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It's already been said right here. She's germ phobic. I would be offended if she does that only when visiting me, but if she does that everywhere she goes, then that's just how it is. Respect her preference and move on.
A sickness is a sickness. It's nothing personal. It's too bad to have a conflict over a sickness. The heathly person needs to learn to adjust. If a person has a phobia, the healthy person needs to adjust.
it's the same thing when a person is allergic to cats, the good people would remove their cats temporarily from that person's presence, to accommodate him.
or if a person is disabled and needs much more space to occupy than other people, the other people would accommodate...
Here's the thing, though, about emotional and behavioral disorders and disabilities. People who have them still need to learn compensatory strategies in order to function in a socially appropriate manner, for their own independence. You can only function so independently in society if you cannot manage to find a way to adhere to social norms, or at least approximate them.
If you have psychological or emotional limitations that prevent you from functioning in a way that's pragmatically appropriate, it's really necessary to figure out strategies to combat that. I teach special education, and work with individuals who have disorders that require identifying and employing such compensatory strategies, because that's how you function independently in the world. It's not just a matter of "the healthy person needs to adjust." The healthy person may well need to employ patience (as they do with anybody who struggles to maintain appropriate behavior), but the onus is also on the individual with the disorder or disability to effectively learn and use accommodations, so that they may employ socially appropriate methods of interaction, to the best of their abilities. Otherwise, you risk alienating yourself from the world as a whole.
Say you have debilitating OCD, and cannot tolerate eating food where you don't have oversight regarding the preparation methods/cleanliness, etc. The socially appropriate thing to do would be to either have your son and his wife and kids over for dinner, where you get to have that modicum of control, or to go to their house, but offer to bring dinner for everyone. The socially appropriate thing would NOT be to accept an invitation to be a guest at someone's house for a meal they are providing, and bring your own prepared food and table setting. It doesn't matter your limitations, that's not the way to handle them. It's offensive and inappropriate, regardless of the reason.
If I work with a kid with autism, and that kid has no social filter and will walk up to a person and say, "You have a big, ugly nose and I don't like that I can see your nose hairs when I stand near you," that's not his fault. But it IS his responsibility to learn rote social cues and learn, since it doesn't come naturally to him, that those aren't things you say to people if you want to function in a socially acceptable manner in the world. You learn what is and isn't appropriate, even if you have barriers that prevent that knowledge from coming easily or naturally.
I just had a friend call me and she said she felt kind of bad about calling me since I had been so sick recently . Well anyway she was talking about how her in laws treat her while in her home . Whenever they have a family gathering in her home , the in laws bring all their own utensils , paper plates and cups and they also bring their own food . In other words she feels shunned by them and I cannot imagine having to deal with ppl like that . She has talked to her husband about it and he says his mother is a germa phobe and she cannot help it . I think that is so rude and frankly if my inlaws treated me like that , they would be told that they are not welcome in my home . my inlaws are great by the way and i just love my mil cause she taught my husband really well and how to be good to a wife .How would all of you handle this ?
Please understand being a germaphobe is a very very VERY difficult thing. I would handle it by making sure I do my best to assure everything is clean and possibly talk to her to ask her what I could do to make her feel more at ease.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
Here's the thing, though, about emotional and behavioral disorders and disabilities. People who have them still need to learn compensatory strategies in order to function in a socially appropriate manner, for their own independence. You can only function so independently in society if you cannot manage to find a way to adhere to social norms, or at least approximate them.
If you have psychological or emotional limitations that prevent you from functioning in a way that's pragmatically appropriate, it's really necessary to figure out strategies to combat that.
I understand what you are saying, but this woman could be at a point in her life where she isn't ready or able to get help. It's not always so easy to get help. It seems she is trying to meet people half-way by going and yet taking her own "safe" items.
This is also family we are talking about, the people who are supposed to know you better then anyone. Family usually compensates for each other out of loving understanding.
Last edited by Alyx_Vance; 10-28-2011 at 03:56 PM..
First of all I do not understand why the DIL wasn't made aware of the germaphobia up until this point. The fact that her husband is just telling her now indicates that something is missing from the story or there is definitely a lack of communication in that family.
But more importantly, the MIL's mistake was not discussing this with her DIL beforehand. If I were the DIL the utensils and food wouldn't bother me, but the fact that my MIL didn't want to work with me to figure out how I could make her feel more relaxed in my home would.
I would take a germaphobe over my MIL, who is a passive aggressive B*****... My DH's birthday is a month and half before mine. Every year she sends my DH a birthday card with a check for a pretty good sum of money and writes in the card, "this is for you only." We have been married 14 years, have dated over 20 years. In 20 years the witch could not figure what day my birthday is, or time the arrival of my DH's card a few days before or a few days after my birthday. And this pales in comparison to other things that she has done in the past. I will take someone not eating my food, or off my plates, over my MIL any day of the week.
I would take a germaphobe over my MIL, who is a passive aggressive B*****... My DH's birthday is a month and half before mine. Every year she sends my DH a birthday card with a check for a pretty good sum of money and writes in the card, "this is for you only." We have been married 14 years, have dated over 20 years. In 20 years the witch could not figure what day my birthday is, or time the arrival of my DH's card a few days before or a few days after my birthday. And this pales in comparison to other things that she has done in the past. I will take someone not eating my food, or off my plates, over my MIL any day of the week.
From the tone of this post, I cant say I blame her for adding the "for you only" on checks for her son
From the tone of this post, I cant say I blame her for adding the "for you only" on checks for her son
She sends the card on my birthday...
You want more:
- My Dh is in the military. When I got pregnant with my son, my DH took out a $1 million life insurance policy on himself with my son and I as co-beneficiaries. My MIL asked my DH to remove my son as a beneficiary and add her, because, "Why would a 9 month old need a million dollars?" She straight up asked why my SIL was not a beneficiary instead of my son.
- My son was diagnosed with autism. At 3 years old he was non-verbal. My MIL told me that the only reason we got him diagnosed was to get attention. And that I was mentally ill and a horrible mother. He was NON VERBAL.
- I'm Native American, I'm pale for my race. My DS has my DH's coloring. My DD has my great grandmother's coloring (darker). My MIL insisted that my DH get a DNA test for both kids, after saying that both children look just like DH. This was in front of me.
- My DH was gone recently for a training TDY. I put 500-600 miles a week on my car taking my DS to therapies throughout the city. My car was a 2000 Station Wagon with over 200K miles on it. It started to break down, repairing it would cost more than it was worth, so my DH told me to go pick out a new car. I picked out a new car, he bought it for me. MIL had a COW. She says, "what does she need a new car for?"
- If I tell her that I'm getting the kids x, y, and z for Christmas, she will buy the same gifts as me, and give them to the kids for their birthdays (right before Christmas).
- She has a fit that my children like my mom better than her. My mom works with children. They gravitate towards her. My MIL does not express that she likes children. Any "I love yous," sound very contrived and forced. My mom spends a ton of time with my kids, my MIL does not. My mom does things with my kids, my MIL buys them things.
- She often will poop and pee herself, I think it's an attention thing, as she only does it when DH is around. The last time she visited, I was walking in the hallway getting ready in the morning to take my DS to therapy. She says, "since you are doing laundry" (I was not doing laundry), "here." And shoves poop-filled underwear at me. I told her, "the washer's right there." She says, "I don't know how to work it." FTR she does her OWN laundry at home and we have the same washer/dryer (because she buys the same thing that DH buys ALL THE TIME). Oh and then she pooped all over the bathroom, at first she wanted me to clean it up, I'm like nope, I clean up after an unpotty trained child (oh yeah, she wanted me to tell DS that she poops her pants too, so not being potty trained is OK), your capable of cleaning up after yourself. I hand her a bottle of bleach and paper towels. She squirts the bleach all over herself, and has a hissy fit, that I got her favorite shirt ruined, because she is not capable of using a spray bottle of bleach. She lives by herself and is capable of doing things on her own. The minute she crosses my threshold she becomes and gets near her son, she is extremely needy. And she fawns over him, like she had oedipus relationship with him. It's disgusting.
So yeah, in the grand scheme of things, I would love it if the only thing my MIL did to bug me would be the bring her own food.
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