Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-09-2011, 03:08 PM
 
Location: Rockwall
677 posts, read 1,535,583 times
Reputation: 1129

Advertisements

Oh....HELL NO!!!!!

If she has to have a garage sale, bake sale AND sell the good china... she needs to do it and get the best attorney she can. NOW!

The attorney needs to file an emergency injunction for full custody, support, and preventing him from coming to the home or any funny business with the assets.

Since he has been diagnosed bi-polar and is refusing meds- demand supervised visits. Untreated bi-polar disorder can become worse with stress and his stress will certainly go up if she gets the right attorney.

Also file on the mistress for alienation of affection.

He has abandoned his family for another one and doesn't get to make the decisions he's trying to make.

I understand that your friend is hurting. Send the kids for an overnight at Grandma's. If she needs to cry, scream, get drunk, whatever- get enough of the hurt out and get angry.

She has to stand up and get strong or she'll suffer and her children will suffer even more.

And she needs to be the one that tells the children. Not him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-09-2011, 04:07 PM
 
2,596 posts, read 5,573,334 times
Reputation: 3996
Quote:
Originally Posted by aidxen View Post
I suspect some wrong on both sides in almost every case. How is it that once two people were in love and now one hates the other? I think that parents become lazy when it comes to each other.

Mothers (again this is a sweeping generalisation) can become wrapped up in their kids or in mothers groups and the husband feels left out. He is getting no sex or not enjoyable sex. He may not even be getting love which is actualy different to sex. So he goes looking for whatever he once had but is missing. Then he gets slammed by the women and the wife gets told she is wonderful and its all his fault. They need to put effort. Conscious effort into each other. A strong relationship between husband and wife means a stable and happy home for the kids.
I agree with parts of your post. I do agree that in many cases there is fault on both sides with regards to the marriage falling apart, or that perhaps the two people were never a good match and were trying to force a relationship where they were too different to ever work.

In this case, though, I haven't read anything to suggest what the wife has done inappropriately. The fact that the husband is bi-polar and refuses to take his meds and refuses to go to counseling suggests that in this case, it may very well just be him that is bringing the issue into the marriage, rather than it being a case where he's a saint who is starved for sex from a wife who doesn't care.

And while a healthy marriage is always a wonderful influence on the kids, a marriage where dad is bi-polar, won't medicate, won't do therapy and cheats on mom with a younger model is NOT going to be healthy for them. They may very well be better off with him out of the daily picture.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-09-2011, 04:24 PM
 
662 posts, read 1,640,879 times
Reputation: 1064
Quote:
Originally Posted by h886 View Post
I agree with parts of your post. I do agree that in many cases there is fault on both sides with regards to the marriage falling apart, or that perhaps the two people were never a good match and were trying to force a relationship where they were too different to ever work.

In this case, though, I haven't read anything to suggest what the wife has done inappropriately. The fact that the husband is bi-polar and refuses to take his meds and refuses to go to counseling suggests that in this case, it may very well just be him that is bringing the issue into the marriage, rather than it being a case where he's a saint who is starved for sex from a wife who doesn't care.

And while a healthy marriage is always a wonderful influence on the kids, a marriage where dad is bi-polar, won't medicate, won't do therapy and cheats on mom with a younger model is NOT going to be healthy for them. They may very well be better off with him out of the daily picture.
Yes, this. @aidxen, you are thoughtful to think of him but like I said, this thread isn't about him - it's about her and the kids. He has his own friends who can post their own advice threads

Also, in this case, yes, he is the villian. I know because I'm his sister. The only thing she's ever done to him is love him unconditionally. She's a devout Christian and tried to be the best wife she could be. She's been a better wife to him that our family could have ever imagined, constantly supporting him. I happen to know that part of the problems that led to this is, he sees her as a doormat. She doesn't provide enough excitement for him. They married straight out of high school (which I cautioned against at the time, but no one listens to me, ha) and have only slept with each other until this point, and he wants to sow his wild oats.

I don't believe he's wrong for wanting to leave. I believe he's wrong for how he's gone about it.

Update: I also found out they aren't going to mention the mistress when they tell the kids. That was a relief to hear. I do think the two of them will be better off without each other. I wish I could say the same for the kids, but they are young enough to adapt I think.

Last edited by MrsRhythm; 09-09-2011 at 04:45 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-09-2011, 04:44 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,097,438 times
Reputation: 32726
Quote:
Originally Posted by aidxen View Post
I agree with this statement.

A pity that most of the other statements on this thread vilify the man and glorify the woman. This sort of thing (all men are Bast$%^&) just contributes to the break up of marriages.
you are a woman, right?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-10-2011, 12:30 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,483,784 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsRhythm View Post
Yes, this. @aidxen, you are thoughtful to think of him but like I said, this thread isn't about him - it's about her and the kids. He has his own friends who can post their own advice threads

Also, in this case, yes, he is the villian. I know because I'm his sister. The only thing she's ever done to him is love him unconditionally. She's a devout Christian and tried to be the best wife she could be. She's been a better wife to him that our family could have ever imagined, constantly supporting him. I happen to know that part of the problems that led to this is, he sees her as a doormat. She doesn't provide enough excitement for him. They married straight out of high school (which I cautioned against at the time, but no one listens to me, ha) and have only slept with each other until this point, and he wants to sow his wild oats.

I don't believe he's wrong for wanting to leave. I believe he's wrong for how he's gone about it.

Update: I also found out they aren't going to mention the mistress when they tell the kids. That was a relief to hear. I do think the two of them will be better off without each other. I wish I could say the same for the kids, but they are young enough to adapt I think.

Just a word to the wise...while it is certainly admirable of you to care enough about your sister-in-law to want to support her during this emotional upheaval, I would caution you about taking sides.

You think you know what happened in their marriage, but you really don't.

The only people who REALLY know what went on in that marriage are your brother and his wife - and they each have a point of view based on THEIR INDIVIDUAL experience.

You may not like or agree with your brothers choices right now, and he does appear to be making some whopper mistakes, but he IS your brother.

Try hard to love him anyway. Keep the lines of communication open with him so that you can possibly help him give his life back on track if he reaches out to you when he's ready to admit his mistakes.

You already said these two will be better off without each other. Sure, his exit left a lot to be desired and could have been so much more dignified and honorable, but in these high emotion packed situations people often handle things in less than stellar ways. I hope you won't judge him so harshly that you lose him from your life, for both your sakes
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-10-2011, 12:55 PM
 
18,837 posts, read 37,278,327 times
Reputation: 26463
I will tell you the flip side, I left my ex, let him have everything. I could care less. I just wanted out, and far away. Do I regret it? Sometimes...I have nothing, he has the house I put money into for 15 years, I just requsted child support for our children, which he paid, but he did not pay for "extras" like piano lessons, dance lessons, sports, things that children with two working parents get...my kids went from a home where they each had a bedroom, to an apartment, where they shared a room.

I just did it because I was such an emotional wreck after the whole marriage...depressed, and could care less about anything...but if I had to do it over again, I guess that in retrospect, it would have been better to get an attorney, who would have dealt with it all...I could have still ignored it, and been depressed, but at least I would not have been completely beaten down by the bully. So, get a lawyer, no matter how bad you feel now...make it happen. Ask your parents for money, or whatever...because a man like that usually has beat you down, to where you feel like you have no resources...or ability to stand up to him. Do it...because it is worth it...don't let depression just make you give up.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-10-2011, 01:01 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,483,784 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
I will tell you the flip side, I left my ex, let him have everything. I could care less. I just wanted out, and far away. Do I regret it? Sometimes...I have nothing, he has the house I put money into for 15 years, I just requsted child support for our children, which he paid, but he did not pay for "extras" like piano lessons, dance lessons, sports, things that children with two working parents get...my kids went from a home where they each had a bedroom, to an apartment, where they shared a room.

I just did it because I was such an emotional wreck after the whole marriage...depressed, and could care less about anything...but if I had to do it over again, I guess that in retrospect, it would have been better to get an attorney, who would have dealt with it all...I could have still ignored it, and been depressed, but at least I would not have been completely beaten down by the bully. So, get a lawyer, no matter how bad you feel now...make it happen. Ask your parents for money, or whatever...because a man like that usually has beat you down, to where you feel like you have no resources...or ability to stand up to him. Do it...because it is worth it...don't let depression just make you give up.

Nothing beats the voice of experience - such wise words

Even in the best of circumstances where the couple is amicable they should get lawyers, because it RARELY stays amicable.

Women like you and our OP's sister in law ESPECIALLY need a clear thinking lawyer to watch out for your best interests when you are so emotionally drained. Sorry you learned that lesson the hard way
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-10-2011, 01:17 PM
 
Location: So Ca
26,655 posts, read 26,621,846 times
Reputation: 24707
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsRhythm View Post
I heard back from an attorney in her town who said she should NOT sign the house over to him... I agree giving him the house just doesn't seem right and leaves her too vulnerable. I also found out they charge in the $150 range for an initial consultation, in her area.
Many divorce attorneys offer the first half hour to 45 minutes of consultation at no cost. She should not sign over the house; she should do nothing legally until she speaks with an attorney. She needs to protect herself. N.C. is a no-fault state but it is not a community property state.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-10-2011, 03:54 PM
 
1,429 posts, read 4,273,415 times
Reputation: 2049
In the state of NC:

a divorce can filed for after the husband and wife have lived apart for one year and one day.

there is no such thing as a 'legal seperation' you can file for a free trader agreement, but there is no requirement, by law, that a seperation agreement be filed with the courts, even though this agreement will be upheld through the courts if the paperwork is in order.

until there is a custody order/agreement both parents have equal rights/access to the children... for example, there is no legal reason why one parent cannot pick up the child from school and leave the state.

Martial property includes all assets and debts made by BOTH parties during the marriage, with the exception of some inheritances.

As for the financial aspect:

a divorcee decree means nothing to your creditors.. if your name is on the bill they can come after YOU, even with a judge's order that your ex-spouse was the responsible party.

The names on the mortgage and the names on the deed are not always the same... he can remove you from the mortgage ONLY by refinancing. Him removing you from the deed does NOT relinquish your financial obligation on the mortgage... only your rights to the house (he could kick you out/sell the home/etc and you would still be obligated to the mortgage company)

if you have a joint bank account, the only way to 'take your name off' is to close the account. The bank can withdraw your funds for a debt made by the ex spouse, even after the divorce if your name is still on an account that s/he has control of and s/he overdrafts/writes bad checks.

The most important... the kids:
no matter what, these kids are products of both parents. They are gong to have a major upheval in their lives, plus, he is going to move right in with the other woman (who cares if it was physical before or after) the kids are going to be exposed to her if the father remains active in their lives. There needs to be not only financial allocations made for the kids, there needs to be emotional allocations as well.

There are too many variables to make life alternating decisions when she is emotionally vulnerable. An attorney is the only way to go.

Last edited by rockinmomma; 09-10-2011 at 03:58 PM.. Reason: added checking acct info
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-10-2011, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,483,784 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by rockinmomma View Post
In the state of NC:

a divorce can filed for after the husband and wife have lived apart for one year and one day.

there is no such thing as a 'legal seperation' you can file for a free trader agreement, but there is no requirement, by law, that a seperation agreement be filed with the courts, even though this agreement will be upheld through the courts if the paperwork is in order.

until there is a custody order/agreement both parents have equal rights/access to the children... for example, there is no legal reason why one parent cannot pick up the child from school and leave the state.

Martial property includes all assets and debts made by BOTH parties during the marriage, with the exception of some inheritances.

As for the financial aspect:

a divorcee decree means nothing to your creditors.. if your name is on the bill they can come after YOU, even with a judge's order that your ex-spouse was the responsible party.

The names on the mortgage and the names on the deed are not always the same... he can remove you from the mortgage ONLY by refinancing. Him removing you from the deed does NOT relinquish your financial obligation on the mortgage... only your rights to the house (he could kick you out/sell the home/etc and you would still be obligated to the mortgage company)

if you have a joint bank account, the only way to 'take your name off' is to close the account. The bank can withdraw your funds for a debt made by the ex spouse, even after the divorce if your name is still on an account that s/he has control of and s/he overdrafts/writes bad checks.

The most important... the kids:
no matter what, these kids are products of both parents. They are gong to have a major upheval in their lives, plus, he is going to move right in with the other woman (who cares if it was physical before or after) the kids are going to be exposed to her if the father remains active in their lives. There needs to be not only financial allocations made for the kids, there needs to be emotional allocations as well.

There are too many variables to make life alternating decisions when she is emotionally vulnerable.

An attorney is the only way to go.
Well said
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top