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In my 40's, and I was going with a great guy for seven years, but on again/off again for the last two. Without going into details, we realized that we weren't on the same page with our values and definition of a relationship. We tried being friends but for me it was disastrous because it hurt so much to see him/know he was with others.
Our last contact, he asked me if we ever had a chance to be together again (in a relationship) and I honestly told him no. I'll readily admit that some of the things that happened while we were together were dealbreakers for me, and I couldn't or can't learn to trust him again. He hung up on me, and I haven't heard from him since.
While I somewhat appreciate the finality of his action (and I have taken further action by moving out of the area), I'm having a hard time fully letting go. He's been my life for a long time, and there is a huge emptiness running through me. I fight myself literally dozens of times a day from calling or emailing him.
Before your advice, here's what you need to know that I already know: I know he hurt me deeply and I deserve better. I know I need to go out and meet people (I know NO ONE here!) but I also know I am just not ready. I am not Facebook "stalking" him or stalking him in any other way. I don't have any photos or sentimental mementos that I am crying over. And I have way too much time on my hands as I am now unemployed and too broke to go anywhere.
I just want the pain to go away F-A-S-T. I'm tired of this and sick to death of myself. I think what also hurts is there really hasn't been any "closure" to this relationship (or maybe there has and I am too dense to know it) and he has not tried to contact me in any way. That in itself is like a knife. I mean, I'd bet this hasn't affected him as it has me and he's easily moved on.
So if I didn't do anything wrong, why am I the one hurting so damn much?
7 years is 7 years -- you have to accept that you spent a good chunk of your life with him, some of it good, some of it bad. Let yourself grieve but you really will have to get out and make new friends. You say you're not ready but then you have decide when would you be ready, why aren't you ready?
If you know that meeting new people might help, then you have to ask yourself why you don't see yourself as ready to do that. Maybe you feel like wallowing for a little while longer and that's okay to do, but then stop doing that and start meeting all those new people, start finding funner things to do.
Don't worry about the closure thing for now, that can be at any point in the future, maybe 10 years even. Just put that aside, decide soon that it's time to move on with your life and fill it up.
You played too many silly games. YOU are the one who told him your relationship was completely over. When you told him that, he hung up and went on with his life. You shouldn't have said that if you didn't mean it.
What did you expect him to do? Pine away for you? Beg to get back in your life again? Some people have no problem with moving on from a dead relationship. You better learn how to do that also. Don't supress the pain. You have to experience it completely. Then, eventually, it leaves. Be accountable for your own actions though. By acknowledging and accepting your own actions in ending your relationship, you empower yourself, thus making the healing process easier.
You played too many silly games. YOU are the one who told him your relationship was completely over. When you told him that, he hung up and went on with his life. You shouldn't have said that if you didn't mean it.
What did you expect him to do? Pine away for you? Beg to get back in your life again? Some people have no problem with moving on from a dead relationship. You better learn how to do that also. Don't supress the pain. You have to experience it completely. Then, eventually, it leaves. Be accountable for your own actions though. By acknowledging and accepting your own actions in ending your relationship, you empower yourself, thus making the healing process easier.
I don't think it was silly games - once the trust is gone there really isn't much left to a relationship - staying in a relationship without trust would be a silly game I think.
I agree about accepting the pain, just like one must do with the death of a loved one. Some of the best songs, best poems are written while someone is wallowing in sadness over a lost love. In fact it could be a good time to write some poem or song and then if you realize that's not your talent, you laugh at your efforts and decide to move on.
You played too many silly games. YOU are the one who told him your relationship was completely over. When you told him that, he hung up and went on with his life. You shouldn't have said that if you didn't mean it.
What did you expect him to do? Pine away for you? Beg to get back in your life again? Some people have no problem with moving on from a dead relationship. You better learn how to do that also. Don't supress the pain. You have to experience it completely. Then, eventually, it leaves. Be accountable for your own actions though. By acknowledging and accepting your own actions in ending your relationship, you empower yourself, thus making the healing process easier.
I meant to say that a romantic relationship was over. We were still friends, but he never knew how I felt about him seeing others. No, I didn't expect him to "pine away for me" or beg, but I also didn't expect to just be completely cut off like I was a disease. And I don't feel I've played games, but I can see your points and realize this really is my fault for making him my WHOLE world and not having enough of a life to fill it with other things.
Do you have hobbies? Nows the time to throw yourself into them. If you don't, then pick one and start.
Another thing that may help from Scarlett O'Hara. When you find yourself thinking of him, stop and tell yourself you aren't going to think about that now, you'll think about it tomorrow. And keep repeating that every day.
It's just going to take time. Keep yourself busy and try not to dwell on it too much. It will take a few years to get completely over it, if you ever do. But you will be fine.
It's just going to take time. Keep yourself busy and try not to dwell on it too much. It will take a few years to get completely over it, if you ever do. But you will be fine.
Or make a couple baby steps. Just decide you will take some time out of the sadness and pining, just a little at first, and think about what you would like to do if you weren't thinking about him. Then make some time for that and you can get back to being sad and alone once it's over.
There must be some activity you've wanted to try but didn't have enough time when you were in a relationship. Ski lessons, horse riding lessons, cooking class, or academic class, a cruise or some travel. Just give a little of your time to something, it doesn't have to be much at first. Little by little he will not be your whole life.
In my 40's, and I was going with a great guy for seven years, but on again/off again for the last two. Without going into details, we realized that we weren't on the same page with our values and definition of a relationship. We tried being friends but for me it was disastrous because it hurt so much to see him/know he was with others.
Our last contact, he asked me if we ever had a chance to be together again (in a relationship) and I honestly told him no. I'll readily admit that some of the things that happened while we were together were dealbreakers for me, and I couldn't or can't learn to trust him again. He hung up on me, and I haven't heard from him since.
While I somewhat appreciate the finality of his action (and I have taken further action by moving out of the area), I'm having a hard time fully letting go. He's been my life for a long time, and there is a huge emptiness running through me. I fight myself literally dozens of times a day from calling or emailing him.
Before your advice, here's what you need to know that I already know: I know he hurt me deeply and I deserve better. I know I need to go out and meet people (I know NO ONE here!) but I also know I am just not ready. I am not Facebook "stalking" him or stalking him in any other way. I don't have any photos or sentimental mementos that I am crying over. And I have way too much time on my hands as I am now unemployed and too broke to go anywhere.
I just want the pain to go away F-A-S-T. I'm tired of this and sick to death of myself. I think what also hurts is there really hasn't been any "closure" to this relationship (or maybe there has and I am too dense to know it) and he has not tried to contact me in any way. That in itself is like a knife. I mean, I'd bet this hasn't affected him as it has me and he's easily moved on.
So if I didn't do anything wrong, why am I the one hurting so damn much?
Dragonfly
I understand what you are going through. Your feelings are normal. It makes sense that you are having difficulty letting go of your ex. We get attached to people and a love relationship is a deeper form of attachment. It takes a while to get over that and it doesn't help that you are in a place with no support system.
One of the hardest things to deal with is to see a previous ex just "forget" you like that. Like you were nothing. You ask yourself "How could he do that to me?" "Didn't I mean something?" but those thoughts will just end up making you feel bad about yourself. Now is the time to really be kind to yourself, not denigrating. You are worth a lot ... billions :-)
Breaking up is painful and your feelings will fluctuate from pain to happiness, to regret to anger, back to pain etc for a long time. It's just part of the healing process. You cannot rush it. You also don't want to suppress it because it will come out in the future, likely in a bad way.
Things you can do in the meantime is to journalize your pain. If you are not ready to go out and meet people, don't. You don't want to be depressed Nancy trying to make friends. It will repel people. Take your time. We all have our own healing timelines. Visit boards of breakup sites and read them. Read books. An excellent book which I go back to often is Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I can't speak highly of it enough.
I understand what you are going through. Your feelings are normal. It makes sense that you are having difficulty letting go of your ex. We get attached to people and a love relationship is a deeper form of attachment. It takes a while to get over that and it doesn't help that you are in a place with no support system.
One of the hardest things to deal with is to see a previous ex just "forget" you like that. Like you were nothing. You ask yourself "How could he do that to me?" "Didn't I mean something?" but those thoughts will just end up making you feel bad about yourself. Now is the time to really be kind to yourself, not denigrating. You are worth a lot ... billions :-)
Breaking up is painful and your feelings will fluctuate from pain to happiness, to regret to anger, back to pain etc for a long time. It's just part of the healing process. You cannot rush it. You also don't want to suppress it because it will come out in the future, likely in a bad way.
Things you can do in the meantime is to journalize your pain. If you are not ready to go out and meet people, don't. You don't want to be depressed Nancy trying to make friends. It will repel people. Take your time. We all have our own healing timelines. Visit boards of breakup sites and read them. Read books. An excellent book which I go back to often is Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I can't speak highly of it enough.
This is a great suggestion. Journaling/writing can be very therapeutic. Another thing (which I did a few years after my divorce when I realized I was still carrying a lot of anger) is to write him a letter that you will never mail. Just put down exactly what you are feeling as if you were telling him. Then tear it up or delete it without saving. It helps.
It takes a while to finish mourning a long-time relationship. You are also mourning something you hoped for and never got.
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