see straight through to the nastiness and bitterness that comes through with every sentence. The way you speak to women, speak about women, and treat women is rude. It's condescending and you come across like you think you're God's gift. Whether she figures that out after one evening at a bar or whether it takes her a few months, it's going to continue to turn women off until you admit it's a problem and solve it.
Waste as much time as you want in denial. Call me names and insist I must be wrong if that feeds your machismo. In truth, I hope that even when you put up a nasty front here, you'll think about what's been said by many and consider getting help. It would be a shame for you to waste 10 more good years and then be annoyed that all the women have exes and kids to deal with, then waste another 10 years and note everyone's getting a little heavier, has teenagers to look after, waste another 10 years and note everyone's getting gray... then wish you could go back to that 28-year-old with the world at his feet and deal with the problem properly then.
(And incidentally, no, it's not you who decides whether you'll make a good partner for someone else (and it's not me either)... it's her. If they aren't buying what you're selling, that's a message in itself. Food for thought.)
Julia, I've always respected your opinion. Would you say calling at this point is worth a shot or should I just scratch this one as a loss?
Faint hearts never won fair maidens. Is an unanswered text all we're going on? Maybe she didn't get it.
If you call her, don't call with the same sort of conversation. "What's up?" "Oh nothing." "Cool. Want to get together sometime?" "OK I guess." Don't do this. Have something in mind ... an invitation somewhere specific that both of you can put on a calendar. No "sometime" or "one of these days" stuff.
Texting is not a good way to have a conversation, which is what many women need to figure out if you are worth their time and effort.
I would agree it is not the best way to comminicate, but it is the primary means of communication in the 20 yo age range. Many of the texters will make hundreds of texts for every 1 call. If she is in that demographic starting with a text is not unusual.
Even when your out at the bar. I'll walk up and start talking to a 20 something yo Text Zombie. She won't even look up and will continue to text. I'll rotate my bar stool and converse with whoever just to get away from the Zombie!
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Is an unanswered text all we're going on? Maybe she didn't get it.