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seriously, i thought about this thread the other day and what padlock lover said or whatever his name is and i'm convinced he doesn't know what he's talking about.
i'm still convinced looking at my father's recent behavior and even now, i'm supposed to head over to new york right now and he wants me to go to the store which is just a block away to buy him some coconut milk that he's going to use for dinner. i'm not dressed up yet, don't plan on going out just yet and he's pushing me to go to the store for him right now. the messed up thing is he's already dressed up, busy sitting down watching a football game acting like he can't go outthere and get it himself. all of a sudden, he suddenly has an interest in me and it's only to get his ass something. i feel like i'm being used right now.
i also noticed how the other day, he was ready to belittle my older brother's cooking skills saying that he didn't even make the food right and he didn't even eat it. same thing he does with my mother. he lied talking about his stomach hurting so he couldn't eat what my brother made. he has a thing where he has to put down people around him that are doing their thing trying to make them feel unconfident about themselves like what he did with my driving the other day like an *******. yet his ass wants everybody to go along with what he wants. it's all bad if someone else is cooking, if someone else is driving him to somewhere even if it's their car, (he doesn't own any car. he drives other people's cars. he doesn't like to take care of responsibility at all. he'll brush it off on someone else) making the dinner, having a good time with their lives, he has a problem.
and the man is telling me that's what a narcissist does. i doubt a narcissist actually uses people around them to that extent and tries to control their lives like pawns on a chessboard.
They come in a variety of shades and flavors...being sociopathy can be environmentally "enhanced" during the developmental stages of childhood. My own life experiences include parental figures, relatives, siblings, opposite sex relationships, co-workers and friends.
Seems the differences between sociopathy and narcissism are negligable; excepting the narcissist is a heck of a lot more "up front" and direct about what they're after. Generally speaking the narcissist seem to make one heck of a lot more "sense."
Sociopathy seems to be more "object" or "goal" oriented. Almost everything's a "game." They're incapable of the types of human intimacy the majority of us take forgranted. Where the narcissist seems to be capable of having "huge" feelings; well at least for themselves.
Their emotional development in most cases seems to have haulted at around the age of five. Most of them have odd temper tantrums or "rages" that can quickly shift to placid. There are often odd gaps in what they recall; and not long after a dispute many of them seem to easily pick up as if no conflict had occurred at all.
In the less vs. highly functional ones; seems there's also a lot of "projection." Where they'll describe or attribute things to another individual when they're really talking about themselves. Like your older brother's cooking skills, they seem to "put down" in others the things they envy in others and want for themselves? i.e. good cooking skills
My best advice is to "compartmentalize" the relationship. View the individual and respond to them as one would a five year old child. Set internal emotional boundaries, gosh knows they're incapable of bonding so...they're easier to deal with if one places themself on an equal footing. vs. responding to them as if they're a fully functional adult. WHICH THEY ARE NOT, AND NEVER CAN OR WILL BE.
I don't personally choose to avoid them. However, I may or may not choose to give one the time of day. If a person is having difficulty maintaining their own "power" when encountering a sociopath...suggest either staying the hell away. Or embracing the opportunity to "practice"
Being the experience will make one stronger and more balanced; able to attract healthier relationships into their own life in working through the learning possibilities.
seriously, i thought about this thread the other day and what padlock lover said or whatever his name is and i'm convinced he doesn't know what he's talking about.
i'm still convinced looking at my father's recent behavior and even now, i'm supposed to head over to new york right now and he wants me to go to the store which is just a block away to buy him some coconut milk that he's going to use for dinner. i'm not dressed up yet, don't plan on going out just yet and he's pushing me to go to the store for him right now. the messed up thing is he's already dressed up, busy sitting down watching a football game acting like he can't go outthere and get it himself. all of a sudden, he suddenly has an interest in me and it's only to get his ass something. i feel like i'm being used right now.
i also noticed how the other day, he was ready to belittle my older brother's cooking skills saying that he didn't even make the food right and he didn't even eat it. same thing he does with my mother. he lied talking about his stomach hurting so he couldn't eat what my brother made. he has a thing where he has to put down people around him that are doing their thing trying to make them feel unconfident about themselves like what he did with my driving the other day like an *******. yet his ass wants everybody to go along with what he wants. it's all bad if someone else is cooking, if someone else is driving him to somewhere even if it's their car, (he doesn't own any car. he drives other people's cars. he doesn't like to take care of responsibility at all. he'll brush it off on someone else) making the dinner, having a good time with their lives, he has a problem.
and the man is telling me that's what a narcissist does. i doubt a narcissist actually uses people around them to that extent and tries to control their lives like pawns on a chessboard.
Why not just ignore your dad and make him fend for himself? Is he bringing home some big income that the whole family needs? He will not get better as he ages, you know. You're not doing him any favors by catering to him.
This brings back memories. I worked a few months for a restaurant owner who was a brilliant man in some ways, but a Jekyll & Hyde as well. He could charm anyone into anything or out of anything. May give you the shirt off his back but steal your pants while doing it. When he was happy with you, you could do no wrong. Any problem was someone else's fault. Later that day it WAS your fault. You did this or didn't do that, etc. He had shouting matches with employees out on the floor. His wife came in and helped nights, after working her job (she kept the family together). He often abused & humiliated her for some imagined slight.
He owed money to lots of employees and creditors. Was a genius on stringing them along. He also came between boyfriends/girlfriends that both worked there, came between other friends. A good friend of mine worked there that had been like a brother to me. He found creepy ways to get us angry at each other & him look innocent all the while. The friendship never really recovered. We talked some later on & both realized we had been manipulated. We made peace but the bond was gone.
I suggest you find a way to get you & your family as far away from your father as possible. That kind of abuser either cannot or will not change. It's like they are programmed that way & the thrill of their drama is too intoxicating. Figure out a way to move in the night or while he is away a few days, etc. Move at least several states away. The next town will not do. Move somewhere the family has no history or never talked about going to.
You cannot change your father, sorry to say. He will drain all of you until you are mental cases too. Distance is the only way for you to start healing and living a normal life. DO NOT leave information with anyone. He will talk to everyone in town and get the info. He controls others same as he has controlled you. If you need to stay in touch with anyone, get a cell phone and block the number from caller ID. Use it to call and speak with person. Again,tell nothing about where you are, just that you are all OK. Don't tell whether you are together or separate. If possible, come up with some cover story about where you came from. Even check with attorney about changing your names. Sounds extreme but if your father is violent, he will search every data base on the web looking for you. Make new friends in your new town, find work, find a new life & start healing.
I knew a couple with an abusive mother/MIL, not as public as person above, but still a miserable old woman
who loved spreading the misery around. I saw this couple get worn down by her until they had no joy in life. They should have moved the day they got married. Announce a honeymoon, just don't tell that it's followed by a 1 way trip to somewhere.
The danger to a person or family is that if they are with the abuser too long, it begins to seem like normal life because they don't know anything else. It's important to be around normal people who aren't creating problems all the time.
I'd seriously question any mom or dad who claimed that the other one caused all of their relationship problems. Perhaps mom is missing her marbles too. You decide. Or better yet, let them work it out. Not your problem, nor your job to take sides... "and stuff".
Usually true but in the case of an abuser, the normal rules of thumb mean nothing. I've known a few of these kinds of people. They are masters at setting people up to knock them down again. A guy like this could punch you in the mouth, injure his hand and blame you for it. Worse yet, he could get the world to believe it too. He can single handedly turn a family of normal people into basket cases. His greatest advantage is everyone knows "no one would do something like that".
i'm kind of unsure if i want to talk about this personally but looking at my parents marriage and relationship, i seriously believe my father has antisocial personality disorder or some degree of it.
from what my mom has told me and from what i've seen my father do etc, he exhibits most of or if not all the signs of sociopathy. he knows how to be charming, he knows how to get you on his side to the point where you're vunerable, then without warning he'll take advantage of you and yours. he is also very controlling, manipulative, lies a lot, and all the other signs.
one thing that i can say about him is he put my mom through a lot of ship and he took advantage of her weaknesses and used it for his gain. according to him, he justifies his screwed up ness by painting himself as some figure that takes care of everything and that my mom, who is the breadwinner and actually does everything while he sits back and is unable to handle his responsibilities, is the one that is ruining his life. being that i'm his own son, he tells me this and i know this is another one of his sociopathic tactics at work. the sociopath will try to blame everyone for what they intentionally do and will even throw their loved ones under the bus if they have to. i've witness this first hand.
if there's anything to learn from this and something that my mom told me and i'm going to tell you this, know the person that you're dealing with like the back of your hand and if you are dealing with someone who isn't right, have people that know the person personally tell you that they're not right or something is wrong with them or you notice that something is off about the person, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM BECAUSE CHANCES ARE YOU'RE DEALING WITH SOMEONE YOU SHOULDN'T BE DEALING WITH.
my mom is pretty much in a hopeless situation right now and my father is set for life living off of her. it just hurts me to see that i can't protect my mother from my father's wrath and that the man that i have mixed feelings about my father that bother me sometimes. i love him but at the same time, i hate him. just something that i thought about writing since there's all this talk about sociopaths being in relationships and stuff.
It is possible your father is a sociopath. But it is clear there is a lot of conflict in your family and that you, as his son, are in the middle of it. I would leave the psychiatric diagnosis to people who both have the expertise and who are more removed from the situation.
it kind of does, why would he crying about his mother is not capable of emotion? this is the most important distinction, if you think that he was having a genuine emotional struggle with the death of his mother, then he cannot be a sociopath. If he was a sociopath, and he was faking the emotion, it probably would not have been as complex a reaction: why would he make his fakery any more complicated than it needed to be? It send to me he has a strong desire for control, which is why he demands to know where throne is all the time and didn't want your mother to go to maryland. This does not make him a sociopath. No doubt he is messed up though. It's hard to diagnose without input and interaction with your dad and other members of your family, as well as more information. But I'm reasonably sure he's not a sociopath.
looking back at this post and other things you said, i don't think you know what you're talking about. in fact, you don't know what you're talking about. just because you have a degree in psychology means that you know what you're doing.
my father didn't care about his biological mother when she was alive. she may have gave him away for adoption and whatever else story he said, he's also a liar that likes to make up a lot of stories so there's no telling if he's telling the truth or not, but regardless. she tried to reach out to him on her deathbed basically begging him to forgive her and basically chat it up. she would call the house everyday and he basically gave her the cold shoulder. him crying was basically him trying to get attention or trying to pay the sympathy card so we pay attention to him. how does a man cry for someone he didn't give a damn about when they were alive?
he also treated his half brother the same way too. when he was alive and well, he didn't bother to pay a visit or say a word to him. even when his brother called him and tried to say what's up to him, he paid it no mind. he treated him like he was nothing. even though his brother was screwed up, he still treated him like he was nonexistent. all of a sudden, his half brother died and all of a sudden, he's basically giving a damn basically out for himself. even when we met up with our cousins and his half brother's ex wife to meet up since we haven't seen each other in how long since there was a little issue going on, he all of a sudden starts acting like he knew the man for years. talking about him as if they were close. i'm looking at him on the chair while he's playing up this fakeness, basically lying acting like he cared about the guy like . you didn't hang around him when he was alive reaching for you but now, you're acting like you were down with him all this time. that to me seems like a man with no emotions that's faking it whenever he wants to.
plus one minute, he'll be all cool with my mother, trying to be her best friend, listen to her complain about her job and whatever. you would think they got along with each other. all of a sudden, some days later, he doesn't have the money for the mortgage or he doesn't have money to take the train or bus to work so he's basically leaning on my mom to save his ass. when she gets upset with him or asks him if he paid the money for mortgage ditching his responsibility or asking her to take care of his ass, he basically throws a hissy fit and basically says "she's messed up, she's crazy, she's a screwed up person." he'll mention how she mistreats him and make up things like she's cheating on him with another man and etc. he's even spread lies and tried to embarrass her at her job and he's tried to turn US against her by more and more lies. he'll talk a whole lot of mess about her to us, his sons, about how "she disrespects him, she's cheating on him, how she has money management issues" all because she's not bending over, kissing his ass and taking care of him like he wants to. he'll then turn around and say "i work hard. i pay the mortgage. i work everyday and i'm tired." he basically talks about himself like he's the hardest worker, at his job yet he doesn't even show up to work on time (he shows up when he wants to), he talks about how he runs his job (he's not the boss), puts down his bosses and coworkers saying whatever basically not seeing that he's at fault (it's a long story), he takes days off because he doesn't feel like working making up an excuse, and he is irresponsible with the money he makes. he spends his money around knowing that he has a mortgage to pay. he doesn't even make enough from his job to pay the mortgage. he basically drags my mother down because it ends up being her taking care of his ass.
you say he's narcissistic, you are right but he's also a sociopath. he is NOT sorry about what he's done. otherwise he would stop doing the same bs.
even now, he likes to keep the bedroom door open to basically monitor me as if he's a correctional officer and i'm an inmate. hell, even growing up with my father, he basically wasn't there as a kid despite living at home. he was busy doing whatever he felt like doing. he would rarely hang out with us. my mom would pretty much have to force him to spend time with us otherwise, he wouldn't have done it. he would steal our pocket money and lie about him not taking it. whenever my mom and him would have fall outs, he would actually use us to manipulate her to not leave him. there was one time where he really went out of line and when my mom finally had enough. his punk ass actually took my mom's tape recorder that she had for school, sat on the couch doing the whole fake and then tell us that mom was going to leave us and we'd actually cry with him. he knew that we didn't want them to get divorce being that we were children and him and us would beg her not to leave him on tape. he would then give my mom back the recording and play it for her. if that is NOT a sociopath at work, then i don't know what is, man. not even a narcissist would do something like that. who uses their kids as a means of manipulation to control their spouse?
and no, sociopaths don't know that they're sociopaths. i doubt that. just like he can't see how his actions and the way he thinks and acts is basically screwed up. even now, i don't even like to talk to him because he's a snake. even when we talk, it's all about him. he's ready to tell me what to do or how i should do something as if i'm a slave or something.
i'm actually angry with my mother for not having the courage to leave.
and yeah, i need to and still am working on getting out of here so i can stay out of this toxic environment. i'm 26 years old still living in my parents house. i'm unemployed looking for work. my mom is angry with me for quitting my job, being unemployed, not being responsible, and a whole lot of other things. i wish i could help her BUT to be honest with you, i don't think it's going to do much.
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. you didn't hang around him when he was alive reaching for you but now, you're acting like you were down with him all this time. that to me seems like a man with no emotions that's faking it whenever he wants to. 
there was one time where he really went out of line and when my mom finally had enough. his punk ass actually took my mom's tape recorder that she had for school, sat on the couch doing the whole fake 
and then tell us that mom was going to leave us and we'd actually cry with him. he knew that we didn't want them to get divorce being that we were children and him and us would beg her not to leave him on tape. he would then give my mom back the recording and play it for her. if that is NOT a sociopath at work, then i don't know what is, man. not even a narcissist would do something like that. who uses their kids as a means of manipulation to control their spouse? 
i'm unemployed looking for work. my mom is angry with me for quitting my job, being unemployed, not being responsible, and a whole lot of other things. i wish i could help her BUT to be honest with you, i don't think it's going to do much.
