What to do when BF/SO resents your parents? (dating, boyfriend, love)
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So I've been dating my bf for over a year now. We hang out with my parents about once a week. I spend time between his place and my parents house (while in the process of saving money for my own place I'm 25). Over the months he has become highly resentful towards my parents, does not like talking to them, spending time with them or being around my house.
I have told him about my childhood and the particulars of why I am the way I am ( dont want children, don’t believe in marriage, can be cold and insensitive, distant etc.), and he tells me the more he spends time with them, the more he can understand where I get these traits from.
He can see that my mother (for whatever reason) is resentful and highly competitive with me. She's opinionated and snappy and short tempered. My father also has a very short fuse.
The thing he says most bothers him is the fact that they seem oblivious to their short-comings. Often making comments about how they cant understand why I did XYZ when I was younger or cant understand how my brother ended up in rehab and eventually prison. "We gave them everything" (monetarily speaking).
I guess I have somehow blocked out a lot of what they have done...but he is still in the position of caring for me and therefore resenting them. He does say a lot of negative things. Has anyone ever dealt with this stiuation?
Should I just try to keep those two lives seperate from eachother? With the holidays appraoching I'm a bit conflicted.
So I've been dating my bf for over a year now. We hang out with my parents about once a week. I spend time between his place and my parents house (while in the process of saving money for my own place I'm 25). Over the months he has become highly resentful towards my parents, does not like talking to them, spending time with them or being around my house.
I have told him about my childhood and the particulars of why I am the way I am ( dont want children, don’t believe in marriage, can be cold and insensitive, distant etc.), and he tells me the more he spends time with them, the more he can understand where I get these traits from.
He can see that my mother (for whatever reason) is resentful and highly competitive with me. She's opinionated and snappy and short tempered. My father also has a very short fuse.
The thing he says most bothers him is the fact that they seem oblivious to their short-comings. Often making comments about how they cant understand why I did XYZ when I was younger or cant understand how my brother ended up in rehab and eventually prison. "We gave them everything" (monetarily speaking).
I guess I have somehow blocked out a lot of what they have done...but he is still in the position of caring for me and therefore resenting them. He does say a lot of negative things. Has anyone ever dealt with this stiuation?
Should I just try to keep those two lives seperate from eachother? With the holidays appraoching I'm a bit conflicted.
Life is filled with little compromises. Both of you need to learn this fact.
As somebody with difficult in-laws (Heck, my own family is no picnic, either), you first need to understand how weird your own parents and family life might be to an outsider. Obviously, there are weird dysfunctions in your parents that just unnerve the boyfriend. He can only take it in limited doses.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, needs to understand that these people are part of your life. That means he needs to grow up and deal. You don't always get to spend 100% of your time with wonderful people. A mature person knows this.
Here's what you do. Plan on spending the holiday with the folks with boyfriend in tow, but build in lots of breaks from the fam. Say anything, including that you're going to visit friends, etc. Then it becomes a lot more palatable. MrsCPG's family loves to sit in the house for days on end watching television and complaining about the government, and cannot understand why anyone would ever want to leave the house.
It took her years to understand that I would get cabin fever after two days, which explained how I would burn rubber out their driveway á la Dukes of Hazzard when it came time to drive home again. Now, we program in a couple of outings during our long holiday weekend and I am a happy camper.
My best advice would be to re-read cpg35223, post #2. I don't think you will get better advice. As an outsider it isn't easy to put up with the odd quirks you run into when dealing with a SO's family. Your SO is probably blind, or doesn't want to see these quirks because they have lived with them. Some times you have to take in-laws (and out-laws) in small doses, if you require more of your boyfriend, you may lose him.
My best advice would be to re-read cpg35223, post #2. I don't think you will get better advice. As an outsider it isn't easy to put up with the odd quirks you run into when dealing with a SO's family. Your SO is probably blind, or doesn't want to see these quirks because they have lived with them. Some times you have to take in-laws (and out-laws) in small doses, if you require more of your boyfriend, you may lose him.
Alright there's a little bit of confusion. My bf is the one who doesnt like my prarents. I am actually okay with him not wanting to see them. In fact once I have enough money to move out I will probably cut all ties with them myself. Its just the day-in day-out comments that bother me most.
To clarify he's the one who doesnt like my family. They are super nice to him. He holds their/my past against them though, and judges them based off that. Not based on his first-hand experiences.
Alright there's a little bit of confusion. My bf is the one who doesnt like my prarents. I am actually okay with him not wanting to see him. In fact once I have enough money to move out I will probably cut all ties with them myself. Its just the day-in day-out comments that bother me most.
To clarify he's the one who doesnt like my family. They are super nice to him. He holds their/my past against them though, and judges them based off that. Not based on his first0hand experiences.
Great. Another "My parents are terrible people to me. I'm moving out when I don't need them anymore to pay for my food, clothing, shelter, tuition, car, books, cable TV, and high-speed internet connection" thread.
Great. Another "My parents are terrible people to me. I'm moving out when I don't need them anymore to pay for my food, clothing, shelter, tuition, car, books, cable TV, and high-speed internet connection" thread.
I was going to chime in on your post but after reading her next response...lost interest. oh well best of luck OP!
What are you most bothered by? Your boyfriend's resentful comments or spending time with your parents? If his comments bother you then you should tell him that although you understand why he resents your parents, you are uncomfortable with his constant criticisms. Hopefully he is sensitive enough to refrain from constantly badmouthing your parents.
As for keeping your family life and romantic life separate, it depends. Is it too much for your boyfriend to bear spending a day with your parents without saying negative things later? Since you said your parents are perfectly nice to your boyfriend, then the least he could do is behave civilly to them.
Great. Another "My parents are terrible people to me. I'm moving out when I don't need them anymore to pay for my food, clothing, shelter, tuition, car, books, cable TV, and high-speed internet connection" thread.
And don't forget this nugget:
I have told him about my childhood and the particulars of why I am the way I am ( dont want children, don’t believe in marriage, can be cold and insensitive, distant etc.), and he tells me the more he spends time with them, the more he can understand where I get these traits from.
In other words, all of my faults/quirks cannot be corrected and are my parents' fault.
Yes...I too think that your boyfriend (out of respect for you) should at least be civil to your parents when-ever he's there......I also agree with Cindy_Jole that you should tell your boyfriend that you would rather not hear criticisms about your parents....just tell him if he has nothing nice to say, then he should say nothing at all.....though in all likely-hood his comments are the result of the confessions that you've made to him about the way they brought you up.
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