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Hi everyone, I've been dating a really fantastic woman for a little over a year. We have both been divorced about 5 years. I've got two kids who I share custody with ages 8 and 10 and she's got a 10 year old. We live about 30 miles apart, but have been getting more serious. Serious enough that I have been thinking about moving closer to her, and eventually considering marriage. We see each other pretty much every weekend and usually once during the week when we do not have our kids.
Anyways, completely out of the blue about a month ago she asks jokingly if I would break up with her if she adopted a child. I was kind of taken aback and wasn't sure if she was really serious. The child she is talking about is a 12 year old that she has worked with, and is a former student. I have never met the kid, but apparently he has been abandoned by his mom and now lives in foster care. He is pretty troubled from what she has told me. No drugs, but defiant and issues with stealing.
I've always felt comfortable speaking my mind with her and told her I wasn't sure that was a fair question to ask me out of the blue. I told her that this is a very serious commitment and it wasn't something I could just say "yes" to. I told her it was untimately her decision, but that it was something that I could see impacting us and a future together. I mean, if we did eventually move in together or get married he'd be my kid as well, or at least he would be partly my responsibility. I just don't feel I'm ready for that, especially if the boy is as troubled as she says.
Also, I didn't tell her this, but I don't think she is really ready for this. She works 60 plus hours a week and is not poor, but is just starting a new career so she has almost zero disposable income. Plus, I cherish our alone time together, and this would mean she now has a child full time so I can really see this affecting us. So yeah, I admit I am jealous as we won't have any time together, or at least very little just the two of us.
We agreed to talk more about things this weekend, but she has already turned in the foster paperwork and is getting her condo ready to be inspected so her home can qualify as a foster home. My plan when we talk is to reiterate what I told her earlier. Sound like a good plan? If she does go through with this are we done? Should I end it now or is this something that might blow over as she sees how difficult it will be? I'm also worried that if I tell her this and she pulls out of the foster parent process she will resent me. Thanks in advance for any thoughts you might have.
She has the right to make such a decision just as you have the right not to accept such a decision. I honestly don't see your relationship working out in the future and you might as well cut your losses now because nothing good can come of this. And it sounds to me like she already made the decision since she is preparing her house and whatnot....so it really boils down to you now. You should also consider your kids..do you want them exposed to such a bad influence as this other 12 year old kid is?
If she dumps you because you disagree, then I guess she was never that into you, but was in love with the dream of the little family.
I lost a fantastic partner a few years back because she wanted kids and I didn't. She moved on, yeah, it hurt, but I'm so glad I stood my ground.
If you go ahead with this and are not 100% sure, trust me, it will end horribly.
Sorry, but if she resents you, let her.
Otherwise you will begin to resent her, and the kid.
It wouldn't be fair on anybody involved
The right time to speak up is now, not after it happens.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeattleCat
Hi everyone, I've been dating a really fantastic woman for a little over a year. We have both been divorced about 5 years. I've got two kids who I share custody with ages 8 and 10 and she's got a 10 year old. We live about 30 miles apart, but have been getting more serious. Serious enough that I have been thinking about moving closer to her, and eventually considering marriage. We see each other pretty much every weekend and usually once during the week when we do not have our kids.
Anyways, completely out of the blue about a month ago she asks jokingly if I would break up with her if she adopted a child. I was kind of taken aback and wasn't sure if she was really serious. The child she is talking about is a 12 year old that she has worked with, and is a former student. I have never met the kid, but apparently he has been abandoned by his mom and now lives in foster care. He is pretty troubled from what she has told me. No drugs, but defiant and issues with stealing.
I've always felt comfortable speaking my mind with her and told her I wasn't sure that was a fair question to ask me out of the blue. I told her that this is a very serious commitment and it wasn't something I could just say "yes" to. I told her it was untimately her decision, but that it was something that I could see impacting us and a future together. I mean, if we did eventually move in together or get married he'd be my kid as well, or at least he would be partly my responsibility. I just don't feel I'm ready for that, especially if the boy is as troubled as she says.
Also, I didn't tell her this, but I don't think she is really ready for this. She works 60 plus hours a week and is not poor, but is just starting a new career so she has almost zero disposable income. Plus, I cherish our alone time together, and this would mean she now has a child full time so I can really see this affecting us. So yeah, I admit I am jealous as we won't have any time together, or at least very little just the two of us.
We agreed to talk more about things this weekend, but she has already turned in the foster paperwork and is getting her condo ready to be inspected so her home can qualify as a foster home. My plan when we talk is to reiterate what I told her earlier. Sound like a good plan? If she does go through with this are we done? Should I end it now or is this something that might blow over as she sees how difficult it will be? I'm also worried that if I tell her this and she pulls out of the foster parent process she will resent me. Thanks in advance for any thoughts you might have.
Well all I can say is that you may consider yourself lucky to have this compassionate woman in your life - compassion is in very short supply in our world.
It sounds like she has already made the decision to reach out and make a difference in this poor child's life. Good on her. She is braver and kinder and has more empathy than most of us.
Maybe you will end up "just friends" in the end because of it. But there are worse things than can happen. On the up side, there will be one less child in the world in a no hope situation. This one is lucky enough to have croseed paths with a wonderful woman and can look forward to hope, fostered potential to live a productive life and a chance at a loving home - and for that I say kudos to her, and all the best to you.
OK, someone working 60 hours a week is not going to be able to care for a 12 year old, and he is better left in Foster Care...
If you love this woman, talk to her, and tell her what you want, expect, and how you both can accomplish the same goals together... (Bud, if this woman is dead set on adopting this child, then nothing you say or do will change her mind!!).
I would offer to 'Foster Care' for the Child first, to see if he will settle down, once he gets a loving home, (Provided your ready to be a Dad again). Its going to be hard for her to do it alone, but, if she loves the child enough, she will make it work somehow... With, or with out you.
This will test your 'mettle', and, yes, a grown child does impact the 'intimacy' a lot, but, there are ways to work around this, by getting him involved into things that will take up his time-->As kids should be involved with outside interests, anyways.
A good Faith Based Home is the best way to raise a Child, but, thats something you both have to decide on. The more he has a male influence, the less he is apt to steal and want attention, because you will be there to give him the guidance and gentle nudge through his teens and adulthood.
You were absent with your children, only getting them on certain days, maybe you can make a 'huge' difference in this young mans life??
The more he has a male influence, the less he is apt to steal and want attention, because you will be there to give him the guidance and gentle nudge through his teens and adulthood.
You were absent with your children, only getting them on certain days, maybe you can make a 'huge' difference in this young mans life??
Very bad advice. The OP is neither married to, engaged to or living with his girlfriend, has two children who he shares custody of and yet you're suggesting he take on the role of co-foster parent? Further, to assert that the OP was "absent with" his children and can somehow redeem himself by making a difference in a troubled pre-teen's life is a huge leap, rude and totally uncalled for. He says he shares custody of his children - what do you think that means?
I agree with the other posters who advise that he make sure his girlfriend totally understands his position and thoughts on her plan. What his girlfriend does is entirely up to her but if she doesn't know already that this isn't a "we" decision then best she learns right now, and very bluntly.
If she does go through with this are we done? Should I end it now or is this something that might blow over as she sees how difficult it will be?
I would just wait and see what happens. You're not married, and not engaged, so you're in the getting-to-know each other stage - and there's no way to know right now how things are going to work out.
Just keep dating her and see how it goes! If she doesn't have time for you after adopting this child, then you may decide to break up. Or if you don't like the kid, that might be a reason to break up. But to break up now? Before you even see how it all works out? That just seems premature to me.
Wow! This is a big one to lay on you, just out of the blue like that.
I mean, I`m all for adopting a child (we adopted our son from birth) but this child is 12 yrs. old and you have never met him?
He obviously has issues and I think this is a subject that she could have discussed with you, since you stated that the two of you are considering marriage.
It also sounds like she has already made up her mind. Is she adopting him, or fostering him? Although I think its great that she wants to help this child, I also feel that she should have talked to you about it. Good Luck!
Essentially, we have two completely legitimate choices at loggerheads with one another.
It's wonderful that she wants to adopt. No question. At the same time, you have two kids of your own, and no rational person blame you if you don't want more. Children, even the best of them, require huge investments of time, money, and energy. It is not a decision to be taken lightly, and it's certainly nothing to be blindsided with.
At the same time, given her lack of income, one has to wonder about the wisdom at taking on such a commitment. One also has to wonder about her commitment to your relationship if she's willing to hand you a fait accompli. After all, if she's already gotten the paperwork underway, then your opinion on the subject is immaterial, despite it having a profound affect on your future life. And if she cares so little for your opinion on such an important thing in your relationship, then I'm not sure how you think this will work in the future.
Wait it out and see what happens. She most likely won't qualify. You're right, she will resent you and possibly not want anything to do with you even if she is unable to adopt him.
If you complain that he will take up your time or that you will be jealous, that might send off warning signs and she might dump you for being selfish and needy.
I would try to get the point across about having concerns that he might need more help and supervision that she can't give him "which is true." He has already had a troubled past and being adopted by someone who can't devote more time might make things worse.
Using that point might make sense to her and not make you out to be the bad guy.
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On the up side, there will be one less child in the world in a no hope situation. This one is lucky enough to have croseed paths with a wonderful woman and can look forward to hope, fostered potential to live a productive life and a chance at a loving home - and for that I say kudos to her, and all the best to you.
