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Wife makes a nice salary and I'm on SS/Early Retirement and both go into one banking acct. Basically, I don't buy anything without discussing it with her first. As for me, I've never had a problem putting money I get into the combined acct and sharing it with my wife. In an "old fashioned way" that is what marriage is about, but many couples don't see it that way.
Now, my brother and his wife have separate accts because she wants to tithe more to the church than he does.
We know another couple who now have separate accounts since the wife started getting SS/Early Retirement. She says that that money is for travel when they need to, but we don't think her husband likes the idea of her having that "side money".
See the highlighted text sounds really awful or may be its just me. I mean what if he decides to cut back on spending...may be his employment status is a bit hazy..would you then check in? or is that also grounds for a divorce?
If you had read my last paragraph I addressed that. I'm not a spender, I'm pretty thrifty and I manage the household expenses. If I went out and purchased myself a $400 purse because I wanted to, we wouldn't be eating that well for a few weeks. I was referencing more to everyday expenses or an occasional new pair of jeans or a sweater.
My point was, we made the decision for me to stay home together. If all of a sudden he decided that I needed to ask permission to get the kids a few clothing items for the winter or to replace a broken toaster I would ABSOLUTELY have issue with that.
Also, HE doesn't decide to cut back on spending...WE do. We make those decisions together.
If he started treating me like less than an equal, it just would not sit well wit me AT ALL.
Say your spouse is a homemaker and you are the one bringing in the entire paycheck... what level of discretionary spending by your spouse (on his/her personal wants) do you consider acceptable? Is it a percent of your total discretionary income or do you usually have a $ value in mind? Does your non-earning spouse ask you for permission above a certain $ value? What kind of arrangement do you guys have?
How do you balance it out with your spending...say there is a situation where both of you want something for $X but there is only money for one of you to get that thing...you being the earning spouse do you feel that you should get preference to have it and that your partner should defer his/her purchase?
When you marry you are supposed to become a team and act as one unit.
This means you make joint decisions on how you will live.
The "earning spouse" may be putting more dollars in the bank, but neither they, nor their "preferences", are more important than the spouse who may be raising the family or working for a lot less money.
The minute a higher earning spouse starts thinking that way is the minute he begins to undermine his marriage and doom it to failure.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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The way I would want it to work with my wife is all bills are paid first NO EXCEPTIONS, then we would discuss any discretionary purchase over a specific amount of money.
From all these discussions a few things have become clear:
- If you are the sole earning person marrying someone without any income you will have to make a HUGE sacrifice with the freedoms you are used to as a single person (this may be an obvious thing but I say it because some people "settle" for a mediocre marriage just to be married but this can backfire much worse if there is a huge financial gap in addition to other problems with the marriage)
- Making such a sacrifice means that you better be getting a partner who is rocking your world in some other non-monetary way and picking up in areas like housework etc.
- One needs to make sure that the person you are marrying isn't going to financially run you into the ground, so financial habits need to be similar
- Marry someone financially unequal ONLY if they are ABSOLUTELY CRAZY about you and vice versa, anything less is not acceptable and just not worth the sacrifices a sole income earner has to make for the union.
Is this above a reasonable assessment in a very financially unequal partnership?
The money is direct deposited into our joint account. Bills are all paid, a certain amount goes into several different savings accounts we have (401, vacation acct, savings, money market). Whatever is leftover we use for whatever we need at the time. There is no amount of discretionary spending money for anyone. When one of us needs something, we buy it. If it something that cost a large sum of money, I ask him or he asks me, hey, do we have enough money for me to purchse this? Then we check our accounts and usually go buy it.
It's really simple, if you're in a real marriage.
Yup. My husband is the main breadwinner and I handle all of our finances. Any big purchases we discuss together. After every paycheck deposit, I transfer money to pay our credit cards and I transfer money into the checking account that is strictly for our mortgage and home owner's association fees. The money left in our checking account is what we live on for the week. If we are running low in our checking account - I let my husband know. We have lots of money in savings and I make sure we always have about 2 months mortgage in our mortgage checking account. My husband would never put me on an allowance or tell me how much I can spend. I am always aware of how much money we have and how much I can afford to spend. Also, I don't like spending a lot of money. My husband calls me cheap!
This works for us. When you get married - you need to find something that works for you. It's not the same for everyone. Our system works for us. It's never been difficult.
Say your spouse is a homemaker and you are the one bringing in the entire paycheck... what level of discretionary spending by your spouse (on his/her personal wants) do you consider acceptable? Is it a percent of your total discretionary income or do you usually have a $ value in mind? Does your non-earning spouse ask you for permission above a certain $ value? What kind of arrangement do you guys have?
How do you balance it out with your spending...say there is a situation where both of you want something for $X but there is only money for one of you to get that thing...you being the earning spouse do you feel that you should get preference to have it and that your partner should defer his/her purchase?
Above all, HAVE A BUDGET.
Second, define what a major purchase is in terms of dollar amounts, and then agree that major purchases should be agreed to. And both parties should stick to the agreement, regardless if one is a breadwinner or not.
Third, have a sense of shared goals and negotiate if there's a difference of opinion.
From all these discussions a few things have become clear:
- If you are the sole earning person marrying someone without any income you will have to make a HUGE sacrifice with the freedoms you are used to as a single person (this may be an obvious thing but I say it because some people "settle" for a mediocre marriage just to be married but this can backfire much worse if there is a huge financial gap in addition to other problems with the marriage)
- Making such a sacrifice means that you better be getting a partner who is rocking your world in some other non-monetary way and picking up in areas like housework etc.
- One needs to make sure that the person you are marrying isn't going to financially run you into the ground, so financial habits need to be similar
- Marry someone financially unequal ONLY if they are ABSOLUTELY CRAZY about you, anything less is not acceptable and just not worth the sacrifices a sole income earner has to make for the union
Is this above a reasonable assessment in a very financially unequal partnership?
Let me ask you this - are you currently in love with someone? Because these aren't the kind of comments I would expect to see from someone who is currently in love and contemplating marriage.
My husband doesn't feel like he sacrificed anything in marrying me - we both feel like quite the opposite. When you find the right person - your whole life gets better. If you feel like you are making a huge sacrifice in getting married - then I don't think you have found the right person or maybe you just aren't ready for a relationship.
As regards to making sure that your financial habits are similar or at least compatible - I would agree.
Let me ask you this - are you currently in love with someone?
nope, not in love and never have been unfortunately. Although I did **consider** marriage with some women simply because I wanted to move onto the next phase of my life and they apparently were crazy about me and wanted to marry me so I was thinking why not...but I decided not to go through with it and broke up with them. Thinking back I am so glad I did because it would've been a disaster.
All the women I've dated have had incomes about 1/3rd or 1/4th mine so it's not like it was a problem for me to date financial unequals, but i'm super financially conservative (live about 75% below my means) and it makes me nervous to be with someone who isn't like minded in finances.
I would feel resentful if I married someone who got a huge raise in monetary status just because they married me, and now spent my money, and in turn I wasn't getting anything out of the marriage - i.e. someone who is totally crazy about me! someone who makes my life more positive instead of negative.
To be clear, every relationship I have been in has been a compromise for me, in one area or another...so I just haven't found the complete package unfortunately!
I am a SAHM. I was going to go back to my job when my maternity leave was over, but then we moved because my husband got a really good job offer, and it just seems to make more sense for me to stay home with the baby for at least a couple of years.
I really hate not making my own money. I hardly ever buy anything for myself. My husband makes good money and enough to support us all, but he has so many expenses - bills, car payment, student loans, credit cards, hospital bills etc etc - that we really don't have much left over. He tells me all the time that I can buy whatever I want, but looking at reality, I really can't do that. I eat pretty much only cereal and cheese sandwiches. I never buy anything new for myself except for an ocassional magazine. It kind of blows. I could put stuff on the our credit cards, but I don't want to increase our debt. But I have the internet, and TV, and books to entertain me so I guess I really don't need anything else.
If it came down to it though, why should the SAH partner defer to the one who works outside the home? The person at home is working too. Cleaning, doing dishes, laundry, taking complete care of the baby.
But I know those who work outside the home don't always really feel that way. My husband always tells me *I* have the most important job, raising our child. But then on the rare ocassions that we have an argument, he always brings up how he "works and pays all the bills" and so should be entitled to xyz. I can't wait for the day I am no longer stuck at home and can make my own money.
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