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Old 11-10-2011, 02:49 AM
yog yog started this thread
 
Location: Philly suburb
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I recently quit smoking, started eating healthier, and exercising. Now my longtime girlfriend doesn't trust me anymore. She doesn't think that I'm cheating but she thinks It's just a matter of time. I can't reassure her enough to make her feel better. Anybody have any suggestions?
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Old 11-10-2011, 03:34 AM
 
Location: Harrisonburg, VA
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What does quitting smoking have to do with your g/f not trusting you? In fact what do any of the things you mentioned have to do with lack of trust. I don't get it.
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Old 11-10-2011, 03:36 AM
 
Location: Rutherfordton,NC
14,409 posts, read 9,091,615 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yog View Post
I recently quit smoking, started eating healthier, and exercising. Now my longtime girlfriend doesn't trust me anymore. She doesn't think that I'm cheating but she thinks It's just a matter of time. I can't reassure her enough to make her feel better. Anybody have any suggestions?

I've seen this happen before men/women make a choice to start living better by eating better & such then thier partner starts to wonder why. My ex wife did this too me as well. I saw that I was gaining weight & wanted to get back into shape, she thought the same thing I let her think that for a while hoping she would see that she was being silly. I tried to explain to her that it was slowly killing me. It got out of hand & finlly I told her that if she thinks I'm cheating then she should leave. After a couple of days she got over it & saw how silly she was acting.

She's either going to trust you or she isn't. If you've been seeing her for a while she should know better.
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Old 11-10-2011, 05:02 AM
 
916 posts, read 1,766,180 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yog View Post
I recently quit smoking, started eating healthier, and exercising. Now my longtime girlfriend doesn't trust me anymore. She doesn't think that I'm cheating but she thinks It's just a matter of time. I can't reassure her enough to make her feel better. Anybody have any suggestions?
Tell her, "I'm taking better care of myself physically because you deserve a boyfriend who looks better than I do right now."
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Old 11-10-2011, 05:06 AM
 
3,060 posts, read 7,164,091 times
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My first husband used to think I was cheating every time I bought new knickers

OP - as long as you don't think it's projection (and she's the one actually cheating - which as I eventually found out was the case in my situation!) just focus on what you are doing - getting healthier and being the best you you can be. Meanwhile, continue doing everything you already do to show your partner that you love her and are committed to her - there's not much else you can do really.
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Old 11-10-2011, 05:46 AM
 
Location: Corydon, IN
3,684 posts, read 4,287,512 times
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OP,


Trust is one of those strange things. On one hand it could be that your GF is, as suggested, projecting. It happens, and means bad things.

BUT on the other hand, she could have something in her past that makes her sensitive to such issues. Perhaps someone in her past did such a thing and it preceded an incident of stepping out, so that she's made an association.


I'm sorry, no clear-cut answers for you.

However, assuming the best, then your safest bet is to DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU with regard to your health (I know from awful experience what it means to be with someone who controls your time and takes away from your workouts as a means of control) and hope for the best. It can also help if you just increase your level of intimacy with her a bit (not saying you're doing anything wrong at all, just adding a little balm to her insecurity).

HOWEVER, I do have to ask:


Is she also heavier and out of shape? If so, then what she fears is you'll get in shape while she remains the same, and then you'll become displeased with her and realize you "can do better". It's a more common notion than you might readily believe.

Food for thought.
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Old 11-10-2011, 05:52 AM
 
2,495 posts, read 3,640,904 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch View Post
OP,


Trust is one of those strange things. On one hand it could be that your GF is, as suggested, projecting. It happens, and means bad things.

BUT on the other hand, she could have something in her past that makes her sensitive to such issues. Perhaps someone in her past did such a thing and it preceded an incident of stepping out, so that she's made an association.


I'm sorry, no clear-cut answers for you.

However, assuming the best, then your safest bet is to DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU with regard to your health (I know from awful experience what it means to be with someone who controls your time and takes away from your workouts as a means of control) and hope for the best. It can also help if you just increase your level of intimacy with her a bit (not saying you're doing anything wrong at all, just adding a little balm to her insecurity).

HOWEVER, I do have to ask:


Is she also heavier and out of shape? If so, then what she fears is you'll get in shape while she remains the same, and then you'll become displeased with her and realize you "can do better". It's a more common notion than you might readily believe.

Food for thought.
Also my suspicion!
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Old 11-10-2011, 06:41 AM
 
Location: The Mitten
800 posts, read 1,116,634 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by penguin_kernel View Post
What does quitting smoking have to do with your g/f not trusting you? In fact what do any of the things you mentioned have to do with lack of trust. I don't get it.
These are a lot of changes to sort out.

When my brother and his wife were trying for a baby, the doctor gave her a drug and told her she would lose weight. Now, I don't think she's over weight at all, maybe a little but I have seen her clean herself up and she just looked amazing. Anyways, there were "other" things, too, that would "improve" with her, so me and a few friends joked that she, after taking these pills, would turn into Cindy Crawford (sp?).

@OP; I wouldn't dwell on her feelings all too much. She might feel like the changes are too much and really just wants you to be who you are. Some changes, even for the better, are hard to sort out. Do something for her spontaneous. Give her something more concrete to let her know that the relationship is still there.
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Old 11-10-2011, 06:58 AM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
8,927 posts, read 13,680,252 times
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She obviously has some insecurities. Unfortunately, that's her problem and there's not much you can do if reassurance isn't helping. If she's unhappy with her own appearance, encourage her to join you in exercising and eating healthier. Sometimes, having a partner in the same boat can be a great support and getting in shape will boost her self esteem. If that doesn't work, all you can do is suggest some self help books or therapy to help her overcome her insecurities. But ultimately, it's not something you can "fix" for her, she has to do it herself and if she's not willing to do so, she will only continue not to trust you.

The ironic thing is that many people like this will wind up driving their partner away because the partner gets so sick of constantly being suspected of something, especially if it gets to the degree of snooping and controlling behavior. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, if they'd just been secure in their relationship, their partner probably never would have left them but because they fear it so much, they wind up causing it.
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Old 11-10-2011, 07:37 AM
 
Location: US
5,144 posts, read 10,862,795 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yog View Post
I recently quit smoking, started eating healthier, and exercising. Now my longtime girlfriend doesn't trust me anymore. She doesn't think that I'm cheating but she thinks It's just a matter of time. I can't reassure her enough to make her feel better. Anybody have any suggestions?
Its just one of those cliche reg flags for a man wanting to or being in an affair.
That is why she is freaking out.
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