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I agree and that's why I specified an engagement as opposed to a boyfriend/girlfriend. The way a partner treats you before marriage can tell you a lot about them.
I agree with you. If a person isn't treating you well then you shouldn't be getting married. One thing I have noticed being married is that it does develop over time. My commitment to my husband is more extreme since marrying and it continues to grow over time. But, the OP notes marriage is not in the near future any way. That it's just a matter of non-married SO's. Should a string of bf's and gf's take precedence over family? To me, no. Although, I'm not quite sure what that means without specific examples.
My parents still take first priority in some ways even tho I am married. For example, my husband has gotten a little irked that we don't get to spend the holidays with his family. If my parents need me for the holidays I'm there. My brother passed and I'm now their only child. He passed weeks before Christmas to boot so it's a tough time for my folks. When it comes to the holidays it's about them. My husband, OTOH, has 5 siblings. His mom always has somewhere to go. That's just one instance. In other areas he takes first priority. It just depends on the situation, which is why I never understood the #1 argument.
I agree with you. If a person isn't treating you well then you shouldn't be getting married. One thing I have noticed being married is that it does develop over time. My commitment to my husband is more extreme since marrying and it continues to grow over time. But, the OP notes marriage is not in the near future any way. That it's just a matter of non-married SO's. Should a string of bf's and gf's take precedence over family? To me, no. Although, I'm not quite sure what that means without specific examples.
My parents still take first priority in some ways even tho I am married. For example, my husband has gotten a little irked that we don't get to spend the holidays with his family. If my parents need me for the holidays I'm there. My brother passed and I'm now their only child. He passed weeks before Christmas to boot so it's a tough time for my folks. When it comes to the holidays it's about them. My husband, OTOH, has 5 siblings. His mom always has somewhere to go. That's just one instance. In other areas he takes first priority. It just depends on the situation, which is why I never understood the #1 argument.
I think your case is different because one of your siblings passed away and now your parents probably need you more during the holidays. I totally understand this.
My dad used to tell my brothers and I that if we needed $1 and mom needed $1 that we know that mom was getting that $1 and not us. As a kid, I didn't understand but after being married and going through relationships, I know exactly what that meant and I can 100% respect it. My current bf has plans of marriage and he has stated he wants to do everything he for his parents prior to marriage and I can respect that a lot.
I think your case is different because one of your siblings passed away and now your parents probably need you more during the holidays. I totally understand this.
My dad used to tell my brothers and I that if we needed $1 and mom needed $1 that we know that mom was getting that $1 and not us. As a kid, I didn't understand but after being married and going through relationships, I know exactly what that meant and I can 100% respect it. My current bf has plans of marriage and he has stated he wants to do everything he for his parents prior to marriage and I can respect that a lot.
I sort of understand what you're saying. The $1 example is something my father would use. Although, I've never had such an experience. Where two people needed the same thing at the same time for equally valuable reasons. That's why a real life example would probably help me understand. But, to be frank, I think the mentality is damaging and shortsighted, especially to kids and in today's world. My dad said and physically did the same with his new wife some 25 years ago. It wasn't right. They have since separated and in the end I'm up front and center with my father. He's fortunate I do not follow his MO. He still says my husband should be #1, but I really have no idea what that means. I try to do the appropriate thing in whatever situation for good reason.
I just googled "forsaking all others" and one site notes an example between a mate and a friend. If you have to choose, then you choose your mate. 20 years ago I had a girlfriend and my boyfriend at the time (together for 2 years) developed a crush. She shared some things he said with me. It was an uncomfortable situation and she thought our friendship would be over. I had a choice to make. Even tho I knew him far longer than her I had a sense about this woman, a connection I couldn't ignore. 20 years later he's long gone (happily married with his own family) and she's my best friend today. Granted, this is not the same as a husband and I was much younger in a different place in life, but for me it works best to deal with situations individually as they arise.
So when you get married the wifey/husband is supposed become Number 1.
Well shouldn't they have already been number 1?
I was watching a movie and this came up... day before wedding the two lovers get into an argument because the new mother in law is a loon. The groom says she'll always be my mother but you're not my wife. As if 24 hours and a ceremony should make a difference in how he treats this lady.
And I've seen and heard of instances of similar things happening. What is wrong with people?
Why would one moment in time define your priorities?
There are some people I've dated who would say family/mother is the most important thing to me and always will be. It gives me pause. Sure family and parents are important, I know my mother is very important to me. But I feel that I should be and my S/O should be the most important person to each other.... as it stands I don't see marriage possibility anytime in my future... [prop 8 ] so should that mean I should always be number 2 crazy bf's mother or not?
Thoughts....
Either you are married or you are not. There is no in-between. As long as you are not married there is no life commitment. (yes, yes, all the shack ups will disagree with me on this one, I know, LOL).
Once you stand up before family and friends (and your deity of choice) and pledge your eternal love and devotion "forsaking all others, until death do you part", then AND ONLY THEN. Do you become as one, and "cleave" as the bibley puts it.
Until then. nope. nada. not happening. you're single.
To answer the OP's question, I would have to say it all depends on how important your wedding vows are to you. Do you say those vows and mean them, or do you say them just to hear your head rattle? When the clergyman asks you you "will you leave your father and mother and cleave unto her (new wife) forsaking all others", you either answer 'yes I will or no I won't'. I suspect there are many instances when a woman will say 'I do", but really doesn't mean it, because her parents will always be first in her mind. Same thing holds true in a second marriage when a woman has kids, many times they will always be first in her eyes. I don't mean to pick on women, there are men who are this same way. Personally I would put my wife first in all things.
Same thing holds true in a second marriage when a woman has kids, many times they will always be first in her eyes. I don't mean to pick on women, there are men who are this same way.
I hear what you're saying NR, but the very existence of a second marriage (outside widows/widowers) throws the whole cleave notion out the window.
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] so should that mean I should always be number 2 crazy bf's mother or not?
