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Old 08-24-2011, 10:57 PM
 
47,586 posts, read 34,599,452 times
Reputation: 21543
Quote:
Originally Posted by UnlikelyRoseswill View Post
I don't want to have the abortion and I am against it but I can't keep it.
You do not have to kill your baby over this. You can get out, someone here is even finding you places to go. You can stand up for yourself and for your little one, get the help you need, a safe shelter.

Weakness and fear is how the abuser holds you hostage. In fact your baby is the number one reason you should make a stand now against the abuse and do something for yourself.
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Old 08-24-2011, 11:27 PM
 
1,846 posts, read 1,449,004 times
Reputation: 2448
Quote:
Originally Posted by UnlikelyRoses View Post
@Theophane

I've looked online for some women shalters... none of have a place for now.
I've also just started working so don't have a lot of money for gas and things.

@Joy333, tell me something I don't know.
First of, I am planing on aborting this pregnancy, but I don't have the money to do it, how? Where?

The first guy I've known for 5 years and been with him 3, wouldn't you think you'd know him enough?
With this one, he swore on his neices life that he'd never hurt me, plus he mentioned that he loves kids, so it would be crazy not to believe. Besides, I loved him and just wanted to try it out.
On top of all of that I've used the plan B for protection.

When you are in a sitaution where you dont see an out and someone tells you things he tells me, believe me, in that moment you'd think the same thing. You may not have to do it, but you'd think of douing it.

@STT Resident - abortion is in question, have a few dr appts Thursday.

@Professor Griff - I can't take anytime off I just started three weeks ago. Yes its his child.


Thank you all for the comments. Please don't think that I wont do anything about it and every comment counts.
LOOK UP 211..It is a resource..it will give the name of all non profit agencies as well as hotlines ( Crisis) explain your situation and state that you are pregnant and a timeline of the abuse as well as you having no family period...

Usually emergency shelters have room or will refer you to a nearby city that does..
Shelters will also help with the legal issues such as obtaining a restraining order and so forth..counseling one on one is provided as well...
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Old 08-25-2011, 01:34 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,574 posts, read 3,947,392 times
Reputation: 6099
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
W
Go back to to the beginning of the thread for goodness' sake, and read what the majority has said.
The majority aren't always right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
Who's to say that your qualifications as a sometime casual advisor to victims of domestic violence or your fianceés role as a counsellor and a board member of a women's aid charity, makes you any more of an authority than any of us whose history and qualifications you simply don't know?
Nobody says I am right, that's why I keep pressing the OP to talk to her womens' centre, but experience in the field (not just mine, DV has existed since the dawn of time) has revealed tried and tested methods, which have helped thousands of victims across the world, and will continue to do so. None of these are failsafe, and none will stop the true psychos of the world. Giving advice is not a science, and it's impossible to be right 100% of the time.

Also your assumption that our qualifications are "casual" is arrogant to say the least. However, this is not a contest into who is the most qualified to help, I am not here to write a cv !
Safe to say that she is at director level. You don't normally reach that level without significant experience.



Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
He did indeed make some good points which others had also made but with all due respect he lost me when he started yelling and metaphorically pounding the pulpit.
It doesn't matter if I lost you, I'm not trying to reach you.



As for me being rude, I've been assertive,
I've maintained my view, I've made my point, and I've defended it against people wo have the very best intentions at heart, but who I felt were giving incorrect advice, based on my experience.
If you think that's rude, then frankly, I don't care.
Sometimes you have to tread on toes to make your point.

If even one single thing I said sticks with the OP and results in her getting help that she needs, then I have achieved my goal.
I hope that others are out there, suffering in silence, who can read such threads, and can take enough ideas from them to begin to form their plans.

If you think I'm rude, check out the person who called me an "ass clown"

Some folks shouldn't be allowed out on their own.

As I said to Loves mountains earlier in the thread, this is a subject I care passionately about, and it is a subject which, as a whole, people just don't understand.
If you don't understand, then you can't help, but you can do damage.

As a parable, imagine you're the first on the scene at a motorcycle accident.
The rider is lying, barely conscious, complaining of being short of breath.
You've read a first aid book, you've watched "world's greatest paramedic" on TV, so you think "I'll take his helmet off and help him breather".

Click.

The vertebrae in his neck moves that vital fraction of an inch, and paralyzes him for life.With the best of intentions, you tried to help.........
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Old 08-25-2011, 01:56 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,574 posts, read 3,947,392 times
Reputation: 6099
I reference this post from the "supporting someone in an abusive relationship" thread.

Note how the victim goes back to the abuser repeatedly, and that is despite being set up in a safe house, and with support.

This is the situation I am trying to avoid with the OP.

You can never underestimate the power an abuser has over their victim. Somehow they manage to get into every corner of your mind, and they manipulate you into believing that you can't function without them.


Personally, it took me nearly 5 years of "on and off" to finally leave my abuser, but it didn't end when I left, the hold continues, and diminishes with time. Ask me on my deathbed if the effects ever leave, at the moment, I don't believe they do.
Even still, despite having somewhere to go, I got out with not much more than the clothes I stood up in. I lost photos, clothes, personal belongings, family heirlooms, everything.
Neighbours told me she had a huge bonfire just a few days after I left.

My fiancee took slightly longer to leave her abuser, but if a scale existed, her experience was worse than mine. She'd been systematically beaten, raped, and humiliated over years.
It's impossible to just walk away from that.

You can't just put down your cigarettes and stop smoking, you have to do it when the time is right.
Many of the mental processes of being an abuse victim are similar to addiction. In a way, you are addicted to the abuser, the "highs" in the odd periods when they are being nice are extremely difficult to replicate in a normal relationship.

Yes, the moment you finally leave could be a spur of the moment thing, but you must have a plan in place, you must also have a support network, otherwise, there's a high chance you will fail.

It really isn't as easy as "just get out". Not in the real world.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dr74 View Post
This can be very hard to do because of the nature of the relationship ( Very close to you).
I have been there trust me...for 2 years...I moved out a friend due to DV and then moved her into a new condo with the exception that the guy would not know where she lived or got the gate code...

He is very abusive in all aspects, physical ( 2 incidents) and very emotionally abusive...
Thing is she is co-dependant as well..and it worked for awhile...she was talking to other guys and then bam...her hours got cut at work and she found herself having a hard time paying her rent and bills....
Instead of going to work for another CO. which is easy since her profession is in demand she asked him for help? Then lets him in her place? And they are trying to make things work?

The above mentioned has occured more times than I care to count and each time I will get a text 2 weeks later stating that they had a huge blow out..he has called every name in the book, threatened her, stalked her at her job, threatned to break in...
She is looking over her shoulder wherever she goes, she avoids some places because she feels he might be there?
yet she will go back to him whenever she needs money or something goes awry with some guy she has been dating..

I am very supportive of her and always has been I have brought the paperwork for a restraining order, I HAVE suggested she move, I have pleaded with her not to see him, I have connected her with county agencies to help with her utilities...
What finally broke the camels back was when he broke into her apt while she was sleeping and she refused to call the police and told me it is what it is...
from then on out I have stopped her from complaining to me and will tell her "You know what you need to do"

Last edited by bobman; 08-25-2011 at 02:06 AM..
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Old 08-25-2011, 04:39 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
21,780 posts, read 25,464,785 times
Reputation: 22426
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post
The majority aren't always right..
You missed the point entirely, which was that the majority who initially posted said exactly what you subsequently said when you decided to join the thread...
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Old 08-25-2011, 05:51 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,574 posts, read 3,947,392 times
Reputation: 6099
No, they did not say exactly what I said.

Most said "get out now". That's not what I said.
Some said "call the police". That's not what I said.
Agreed, many said she needed help. That is what I said.

Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
You missed the point entirely, which was that the majority who initially posted said exactly what you subsequently said when you decided to join the thread...
I corrected some points, then gave reasons why I thought they were not 100% right, and could even be counter productive. Then I was leapt on, because folks simply don't understand.
On the outside looking in, it's always so much easier !

Problem is with a thread like this, you don't have to be assertive and explain things to the victim, but rather to the mass uninformed, who appear to refuse to listen to anything other than their opinion and instincts.
Which are not always right.

When somebody asks for help, they need clear advice, not a bunch of conflicting opinions, which only confuse them more, and add to their confusion and guilt.

To all the folks who doubt my advice, or who would like to know more, then I urge you to take a few minutes to read these links.
Particularly the OP if she's still there, or anyone who thinks they may be in a similar situation who may be reading this thread.
Also anyone who knows anyone who is suffering any kind of abuse.

The first one is particularly helpful, it gives tips on how to manage the situation while you are still with your abuser, and haven't been able to leave.
Note the first line.
"There is no guarantee that if you follow all, or some, of these strategies that you will be safe; however, implementing these strategies could help to improve your safety situation."

Also, "Separation violence: Often after the relationship has ended violence may continue, this can be a very dangerous time for the victim because the perpetrator may perceive a loss of control over the victim and may become more unpredictable. During and after seperation is often a time when violence will escalate leaving the victim more unsafe than previously. "

SAFETY STRATEGIES FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIMS

Domestic Violence Prevention Centre Gold Coast


To quote a particular segment from the last one, for foks who won't read it.
"Some people think it should be easy for a woman to leave a relationship where domestic violence is happening, that she should just get up and go. The truth is it is much harder to leave an abusive relationship than a non-abusive one. Many women do leave or try to leave, but it can be a difficult and lonely process. For some women, especially immigrant women or women from indigenous backgrounds, leaving is not an easy option because they risk being excluded from their support networks, the very group that gives them their place to stand in their family or community. On average most women will leave between five and seven times before they are able to leave permanently, each time becoming stronger and more confident. It is important to realise that leaving does not always mean you will become safe immediately. In fact you may be in greatest danger from your partner's abuse at the time of separation. Any attempt to leave should be planned with safety of you and your children in mind. "

I pray that many of you who scorn my advice, and will not listen, are never in the situation where you ever would need to use it.You would be in for a rude awakening. But only then would you truly understand.
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Old 08-25-2011, 07:26 AM
 
Location: Maryland
2,654 posts, read 2,633,763 times
Reputation: 2267
We women always think we can save a loser or bum. He had to show some signs into his behavior. Now, you're with child and don't wanna leave the father.

It'll get worse, when the kid is born.

You can't save him.

I was engaged and he showed all his signs after he gave the ring. He was a very sweet man. After the ring, he became very controlling. My clothes, hair, birth control, children, everything. I called off the engagement.

Not going to tell you to leave this loser. You'll know when you're tired of him and his behavior.

Good Luck!

Last edited by Childfree35; 08-25-2011 at 07:34 AM..
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Old 08-25-2011, 07:26 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
21,780 posts, read 25,464,785 times
Reputation: 22426
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post
No, they did not say exactly what I said.

Most said "get out now". That's not what I said.
Some said "call the police". That's not what I said.
Agreed, many said she needed help. That is what I said.

I pray that many of you who scorn my advice, and will not listen, are never in the situation where you ever would need to use it.You would be in for a rude awakening. But only then would you truly understand.
What you said was, "unless you are in immediate danger, don't leave without a plan" but maybe you didn't read in her first post that he's already pushed her around twice since she became pregnant and that he keeps a gun in the home with which he has threatened her. If that doesn't fall under the umbrella of "immediate danger" then I don't know what does.

You are way too emotional on this score. It's good to be passionate about a cause but nobody has thus far scorned your advice and don't assume that posters who've responded with good advice haven't been in a similar situation and know not what they're talking about. Not all post out of ignorance but many of us give advice based on our own experiences, the details of which we just don't divulge on forums.
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Old 08-25-2011, 07:50 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,574 posts, read 3,947,392 times
Reputation: 6099
If you were to call the police and say that your husband had a gun in the house, and said he was going to use it, would the charges stick ?
Would he be arrested ?

Unlikely.

If you call the police and tell them your husband has pulled a gun on you, or has shot at you, then they'd be there in seconds.

That's the difference.

Actually pulling a gun with the intent to use it constitutes immediate danger.
Yes, I appreciate he's pushed her around, and assaulted her, however, in some cases, you can be in more danger if you attempt to leave.
There are scales of danger,

I accept that not everyone has shared their stories, however, many of the posts on here fly directly in the face of conventional strategies on dv.
What was a huge help to one person, may be the complete opposite to another.

The OP has been told to "put on her big girl panties".
Yes, I could see how that'll help her.

She was also told "Do you want your children to endure what you grew up with? That's not fair to them at all. Sometimes no father is better then having a father. YOU are no mother if you stay with this man. "

Yup, that's pretty supportive, rght there.
That's not going to make her feel guilty at all !!


She's been told to have an abortion.
Again, not helpful. Short term solution, but long term effects.
She needs to address her mental health first, she may not be in a good state to make such a decision.

She was also told "she has stuffed up not just him"

Yup, she's had a lot of good advice, I'm sure she feels much better now.


Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
What you said was, "unless you are in immediate danger, don't leave without a plan" but maybe you didn't read in her first post that he's already pushed her around twice since she became pregnant and that he keeps a gun in the home with which he has threatened her. If that doesn't fall under the umbrella of "immediate danger" then I don't know what does.

You are way too emotional on this score. It's good to be passionate about a cause but nobody has thus far scorned your advice and don't assume that posters who've responded with good advice haven't been in a similar situation and know not what they're talking about. Not all post out of ignorance but many of us give advice based on our own experiences, the details of which we just don't divulge on forums.
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Old 08-25-2011, 08:34 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
21,780 posts, read 25,464,785 times
Reputation: 22426
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post
If you were to call the police and say that your husband had a gun in the house, and said he was going to use it, would the charges stick ?
Would he be arrested ?
Unlikely.

A police report will be filed and, even if he's not arrested, a report will be on record. When that happens (at least in my area which is pretty Third World compared to stateside) you need to get the reporting number from the officer who files the complaint and, within a few days, go to the local courthouse and obtain a copy of the complaint which costs about $5.

Police officers called out on DV issues will advocate that the person against whom the complaint has been filed leave the premises at least overnight. In the meantime, DV advocates can be called to determine if the threats are life-threatening and move the complainant to safe shelter.


I accept that not everyone has shared their stories, however, many of the posts on here fly directly in the face of conventional strategies on dv.
What was a huge help to one person, may be the complete opposite to another.

So ignore those, as the OP can do.

The OP has been told to "put on her big girl panties".
Yes, I could see how that'll help her.

So ignore.

She was also told "Do you want your children to endure what you grew up with? That's not fair to them at all. Sometimes no father is better then having a father. YOU are no mother if you stay with this man. "
Yup, that's pretty supportive, rght there.
That's not going to make her feel guilty at all !!

So ignore.

She's been told to have an abortion.

No, she hasn't been TOLD to have an abortion, it was a suggestion made in all good faith.

'm sure she feels much better now.
Hopefully she has at least gained a perspective which will enable her to continue on a forward path and it seems from her responses thus far that she's perfectly capable of assimilating information without you throwing out all these heavy-handed confrontational issues.
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