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Old 08-17-2011, 02:51 PM
 
Location: Phoenix,AZ
760 posts, read 450,379 times
Reputation: 3035
Immature? Definitely yes...emotional abuse? No. But if you have children with this man then I think it would be for them.. Forget about your reasons for not wanting to have kids and concentrate on his behavior for a minute. Would you want your children exposed to this man if their grades weren't up to par? Would you want this man to be a role model for your children? Would you want your children to exposed to the dysfunctional one sided family dynamic that his family exhibits? I would want some extensive professional personal and family counseling before I would ever consider having a family with him. I would make a journal and take snapshots of his behavior over time and with this in hand I would confront him and tell him point blank..."Forget about my reasons for putting off having children..This is why I won't have children yet" Put the ball in his court and tell him you won't have his children until he gets counseling. With this on the table he may or may not do it...he may put you off ... he may just go out and have an affair because his wife "just doesn't understand" him. But if you give in and have children and then still divorce then the children will become his personal pawns and you will be the enemy. I could go on but think of the nastiest divorce that you have ever heard of and that could be you. Been there, done that and have the tee shirt.
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:01 PM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
10,635 posts, read 10,261,835 times
Reputation: 10528
OP
My ex displayed similar tantrums to what you describe. I agree with Irish. He needs some help to learn to deal with this issue. I do not think you should have children if you feel uncomforable about it. It dosent sound like you are ready and it would be foolish to do so now with these issues unresolved.

Im not exactly sure what my ex had told his mommy and daddy, but towards the end of our relationship there was an issue concerning Christmas (apparently I ruined it for everyone with the plans I made a month earlier and not being willing to change not only mine but my son and grandsons plans on a whim). Somehow this morphed into his dad was going to have a heart attack because we were not having sex! Go figure.
There were several unreasonable tantrums and outbursts throughout our marriage.
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:01 PM
 
Location: The Jar
9,089 posts, read 4,681,034 times
Reputation: 16935
Oh boy!

Listen, children have a way of magnifying/exasperating the flaws in their parents.

You think his faults and personality disorders are bad now, just you wait until children are introduced to the mix!!!!

You both need to seek therapy if your relationship is to last .
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:14 PM
 
Location: The Present
1,987 posts, read 1,874,040 times
Reputation: 1831
Quote:
Originally Posted by stromssa View Post
Hello everyone,
I am a 34-year-old woman, married 5 years. My husband and I are having relationship issues and I don't know where to turn, but I thought I'd try this forum and see what you all think.

First of all, we are each other's first significant romantic relationship. We were set up on a blind date by a mutual aquaintence. We work in similiar professions and we had a lot in common. We both instantly felt a connection. Within 2 months of meeting, he proposed to me. I said, "Yes," but on the condition we wait a year before marrying, so we could get to know each other better.

You see what I quoted? this is where all your problems lie

Did you marry this guy because you were nearly over the hill yourself in age? I occasionally feel a connection with some women that I bang, but that doesn't mean I'm going to marry them (by any means).

if anything you should have got to know him better before it became a legal issue, a proposal that early is a red flag.

hell anytime that I hear marriage I see red flags.
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:36 PM
 
4,982 posts, read 3,978,931 times
Reputation: 4263
Quote:
Originally Posted by wordlife View Post
You see what I quoted? this is where all your problems lie

Did you marry this guy because you were nearly over the hill yourself in age? I occasionally feel a connection with some women that I bang, but that doesn't mean I'm going to marry them (by any means).

if anything you should have got to know him better before it became a legal issue, a proposal that early is a red flag.

hell anytime that I hear marriage I see red flags.
A 29 yo woman ( at the time of marriage) is "over-the-hill"???

A lot of teen brides in your part of the country?
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:40 PM
 
Location: The Present
1,987 posts, read 1,874,040 times
Reputation: 1831
Quote:
Originally Posted by MassVt View Post
A 29 yo woman ( at the time of marriage) is "over-the-hill"???

A lot of teen brides in your part of the country?
People still get married?
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Old 08-17-2011, 04:22 PM
 
2,596 posts, read 2,444,651 times
Reputation: 3873
I am so sorry you are going through this right now. It sounds like you are a rational, highly reasonable person, and that you are married to a spoiled, immature man who it sounds like may have some mental issues at play.

After reading your entire post, the thing that stands out the most for me (and I think you're smart and already realize this) is that you cannot have children with this man. Not the way he is and not with the behavior he's shown you over the past five years. It would be such a horrible thing to do to an innocent child, to subject them to a father like that. They are the true victims. They would have no choice. Even if he's "on good behavior" some of the time, to throw tantrums, to scream at a sander or to honk the horn or to be such a psycho at work that he scares the entire office? Can you imagine what that would do to your poor child? It would likely be permanently scarring, do damage on them for the entirety of their adult lives. To grow up in a household with a parent like that would be a terrible injustice. I think you realize that. I think that's why you haven't agreed to have children with him, and I think that was a smart move. Please, it sounds like you're a good, compassionate woman. Please do not doom a child to this situation. The best thing a mother can give her child is a good, stable father. If you don't have that, the kindest thing to do is not to bring that child into the world.

As to what to do about your husband, the next question you need to ask is whether you want to live the rest of your life this way. I definitely think to bring a child into this would be horrible. If you want to stay (perhaps what you get out of it is worth his failings), then I would suggest asking him to attend counseling with you. See if he is willing to change his behavior patterns. And personally, I would consider it key that you take the talk of children off the table. You aren't trying to determine if he can straighten it up for a few months to manipulate you into having a baby. You're trying to figure out if he has the mental capacity to make a lasting change in behavior. If he isn't willing to do that, I would question why you would want to stay in this marriage. Best of luck to you.
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Old 10-23-2012, 01:33 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,727 times
Reputation: 16
If I didn't know better, we are living parallel lives. Though I pray I don't pass judgement on your husband, he appears to possess Passive Aggressive tendencies. Starting a family is a subject matter for the husband and wife and any discussions, positive or negative, should be confined to the two only. Unfortunately, your husband allowed his family's interference by speaking to them about this matter versus what should be discussed by the two of you only. He passively tried to downplay his error and changed the issue at hand (talking to family) to your acceptance of his apology and try to have a family. This leads me to believe that, should a similar topic occur, he will again discuss the matter at hand with...his family.

Did you meet his family before marrying? A functional or dysfunctional dynamics of a family would have greatly impacted your decision to marry, I'm sure. And, your sister-in-law's behavior makes me further believe there may have been issues not addressed within this family for immaturity to exist in more than one family member.

A typical behavior of a classic Passive Aggressor is withholding sex as control. However, as you mentioned, he is anxious to have children. If he reacts with no empathy of your feelings, perhaps he is exercising sex rather than lovemaking....to get only what he wants, in this case, a child. What will happen if and when a child is actually produced? I'm sure your husband loves you (in his own way) but there are many red flags that must be address before proceeding.

I mention all the above because I married a man who I thought was a caring, quiet, & shy guy who pursued me for a long time...on and off. We were engaged for 6 years prior to marrying in 2007. He said he prayed to God for guidance and believed God gave his blessing to do so. I bought that line hook, line and sinker! Today, my husband is questioning his faith! My husband did not introduce me or interact with his family until one year before we married. Because of the distance involved with his divorced parents and two siblings, it took me 2 years (after marriage) to discover the dysfunction within his family unit as well as personality disorders in all members...including my husband. Although I knew our marriage wasn't quite right from the beginning and not being a professional in the mental health field, I learned recently that my husband shows classic symptoms of Passive Aggressive Disorder. Rather than share in conversation his likes, dislikes or just plain talking, he gave me the silent treatment and expected me to know what he was thinking. And, since we did not live together prior to marriage, I misunderstood his quiet nature. Needless to say, we are separated and may soon divorce especially since my husband, without provocation, announced that he could no longer go on this way and wants a divorce since he added he is unwilling to change. Remember, there was never a discussion regarding any issues he was experiencing.

I pray all will work out in your favor no matter what your decision. Knowledge is power and it may behoove you to seek further answers to your particular situation, i.e., his family dynamics. Just know that there are more people in our position than we care to imagine.....it's tragic because help is available if only the affected feels they have a problem.
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Old 10-23-2012, 01:46 PM
 
Location: State of Relaxation
28,644 posts, read 14,353,291 times
Reputation: 19493
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishiis49 View Post
Tell him before you even think about having a child with him he has to get help for his anger management issues. As far as the father-in-law,take him at his word that he was drunk and move on.Your sister-in-law is a b!@#$,ignore her,I think you are overly sensitive about many of the things regarding your husband.If you have reservations about having a child don't have one...kids are hard enough to raise when they're really wanted!!
This. Bringing a child into this situation would be a train wreck in the making. But the problem seems deeper than just anger management. In any case, it's pretty clear you both should get counseling, probably separately at first; him for anger management and general maturity issues, and you, to help you sort through this whole thing, and to see if issues of your own may be contributing to the situation (hard to say from your post).

You're not the first person in the early years of marriage to post about conflicts over kids/no kids. Did you two not discuss this prior to marriage? It's a pretty fundamental issue.
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Old 10-23-2012, 01:52 PM
 
Location: State of Relaxation
28,644 posts, read 14,353,291 times
Reputation: 19493
Quote:
Originally Posted by AuntieEu View Post
my husband shows classic symptoms of Passive Aggressive Disorder. Rather than share in conversation his likes, dislikes or just plain talking, he gave me the silent treatment and expected me to know what he was thinking.
Is passive-aggressive behavior a "disorder" or a choice? Thanks for a thought-provoking post.
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