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Again, my focus is on my children. Dating and ensuring that my children are being properly taken care of aren't mutually exclusive. I'm not sure why there are several posters jumping to the conclusion that if you date, you aren't concerned with your child's well-being. Additionally, introducing him to my children was never a discussed in my post. I haven't introduced him to my children and I wouldn't introduce any guy I'm dating to my children unless we were at a point in the relationship where we were SERIOUSLY considering marriage. I apologize if I'm coming off harshly, however, I don't take kindly to people explicitly or implicitly stating that I'm not considering what is it in the best interest of my children.
I understand there are varying philosophy's on the best way to raise a child, however, I am of the mind that a happy parent makes a happy child. Whether it's dating or finding time to improve your golf game, I believe that it is okay for a parent to take time for themselves every now and then. I also understand that some people feel that those activities can only be pursued when your children are much older. I respect that opinion but it's one that I don't believe in. As long as your children are happy and thriving, I don't think anyone should judge.
Last edited by tartsntorts; 07-16-2011 at 10:46 AM..
Again, my focus is on my children. Dating and ensuring that my children are being properly taken care of aren't mutually exclusive. I'm not sure why there are several posters jumping to the conclusion that if you date, you aren't concerned with your child's well-being. Additionally, introducing him to my children was never a discussed in my post. I haven't introduced him to my children and I wouldn't introduce any guy I'm dating to my children unless we were at a point in the relationship where we were SERIOUSLY considering marriage. I apologize if I'm coming off harshly, however, I don't take kindly to people explicitly or implicitly stating that I'm not considering what is it in the best interest of my children.
I understand there are varying philosophy's on the best way to raise a child, however, I am of the mind that a happy parent makes a happy child. Whether it's dating or finding time to improve your golf game, I believe that it is okay for a parent to take time for themselves every now and then. I also understand that some people feel that those activities can only be pursued when your children are much older. I respect that opinion but it's one that I don't believe in. As long as your children are happy and thriving, I don't think anyone should judge.
That's all well and good if you keep your dating life separate from your family life. But it sounds like you would like this relationship to be serious, even after he's told you that he isn't up to the challenges of family life.
Oh sure, he wasn't firm with his words. He was wishy-washy and left himself wiggle room... but read between the lines. He's trying to tell you as gently as he knows how that he's not excited or looking forward to being a part of your childrens life. Accept it gracefully.
It appears to me that you're so attached to this man that you're unable to use good judgment. You sound desperate because you're refusing to see just how unsuitable he is for you. You are in denial about the hardship and stress this will bring to you and your children if you insist on pressuring him into something he's not ready for. It's not fair to your children, it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to him either.
Again, my focus is on my children. Dating and ensuring that my children are being properly taken care of aren't mutually exclusive. I'm not sure why there are several posters jumping to the conclusion that if you date, you aren't concerned with your child's well-being. Additionally, introducing him to my children was never a discussed in my post. I haven't introduced him to my children and I wouldn't introduce any guy I'm dating to my children unless we were at a point in the relationship where we were SERIOUSLY considering marriage. I apologize if I'm coming off harshly, however, I don't take kindly to people explicitly or implicitly stating that I'm not considering what is it in the best interest of my children.
I understand there are varying philosophy's on the best way to raise a child, however, I am of the mind that a happy parent makes a happy child. Whether it's dating or finding time to improve your golf game, I believe that it is okay for a parent to take time for themselves every now and then. I also understand that some people feel that those activities can only be pursued when your children are much older. I respect that opinion but it's one that I don't believe in. As long as your children are happy and thriving, I don't think anyone should judge.
You sound like a well grounded person and I have no doubt that you are an excellent mom. Your post is not at all harsh but intelligent and thougtfull. Good luck in whatever decision you make and I hope everything works out for you all.
Wow, a guy that is open and communicative about what he is feeling, and those feelings seem very reasonable and insightful.
Yeah, lynch him ladies.
He should have been more "open" from the get-go.....I can imagine how hard it would be for a woman who the guy likes just fine...when she's without her children...but she's no longer good enough when she has them......the man is (to say the least)..a cad!!!
He should have been more "open" from the get-go.....I can imagine how hard it would be for a woman who the guy likes just fine...when she's without her children...but she's no longer good enough when she has them......the man is (to say the least)..a cad!!!
Really? How many people can commit to how they will feel in different situations? There would be no divorce if you could tell the person you would be five years from now.
At least he has the decency to voice that he has concerns. That opens the way for communication. The pro's and con's of a situation. The impact to his, the GF's and the children's lives.
He could have just bailed as opposed to voicing his concerns. A cad? He's someone who is communicating his needs, and leaving it open to discussion.
Background:
I'm a divorced mother of two and I've been dating my current boyfriend for about seven months now. He's 24 and I'm 27. Yes, the age disparity is huge (at least in my opinion). He pursued me relentlessly despite the fact that I'm a divorcee with children (I had reservations about dating someone younger than me because I have children). My ex-husband had primary custody of my sons throughout most of our relationship, however, this will be changing in the fall.
The Dilemma:
My boyfriend is worried what the change in custody will mean for our relationship and he is having second thoughts about whether he can handle dating a single mother.
My Thoughts:
I'm very upset that he waited until this point in our relationship to decide that he might not be on board. He was aware that I wanted my sons primarily and that the probability of this happening was very high. There were several points in our relationship where I've explicitly asked him whether he was okay with "my baggage". I'm regretting getting emotionally involved with someone his age despite my strong feelings for him. His indecisiveness is unsettling for me (to say the least) on one hand but I can't help but think that my anger might be unjustified. Perhaps that his desire to reassess our relationship is normal and that I should give him time to sort out his feelings. But on the other hand, I feel that if he truly loves me as much as he claims to, he should have made up his mind long ago. What should I do, people of the internet?
He's 24. He does not have any kids. He has no way of knowing whether he wants to be involved in a ready-made family and you have no idea whether your kids will even like him. This isn't actually what he signed up for and he'd be crazy not to have second thoughts about whether this situation is in his long-term best interest. He should probably get out and let you concentrate on raising your "baggage".
What IS huge is the fact that you are a parent and he is not.
Let him go and concentrate on your young children. There is plenty of time for dating later down the line - be a mom for now.
You are hurting, and I'm sorry for that, but he is doing the right thing for himself - now go do the same for yourself and your kids.
This.
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