First fight :( (guys, family, friend, couple)

[johna01374]

Originally Posted by PurpleTulip18

So I should just not tell my bf that I talk to a friend? I refuse to make a 'choice' between the two. They're both important and with the last few comments on here, I can understand why he would feel upset. I sent him a message that I'd like to talk more when I get off work and we're going to meet up.

I think it is a bit strange that, men do not trust a girlfriends male friends -- it's fine.
A woman who does not trust a boyfriends girl friends -- she's a psycho crazy biatch.

Urgh, these little games are too much.

No..... Not telling him is the same as lying....

No one is asking you to choose between the two guys. The answer is to NOT discuss your relationship with this other guy. It's non of his business so leave hit out of it...

[Mikala43]

The only thing I think I would concede in this situation, was not to discuss with me friend anything that my BF didn't want me too. If it made him uncomfortable it would be easy to alleviate if that was all. I would offer him a lot of reassurance in this area.

Now, if he didn't want me to talk to my friend anymore in general - that wouldn't fly.

[Yzette]

Originally Posted by PurpleTulip18

So I should just not tell my bf that I talk to a friend? I refuse to make a 'choice' between the two. They're both important and with the last few comments on here, I can understand why he would feel upset. I sent him a message that I'd like to talk more when I get off work and we're going to meet up.

I think it is a bit strange that, men do not trust a girlfriends male friends -- it's fine.
A woman who does not trust a boyfriends girl friends -- she's a psycho crazy biatch.

Urgh, these little games are too much.

Put it to you this way: Now that he knows that you do talk to your friend, there is no need to bring it up again. Doing so will only seem like you are provoking an argument.

Let it lie for a while. Let your boyfriend get used to the idea that you are not going to let him dictate your friendships with other people. He may realize how childish he's being. He may even realize that loyalty to old friends is generally a good trait that indicates your capacity to be loyal to all the people you love, including him.

If he doesn't, and he insists that a married friend 1,000 miles away whom you've known exponentially longer than you've known him is some kind of a threat to him, then honestly, I'd dump him. I can promise you that if you let him coerce, nag, manipulate, or cajole you into breaking bonds that are 15 years old, he's going to get it into his head that he can coerce, nag, manipulate, or cajole you into making greater sacrifices just to make himself feel more secure.

And that, Purple, is the mark of an ahole.

[Yzette]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

The only thing I think I would concede in this situation, was not to discuss with me friend anything that my BF didn't want me too. If it made him uncomfortable it would be easy to alleviate if that was all. I would offer him a lot of reassurance in this area.

Now, if he didn't want me to talk to my friend anymore in general - that wouldn't fly.

Meh. That leaves the door open for the boyfriend to say, "Don't talk to him about anything."

Which, I suppose would reveal the boyfriend to be a royal jerk. But still.

Honestly, this is the kind of thing that only time will handle. I didn't particularly groove on a couple of my SO's female friends in the early stages of my relationship with him. Call it fear of the unknown--not knowing who they are, what their situations are, and what his relationships with them were about. Thing is, if I'm curious about someone, I'm going to ask, "Who's that?" It's the roving reporter in me.

And then one day the dumkopf said, "Oh, she's in the car club. That chick used to be in LOVE with me."

"So, she's an ex?"

"NO! Ugh. No. Nice girl but just, no."

So was the whole "in LOVE with me" comment necessary? No. That is what I mean by provoking.

Now? Pshaw. If by some odd twist of fate, at this late stage five years into the relationship, we split up and he goes out with her, all I can say is, "Wait until the first time he eats chili near you, honey."

[crabman1]

I'm not quite sure how you make the leap that he is dictating friendships Yzette? I think most people recognize and feel some portions of their relationship with another as being held in confidence. Not wanting that confidence and trust betrayed is a natural human desire and not one that makes someone a nag and so on. The thing is the OP says she has not shared intimate details but what that means to her could be very different from what it means to me, you, or the population in general. I feel like you are rushing to a judgment here where in fact it could turn out that she has been telling him details that most people would not have wanted shared. Is he still a controlling nag then or does he have a legitimate gripe?

Another thought I have is why does it have to be one or the other. If one of my longtime friends told me that they were now in a committed relationship with another and felt like it was inappropriate to share some details of that relationship because it made their SO uncomfortable I would have no problem with it. It changes our friendship in no way. Exactly how good a friend would I be if my friend could only fall in love with people who were willing to agree that I come first? Does that seem right to you?

[thereandbacktwotimes]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

For an exclusive relationship to grow in intimacy there need to be boundries that each partner agrees to stay within.

The boundries will be different for each couple.

But in general, once you are in a committed relationship you owe your loyality to your partner.

Not that you have to give up your friends, you don't and shouldn't.

But your friends cannot be a part of your relationship.

In addition, you have made your friend seem AS IMPORTANT to you as your boyfriend is and he is feeling let down and frustrated by that.

The fact that you don't get this means you may not be ready for a real long term committment.

This is very accurate.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by thereandbacktwotimes

This is very accurate.

Thanks, I try

[Mikala43]

I don't think it is dictating friendships, that I wouldn't allow (always exceptions), but I think that he can dictate that his relationship with her not be a part of the conversation. I guess because I'm a private person, I understand that.

Anyway, if she is discussing anything negative, that's generally inappropriate. Anything like that she should be discussing with her BF.

[Three Wolves In Snow]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

I don't think it is dictating friendships, that I wouldn't allow (always exceptions), but I think that he can dictate that his relationship with her not be a part of the conversation. I guess because I'm a private person, I understand that.

Anyway, if she is discussing anything negative, that's generally inappropriate. Anything like that she should be discussing with her BF.

Right there. Totally agree.

[Yzette]

Originally Posted by crabman1

I'm not quite sure how you make the leap that he is dictating friendships Yzette? I think most people recognize and feel some portions of their relationship with another as being held in confidence. Not wanting that confidence and trust betrayed is a natural human desire and not one that makes someone a nag and so on. The thing is the OP says she has not shared intimate details but what that means to her could be very different from what it means to me, you, or the population in general. I feel like you are rushing to a judgment here where in fact it could turn out that she has been telling him details that most people would not have wanted shared. Is he still a controlling nag then or does he have a legitimate gripe?

I think you need to take her comments at face value. Intimate details are exactly that, intimate details--she is not talking to her friend about sex, her feelings about her boyfriend, or the intimate things her boyfriend does with her. She has said several times on this thread that she talks about day-to-day stuff. That sounds like she talks about lunch, the idiots on the highway, TV, her job, a new club she went to.

Sorry, but if her boyfriend has problems with her chit-chatting about what she ate for lunch with a man who, again, lives 1,000 miles away, is married, and she has known for 15 years, her boyfriend is an insecure tool.

I think folks are forgetting the length of this friendship and putting Mr. Eight Months up on a throne here. Eight months is nothing compared to 15 years. It's not even a full change of seasons or set of holidays. I would NEVER distance a 15-year-friendship for a guy I've only known for 8 months. When they've weathered some real storms together and he has shown that he will stand by her when the going gets tough (job loss, illness or injury, death of a family member), just like her long-term friends most likely already have, then he has proven himself worthy of coming first in her life, not before. He has to prove that he is on her friends' level, and that he will be just as loyal to her as her buddies are, not the other way around. After all, he calls himself her boyFRIEND doesn't he?

That's the way I see it, at least.

ETA one more thing: He also needs to remember that her friends were there for her through any previous relationships she may have had, including the break-ups. They saw all her other boyfriends come and go, yet they are still there, part of her life. He needs to take a clue from that.