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Old 11-24-2011, 09:28 AM
 
658 posts, read 654,668 times
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Hello everyone, I thank you in advance for the thoughtful reply you would leave.

I'll try keep this short and sweet.

I've been dating a guy for 6 months. We met online and clicked immediately, and soon decided to be exclusive. I'm in my mid-20s and he's in his mid-30s, despite the big age gap, we get along great, respect each other's opinions, make sacrifices for each other, try hard to make each other happy, and just overall enjoy each other's company to the fullest. We now spend approximately half a week together. When we are physically together, I can honestly say that I am fulfilled and happy. I may not even have thought of this as a problem if (hypothetically) we live together.

But when I'm alone, I think about us often and focus on the big picture, and rather unfortunately, I realized that some crucial elements from this relationship are missing. For instance, he hasn't said the L word yet (and I'm confused, because from time to time, I do get the vibe that he does love me from the way he looks at me and the way he takes cares of me). Actually, that might not be an accurate statement. I asked him while we were on vacation around 3 month into our relationship if he loved me, he said he thought so. Then I asked why he hasn't said the L word yet, he said he isn't ready and that saying the L word is a huge deal for him. He would only say it when he is absolutely certain that he is in love, and his definition of love is that he has to prioritize the other person's happiness above his own. (Personally I think his definition is a little bit strict, but I suppose I can understand) He says that at the moment he's not concerned about whether we are in love, all he cares about is that we spend a lot of time together. He claims that he'll be worried about the love issue when it doesn't happen after 2 years. He is happy in this relationship with very little complaints, and does not see us breaking up anytime soon or ever.

Another possible redflag is that he rarely talks about our future, he says he can see us moving in together soon but that's about it. But given that he isn't even sure he loves me, that's probably understandable.

Because of all of the above, at times I do feel quite insecure about the future of this relationship.

I suppose I'd like to know if it is indeed too early to evaluate a relationship on that level.I have a feeling that if love hasn't happened yet, it probably never will, considering that we already have a routine going on, thus lack of stimulus for any new sparks. I have talked about the L word issue with him 2-3 times, and he doesn't have anything to offer besides "I'm not ready to say it", "I'm being honest" and "It's too early".

(So much for keeping it short...)

Thank you for reading.
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:34 AM
 
Location: ON, Canada
5,061 posts, read 2,493,539 times
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Every relationship is different, but if it's too early for him to say that, it's good that he shared that feeling with you. I think that saying "I love you" is just a phrase, and people get too hung up on it.

Six months is a very short time in a relationship, you're still getting to know each other. I certainly wouldn't be moving in "soon" with someone at that stage, especially if they're uncertain of their feelings (not just the I love you words).
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:44 AM
 
658 posts, read 654,668 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
Every relationship is different, but if it's too early for him to say that, it's good that he shared that feeling with you. I think that saying "I love you" is just a phrase, and people get too hung up on it.

Six months is a very short time in a relationship, you're still getting to know each other. I certainly wouldn't be moving in "soon" with someone at that stage, especially if they're uncertain of their feelings (not just the I love you words).
Thank you. It helps to gain some perspectives from an experienced source.
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:48 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
22,136 posts, read 26,279,267 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetlilac View Post
I have a feeling that if love hasn't happened yet, it probably never will, considering that we already have a routine going on, thus lack of stimulus for any new sparks. I have talked about the L word issue with him 2-3 times, and he doesn't have anything to offer besides "I'm not ready to say it", "I'm being honest" and "It's too early".
Six months, routine, lack of stimulus for any new sparks? Good grief, that sort of thinking casts a pallor of gloom and doom over any serious relationship you may ever have, Miss Cheerful! If you don't know how to keep the spark alive after six months of dating how on earth do you expect to keep it going in a marriage?

As far as him telling you his thoughts about love, stop pushing him and trying to elicit an answer more favorable to you. Talking about it three times was two too many. He's being perfectly honest with you which, if you read most of these threads, is an admirable trait. Leave well alone and start reading up on how to keep a spark going.
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:50 AM
 
Location: ON, Canada
5,061 posts, read 2,493,539 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetlilac View Post
Thank you. It helps to gain some perspectives from an experienced source.
I may be a little jaded too because my ex-husband said "I love you" all the time but his actions didn't indicate it so much, so at the end of the day, they're simply words that mean nothing without the actions to support it.

My current SO has not said it to me, we've been dating for almost a year now, but all of his actions indicate to me what "love" would represent, so I am not as concerned that he hasn't said the words.

I love him, but more than that, I adore him. Everything he does and what he represents feels like what love is supposed to be.

Last edited by Liberty2011; 11-24-2011 at 09:50 AM.. Reason: typo
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:59 AM
 
658 posts, read 654,668 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
Six months, routine, lack of stimulus for any new sparks? Good grief, that sort of thinking casts a pallor of gloom and doom over any serious relationship you may ever have, Miss Cheerful! If you don't know how to keep the spark alive after six months of dating how on earth do you expect to keep it going in a marriage?

As far as him telling you his thoughts about love, stop pushing him and trying to elicit an answer more favorable to you. Talking about it three times was two too many. He's being perfectly honest with you which, if you read most of these threads, is an admirable trait. Leave well alone and start reading up on how to keep a spark going.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm not that experienced when it comes to serious relationships, which is why I ask.
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:06 AM
 
658 posts, read 654,668 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
I may be a little jaded too because my ex-husband said "I love you" all the time but his actions didn't indicate it so much, so at the end of the day, they're simply words that mean nothing without the actions to support it.

My current SO has not said it to me, we've been dating for almost a year now, but all of his actions indicate to me what "love" would represent, so I am not as concerned that he hasn't said the words.

I love him, but more than that, I adore him. Everything he does and what he represents feels like what love is supposed to be.
Of course actions speak louder than words. Best wishes to your wonderful relationship.
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:28 AM
 
Location: Lubbock, Tx
5,026 posts, read 1,894,308 times
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Sorry, but I guess I'm so old and grew up at a different time. But many years ago, saying I was in love would have meant that I then wanted the serious relationship, sex marriage etc.
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:44 AM
 
658 posts, read 654,668 times
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Originally Posted by Prairieparson View Post
Sorry, but I guess I'm so old and grew up at a different time. But many years ago, saying I was in love would have meant that I then wanted the serious relationship, sex marriage etc.
Besides my boyfriend, I had met another person like that, who refuses to say it unless he's already picturing how their babies would look like. He eventually said it to me by accident while we were making out, the words kinda just slipped out... and it was a wonderful feeling for both of us. It took him about 8 months of being together (after knowing each other for 8 years).

Don't know why I'm so impatient this time around. I will work on that.

Thanks for your insightful comment.
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Old 11-24-2011, 11:10 AM
 
105 posts, read 176,573 times
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Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I have only said it to two women in my entire life, and both were about the 6 to 7 month mark. For me saying the L word is pretty serious and I don't just throw it around unless I mean it. Sounds like your guy is the same...
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