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Old 07-12-2011, 10:36 AM
 
3,674 posts, read 7,180,863 times
Reputation: 2564

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First, I am not attempting to illicit sympathy, but am having a very rare disagrement with my daughter and want to see if anyone has an opinion.

My daughter is now age 30 with a 5-year old daughter. She (my daughter) has a terminal illness and is nearing the end of her life (or so the doctors tell us). I have been after her to make a series of written or video diaries for her daughter as she grows older so her daughter can come to know her mother as she grows, rather than not having even a slight remembrance. The videos can include some sage advice and what she was like growing up... things children ask their parents. I want mygrand daughter to know her mother- even after death in a personal way.

But my daughter is opting to not do so. She feels that there are already photos of her and in the event her husband remarries and her daughter has a new step mother that it might create conflict and some mixed feelings. She also thinks her now husband will, in his own way (as well as the grandparents) will keep her memory alive enough.

I don't know why, but I feel very stronlgy about this.

Now, to be sure, my daughter and I deeply love one another and this isn't something to come between us, but I really wish she would do this for her daughter. I will also abide by her wishes and butt out as it's her life to live as she chooses.

Any thoughts? Am I wrong? My mom died when I was 7 and I wish to pieces I knew her more.

BTW, I'm busy today and will not be able to monitor responses until this evening.
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Old 07-12-2011, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Bolingbrook, IL
172 posts, read 225,634 times
Reputation: 122
her life... if she doesn't want to, for whatever reason, then it shouldn't concern you.

life isn't a hollywood movie
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Old 07-12-2011, 10:49 AM
 
Location: Southern California
3,116 posts, read 4,081,928 times
Reputation: 3503
I definitely wouldn't push her to do a video - if someone is in their 80's and dying it's one thing, but to be 30 and dying? I wouldn't want my daughter to see video of me at my worst - I would want her to see photos and videos of me when I was healthy and vital.

As for writing, some people don't feel comfortable writing - they don't think they write well, or they worry about spelling, or sounding stupid. If you think your daughter might be concerned about any of that, you might offer to let her talk, and then you'll write it down - and let her make changes, if she desires. It's not an ideal plan, but it might work!
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Old 07-12-2011, 10:55 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,843 posts, read 54,857,697 times
Reputation: 22812
Oh, God, I don’t know… I really cherish the videos I happen to have of my parents (I lost them as an adult, though). The ex-husband who did them was annoying me at the time pestering us with the camcorder, but now I’m so grateful to him for having them. On the other hand, the more memorabilia you have of people (deceased or alive), the more you hold on to the memory and the harder time you have letting go. I’m not saying a child should forget her mother, but she’s a little kid and she should go on… She may have good luck with a stepmother and her adjustment may be easier is she’s not too attached to the memories of her mother. I think leaving her a letter would be nice.

Well, it really doesn’t matter what you or we think about it. It’s your daughter’s right to handle this as she wishes.
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Old 07-12-2011, 11:01 AM
 
1,469 posts, read 2,414,879 times
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Sounds creepy to me. Don't think children want to watch messages from the beyond.

"Honey, I'm dying but I love you and this is how you make a basket"

Home videos of good times are one thing, messages because you are dying are quite another.
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Old 07-12-2011, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Heart of Dixie
1,298 posts, read 1,086,463 times
Reputation: 1540
First, I am sorry that you all are going thru this, sounds very hard. I would worry more about the quality of life and time my daughter has left, make it the best it can be for all of you, however, I think it would be comforting to hear my mother talking to me, prolly why I call her a couple times a day.
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Old 07-12-2011, 11:50 AM
 
4,891 posts, read 12,107,337 times
Reputation: 3618
i think it's nice idea. imagine having a hard day at school and you just wish your mom were there to talk to you face to face. yes it wont be a conversation per say, but it would be nice to hear her voice, hear her encouraging you and help you feel better. ALSO i would definitely want videos of us just being together.
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Old 07-12-2011, 11:50 AM
 
Location: California
2,060 posts, read 5,747,619 times
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I would respect your daughter's decision and let it go. Very sad situation for all.
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Old 07-12-2011, 11:55 AM
 
Location: NY
6,373 posts, read 5,577,816 times
Reputation: 7057
What a terrible situation. My prayers are with your family!

I hate to give an opinion. Since you lived through a similar situation, and feel you would value having some video messages from your own mother, then my only advice would be to tell this to your daughter if you have not already.

If she still does not want to do it, then just try and respect her choice and enjoy the rest of your time together! I am sure her husband, and yourself will do a terrific job of keeping her memory alive for her daughter!
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Old 07-12-2011, 12:03 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,121 posts, read 57,026,781 times
Reputation: 38349
Quote:
Originally Posted by BLAZER PROPHET View Post
First, I am not attempting to illicit sympathy, but am having a very rare disagrement with my daughter and want to see if anyone has an opinion.

My daughter is now age 30 with a 5-year old daughter. She (my daughter) has a terminal illness and is nearing the end of her life (or so the doctors tell us). I have been after her to make a series of written or video diaries for her daughter as she grows older so her daughter can come to know her mother as she grows, rather than not having even a slight remembrance. The videos can include some sage advice and what she was like growing up... things children ask their parents. I want mygrand daughter to know her mother- even after death in a personal way.

But my daughter is opting to not do so. She feels that there are already photos of her and in the event her husband remarries and her daughter has a new step mother that it might create conflict and some mixed feelings. She also thinks her now husband will, in his own way (as well as the grandparents) will keep her memory alive enough.

I don't know why, but I feel very stronlgy about this.

Now, to be sure, my daughter and I deeply love one another and this isn't something to come between us, but I really wish she would do this for her daughter. I will also abide by her wishes and butt out as it's her life to live as she chooses.

Any thoughts? Am I wrong? My mom died when I was 7 and I wish to pieces I knew her more.

BTW, I'm busy today and will not be able to monitor responses until this evening.

Neither of you is wrong honey, you are both just coming at this from different places

I'm so sorry for what your daughter, and you, are going thru!

But what you would like for her to do just may be more than she can handle - emotionally or physically in her current condition.

And I will say this as kindly as possible and hope you hear it that way... she shouldn't be having to take care of your emotional needs right now.

What you need is secondary to what she needs. And she apparently needs you to let this go and not continue to pressure her okay?

You are just pannicked at losing her, which is of course a natural reaction, and are grasping at anything that will keep her "alive" for you. I can imagine doing much the same thing were I in your shoes!

But please just try to focus on what she says she needs right now and enjoy each and every moment you can with one another.

Hugging you in my heart...
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