U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-01-2011, 09:10 AM
 
6 posts, read 6,411 times
Reputation: 23

Advertisements

Twenty years ago, I was 32 years old, single, slim and felt really good about myself. At 52, my weight is now an issue as I am 5' 9" and weigh 180 pounds...which is apparently due to issues surrounding my being raped when I was 35...and I am still working hard to get around those issues. Anyways, 20 years ago, I dated a man who was extremely attractive to me, airline pilot, former Marine. Our relationship was amazing, but my mother took ill, and I had to move out of state back home to help take care of her. That relationship drifted away slowly, and it was hard. I am now back in Atlanta, and I have been talking to my ex on the phone, text messages and emails...it has been so exciting to me because he is single now, too...we plan on getting together tomorrow night for a first date, but just now on the phone, he said that he is so excited to see me, as long as I haven't gotten fat. I was stunned .... `I don't want to see him now...it would hurt me too much...that one comment indicates to me that he is not interested in who I am, but what I am. I need some advice on what to say to him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-01-2011, 09:17 AM
 
Location: FLG/PHX/MKE
7,288 posts, read 13,502,647 times
Reputation: 11576
Tell him that you are on the heavy side and you don't think it's a good idea.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-01-2011, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Canada
9,076 posts, read 8,347,641 times
Reputation: 19437
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaki1958 View Post
Twenty years ago, I was 32 years old, single, slim and felt really good about myself. At 52, my weight is now an issue as I am 5' 9" and weigh 180 pounds...which is apparently due to issues surrounding my being raped when I was 35...and I am still working hard to get around those issues. Anyways, 20 years ago, I dated a man who was extremely attractive to me, airline pilot, former Marine. Our relationship was amazing, but my mother took ill, and I had to move out of state back home to help take care of her. That relationship drifted away slowly, and it was hard. I am now back in Atlanta, and I have been talking to my ex on the phone, text messages and emails...it has been so exciting to me because he is single now, too...we plan on getting together tomorrow night for a first date, but just now on the phone, he said that he is so excited to see me, as long as I haven't gotten fat. I was stunned .... `I don't want to see him now...it would hurt me too much...that one comment indicates to me that he is not interested in who I am, but what I am. I need some advice on what to say to him.
Wow. I would tell him you're not interested in meeting up with someone so shallow. I wouldn't even offer up that you've gained a few pounds.

By the way, 180 may be technically be just into the "overweight" range if you're calculating BMI, but someone 5' 9" and 180 is hardly obese/heavy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-01-2011, 09:32 AM
 
6 posts, read 6,411 times
Reputation: 23
Thank you. Although my weight is a personal issue with me, I am very concerned about someone I was so close to years ago and knows who I am to offer that stipulation. I want to respond to him in a way that he will understand how shallow I think he is without being rude and saying it outright...I think even if I still weighed 120 pounds, I would still not want to see him with that said.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-01-2011, 12:45 PM
 
4,953 posts, read 8,541,059 times
Reputation: 2067
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaki1958 View Post
Thank you. Although my weight is a personal issue with me, I am very concerned about someone I was so close to years ago and knows who I am to offer that stipulation. I want to respond to him in a way that he will understand how shallow I think he is without being rude and saying it outright...I think even if I still weighed 120 pounds, I would still not want to see him with that said.
You are not considered fat at 5'9 180. Actually, that's a good look!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-01-2011, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,551,127 times
Reputation: 39866
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaki1958 View Post
Twenty years ago, I was 32 years old, single, slim and felt really good about myself. At 52, my weight is now an issue as I am 5' 9" and weigh 180 pounds...which is apparently due to issues surrounding my being raped when I was 35...and I am still working hard to get around those issues. Anyways, 20 years ago, I dated a man who was extremely attractive to me, airline pilot, former Marine. Our relationship was amazing, but my mother took ill, and I had to move out of state back home to help take care of her. That relationship drifted away slowly, and it was hard. I am now back in Atlanta, and I have been talking to my ex on the phone, text messages and emails...it has been so exciting to me because he is single now, too...we plan on getting together tomorrow night for a first date, but just now on the phone, he said that he is so excited to see me, as long as I haven't gotten fat. I was stunned .... `I don't want to see him now...it would hurt me too much...that one comment indicates to me that he is not interested in who I am, but what I am. I need some advice on what to say to him.
I am so sorry for what you have been through and how horrible it must have been for you

I do hope you are undergoing some kind of therapy to help you deal with the emotional trauma of being raped?

If you haven't sought help, then do consider contacting the wonderful organization called RAINN. The Online Hotline | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

As far as your old flame...are you sure he wasn't making a bad joke? Sometimes when people are nervous they make an attempt at being funny which often falls flat.

I'd be willing to bet that he's had some body changes in the last 20 years too and is no longer what he once was in the looks department

Before you completely blow him off and walk away from this reunion, give him a call and be honest with him about how you are feeling about what he said.

My hunch is that he will be mortified that he has embarrassed himself this way and really sorry for it too.

You have nothing to lose by at least trying to sort this out and potentially everything to gain!

Best of luck
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-01-2011, 01:16 PM
 
Location: USA
1,589 posts, read 1,733,576 times
Reputation: 1630
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaki1958 View Post
Twenty years ago, I was 32 years old, single, slim and felt really good about myself. At 52, my weight is now an issue as I am 5' 9" and weigh 180 pounds...which is apparently due to issues surrounding my being raped when I was 35...and I am still working hard to get around those issues. Anyways, 20 years ago, I dated a man who was extremely attractive to me, airline pilot, former Marine. Our relationship was amazing, but my mother took ill, and I had to move out of state back home to help take care of her. That relationship drifted away slowly, and it was hard. I am now back in Atlanta, and I have been talking to my ex on the phone, text messages and emails...it has been so exciting to me because he is single now, too...we plan on getting together tomorrow night for a first date, but just now on the phone, he said that he is so excited to see me, as long as I haven't gotten fat. I was stunned .... `I don't want to see him now...it would hurt me too much...that one comment indicates to me that he is not interested in who I am, but what I am. I need some advice on what to say to him.
While most people probably HOPE that the other party did not change too much for the worst, I think it's very rude to actually come out and say it.

Yes, we are shallow. And we can't help it. Well, because we can't always be attracted who doesn't look attractive to us. But to say it...

Are you sure you even want to deal with this person? Is he really that great?
And besides, lots of good looking guys begin to look pretty bad when they age

If you think he is a really great person and someone you don't want to lose, you should be straight and explain what your problem is.

But if he is not someone who you REALLY want to see in your future, if it was me, I would just tell him that I've thought about "us" and decided it was not a good idea.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with admitting to him that you are overweight, but for me it would be same as "putting myself in a vulnerable position" or having a blow to my ego by admitting to someone that I don't look good in person. So why do it for someone who is not worth it?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-01-2011, 01:45 PM
 
6 posts, read 6,411 times
Reputation: 23
Very nice of you to say. Thank you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-01-2011, 01:46 PM
 
6 posts, read 6,411 times
Reputation: 23
I was never expecting such profound responses on this site. Thank you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-01-2011, 01:55 PM
 
Location: Bellingham, WA
9,745 posts, read 14,187,609 times
Reputation: 14796
I agree that does seem like an awfully shallow thing to say. But maybe the guy meant it half-joking. Later he may have realized it wasn't the smartest thing to say. Or maybe he's just an idiot now. Who knows? I'd call him before the date and tell him exactly how you feel about it. At best, he realizes he was insensitive, the date goes fine, etc. At worst he actually is as shallow as his comment, and in that case you're probably better off in the long run.

But I'll also echo those who said that, for your height, 180 pounds isn't fat. You're pretty tall, and you mentioned at one time weighing only 120 pounds. Most petite girls I've known (5'-5'3" or so) were 105-120 pounds, and they looked just right. If anything it sounds like you were probably very thin at your old weight. But I'd call him back before deciding for sure not to meet him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top