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Old 11-22-2011, 02:40 PM
 
56 posts, read 77,210 times
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Ok,

i'm anyone has the time to read all of this, god bless you. marriage troubles are always a long story. thanks for taking the time

sorry that it also carries on.



My wife and I are in the middle of a meditated divorce. We are in our mid 30's and have 2 children both 4 and under.

All in all, it has been going well. We started the mediation sessions around late August. She wanted a divorce since this past May after I demanded she tells me what she wants to do. She has never had any second thoughts since she told me what she wants. Since May we have both lived in our house and slept in our bed all the while taking care of our children. We are both very involved and great parents. It is probably the strongest point to our marriage.

Since Fall started, she has moved out, got an apt and we split time with the kids.

Now my wife and I have never had a marriage where we were ever content. We argued about respect, money, chores, and the other normal items. We both don't have any bad habits like drinking or drugs, both have been faithful. We just went in circles and nothing ever got fixed, just swept under the rug.

some personality details about us and background-

I'm a very strong person and fair. Direct and honest. smart. I give what i get back and value details and reasons in an argument. when pushed or crossed, i can be cold, spiteful, vengeful, and give out a verbal lashing. I'm not a physical person at all unless i have to be. I kinda live my life very balanced but if the line is crossed, then anything goes. I'm very protective of my kids, only trust people who prove they can be around them or watch them. I don't like when people take advantage of my kindness or strengths. Very passionite to the things in life i truely value and work hard at. Insults don't really bother me, it all depends who it's coming from. If it's a pure enemy, I will attack without mercy usually. It's not easy for me to play jesus and let things go and forgive my enemies.

My wife is tough on the surface only and very insecure underneath. She has class and loves her children very much. she's generous mostly with gifts. most people like her because she can be a good friend. She doesn't like to look stupid or of less value than others. She wants attention. she doesn't like to be cornered when she does something wrong and trys to deflect any type of accussation that comes her way. she can't come clean, show guilt, or apologize. even when she is caught redhanded, she rather lie. when she lies, she also threatens you to make you back off. she used the strengths of a woman. She's bad with money. she thinks she doesn't have to budget and doesn't have to change her lifestyle even when she can't afford it. i've always felt i've had to pay for whatever was missing in her life. it sucked. he hypocrisy is endless. she can say or do whatever she wants, but i get killed for it. she doesn't have to give reasons or explain her actions, she hates what some of her family members do but she does the same thing. she wants respect and all that goes with it but she doesn't have to give any. very immature in some ways. she pretty much puts this act up and wears this mask to hide who she really is. i've found that when she does something wrong or insults me, if i walk away and don't say anything, she will end up apologizing. if i complain at the point of contact, she'll never apologize.


we had respect/communication issues before we got married. i always said our marriage was built on love, faith, and committment. there were many opportunities to walk away but we never did. you just feel that people will mature and things would get better. since we had the kids (when life got harder) arguements changed. now they were about bills or who's leaving a mess and who's not pulling their weight. since we were immature combatants, everything esculated to an argument that didn't even follow the original topic. we always found a way to bring out old insults also. not good.
since the past 4 years, we did out jobs as parents. beautifully i think. we paid our bills after i had to argue with her to deposit money, etc and most of our good times were as a family. everything was quicky deteriating though. we didn't really do anything together anymore. just lived together. i didn't want to have sex or anything.
soon enough spring of 2010, i caught her taking money from my kids college account. i couldn't stop it because she had control of it. her father gave her some good money when each child was born and she put it in a saving acct. when she needed money for a bill or something else, she hit up that acct. and this person made more money than me. that was low to me, when i approached her, she as I assumed, lied and denied. i kinda just shut down with her at that point. i was mad underneath and didn't know what i wanted to do because that was pretty bad. i was very committed to my marriage and my kids lifestyle. i may have threatened divorce but would never go through with it because it's alien to me and i'm a catholic man. i just don't believe in it. i figured if we were married, things can be fixed. she just had to show guilt and we could take it from there. it never happened, and she did it more times. i'm sitting her with a broken car, needed some money to fix it but never thought of taking my childrens money.
so i noticed she's not only selfish and disrespectful but has terrible morals and character traits.
so now in december- february '11, we have'nt had any intemicy since fall late summer of 2010 and she starts accusing me a little bit of affairs. i hardly leave my home so i'm not guilty of anything. she just figured if we weren't doing anything, i must be. in feb, she told me not to blindside her and tell me if i ever fall in love with someone else. i told her i would. whatever.
now in the spring of this year, she starts going out, staying out late and being the smart guy i am i know what's going on so i accuse her and she gets very defensive. i even know the guy, one of her best friends. this goes on all summer. I go through the normal stages of divorce reaction. not bad, but the inner rage is brutal. it's not easy living with a unfaithful liar who thinks you know nothing about anything and when you give her facts, she blows them off. some bad fights this past summer but screw her, she deserves it. i just stayed at home and took care of my kids.
she is guilty but plays a good game. I think she is just in la-la land and that's when i felt she's truely in a mid life crisis.

i stated the history between us and you can see where our marriage was going but she decided to have an affair, not me. i've stayed clean the whole time. i she didn't want to get counseling. she didn't want to try anymore. she just wanted to pursue the new life and hide behind herself and her lies. she wanted mediation not only because it's easier but cheaper and it wouldn't bring out the garbage she's hiding. she know's she has alot to protect and never came clean yet on anything. she's afraid i'll turn the tide and bring her to court.

now, one thing we do agree on is that we do want a future where we are friends and everyone gets along. i don't think with what she's done, this is going to happen unless i finally feel content with the situation. i don't blame myself for feeling this way. she's the blame for everything. she could have gotten a divorce and things could have been fine between us. she just wanted to include this intruder in not only her life but my kids. i draw the line on that one.

now since she left the home, things have been great. i found out i really didn't want her in my life anymore to begin with and i was living a routine with her. i only care really about me and my kids. we don't argue but i don't want to have anything to do with her anymore. i think that hurt her a little. she does show at times so sort of guilt through her actions. and she had never disrespected me as a father. she always maintains the relationship between us and the kids.

it's unfortunate i have to take this stand but the reason is besides what i've known since may, besides the other man that has shook my hand at times, i have found futher evidence of the affair through emails and facebook. i feels good more than hurts because it's nice to know whattype of person she is and what she's done. to be honest, this guy is a huge step down from me and is nothing more than a replacement aswell as an exciting fresh start. new love is always a great feeling for anybody. i like knowing that my path is clear as far as she is concerned. for example, this past week she said she had to go on a business trip where i had to change my schedule to watch them. she actually went on a locate trip with the new guy. not only that, she still takes $$$ from my kids account.

we still are going through this mediation thing and i know the courts do nothing about affairs so i'm not going there but i have a tremendous need to expose her to everyone. she hides behind this mask and she really needs to be humbled. all i have to do is send a long email with all the facts and CC everyone so they can see what kind of person she is. I'm not only doing it for my own self respect but i want my kids to have a better mother. she'll still be with them half the time and i want her to not live the MLC life where she thinks this guy can sleep over and play with my kids. did you know my little guy who gets up in the middle of the night and goes to my wife's bed is sometimes in between my wife and this guy? drives me nuts because he's so young and could be confused.

to finsh off, i'm cool but don't know what to do about her. she needs to change her ways and start promoting a better person to not only my kids but to herself. exposing everything she hides would make her mad obviously but hopefully help her see who she is and that she can't hide anymore.

further, what about the $$ she's taken from my kids? can i get all of that back where it belongs? i don't have to sign any mediation contract unless i'm satisfied and am getting what i want.

medation is a blessing, court is not but she needs to get her lifestyle in shape so i know she's heading in the right direction. i don't care about the affair, it's over. i don't need her and the guy is loser also who couldn't find true love before he snaked into my marriage. i guess he ended up stumbling upon my trash. they are kinda meant for each other.

just need to protect my kids and myself. i'll get them half the year so that's good and i got my house. she didn't want it. she has a plan and she knows she doesn't need the house in the long run.

she still has all of her crap in the home. it's in one big pile. should i put it outside? she also takes advantage of attic stuff. she wants the xmas tree but it's sitting in my home.

because we're in the middle of things, she still has a house key and hasn't signed over the contract yet. alos becasue we are in the middle of things, i've been very nice and haven't striked yet. i know i can do that when it's over and she can't do a damn thing about it.

i'm pretty convinced this is mostly MLC driven and that's because i'm not saying we've had a great marriage. the total selfishness and insecurity is troubling. she really thinks she can maintain this new fabulous world.

so..... what are some things i can do at this point? is what i want to do a good idea and justified?

i also plan on sending the boyfriend a lengthly email. not threatning but more of asking him to be a man. is that a good idea?

since she's having a mid life crisis and has shown signs of guilt or sympathy, will she ever come clean to me and tell me everything and ask for me to forgive her?? should i forgive?? i'm pretty fine with the way i am with her right now. it's like she doesn't exist and is just my kids mom. it's amazing. i have no qualms staying this way forever but is it right?


thanks in advance

there more probably to want i've already mentioned so if anyone has any questions, please feel free. i have nothing to hide on my end.
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Old 11-22-2011, 02:50 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,516,378 times
Reputation: 39856
Your wife is not nearly old enough to be going through a "midlife crisis".

You seem to be just grasping at straws by saying that.

Bottom line is, you guys never had a good marriage.

There were issues from the beginning.

The time to salvage things was this time last year when you first pulled away from each other and quit having any physical intimacy.

You need to consider spending more time on yourself and your own issues before you diagnose all of hers.

The divorce is happening...so spend your energy on your kids and what is best for them.

Hint - that's two parents who don't tear each other down and work together to keep them safe and well-nurtured. And "exposing" her is NOT in their best interests.
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Old 11-22-2011, 02:50 PM
 
28,905 posts, read 46,717,705 times
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One should always forgive, if not forget. But that's not the same thing as staying with her.

My rule of thumb? The longer the OP, the less salvageable the relationship.
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Old 11-22-2011, 03:00 PM
 
16,797 posts, read 14,533,786 times
Reputation: 37896
You need to find a way to let go of your marriage-the good and the bad--and accept your new life without her. You are divorcing, and you cannot control her or her relationships. No court is going to tell her who she can and can't share her bed with. Yes, it sucks that your kids are being introduced to a new man in their lives, but that is the nature of marital dissolution. It happens to many many people, myself included, and we all survived.

The kids are young and they will be perfectly fine as long as they have two parents who love them and co-parent with sensitivity and skill.

Last edited by zentropa; 11-22-2011 at 03:11 PM..
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Old 11-22-2011, 03:16 PM
 
479 posts, read 730,807 times
Reputation: 444
Mediation is definately the best route. Irregardless, it's best not to contact the boyfriend, or expose her. But you might be able to leverage the mediation process, in considering what you feel is fair under the circumstance. Those issues should be kept between you and her, and the mediator where appropriate.

Take the middle pathway of the warrior.
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Old 11-22-2011, 03:57 PM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,945 posts, read 7,546,681 times
Reputation: 7729
Can't argue with anyone else.

It's over, let it go. learn lessons from it.

Contacting her new man would be an extremely dumb move.
Not only does it make you look like an ass, but it could be used against you at any time if the divorce turns really nasty..
I understand the need to, but it's still dumb.

So far as taking money from the savings account, in one breath you say
Quote:
"her father gave her some good money when each child was born and she put it in a saving acct. when she needed money for a bill or something else
, but you also say that this was a fund implicitly set aside for the kids' education.
Which is it ?
If her father gave her the money, and she's in control, then it's her money. You may have agreed to set it aside, but that agreement would end with your seperation.
I guess she must have needed it for a bill, or something else ?
I understand your concern, but if it's her money, it's not your business unfortunately.
Perhaps you can ask as part of the divorce that any left is ring fenced until the kids reach a certain age?

If her father gave the money to the kids, then it's not technically her money, even although she administrates the account
This may be something worth mentioning to a lawyer.

To sum up.
Make sure your own life is in order, and leave her to look after hers.
Make sure you can go to bed with your head held high, and a clear conscience

Your first priority (and hers) should be to make sure this is conducted in a dignified fashion to protect the kids.

Last edited by bobman; 11-22-2011 at 04:09 PM..
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:48 PM
 
Location: Rockwall
678 posts, read 1,299,026 times
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About the 'sleepovers' with the new beau.... Many states have a standard custody order prohibiting this. It won't say no boyfriend sleeping over- just that it can't happen during the time the children are in her care.
Just remember that this will apply to you also if you meet someone.

I do not recommend an email to expose her, or one to the new guy.
Also, do not put her belongings outside. These are both childish and vengeful and you claim to be a better man than that.

Behave in a way that your children would be proud of you. They don't understand now, but someday they will.
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Old 11-22-2011, 05:59 PM
 
663 posts, read 941,008 times
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Sounds like the money issue is between the wife and her dad and no longer your concern.

Sending that email, any of them, will make you look like a lunatic. Even to those "on your side." if I received an email like that, even if you were a member of my family, I'd have to really wonder. You will make yourself look like a far bigger fool than you will make her out to be. This plan has the potential to backfire in a variety of ways, don't bother.

I don't discount your anger with the situation nor do I blame you. However, it is what it is and your marriage is over. You say you don't care about her, you're glad she's gone, etc. But you've taken a considerable amount of time to write all these details out, along with plotting out these vengeful emails, and putting a considerable amount of time/energy into dragging your ex and her BF through the mud here. So very clearly, you do care. Face it and deal with it, there's no shame in still caring and being hurt, etc.

You'd be far better off to take all of this negative energy and use it for good. Focus on your kids, yourself, building a new life. The things you are focusing on now are only hurting you. If you continue to deal with your hurt and anger in the ways you describe, you will continue to hurt yourself and be a poor example to your children.

Talk to someone about your feelings before the anger starts to eat you up.
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Old 11-23-2011, 06:16 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,516,378 times
Reputation: 39856
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurePugx3 View Post
Sounds like the money issue is between the wife and her dad and no longer your concern.

Sending that email, any of them, will make you look like a lunatic. Even to those "on your side." if I received an email like that, even if you were a member of my family, I'd have to really wonder. You will make yourself look like a far bigger fool than you will make her out to be. This plan has the potential to backfire in a variety of ways, don't bother.

I don't discount your anger with the situation nor do I blame you. However, it is what it is and your marriage is over. You say you don't care about her, you're glad she's gone, etc. But you've taken a considerable amount of time to write all these details out, along with plotting out these vengeful emails, and putting a considerable amount of time/energy into dragging your ex and her BF through the mud here. So very clearly, you do care. Face it and deal with it, there's no shame in still caring and being hurt, etc.

You'd be far better off to take all of this negative energy and use it for good. Focus on your kids, yourself, building a new life. The things you are focusing on now are only hurting you. If you continue to deal with your hurt and anger in the ways you describe, you will continue to hurt yourself and be a poor example to your children.

Talk to someone about your feelings before the anger starts to eat you up.
Amen. He definitely needs to talk to someone about his anger, but not his ex or her new man.
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Old 11-23-2011, 06:54 AM
 
2,650 posts, read 2,600,234 times
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A divorce often starts out amicably, ends amicably not so much. You can pretty much figure things will get worse without either of you doing anything to help them get there. Immediately get legal advice and follow it. Your financial outlook down the road will be greatly impacted by events now. This is not to say the mediation is bad but you should never go into it without counseling by someone who knows the law and represents you. With any luck it will be a consultation only and the mediation will move forward.

That is now your goal, moving forward. Do not waver from it. Your ship (marriage) is sinking and energies used to poke more holes in it take away from what you can salvage from it. You will be tempted to do bad things, things that dishonor you. Things that hurt. You will not be glad of them later. I consider myself an honorable man, I will always do the right thing if I am able and can discern it. I did not make it through my divorce without doing a few things that shamed me. I didn't do them on purpose but I couldn't see them for what they were at the time. Trust me on this, do your very best to take the high road at every turn and you will still likely fail but in the trying you will have some hope of not doing anything too hurtful.

Having said all that I bring up the kids last, you are contemplating doing something that will ultimately be hurtful to them. Don't do it. What is done is done. Move forward.
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