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Old 08-17-2011, 02:32 PM
 
6 posts, read 45,137 times
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Hello everyone,
I am a 34-year-old woman, married 5 years. My husband and I are having relationship issues and I don't know where to turn, but I thought I'd try this forum and see what you all think.

First of all, we are each other's first significant romantic relationship. We were set up on a blind date by a mutual aquaintence. We work in similiar professions and we had a lot in common. We both instantly felt a connection. Within 2 months of meeting, he proposed to me. I said, "Yes," but on the condition we wait a year before marrying, so we could get to know each other better.

We ended up marrying the following year. Again, we were still in a "puppy love" phase. The only red flags I noticed throughout this time (pre-marriage and immediately after) was that occasionally, something would upset him (like someone parked in his apartment parking spot by accident and he freaked out; banging on the horn and yelling, until the sheepish car-owner came out of the building, apologized and offered to move his car, and my husband acted all normal then, smiling and saying, "Thanks!").

Another time, we had just purchased our first home, and the sander we had rented didn't seem to work. He freaked out again, jumping up and down, screaming, "Wooorrrrkkk!!! Worrrrrkkkk!!!!!!" at the sander at the top of his lungs before calling the place we rented it from to come and help us; they simply plugged it into a different outlet and it worked fine.

Meanwhile, 99 percent of the time he seemed the perfect gentleman: Opening doors, sending me flowers at work, saying he loved me; everyone commented on how pleasant and nice he was.

Some other things he does when something upsets him: He'll give me the silent treatment and act passive-aggressive, or, if he's driving, he'll speed up and tailgate someone in front of him for a bit if he's angry about something. He once got in trouble at work for stressing out and making everyone in the office unfomfortable: He was muttering under his breath, swearing and whispering things in a sort of "tight" voice that suggested barely-contained rage; he'd start pulling at his hair, putting his head in his hands, sighing etc. Finally, the boss called him on it and said he would have to learn to be "less demonstrative" because it made others uncomfortable. Of course, my husband didn't understand how it made everyone (including me, who worked in the same office for a time, uncomfortable).

He's told me that as far as emotions go, there is no middle ground--it's either bottle it up or let it all out.

One major sticking point in our relationship currently: He is desparate for children; I'm having a harder time. I've always had some anxiety about being pregnant and giving birth biologically (I was a preemie baby myself, and always have had a seemingly irrational fear of anything medical). Anyway, I'm trying to get over this, but he is impatient (he was raised in a very traditional Catholic home (I'm Methodist) --and is one of five kids; in his family, children are considered the highest plateau of personal achievement. In any case, he's trying to be patient with me but as he is approaching 40, he says his "biological clock is ticking." His parents are constantly asking him when we are going to have children.

The worst thing, however, is that on our family reunion, my father-in-law (who I've always sensed had some sort of issue with me) confronted me privately and asked me point-blank if I had sexual relations with his son, saying that my husband had come to them awhile ago and had said that he so wanted children with me and was miserable and unhappy and that whatever my problem was, I needed to "get over it." My father-in-law then said, "You make my son unhappy" and walked out of the room.

Turns out my husband had told his mom about a year ago something vague like, 'We're having some issues" but she must have told her husband, and he reached his own conclusions. Needless to say, this encounter with the father-in-law ruined the rest of the vacation for me and caused me to run upstairs and cry my eyes out, not to be seen the rest of the evening (my husband came up to check on me, found out what his dad had said to me, and went down to confront him, telling him it was none of his business)...meanwhile, he begged me not to leave him and said his dad didn't speak for him, in that in a moment of frustration, he had confided a bit to his parents, but he realized now how wrongheaded that was and he should have talked to a counselor/priest, etc.

By the next morning, everyone knew something had happened, though I'm not sure if they knew what it was about. My mother-in-law came upstairs after I didn't join them for breakfast to try to smooth things over: "Don't be made at your FIL: he just had too much to drink; I don't know why he said that; we all love you and you're part of our family" etc. etc. It did little good: I felt like the damage had areadly been done.

Before we left that morning, just as I got in the car, my father-in-law, looking properly chastened, came up to the car and said, "I'm so sorry about what I said; things were said but I hope we can work through this." I just nodded curtly and we took off. Meanwhile, hubby is already asking me to consider forgiving his parents; to just listen to them...he said, 'I know they're upset about what happened and that they love you." Also, he says, "I stood up for you to my dad and I will again." Yet, he still keeps saying, "Can we at least try for a baby?"-even in light of all of this drama.

Ironically, I find I am almost more upset with my husband's parents than I am at him, even though he was in the wrong for spilling about the issues in our private life. It's as if I got "cast out" by the parents-in-law as "not good enough" for their precious son, who can do no wrong. It's like they see me as a fraud, and since I feel like a fraud, it's just maddening to me....I'm just not the kind of model daughter-in-law they think I should be.

As for my husband, now he's on his best behavior trying to "win" me back--though the other night, when we were about to make love--he told me that a particular expression I make while we're intimate is upsetting to him--he thinks it means I'm not enjoying myself--he said it was like "nails on a chalkboard" and proceeded to demonstrate (mimic) whatever this thing is I apparently do, instead of being concerned and asking, 'Is there something I'm doing wrong? Am I hurting you?" or something like that. He seems to have very little empathy or emotional awareness. His thinking is also very rigid and within the parameters of how he was raised; he seems very immature emotionally. The only time he really shows any emotion is angry outbursts--like a 3-year-old. Once, we were outside in the garden and he accidentally broke a handsaw--the ensuing yelling and cursing attracted stares from some young neighbor girls next door, who looked to be about the ages of 10 and 8. How embarrasssing...


The lack of empathy also extends to the rest of this (clannish) family: His older sister, who has had grudges and run-ins with the in-laws and with members of her own family, recently sent a note and pictures of this recent family reunion to our home. The letter was addressed to my husband only, and the note inside said, "We hope you are ok, Joe. We love you!!! (the latter underlined three times for emphasis). One time, when she and her family visited us, they made a scapbook with pictures in it, and wrote as captions, 'Visiting Joe" and "We love our Uncle Joe!!!'

So, this is basically what I am dealing with: A moody, petulant, emotionally-immature husband who claims to love me but seems too caught up in his rigid thinking and expectations, and lack of emotional awareness to realize how hurtful some of his actions have been. He often holds grudges and has a hard time of letting go of things; whether they be material things or preconceived notions or behaviors. I just wonder if any of you have gone through something similiar, and would this be considered emotional abuse?
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:03 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 14,474,354 times
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Ah, how immature of the man to want a baby and confide in his family.

Sounds like he needs a better wife
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:10 PM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
5,346 posts, read 6,664,764 times
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Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser - MHM: Relationships
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:17 PM
 
16,623 posts, read 14,353,196 times
Reputation: 11492
Quote:
Originally Posted by stromssa View Post
So, this is basically what I am dealing with: A moody, petulant, emotionally-immature husband who claims to love me but seems too caught up in his rigid thinking and expectations, and lack of emotional awareness to realize how hurtful some of his actions have been.
i agree.

Quote:
I just wonder if any of you have gone through something similiar, and would this be considered emotional abuse?
sounds to me like y'all are both emotional.
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
13,194 posts, read 10,851,060 times
Reputation: 20429
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka View Post
Ah, how immature of the man to want a baby and confide in his family.

Sounds like he needs a better wife
When it's at the expense of his wife's feelings and wishes, then yeah, it is immature.
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:29 PM
 
10,464 posts, read 7,517,412 times
Reputation: 15515
I wouldn't consider it abuse as much as I would consider it self-centered, selfish, unaware, immature, etc..

A man who can't separate his family (mom, dad, etc.) from his romantic relationship will always have trouble in relationships. There has to be some differentiation, and if there is not, you're fighting a losing battle.
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:33 PM
 
Location: tampa bay
4,624 posts, read 2,857,559 times
Reputation: 5790
Tell him before you even think about having a child with him he has to get help for his anger management issues. As far as the father-in-law,take him at his word that he was drunk and move on.Your sister-in-law is a b!@#$,ignore her,I think you are overly sensitive about many of the things regarding your husband.If you have reservations about having a child don't have one...kids are hard enough to raise when they're really wanted!!
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:38 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 14,474,354 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
When it's at the expense of his wife's feelings and wishes, then yeah, it is immature.
It's the father's fault. So the husband stands up to Dad and confesses to his wife. He apologizes.

Wife misleads him about the baby, which is very important for most men with a penis.

He got into the wrong woman. The only flaw I see in him is his anger tantrums. Otherwise, he sounds like a normal family man.

Missus OP can file for divorce. She can compete with 20-somethings on 10 online dating sites, age into her 40s, and settle for a 75 year old guy As they always say, old guys are ripe and mature. And their parents would already be dead. And the baby will definitely be out of the question with a man who can't get it up most times of the year. Should be quite the catch.
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:40 PM
 
2,114 posts, read 1,273,712 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka View Post
Ah, how immature of the man to want a baby and confide in his family.

Sounds like he needs a better wife
Did you not read the multiple descriptions about his outbursts and tantrums?

OP, I think your husband is emotionally unstable and I would be hesitant to have a child if your husband has little control over his temper tantrums. What if the baby is constantly crying or makes a mess?
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:49 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 14,474,354 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cindy_Jole View Post
Did you not read the multiple descriptions about his outbursts and tantrums?

OP, I think your husband is emotionally unstable and I would be hesitant to have a child if your husband has little control over his temper tantrums. What if the baby is constantly crying or makes a mess?
She should be concerned only about the tantrums.

But she clearly feels alienated from his family. And she can't give him a child. These two are critical and she should not be living with him, actually. I'd advise her to move on.
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