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I will try to keep this as clean as possible.Bascially, my bedroom life with my husband is boring. I get very little physical pleasure out of it, but I do get some emotional effects. But now I feel a bit used because it's the same old thing, it doesn't last very long, and I feel like he just gets his jollies and goes to sleep.
I used to bring my 'little friend' to bed, but then he got mad and said that I liked it more than him and it was obvious that it was more pleasing to me. Well, duh. That was the only way I could get some release. I didn't think it was fair to leave me hanging every night. But I wanted to make him happy so I stopped and got rid of the thing.After a year, I was tired of having all this tension so I bought a new one.
But I only use it when he is not home. I don't think intimacy is supposed to be this way. Both people are supposed to be happy. I don't like feeling like an object. I would love to get rid of my 'little friend' but I have no idea how I would duplicate that response with my husband. I guess I have no idea what we are doing, but it's not working and he doesn't seem to understand that.
Personally, I think that the problem is in marriage not in sex itself. Sex is only a reflection of the real problem. You probably lack intimacy and closeness and affection and love for each other. I think that if you had that (apart from sex), you wouldn't have a problem (that you described) during sex. But it's just my thinking. I could be wrong.
So marriage counseling to develop intimacy in everyday life would be my recommendation.
My bf is 30 as well, and he fell into this spell where I was in your exact same position. I sat him down, and talked to him. I explained I was not getting the satisfaction I needed and he needed to do something about it. That night we went to the naughty store and got all kinds of fun stuff. Including but not limited to a C ring. Conflict resolved.
I saw one of those ring things online and showed it to him. He was totally put off by it and didn't think I should be on that type of website.
This tells me your problems extend beyond the bedroom and deeply into his head.
Does your DH have some conservative ideas about women and their enjoyment of sex? Does he respect female sexuality at all or does he consider horniness = ho?
And if it has not been asked yet, does he go down? If not why not? This man may need some therapy if he has deeply embedded hangups about sex.
Why are you allowing this? Wouldn't it make more sense that if you are not getting any satisfaction, then he can't either? Maybe if you make him sleep on the couch for a few days he'll consider your point of view instead of just using your body for his own pleasure and leaving you hanging without learning anything.
He's your husband. You should be able to come to him with any problem you have without fear of upsetting him or not
Should - Is that in the marriage manual? It would be nice if the shoulds were mandated by law. But in her case, she can't, so saying she should doesn't help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
How old is he? You should be able to say things to him, without him getting his little feelers all upset.
Another should. How nice. But the world doesn't operate according to shoulds. Will you tell her husband to keep his feelers under control? This is also unhelpful.
Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067
This is why I believe you should test out the ride before you buy it. I've seen many marriages fair because of this situation. It might be good for a while but it seems to go south at some point. Some people tend to believe that sex isn't important in a relationship. I disagree this one reason why people tend to cheat.
I'm not saying that you should cheat on him if he doesn't listen like other have suggested then it's time not to be nice about it.
Test driving doesn't always work. There are men who are wonderful lovers before the wedding, then the ring goes on the woman's finger and he thinks he no longer has to work at anything. (But I do agree about test-drives.)
OP, I spent 28 years with a man who refused to try. No matter what I said to him about my needs, he heard "you're wonderful." He didn't try, he refused to even listen to my requests. We are divorced. I finally said to him that if he wouldn't satisfy me before he got his, he wasn't getting "in". I was so tired of him rolling over and going to sleep, not even snuggling after leaving me so unsatisfied.
That was just a symptom of his overall "caring" for me.
If your husband won't listen to you when you try to discuss things with him, ask him why he won't. Ask him why he is defensive when you explain your feelings. If you begin your sentences with, "I feel" there is no defense. It is how you feel: it is non-blaming.
If you can get him to hold off on his defenses long enough to tell him what you need him to do, ask him to just try what you ask of him.
If he still won't put forth any effort in this area, look at whether he is putting any effort into other areas of your relationship. Then picture your life in 5 years. Is that where you want to be? Is that how you want to be existing?
It's just hard to talk about it with him without him taking it personally. I am very careful with my words because I'd never want to upset him, but it's like he thinks I am saying he isn't good enough or something. To him any additional equipment is like I am insulting him and saying I don't love him or something. I saw one of those ring things online and showed it to him. He was totally put off by it and didn't think I should be on that type of website. He is a very sweet guy and I love him dearly, but this is a major issue we have and I don't think it's fair that I have to keep ignoring it so that he is happy. But I don't know what else to say.
This is so reversed!!!!
Most of the time it's the woman getting offended and the guy talking about sex.
I commend you for your confidence!! Good for you. I think if the women reading this could adopt your confidence and just come right out and talk about these things they would find their men...NOT like this weenie...but so turned on. (I know I would)
Test driving doesn't always work. There are men who are wonderful lovers before the wedding, then the ring goes on the woman's finger and he thinks he no longer has to work at anything. (But I do agree about test-drives.)
To some extent at least you would know what he is like before the marriage & if he fails to perform at some point after you'll know the difference.
Last edited by Keeper; 10-20-2011 at 06:01 AM..
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