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Old 10-11-2011, 04:57 PM
 
Location: Saint Louis, MO
1,197 posts, read 2,269,126 times
Reputation: 1016

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Quote:
Originally Posted by QuickStudy178 View Post
Famous last words...... and the reason why guys get taken to the cleaners in Divorce. Lack of being pro-active.

If you really trust your wife, fine. But hiring a private investigator for a month to confirm your instincts won't hurt. And if genuinely have no concern at all that your wife is closing bars, then you are way way too naive. If the tables were turned, you can bet that your wife would figure out a way to put her concerns to rest, or alternatively, gather evidence for the Divorce soon following.
Why would me knowing she was having an affair have any impact on a divorce. There is no law saying she has to stay married to me. If she wants a divorce then she will get one.

Trust is imperative in a marriage. If I'm hiring PI's, I might as well get divorced as far as I'm concerned. Why would I want to stay married to someone I don't trust? I love and respect my wife. To me that's the only way a marriage can work. You don't have someone followed that you love and respect.

Again I think the term "closing the bars" is getting thrown around too liberally here. In the 5 weeks that she has gone out, she has not been drunk to my knowledge. On at least two of the occasions I woke up when she got home and could tell she wasn't drunk. On one occasion she actually was home by midnight, and was not even buzzed. On another occasion she woke me up and was clearly not drunk. The only time that was questionable, she had gotten sick, and stayed at our friends house (the friend had driven). The friends husband texted me asking if I wanted him to bring her home, or let her crash on their couch. She claims she was sick to her stomach, but it's possible she lied and was drunk (she would normally just tell me she had too much to drink if that were the case, but I have no proof she was not drunk like I do the other times). It's not like she's out partying it up. She probably has a couple of beers and sings. That's her thing.
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:07 PM
 
Location: Connecticut
1,142 posts, read 2,124,016 times
Reputation: 1349
oops im sorry to hear this - i would have to say that it doesnt sound right to me - if she is not seeing another man right now it will lead there eventually - in all honesty i never even heard of married couples splitting up like that and going out except for the monthly poker game or dinner out with the girls - also i never knew any married couples that had a good marriage go out seperately every week - i wish you luck with your situation
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:54 PM
 
Location: Virginia
630 posts, read 1,710,913 times
Reputation: 572
Hi there..wanted to throw in my opinion. You know what she was doing was not the thing to do and you have addressed it. However, I think you need to really focus on finding a sitter. That would make all of this a non issue as you would be going out together. When we moved to Ga we didn't have any family or friends. Hubby and I like to go out at least once a month and really look forward to our time together. I found a website called care .com. It costs around $10/mo but it lists everyone who signs up to babysit in your area in one place. Their fees..when they are available etc. Had great success with it. They have pics/ages. Which is helpful as we have a special needs child who will blow right over a teeny bopper. Some provide background checks. Other people who use them post reviews.

Best of luck to you!
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Old 10-11-2011, 06:30 PM
 
Location: Sag Harbor, NY (The Hamptons)
351 posts, read 536,566 times
Reputation: 344
Quote:
Originally Posted by scocar View Post
Why would me knowing she was having an affair have any impact on a divorce.
So, if your wife were having an affair and perhaps contemplating divorce, you can see no benefit in having advance notice of that? So I take it that you would have no problem coming home from work to find a note on the dinner table and all the family bank accounts cleaned out? Wow. Whatever makes you happy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by scocar View Post
There is no law saying she has to stay married to me. If she wants a divorce then she will get one.
Indeed, she will. Women initiate the vast number of divorces in this country.

Quote:
Originally Posted by scocar View Post
Trust is imperative in a marriage.
Well, it's nice to have.

Quote:
Originally Posted by scocar View Post
If I'm hiring PI's, I might as well get divorced as far as I'm concerned.
What is wrong with confirming your trust? If you have 100% blind trust and faith in your spouse, given the fact that the divorce rate is roughly 50%, then you are basically just taking your chances.

Quote:
Originally Posted by scocar View Post
Why would I want to stay married to someone I don't trust?
Ask the millions of people in this country who do just that. There are LOTS of potential reasons for staying in a less than ideal marriage, for example, K I D S.

Quote:
Originally Posted by scocar View Post
I love and respect my wife. To me that's the only way a marriage can work. You don't have someone followed that you love and respect.
Nobody is suggesting that you don't love and respect your wife, or that you shouldn't love and respect your wife. What is being suggested, perhaps, is that you should not let your love and respect for your wife totally blind you to the possibility that she is having an affair, or working up to having an affair. If you believe that your wife happens to be as "pure as the driven snow" and is on her way to canonization and is utterly affair-proof, great. Congratulations!

In that case, just put up with whatever she does and consider yourself lucky.
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Old 10-11-2011, 06:58 PM
 
19,045 posts, read 25,115,487 times
Reputation: 13484
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuickStudy178 View Post
Famous last words...... and the reason why guys get taken to the cleaners in Divorce. Lack of being pro-active.

If you really trust your wife, fine. But hiring a private investigator for a month to confirm your instincts won't hurt. And if you genuinely have no concern at all that your wife is closing bars, then you are way way too naive. If the tables were turned, you can bet that your wife would figure out a way to put her concerns to rest, or alternatively, gather evidence for the Divorce soon following.
A school teacher taking another school teacher to the cleaners?

Any how, hiring a private investigator to spy on your spouse is just weird. I agree with the OP, you might as well just separate at that point.
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Old 10-11-2011, 07:29 PM
 
Location: Saint Louis, MO
1,197 posts, read 2,269,126 times
Reputation: 1016
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuickStudy178 View Post
So, if your wife were having an affair and perhaps contemplating divorce, you can see no benefit in having advance notice of that? So I take it that you would have no problem coming home from work to find a note on the dinner table and all the family bank accounts cleaned out? Wow. Whatever makes you happy.

Indeed, she will. Women initiate the vast number of divorces in this country.

Well, it's nice to have.

What is wrong with confirming your trust? If you have 100% blind trust and faith in your spouse, given the fact that the divorce rate is roughly 50%, then you are basically just taking your chances.

Ask the millions of people in this country who do just that. There are LOTS of potential reasons for staying in a less than ideal marriage, for example, K I D S.

Nobody is suggesting that you don't love and respect your wife, or that you shouldn't love and respect your wife. What is being suggested, perhaps, is that you should not let your love and respect for your wife totally blind you to the possibility that she is having an affair, or working up to having an affair. If you believe that your wife happens to be as "pure as the driven snow" and is on her way to canonization and is utterly affair-proof, great. Congratulations!

In that case, just put up with whatever she does and consider yourself lucky.
Fair enough. I missed your point about advanced notice. To me if she's having an affair, it's not one that is making her contemplate leaving me. None of the obvious signs are there. Without going into detail, aside from this disagreement, all aspects of our relationship are going very smoothly. So to me it would be really paranoid to hire a PI over this.
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Old 10-11-2011, 10:03 PM
 
Location: Chicago
38,707 posts, read 102,722,835 times
Reputation: 29967
Well this thread has gone pretty far afield...
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Old 10-11-2011, 11:52 PM
 
Location: Sag Harbor, NY (The Hamptons)
351 posts, read 536,566 times
Reputation: 344
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
A school teacher taking another school teacher to the cleaners?
Being "taken to the cleaners" can mean a lot more than just financially.

Personally, I value my child more than ANYTHING else in this world, so if I lost custody of her and was no longer able to have day-to-day interaction with her that would be totally devastating........ and "taken to the cleaners" in a big way!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
Any how, hiring a private investigator to spy on your spouse is just weird.
Well, to each their own, I suppose. If my bond with my child were potentially in jeopardy, you can bet that I would want as much advance notice as possible regardless of the expense of PI fees. My daughter means at least 1000 times more (conservatively speaking) to me than my wife ever did, but everybody is different.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
I agree with the OP, you might as well just separate at that point.
Just separate?

Most guys cannot afford a full-blown 25 day divorce trial with 37 witnesses and 12 expert witnesses. And without a full-blown trial, the likelihood of a guy being awarded primary residency or sole custody of the children is hovering around zilch, unless his wife is seriously mentally ill (committable), a crack addict, or a prostitute, or unless she gives up the fight (extremely rare due to her practical desire to avoid having to pay her ex child support).

Therefore, the decision to separate should be considered very carefully. It's not like the guy can just get p*ssed off and chuck the marriage feeling confident that he is going to regularly see his children, unlike the situation women enjoy.

In any event, I am the type of guy who likes to know what is going to happen before it happens, so that I have the best chance of winning whatever conflict ensues.

My own ex wife, as misfortune would have it, was a psychopath (a bona fide tested and certified psychopath). She planned her exit from the marriage for four years, beginning one year before we were actually married. She installed key loggers on all the computers, installed bugs throughout the house, provided great sex 14 times a week right up to the day the shtf, and a whole bunch of other stuff I won't get into. [She was a gold-digger of the worst sort and wanted a child, and for me to support her and our child in a very lavish life style for life. She never had any real interest in me, although she faked it very convincingly, and not just with sex.]

After four solid years of court battles in five different courts (including a year when I was prison looking at 19 more, as a result of my ex's false allegations), and after spending over $2 million in legal fees, I was exonerated and awarded sole custody and sole residency of my daughter. Yes, it was worth every bit of the misery, but not every guy can endure this.

To the OP: I wish you the best of luck!
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Old 10-12-2011, 08:11 AM
 
Location: Saint Louis, MO
1,197 posts, read 2,269,126 times
Reputation: 1016
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuickStudy178 View Post
Being "taken to the cleaners" can mean a lot more than just financially.

Personally, I value my child more than ANYTHING else in this world, so if I lost custody of her and was no longer able to have day-to-day interaction with her that would be totally devastating........ and "taken to the cleaners" in a big way!

Well, to each their own, I suppose. If my bond with my child were potentially in jeopardy, you can bet that I would want as much advance notice as possible regardless of the expense of PI fees. My daughter means at least 1000 times more (conservatively speaking) to me than my wife ever did, but everybody is different.

Just separate?

Most guys cannot afford a full-blown 25 day divorce trial with 37 witnesses and 12 expert witnesses. And without a full-blown trial, the likelihood of a guy being awarded primary residency or sole custody of the children is hovering around zilch, unless his wife is seriously mentally ill (committable), a crack addict, or a prostitute, or unless she gives up the fight (extremely rare due to her practical desire to avoid having to pay her ex child support).

Therefore, the decision to separate should be considered very carefully. It's not like the guy can just get p*ssed off and chuck the marriage feeling confident that he is going to regularly see his children, unlike the situation women enjoy.

In any event, I am the type of guy who likes to know what is going to happen before it happens, so that I have the best chance of winning whatever conflict ensues.

My own ex wife, as misfortune would have it, was a psychopath (a bona fide tested and certified psychopath). She planned her exit from the marriage for four years, beginning one year before we were actually married. She installed key loggers on all the computers, installed bugs throughout the house, provided great sex 14 times a week right up to the day the shtf, and a whole bunch of other stuff I won't get into. [She was a gold-digger of the worst sort and wanted a child, and for me to support her and our child in a very lavish life style for life. She never had any real interest in me, although she faked it very convincingly, and not just with sex.]

After four solid years of court battles in five different courts (including a year when I was prison looking at 19 more, as a result of my ex's false allegations), and after spending over $2 million in legal fees, I was exonerated and awarded sole custody and sole residency of my daughter. Yes, it was worth every bit of the misery, but not every guy can endure this.

To the OP: I wish you the best of luck!
Sorry to hear about such an ordeal. I applaud you for fighting for your daughter. Too many of my friends have gone through divorce and just gave in and accepted the outcome.

I do think it's fair to say that your past experience has somewhat jaded your outlook on marriage and women in general. That's unfortunate, but completely understandable.
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Old 10-12-2011, 09:00 AM
 
Location: NC
6,032 posts, read 9,169,494 times
Reputation: 6378
Quote:
Originally Posted by scocar View Post
Fair enough. I missed your point about advanced notice. To me if she's having an affair, it's not one that is making her contemplate leaving me. None of the obvious signs are there. Without going into detail, aside from this disagreement, all aspects of our relationship are going very smoothly. So to me it would be really paranoid to hire a PI over this.

good luck with all of your cuckolding goals in 2012....

You don't mind her having an affair?!?!?
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