I knew I loved him and there were so many times I just wanted to tell him, just shout it out. Instead, I drew it back in, just as quickly as I could. He had to tell me first, I kept telling myself. I had decided that every time I thought with my heart I got hurt. Every time I let someone know I loved them I opened myself up to a world of hurt and pain and I was done with that. I couldn't do it again.
Time and time again we lay there in the darkness as he rubs my hair and face and gives me gentle little kisses. Before long we will fall asleep. I am drinking in every part of his face that the small amount of light will allow. Every once in a while his eyes open and he catches me and smiles. His eyes close once again.
I trace the outline of his face just along the hairline, circling his ear, coming down the jaw line. Moving my hand up just a bit, I run my finger along his eyebrow. I cannot help but touch him. I want to tell him so badly but I know I cannot. What if he doesn't feel the same? What if he thinks I am crazy? What if I end up just getting hurt?
He whispers good night sweetie in my ear and gives me one last kiss. I say good night and close my eyes, wondering what in the world is wrong with me.
I already know whats wrong with me, as I begin to drift away to another world. I went through years of a terrible marriage. Then another relationship where my blinders were up and no matter what every one else told me, it didn't matter. All I knew was he was everything I never had and I thought he was everything I always wanted.
Slowly but surely the blinders came down and they were all right.. It took a lot to realize it, and I even left and went back, but finally I got it.
I decided anyone else, unfortunately, would have to be looked at in a different perspective by myself, and maybe others.
After many dates I decided he was too good to be true. Something had to be wrong. I broke it off with him. This was well before the time I am talking about above. I was miserable. I didn't need him, I told myself. I even went out on a date, which was terrible, to further verify I didn't even want him.
I know I am right, I told myself. I'll go on this date and all will be fine. I will forget about him and that will be that. It wasn't. It only verified that I did want him. I sat next to this man listening to his moaning and groaning about this and that and all I could think about was him......
I told him this story last night, hoping it wouldn't make him upset. I asked if he was and he said no, we weren't together. I'm just glad you were wrong.....
I sat across from him in a Mexican restaurant just smiling at him.... "Me too" I said.....
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There are times that I find myself driving a lonely road. It is a two and a half hour drive that I take on my own. It is a perfect time of reflection. Getting within my own mind and evaluating. I think of my long ago past, because I have just been reminded of it. I think about that husband and the terrible times. I bring myself to a not so very distant past now. Not the best either. Now I come to the short term past and it is wonderful.
It isn't that kind of wonderful that I thought I had with my old 'blinder' boyfriend. It is the feeling of normal, everyday life. It has been my dream to just live a normal life. To be loved, as well as to love.
As I drove down that road in the total darkness, only meeting another car every five minutes or so, I was lost so deep in these thoughts.
Then there is him. The thought of him makes me smile tremendously as I drive along, but there are also a few tears rolling down my cheek. I think of us up until now. I think of all the times I have run up to him after not having seen him for several days and giving him the biggest hug on the earth! Squeezing him so tight I never wanna let go.... I release him and he gives me that familiar "Hey you" combined with that sweet smile and a kiss.
I have no idea how I must look at that point, smiling and crying. I take a picture. Interesting. I take many pictures of many things throughout the day, one of those things myself. It's almost like cataloging my life on a day to day basis.
I think of all the nights of those sweet touches and kisses and good nights. I am torn in two. I know that I love him. I am quite sure he loves me. What do I do? My brain has overridden my heart. I won't say it! I just can't!
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