Constantly being flaked out on. (guy, cheating, call, friends)
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I'm looking. I am not someone who will just go and walk up to a random stranger on the street. I tend to be more methodical, more start with a common ground, then progress from there.
And I am aware of the amount of people who are not willing to wait until marriage.
I think you already answered your own question when you stated you are a Christian interested in someone with similar values. Christian Social or dating site for sure.
No, its about giving tough love which is something i believe in. OP asks advice on why women are flaking out on him and fails to disclose he is still a virgin in his mid 20s..he has to realize that guys being virgins at that age is the exception and not the norm..I know there are different schools of thought and moral codes when it comes to sex, but at some point a boy needs to become a man..part of that is developing not just your mind, but also your body and your sexuality. Most women dont like going to bed with guys who are completely inexperienced in the bedroom or need "to be taught". This explains why women are giving you the cold shoulder, they can smell when a guy isnt confident about his own man-hood or sexuality...My advice is to hit on cougars (women over 40) who would love to show you the ropes in the bedroom (cue in The Graduate w Dustin Hoffman, lol)..
Also agree with the love not equaling romance. Sex IS a big part of the love and romance equation..you cant love a woman and not expect her to feel tnat you can sexually satisfy her needs. When i think back at my college boyfriend, i am thankful he wasnt a virgin when we dated because he knew exactly what buttons to push to make me orgasm without much trouble...and guess what, the fact that we could enjoy each others company AS WELL as enjoy mind blowing sex, made me love him even more...
And none of those scenarios will happen in your future unless you work on getting game, and thats where you need to find your MoJo (cue Austin Powers, an unattractive guy but who knew how to sexually attract women and keep them around him).
Tough love? More like verbal abuse and flat-out hazing...but whatever though Also the bit about men basically not being true "men" if they haven't had s*x...utter rubbish. What if a man *wants* to save himself intimately, for marriage...for the one he will spend forever with, to his soul mate, and beloved future wife? Does that make him any less of a man? I think not. In fact, I personally think it makes him *more* of a man.
FWIW, s*x alone without real love != long-term relationship or marriage potential, either.
The two posters I quoted below gave you the best advice in this thread that fits your situation. Most others are giving advice that fit their own personal lives or just want to use you as a battering ram, which is quite sad.
I used to be you when I started college, minus the virgin aspect. Follow these two posters' advice, and you'll have a better shot.
You say you're a smart guy. Use your intelligence as I did to reverse-engineer the dating process. Figure out the exact type of woman you want, and the type who is most likely to fit into your marriage-minded, no sex until marriage goals. Once you find out who that type of woman is, then you need to figure out where these type of women hang out. Make friends with a few and ask for brutally honest advice about how you can improve yourself to be more appealing. I would ask more than a few, since women's opinions vary. If necessary, give them examples of safe things to criticize, like your height (but ask shorter women), your physical appearance, your dress, your conversation, etc. You may discover that you didn't need to change a thing about yourself and simply needed to change your pool of women.
In regards to not finding churches with your age group, I suggest finding a church that caters to students in college. When I was in college, a few of the black churches in town would send buses or some form of major outreach to the HBCUs in the area. These churches were filled with college aged women, and very few college men.
I'm not an advocate of your idealistic marriage mindset anymore, but it's what YOU what and you shouldn't let others deter you. You need to at least experience a few relationships, as I did and figure out if you still want that life. I realized it wasn't for me and I was idealizing love since I never really had it. You may find you still want it, but without experience you won't know.
If you want to remain a virgin until marriage, do so (as long as it's YOUR want and not your dad's). You just have to realize that you'll have to laser focus on religious women (younger and older) for the largest pool to fish in. Going after random college girls will be too much of a numbers game in comparison. I'm sure you have a high fear of rejection by now, so you need to put the odds in your favor instead of leaving it up to chance.
There are also dating websites for Christians and marriage-minded people. Google them and join a few. That's another method of using a laser focus on the type of women who may fit what you're looking for.
Despite the ugly responses, feel free to share your progress or questions. Also feel free to PM me. Like I said, I used to be just like you and had to figure this out alone. I have a ton of tactics that got me over the hump.
Good luck!
I pretty much know I'm being used as a battering ram. I just can't say certain things on city-data.
So far, the best advice I have been given is to find women who are Christian-minded, be myself, and to keep pushing. That is all I can do.
I must say that I relate to vesperbelle's story. I was a freshmen in college, not looking for a relationship or anything (even though a part of me wanted to be in a relationship). It turns out that the guy my sister introduced me to had a thing for me. I didn't know what to say or do, so I told him to wait (we were chatting) and I ran in the rain with a friend to get my mind off that. I didn't know how to respond to him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I lied and told him that I had a thing for him too. I never had a guy told me that he liked me. Never in my entire life. I didn't have the "fluffy" feelings or anything. I was like, "WHAT"? Let's just say that it never worked out, we argued and I almost punched him because he was getting on my nerve. He invited me to go Ice skating with some of our friends, but I did not flaked out on him (almost did) because I think he wanted to make it up. We, somehow, turn out to be best friends (he claimed me as his best friend, not I), and he apologized for whatever happens in the past...I, too, apologized. Our relationships has never been better, and we never looked each other the same again. A lot of my friends ask me "what if" he had a thing for me again? I told them plainly that I do not have the same feelings as I did years ago, and I am so sure of it.
I think that finding a Christian woman who has the same values and theology is very important, but IMO and like you said, they either have a boyfriend, are engaged or are married. My bias toward (Christian) young women is that they rush into relationships and get crushed, like me.
text messaging is great for established booty calls, not so great when you're still trying to lay the groundwork.
This doesn't resonate with my experience at all. I've been with my current girlfriend for almost two years and I set up our first few dates over text. Texting is just the way people communicate now. It's not intrusive and you can even respond to a text in the middle of surgery (if you're the surgeon), in class, during a deposition, at the movies, or on the toilet. Even my mom sends texts and she's in her 60s.
If you're sending texts like:
"Hi! " or
"Great to meet you, Jen! I really enjoyed talking about XYZ. You're really funny. I think we should talk some more. What are you doing Friday night? There's a great play at the Shakespeare Theater. It's called X. I loved it when I saw it the first time. Hopefully you'll get a glance of my thespian side."
Then you will have problems. Keep texts short, sweet and/or funny when trying to set up a date. Save all of your conversation for the real date.
"sup?"
"hey"
Funny texts should always be a bit impolite but retain the air of plausible deniability:
The last time I tried to date a woman, it was 3 years ago. Nothing came of it, and worse, I had a falling out with this person. I was basically out of it as far as dating. I am now starting to get back into things. For some reason, and I don't know if this is with the college population or what, but I have basically been flaked out on. One time I went and hour or two out to a place to see her. She seemed happy that I did so. When I called her to come and see me where I lived, she never returned my calls, or even returned my messages. I gave up after that. I pretty much moved on and didn't try for a while. This semester I made it my business to try. I want to be loved, I want to love someone. But it won't happen at once, so I go in baby steps. A first date, a second date, take it day by day. I decided to try again. I arranged to go with a woman to get coffee. It never worked out. I texted her and she never answered my text the next day because of illness. However, that is not where the kicker was. I tried to text her about meeting another time. She has never responded, and I've seen her around since then. I moved on, thinking she was just flaking out on me. Another person I met, I tried. She seemed like she wasn't as flaky. I texted her again and I never got a text until too late. Today it is looking the same. We arranged to meet for coffee and for some reason, it isn't working out. I don't know what is going on. I tend to think of myself as decent. I won't do a woman wrong. There are many people who say that I know so much and that I'm "smart". I'm not saying that, other people often do. I figure "I have to give it a try, go out there". The problem I am having is that I feel like I'm being flaked out on. I'm wondering what is going on.
Dude,
Women (younger women in particular) flake because they have options. Options = Flaking. This goes both ways; men will flake on women, too. But it's mostly a female phenomenon because the average man is not "in demand" the way the average woman is. Women are likely to be flakier because, on the whole, they have more options, and they're also generally more indecisive than men.
Even the most attractive guys get flaked on. Because women have so many dating options (at least in the short-term, which is mostly all younger women care about), you have to arm yourself with greater leverage against the flake by dating multiple girls concurrently. Just think about it. Would you be in a better mind state if you applied for just one job and waited around all day for a callback? Or would you be more relaxed and confident if you applied for 10 jobs, had five callbacks, and went into each interview knowing that a job offer is likely waiting in the wings?
Women smell desperation on a man the way bloodhounds smell sweat on a runaway slave in Mississippi. If you're putting all of your eggs into one basket, and eagerly awaiting a girl's phone calls, her subconscious will detect that.
The last time I tried to date a woman, it was 3 years ago. Nothing came of it, and worse, I had a falling out with this person. I was basically out of it as far as dating. I am now starting to get back into things. For some reason, and I don't know if this is with the college population or what, but I have basically been flaked out on. One time I went and hour or two out to a place to see her. She seemed happy that I did so. When I called her to come and see me where I lived, she never returned my calls, or even returned my messages. I gave up after that. I pretty much moved on and didn't try for a while. This semester I made it my business to try. I want to be loved, I want to love someone. But it won't happen at once, so I go in baby steps. A first date, a second date, take it day by day. I decided to try again. I arranged to go with a woman to get coffee. It never worked out. I texted her and she never answered my text the next day because of illness. However, that is not where the kicker was. I tried to text her about meeting another time. She has never responded, and I've seen her around since then. I moved on, thinking she was just flaking out on me. Another person I met, I tried. She seemed like she wasn't as flaky. I texted her again and I never got a text until too late. Today it is looking the same. We arranged to meet for coffee and for some reason, it isn't working out. I don't know what is going on. I tend to think of myself as decent. I won't do a woman wrong. There are many people who say that I know so much and that I'm "smart". I'm not saying that, other people often do. I figure "I have to give it a try, go out there". The problem I am having is that I feel like I'm being flaked out on. I'm wondering what is going on.
First off, many college age girls are flakes because they tons and tons of options. They can have a date every day of the week, they are pretty much at their peak dating desirablity. I never had a harder time dating than when I was in my early 20's.
So, your problem is in your pre-selection. You have some strong religious beliefs so I would recommend the following:
1) Try to meet gals through religious groups, which should be all over your campus.
2) Consider what things you can change about yourself to make yourself more attractive. Dress, exercise....any number of ways. Maybe get a formal or informal (a friend) dating coach to give you some advice on what to change.
First off, many college age girls are flakes because they tons and tons of options. They can have a date every day of the week, they are pretty much at their peak dating desirablity. I never had a harder time dating than when I was in my early 20's.
So, your problem is in your pre-selection. You have some strong religious beliefs so I would recommend the following:
1) Try to meet gals through religious groups, which should be all over your campus.
2) Consider what things you can change about yourself to make yourself more attractive. Dress, exercise....any number of ways. Maybe get a formal or informal (a friend) dating coach to give you some advice on what to change.
I have been trying to do things through religious groups at school. I am a Catholic man, and I had a fallout with the Catholic student group on campus, so things are kind of shaky. I am trying to be more active in my parish. I have gottent to know people from other religious student groups. Some have been nice, but it seems like some of the persons seem to avoid men. In fact, one woman I knew went through leaps and bounds to avoid me. I wasn't interested in her, but she seemed to be afraid of me for some reason. I confronted her about it and she said she felt like I might have been "checking her out". To be honest, I wasn't checking her out, and I let her know I wasn't. Once she found that out, she was friendlier and was happy to it was a big misunderstanding. I confronted her and she was honest about it. However, it scared me a bit because I never know what people are thinking of me. Right now, I am trying to stay involved in the stuff I like, and hopefully meet someone. The two times I had this semester, I wasn't even trying. I met one in class and the other woman I met through someone else I knew, at a pageant(I was a participant in the men's part of it, as well as an escort).
As for how I dress, I dress business casual. On a given day, I wear a nice pair of slacks with a dress shirt. Once in a while I will throw on a suit jacket. Sometimes I wear polo shirts. Over the summer I did it more often because let's face it, Atlanta is called Hotlanta for a reason. I put on cologne to make sure I smell nice. Some people have commented on how "nice" I dress.
Women (younger women in particular) flake because they have options. Options = Flaking. This goes both ways; men will flake on women, too. But it's mostly a female phenomenon because the average man is not "in demand" the way the average woman is. Women are likely to be flakier because, on the whole, they have more options, and they're also generally more indecisive than men.
Even the most attractive guys get flaked on. Because women have so many dating options (at least in the short-term, which is mostly all younger women care about), you have to arm yourself with greater leverage against the flake by dating multiple girls concurrently. Just think about it. Would you be in a better mind state if you applied for just one job and waited around all day for a callback? Or would you be more relaxed and confident if you applied for 10 jobs, had five callbacks, and went into each interview knowing that a job offer is likely waiting in the wings?
Women smell desperation on a man the way bloodhounds smell sweat on a runaway slave in Mississippi. If you're putting all of your eggs into one basket, and eagerly awaiting a girl's phone calls, her subconscious will detect that.
The "numbers" game is something I've never played. I always figured if I act like a "player", a lady won't take me seriously or get upset and take it as cheating.
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).
Also the bit about men basically not being true "men" if they haven't had s*x...utter rubbish. What if a man *wants* to save himself intimately, for marriage...for the one he will spend forever with, to his soul mate, and beloved future wife? Does that make him any less of a man? I think not. In fact, I personally think it makes him *more* of a man.
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