Why did you divorce? (guys, therapy, cheated, dance)

[Red On The Noodle]

Originally Posted by hindsight2020

The sex wasn't great and she lost all interest once it became clear to her I wasn't enthusiastic about her physical appearance.

DUH! Ya think???

[MeAndMillie2]

Originally Posted by hindsight2020

For my divorce, in essence we weren't really compatible but we got married out of inertia. 6 years together and one year married. I felt as though the opportunity cost of throwing away the familiarity of 6 years together wasn't worth it starting over. That was a mistake of course.

The fact remained that we privately knew the things that we found incompatible about each other probably around 2 years into the relationship, but we were civil and too polite (and perhaps not looking forward to being alone) to tell each other the truth. She was horrible with money, had no savings, terrible and scary credit history, was a spendthrift. I was very frugal, a saver and generally had more conservative and disciplined attitudes towards finances. She was overweight and never got it under control while I am athletic and physically active. I enabled in my mind the illusion that one day she would be back to the high school pictures that attracted me to "the idea" of her. This was of course a mistake. She even dyed her hair blonde during the first two years (the courting years) and I realized that was not going to be sustainable. Eventually she rebeled against the hair dyeing and it wasn't until several years later that it dawned on me that she was looking for reaffirmation of affection on my part for the chubby brunette she was always going to be, and I realized how I was never going to get from her the IDEA of the girl I thought I had gotten with. We were too civil to admit our disappointment in each other.

According to her I was cheap and boring. I didn't drink, so her outings with friends always revolved around drinking and getting fat on a river bank, where I was at the gym or pursuing more intellectual activities. She also didn't care for my one passion in life [aviation], so there was nothing that tied us together as friends.

The sex wasn't great and she lost all interest once it became clear to her I wasn't enthusiastic about her physical appearance. At that point the infidelity started. This was also the stated reason for the cheating. She asserted not feeling wanted by me romantically, which was true, I had no enthusiasm for her figure. I found out about the cheating from a mutual friend who told on her well after the fact. There rest is history.

She asked for the divorce upon me confronting her about being out all the time while I stood at home on the weekends I didn't have to work, so it was clear that she was emotionally detached from the marriage from well before that conversation took place. She started dating one of the river acquaintances 2 weeks after she moved out. So it was clear she would have never divorced me until I forced the conversation. Her type was the one who cannot stand to be alone, and it showed. She admitted, when I asked why she married me knowing she wasn't happy and had been cheating all along, that it was out of the convenience of being able to say "I'm married to XYZ, he's a military pilot with a good job and a decent guy". It was probably the first time in seven years she was actually frank and honest about communicating her intentions. I just wished I had had the fortitude of expressing my discontent early in the relationship. And now yall know why I'm hindsight2020

These days I don't find the marriage license a requisite to have companionship; to be completely frank I never had any enthusiasm for signing that piece of paper. I remember feeling NOTHING as I was reciting my vows. It felt like I was an actor in somebody else's movie. How inertia desensitizes us, indeed.

I also do NOT find my exwife to be exceptional. This is to say, I do not find my divorce to be unique. I find these circumstances to be representative of the majority. In meeting women after my divorce I encounter the same general level of mediocrity of character. I am not suggesting people are evil or ill-intending, I just haven't found a woman that rises above the level of mediocrity of character exhibited by my own failed marriage. The difference is that now Im unwilling to enter into a relationship under those pretenses, which is to say I spend a lot of time lone-wolfing it. I reject girls a lot these days. I don't meet quality women much these days. I do fear I will not be able to find that level of mutual understanding until well into my 40s, at which point my life expectations and those of my prospective partners will be much different and certainly not centered around marriage and child bearing (for the obvious biological reasons). This disheartens me a little. I guess I'm waiting to be proven wrong.

In the mean time I have learned 2 great lessons in life : 1)MARRIAGE IS NOT REQUIRED FOR HONEST COMPANIONSHIP and 2)DEFINE YOUR HAPPINESS INDEPENDENT OF COMPANIONSHIP. I hope it serves me well in the next decade. Good luck to all.

Hmmmmmm... I have tried... really TRIED to feel any sort of sympathy or empathy for you on this.... also knowing your story is more common then what we would even hope it would be.

Actually, it makes me rather depressed reading it... And I am not the "depressed" type, whatsoever.

However, I feel none.

I can understand some bitter divorces. Most that I have encountered in my personal life and written on this forum and on another, I can relate to in some form or fashion (those written by men and women).

With this post and most of your others that I have read since I have been on C-D... Do you even like to be around women? It does not sound like it to me. It also sounds like you want to punish "fat" women because that is all you seem to talk about. I mean, give us a story.. "I met a woman, she was awesome and we had fun!"... Goodness. I really am beginning to think that you are out to punish instead of enjoy.

Dude, I am trying to find something redeeming about you... anything. But, alas, nothing. These are words that are thrown around way to often with no true meaning behind it, but I am beginning to think you are a Narcissistic/Misogynist. And I truly do feel sorry for any woman you do date because you are probably hating her while you are dating her (with the flowering words of courtship to get her attached).. You have spoken some on another thread about your Austin woman, too. Same M.O. it sounds to me... When you notice a trend, you figure things out.

I swear men like this should wear a blinking sign warning women they are even within the vicinity.

[Garfunkle524]

Originally Posted by mir86

I should not have opened this thread...I'm never getting married now.

Originally Posted by mir86

Oh believe me I know that and I'm loyal and committed to a fault sometimes. I just hope I marry someone who understands that.

Originally Posted by mir86

I am. Just enjoying this new relationship and I'm excited to see how it blossoms, but I'm also nervous because I haven't had the greatest experiences in the past so its a big wait and see game, lol.

Wow mir we are quite similar. A very insightful phrase I read on this forum once: our experience colors our perception. I'm from a dysfunctional home and through my life I'd seen many failed and/or unhappy marriages. I'd known all my life that I eventually would like to get married, but I've always been scared to death to experience/impose the incredible emotional trauma brought on by a tough divorce. Hell, I can't even remember my parents having a civil conversation with each other and the divorce that everyone saw coming was still (and is still) one of the most painful experiences of my life. Why on Earth would I want to marry someone if chances are close to 50/50 that I would experience that pain some day?

At the same time, my girlfriend has witnessed many many very happy marriages. Her entire extended family is harmoniously married. It's a good thing that I'm as pessimistic as I am or we probably would have married already. We've discussed this at length many times and the conclusion is that while I may hold up the timeline for a while, she would rather have me be more cautious about it because she had never experienced what I had. I guess I'm trying to spin our previous negative perceptions and experiences into a positive. It should give us the tools to really choose the right one for life. It's good for us to be hesitant and leery of the person we choose, and it will ultimately benefit us in the end if we hold that type of awareness. Good luck to you and your relationship!!

[asitshouldbe]

Abuse in several forms.
Now, I have been remarried for almost 18 years to a great guy.

[NotQuiteNative]

First Marriage: The only reason I wanted to get married was to have kids and a family. I always made this clear. The first woman I married had at first told me she didn't want kids (when we started dating), but changed her tune when it appeared I would be moving on. I took her at face value. A few years after our marriage it became apparent that she didn't really want kids and had married me as boost to her lifestyle and to get out of the dating market. I think she was shocked at how quickly it ended, but really--I had made my needs known.

Second Marriage: She definitely wanted kids but didn't want to do anything to help me make a home, and married me mainly to enable her addictions (booze, pills, cough syrup, self-pity). It was a co-dependent relationship that ended badly. I did have a son with her whom I love dearly, and though that experience I learned the problems I had that got me into both bad relationships.

Hey, it's life. Ya gotta start marrying people sometime. :-)

[chacho_keva]

Originally Posted by hindsight2020

For my divorce, in essence we weren't really compatible but we got married out of inertia. 6 years together and one year married. I felt as though the opportunity cost of throwing away the familiarity of 6 years together wasn't worth it starting over. That was a mistake of course.

The fact remained that we privately knew the things that we found incompatible about each other probably around 2 years into the relationship, but we were civil and too polite (and perhaps not looking forward to being alone) to tell each other the truth. She was horrible with money, had no savings, terrible and scary credit history, was a spendthrift. I was very frugal, a saver and generally had more conservative and disciplined attitudes towards finances. She was overweight and never got it under control while I am athletic and physically active. I enabled in my mind the illusion that one day she would be back to the high school pictures that attracted me to "the idea" of her. This was of course a mistake. She even dyed her hair blonde during the first two years (the courting years) and I realized that was not going to be sustainable. Eventually she rebeled against the hair dyeing and it wasn't until several years later that it dawned on me that she was looking for reaffirmation of affection on my part for the chubby brunette she was always going to be, and I realized how I was never going to get from her the IDEA of the girl I thought I had gotten with. We were too civil to admit our disappointment in each other.

According to her I was cheap and boring. I didn't drink, so her outings with friends always revolved around drinking and getting fat on a river bank, where I was at the gym or pursuing more intellectual activities. She also didn't care for my one passion in life [aviation], so there was nothing that tied us together as friends.

The sex wasn't great and she lost all interest once it became clear to her I wasn't enthusiastic about her physical appearance. At that point the infidelity started. This was also the stated reason for the cheating. She asserted not feeling wanted by me romantically, which was true, I had no enthusiasm for her figure. I found out about the cheating from a mutual friend who told on her well after the fact. There rest is history.

She asked for the divorce upon me confronting her about being out all the time while I stood at home on the weekends I didn't have to work, so it was clear that she was emotionally detached from the marriage from well before that conversation took place. She started dating one of the river acquaintances 2 weeks after she moved out. So it was clear she would have never divorced me until I forced the conversation. Her type was the one who cannot stand to be alone, and it showed. She admitted, when I asked why she married me knowing she wasn't happy and had been cheating all along, that it was out of the convenience of being able to say "I'm married to XYZ, he's a military pilot with a good job and a decent guy". It was probably the first time in seven years she was actually frank and honest about communicating her intentions. I just wished I had had the fortitude of expressing my discontent early in the relationship. And now yall know why I'm hindsight2020

These days I don't find the marriage license a requisite to have companionship; to be completely frank I never had any enthusiasm for signing that piece of paper. I remember feeling NOTHING as I was reciting my vows. It felt like I was an actor in somebody else's movie. How inertia desensitizes us, indeed.

I also do NOT find my exwife to be exceptional. This is to say, I do not find my divorce to be unique. I find these circumstances to be representative of the majority. In meeting women after my divorce I encounter the same general level of mediocrity of character. I am not suggesting people are evil or ill-intending, I just haven't found a woman that rises above the level of mediocrity of character exhibited by my own failed marriage. The difference is that now Im unwilling to enter into a relationship under those pretenses, which is to say I spend a lot of time lone-wolfing it. I reject girls a lot these days. I don't meet quality women much these days. I do fear I will not be able to find that level of mutual understanding until well into my 40s, at which point my life expectations and those of my prospective partners will be much different and certainly not centered around marriage and child bearing (for the obvious biological reasons). This disheartens me a little. I guess I'm waiting to be proven wrong.

In the mean time I have learned 2 great lessons in life : 1)MARRIAGE IS NOT REQUIRED FOR HONEST COMPANIONSHIP and 2)DEFINE YOUR HAPPINESS INDEPENDENT OF COMPANIONSHIP. I hope it serves me well in the next decade. Good luck to all.

Man, I completely agree and identify with the above underlined statements. Be patient. In due time, you'll meet a potential partner. Just take your sweet time.

After my divorce, I created a set of requirements to scrutinize potential partners. Two years later I came across a woman who met the requirements almost to the letter. Best yet, she was someone I've known for 13 years who was also divorced. Marriage is not an option given that we're not gonna procreate.

Good luck!

[Capt. Dan]

Originally Posted by mir86

true. I guess we'll have to see how this current relationship goes then huh? lol

If he has just 1 brain cell he will understand what a very lucky man he is!

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by Capt. Dan

If he has just 1 brain cell he will understand what a very lucky man he is!

You must be behind the times - it's over.

[cdubs3201]

After 25 years of marriage, my mom called my dad at work and said "I'm leaving you". No fight, no argument, no counseling, just divorce.

Turns out my mom had built a relationship with a close work friend. I don't think she cheated, but I'll never know for sure. My mom is very naive and my dad, whom she married right after college, was her very first boyfriend. My Dad: a catholic from Chicago who left his family and friends to live in the state my mom was from after marriage and his entire family has passed away since. My dad can be a jerk, but doesn't believe in divorce, and loved my mom always. Supported her when she went back to school, supported her through all her knee surgeries and was always there for her. My mom just likes to give up on things. "If it's too hard just quit" is her life motto.

I blame my dad for not recognizing how mean he can be sometimes and not working to improve himself and make others around him happier. I blame my mom for not making a true effort to fix her marriage and at least try counseling. 25 years and everything my dad gave up...I'd think you can at least give him some counseling sessions. But she was already checked out. She bought a decent sized house thinking the new guy would marry her. She is just finding out now that he has no intention of ever getting married and it's crushing my mom. My dad is a bitter old man now, he's been crushed in the worst way, and despite the heartbreak I've had in my young life (I'm 28), I can't imagine going through what my dad did as I consider it to be my worst fear and very well may prevent me from ever getting married someday.

Moral of the story is that people are cruel. Things that most of us could never do to someone else because it's so mean and we'd feel tremendous guilt are second nature to others. Some people will use someone that they know feels strongly for them, whether it's for personal or monetary gain, or for emotional reasons. I've been crushed by people who do both. Marriage is a joke, a sham, those of you who didn't get officially married had it right. And the government has no right to force me to compensate someone else for their choice to leave me. I will spiritually marry someone possibly, but never legally. It's too big a risk for a man as he stands to lose everything if the marriage goes bad.

Reading many of these stories has just reinforced my view of the world and marriage. Thank you all for sharing, despite how sick and sad the marriage realm really is.

[mir86]

Originally Posted by Capt. Dan

If he has just 1 brain cell he will understand what a very lucky man he is!

well, just 2 weeks before he ended it with me, he told my best friend over the phone "I'm so lucky. she's beautiful, I don't know why she would want someone like me". so he actually has -10 brain cells for dumping someone he thought that way about. but I'm used to it..my ex told people we knew that he was thinking about marrying ME..even told me after our first break up..yet he dumped me anyways. At least I can use the excuse on him that at the time he was barely 22 years old. this last guy..he's 28..no excuse at all. men!