Marriage problem due to jealous of other couples relationship

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by RSTARB

My wife, Gwen and I have been having a lot of problems lately. We have been together for nearly three and half years and married for two years. The problem started last spring when we both decided we want to try spice up our marriage. So we took a vacation, but things were awkward for both of us. We both put lot of efforts into everything, but in end it just doesn’t feel right and it was hard for both of us.

That’s when we decided that we need to take a long hard look at our marriage. We figured out the big problem is, we both are somewhat jealous of our friend’s relationship.

We both want what our friends have in their relationship and to make thing even more shocking is, they’re not married and have been together for three years. Jenna, have a 5 years old daughter that her boyfriend, Rudy considers as his own. Rudy also is on a SWAT team which mean his job is very demanding and stressful plus he’s a professional athlete that compete at fairly high level.
So Rudy often would be gone from early morning until late night and is always on call.
Yet they still somehow manage to have a great relationship.

I hate to admit this, but both Gwen and I wish that we could be similar to them. It is hard because my wife work and I got fired from job few months ago, so I’m trying to start home based business and we both are always tired. Also neither of us has the motivation to be the person each other want to be which put relationship in the rut.

It is so frustrating to watch them having what we both wants for ourselves and each other. I don’t know where to start. I just hope there’s a way to make this happen.

You need to understand, jealousy of any kind is born out of insecurity and immaturity.

You may want what your friends have, but you haven't yet earned it.

Start "earning it" by concentrating on becoming a confident secure man - someone your wife can look up to and respect.

Encourage her to work on her own self-esteem too.

There are tons of self-help books out there so seek out some resources and start growing up together

[Yzette]

Originally Posted by RSTARB

Here’s the thing, since I got fired from my job, Gwen finally got promoted at her job, so she have been working much longer hours and under more stress.

As for me, I am not having it any better. I’m always working and often make really little money because I’m still trying to get my business off the ground and this is a normal thing. So I could be working from the time I wake up until I head to bed for almost nothing.

Also Gwen likes to get out and go do things, but I really like to stay home and relax. So this makes things hard for us because we have to find something we both enjoy and compromise.

I think you’re right, neither of us probably put each other needs first. I just don’t know if Gwen will do something in return. It is just a very frustrating cycle. But I probably should try get up and do something eventhough I really don’t feel like it most of the time.

I work at home. I bust my butt, and it's finally starting to pay off--two years along. There are still weeks when I'm going 12 hours a day.

Meanwhile, my other half--we are not married or living together--busts his butt working OT. He will be working tomorrow and the day after, and he will be working Christmas Eve and Christmas. Our holidays are shot because of his schedule, and there's not much we can do about it. Likewise, there are stretches of time when we don't see much of each other, either.

Better yet, he is like you. He's a bit of a homebody. Me? I'm home all the time with my work, so when I see him, I don't want to sit on my butt. I want to get out and do things, like Gwen.

But we don't sit around griping about being too tired for each other, or comparing ourselves to other people. When we have a problem, we confront it head on, even if it's an unholy PITA to do so. We've had rough patches, like everybody else. But we work through it. Why? Because a rough patch isn't the whole garden.

You will need to get up and go out with Gwen. And she will have to learn how to have a good time at home with you. She needs to make going out worth your while, and you need to make staying home appealing.

And stop worrying about Ken and Barbie, or Rudy and Jenna, or whoever they are. For all you know, the reason they are so "happy" is because they never see each other, and if they were together as much as you and your wife are, they'd kill each other.

[RSTARB]

Thanks Artsyguy. We do know the problem pretty much, it is just very hard because neither of us really wants to do what others want and see little to gain from it and if we start something then we just get burned out fast.
I don’t know if it is just that I am working so much and stressed out, but it does kinda bother me because if I just have more energy and force myself to get up, then I really think I can get a lot accomplished. I think that’s why Rudy is able to do it. But I have no idea how he could pull that off and I swear he always look so worn out.

Lovemountains, it isn’t like we look at them and suddenly become jealous. It just gradually comes onto us. For example, if we go out, when I see Jenna dressing up and have all eyes turning to her while Gwen made absolutely no effort to look good, Jenna would go up to Rudy and hug him tightly whenever he get home from work, and other things. It just makes me sad that my wife didn’t do this.
At same time my wife would see or hear about what Rudy did for Jenna and I can see she want me to do something like that for her as well.

If we try it, then one of us would end up either put off thing or do something lazily and other would lost motivation and just settles back into comfort zone.

Yzette, now thinking about it, I guess they look so happy because I know Rudy is hardly around. He’s always working or training and only time they really had together is at night, sometime the weekends, or if she tags along when he compete. Also I realize Jenna probably is always under a lot of stress because Rudy’s job and sport isn’t the safest, so Rudy is always getting hurt and often put himself in danger. That could explain a lot about their relationship.
I guess we should just be grateful that we don’t have to deal with the stresses that they does.

[aleecya]

It sounds like your friend's relationship seems to cater to each others needs. We as people tend to put ourselves first in many scenarios but when you are married it cannot be all about what your needs are. If both of you began to cater to each other instead of catering to yourself, your results would be different. Married is a partnership, both parties have to agree and try to give the other person what they need so both of your needs are being met, then no one will feel cheated . You brought up the fact that when you were working that your wife would not have dinner made when you came home, that was one of the needs you had, well do you know what your wives needs are? I think you need to have a long discussion with your wife about what are something that you can do to make her life easier and tell her what things you would like that would make your life easier. Marries requires giving unselfishly of yourself( no it is not easy, nor is it for the faint at heart or the selfish)

[todd00]

Originally Posted by RSTARB

I wish I can say that this is the grass isn’t greener on other side case. We used to think that because Rudy is just not the most approachable or friendly person. He’s… for lack of better depiction, a really “hard man”
He takes his job and sport very seriously and seems to have very little time or no desire to enjoy himself. Here’s an example, he drives an old Cherokee that he have ever since we first met while Jenna drive a much nicer car that they bought brand new less a year ago. Other time they just buy a new bed that Jenna really wanted and love, when I asked Rudy how he liked it he didn’t seems to be really thrilled and just say “as long as it is a flat surface, it work” Rudy often look really tired which surprise me because I cannot remember last time he doesn’t look tired. He’s the type of man who will always put family ahead of him, never complain about anything, doesn’t need much, and is highly respected and admired by many for that. Also Jenna often talk about all sweet thing he did for her which is bizarre as Rudy doesn’t seems to be that type of person. So this must mean the side we didn’t see is much better.

As for Jenna… She’s still in shape and good looking that people turn head whenever she go into place, she put in efforts to look good, and dress neatly. Gwen didn’t do any of that in a long time which makes me really miss her putting in effort to look good.
Jenna also always has dinner ready when Rudy get home. When I was working, Gwen would come home 2 or 3 hours early but she almost never have dinner ready and sometime we’d have to argue about who will cook dinner. We also used to split chores 50-50 but lot of it still doesn’t get done.
Once I asked Rudy how could he manage to get banged up on daily basis and always have all kind of injuries and still live the life he does. He just smiles and say a great woman make it possible. He just always seems so happy with Jenna and being a professional athlete, he could easily leave Jenna for any girls he wants. Yet he never did it and often Jenna would tag along.

We just don’t have that type of fire in our marriage.

It's really to bad you aren't taking as much interest in your own marriage as you are in theirs. As others have said you have no idea about their life, its all kind of like a tv show you see, you get the sound bites but you don't see behind the scenes. Do you think Rudy is gonna say, I come home late and the house is a mess, she went to bed early and forgot to leave me something for dinner and he hates she is a neat freak. Is Jenna gonna say, he forgot our anniversary and my birthday and had to work both days, I'm so sick of his stupid job. Some people have problems but are all smiles to friends and relatives. Rudy is superman and his wife is the beautiful perfect wife. Guess what Randy probably leaves the toilet seat up and scatters his clothes like Oscar Madison. They choose to keep their personal life personal, a smart thing to do actually. They may have a good marriage, good for them. So do what they do, concentrate on each other! Like some like to brag on their new car, they may enjoy bragging how happy they are together. If you have to move to stop obsessing on this couple then do so.

I don't like to use the line you have to work at a marriage, but couples can come to take each other for granted. Would it hurt you to arrange a nice evening out as a surprise? She might then fix a cozy dinner and you guys could watch movies and cuddle the next weekend. It's called give and take, it's part of the deal. She's tired, you feel stressed and tired, so take turns about dinner. Rather than argue about whose turn it should be, order her favorite pizza. A little consideration goes a long way. When was the last time you told Gwen she looked good? Might she think she isn't the only one that doesn't put in the effort anymore? You guys could get a gym membership together or go walking after dinner everynight, try and motivate each other. Much of what people have said here a counselor would say, it's common sense. If you are both not willing to put the other first and really show you care then maybe it is a lost cause. You don't need a counselor to tell you if you still have love for each other. The problem these days is people just give up to quickly. Why do people bother with marriage when so many take it so lightly. You aren't the muscleman jock cop Randy is and Gwen isn't caked with layers of make up obsessed with trying to be the knock out at the homecoming dance. Get these people out of your mind and think about your lives together. Your goals and future together is what counts. God....ya know what I mean.

[augiedogie]

You can't judge by outward appearances. You don't know what's going on behind closed doors. Things may look great from the other side of the street, but are not at all. AS you go along in life I'm sure you'll discover that. Couples that seem to have it all, and yet end up with affairs or divorce. Forget about everyone else and put each other higher on the priority list. Work is just work, you can find other jobs. If the home based business isn't working out so well, get a job. Might take some preasure off both of you. It almost sounds like you're both putting too much emphasis on money, jobs, status.

[Ulysses61]

First of all, you never, ever know what another person's marriage or intimate relationship is like. The only people who really know are the two involved.

I have known countless couples who can't keep their hands off each other, brag about their incredible sex lives, seem deliriously happy... and then they divorce acrimoniously or break up and profess hatred for their ex. Being jealous of any other couple is a total waste of time because they could be just as unhappy as you seem to be (seriously). Many couples put on an act when around other people for various reasons. Some of the happiest couples I've known are those who act disinterested in one another around a third party, aren't into PDA's and never discuss their relationship with others.

So consider that angle.

[Braunwyn]

OP, I agree with most of the other posters in this thread. My best friend has an amazing marriage that I have envied. They're both amazing people and they have a great relationship. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors, but I know my friend. I know her history and I knew her mother. Her mother was a devoted wife. Her husband did no wrong. Such a thing is rare. So much so that she hurt her children (he was their step father). But, my friend clearly learned to be a devoted wife in similar ways from her mother. Her marriage is what it is because who she is and who her husband is.

When I take stock during the contrasts and comparisons I understand that I cannot be that kind of wife. I'm not her and my husband is not him. We have our own thing that is unique to us. In that way they can never have what we have. So, my advice is to focus on who the two of you are and what you bring to your marriage and cultivate those qualities. You cannot bear fruit from a seed that is not yours.

[MIKEETC]

Originally Posted by darrensmooth

grass isn't greener on the other side, you never really know what goes on in a marriage behind closed doors, maybe their relationship isnt as perfect as you think

Agreed.