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Ok, I have to pipe up on the "kids coming first" as a given. I personally adopt a view that when I am in a committed, long term relationship with kids, it will be my relationship that comes first. I think that is why so many relationships fail; we adopt this self-sacrificing persona that everything we do, all the energy we have, all the resources we create, must go towards our children and whatever is left, goes to your spouse. I don't want my spouse to treat me like an afterthought, and if I loved them enough to settle into a relationship and have kids with them, I want to continue to cultivate that spark we had and maintain it. One day, those kids will leave, and if the spouse is still around, I want to be able to feel comfortable being alone with just them.
I have even written that on my profile. I even wrote that because this isn't a common view that I wouldn't deal well with someone who already has children, but that does not stop single fathers from sending me messages.
Thank you for saying this! I agree 100%. People seem to think if they put their spouse first and cultivate that relationship, somehow the kids will suffer. I say put the spouse first and the kids a close 2nd, and your close relationship will help you show a better example to them.
Of course we put kids first for an emergency, but most of the time there aren't emergencies.
Thank you for saying this! I agree 100%. People seem to think if they put their spouse first and cultivate that relationship, somehow the kids will suffer. I say put the spouse first and the kids a close 2nd, and your close relationship will help you show a better example to them.
Of course we put kids first for an emergency, but most of the time there aren't emergencies.
Exactly! Your kids will see a healthy, strong, devoted, and loving relationship and know what they can expect for themselves. Generation after generation, we see tired co-parents living together for the sake of the children, and not loving spouses enjoying their life together and rearing the children sprung from that love.
Well the poor lady with the side notes sounded awfully tired and the guys can really wear a poor girl out with their nonsense. Even women my age get stupid stuff like a 27 yo from two states over popping in with an IM wanting to know my bra size. I mean, really? And then you get a bunch of those and hardly anyone who is seriously wanting to date, so I dropped my account because of it. BTW, I didn't post any warnings of what I'm not willing to date so I have no idea if it would have made a difference or not.
I'll say this to the nice guys though--you truly have no idea how idiotic some men can be with us b/c you don't act that way--you may have caught brief glimpses of it from your buds in high school but some, no many, guys never grow up. All you see is the result--a lot of burned out and suspicious women and you think we're just being biotchy, when really we've been put on the defensive.
i understand that but every guy deserves a fair chance instead of being grouped in with all the other men online. I hate this kind of jokes from a woman online
"are you sure you are not a killer?
Once she said that I moved on, don't have time for that foolishness
haha this thread has been very entertaining, I wish CD didn't have this ridiculous rep system because a few folks here would have received multiple reps.
All of those women are delusional. skip online dating, get out in places where you can meet (attractive) people with a hold on reality.
On the one hand, it's good that they are communicating their boundaries and their deal breakers. But the down side is that they come across as angry, bitter, suspicious and negative. That's not attractive. And it doesn't work anyway. Most people are so delusional and in denial that they wouldn't admit to being a liar, cheat, alcoholic, druggie, etc. They think their behavior is someone else's fault and if they find a better mate, then their problems will go away. "If my wife was a better wife, I wouldn't have cheated on her six times". "I only drink to blow off steam because I have my job. If I had a better job, I wouldn't drink", etc.
It's better to learn to be a good judge of character and hold back and not jump into things. It's not easy.
On the one hand, it's good that they are communicating their boundaries and their deal breakers. But the down side is that they come across as angry, bitter, suspicious and negative. That's not attractive. And it doesn't work anyway. Most people are so delusional and in denial that they wouldn't admit to being a liar, cheat, alcoholic, druggie, etc. They think their behavior is someone else's fault and if they find a better mate, then their problems will go away. "If my wife was a better wife, I wouldn't have cheated on her six times". "I only drink to blow off steam because I have my job. If I had a better job, I wouldn't drink", etc.
It's better to learn to be a good judge of character and hold back and not jump into things. It's not easy.
"I have a good life and am independent. One child who is (15) yrs. old, honor student and has a wonderful father in his life. We share 50-50. Anyone in my life would be a part of my son's life too and therefore needs to be an excellent role model".
so... i've been checking out this site called OKCupid, yeah, I know it's been around for a long time but I never looked into it until the past month.
Anyways, I was emailing this girl about 2 or 3 times when she says she noticed that I was online too often (the site displays the last online date/time) and would prefer to date one person at a time I haven't even met this person so I wouldn't call it dating just yet.
So do people now expect exclusivity from the first email message you send them? That is quite ridiculous! I thought on a site like this it is an expectation that one is in communication with many different women.
Exclusivity? No
But no one wants to date the personal site troll.
I met a guy at the supermarket and we started talking/dating whatever. So I asked him if he was addicted to facebook once since he had mentioned it a few times ie asking to add me.... etc etc this led to a question of if he was on any personal sites. He was and gave me his screen name. I subscribe to the same site so I checked to see his pics... well anytime I would get on the site there he would be... and very deep in the page list... ie online for a while.
In all fairness to the OP: I agree that stating the obvious and listing dealbreakers is a turnoff and is typically received negatively by men, even those who are not considered dealbreakers by the profile's listed criteria. This is human nature, we are attracted to positivity.
Sure, if you're having trouble finding someone and you've attracted numerous guys that happen to be seeking something that doesn't fit your idea of a relationship, then women have every right to state that.
But coming from a guy who has had positive and negative experiences for years in online dating....seeing the too honest deal breakers is just plain too negative for me and I just don't feel like applying. Why would I? You've obviously shown you have a bad attitude about the online dating (possibly with good reason) but you haven't met me and I already feel like I'm down a few points and would have to "earn" my way back to even with you. I know it's easy to generalize and let bad experiences bitter us, but the key is to keep an open mind and treat each person with a fresh start.
I think most people struggle with online dating. Good men have a hard time getting a response rate to keep them interested and they often get frustrated, and tend to LOWER their standards because they start to think they can't do any better and will take what they can get.
I think women are bombarded by so many emails that they tend to focus on the negative guys who throw out rude one-liners and only are looking for sex, yet they aren't entertained enough by guys who write sincere emails and pass them up. Or they go on a couple dates with guys they thought to be good candidates only to find something incompatible or are freaked out in some way or another. These negative experiences can sometimes bitter women and they tend to INCREASE their standards to try and filter out men in an attempt to protect themselves from another bad experience. In my opinion: they're only hurting themselves by shrinking their criteria, but I understand the justification.
This is why it's just too hard for me to take online dating seriously anymore. I've been approaching it lately with a mix of one-liners and a twist of humor/sarcasm that fits my personality. So far I'm seeing much better response rate and a lot less effort needed on my part. I've been through enough disappointments and flakes to where I don't get excited about it anymore. If I feel like throwing out some emails or texting/calling/dating a girl then I'll go with it, but any extra effort that is to be demanded from me is surely going to be absent in this process.
I've put myself out there enough times and I've been burned. Most of the women on these sites aren't worth any extra work or effort. I'll proposition and entertain possible opportunities to meet women through the site, but the days of trying to impress, go the extra length, or go out of my way to inconvenience myself for any of these dates is something that is long over with.
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online dating protocol
I haven't even met this person so I wouldn't call it dating just yet.
