Do I have to change? (dating, how to, women, love)

[caravangirl]

I need some advice.

I am completely unattractive. When I was younger I thought I was just being hypercritical (like I always am) of myself and was probably closer to average than I gave myself credit for. But now I think it's likely that I'm much worse than average. No one has ever shown any kind of romantic interest in me. It's easy for me to make guy friends but friends is as far as it goes.

For a while I was able to blame it on my obesity. Then I lost the weight and still nothing. I suppose I'm still on the fat side (I wear pant sizes 6 to 10 depending on the manufacturer) but I doubt very much that I will ever be skinny. Physical beauty is simply not my strength. My face is round and doughy. My hair looks like a disaster zone. I'm just not pretty. Nothing I can do about that. I know that physically ugly people can overcome that by having beautiful personalities but my personality is horrible. I accept myself for what I am but I understand why others can not. If I wasn't me I sure wouldn't want anything to do with me.

So here's my question. In order to become attractive am I going to have to change everything about myself? Is acting fake the only option? Or is it just hopeless?

[moonsavvy]

I'm not sure if you're serious or not.

It you are, your first step is to work on your self esteem, not change yourself, but start loving yourself.

[SwedishViking]

When I as a man look at women Their physical appearance is the first impression I get, so regardless of what's politically correct looks are important, and takes a long time to change so let's start there.

Post a picture, preferably whole body, dressed the way you are usually dressed in your everyday life.

It may be that you're dressing yourself in a way that isn't flattering to what you have or something like that.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by caravangirl

For a while I was able to blame it on my obesity. Then I lost the weight and still nothing. I suppose I'm still on the fat side (I wear pant sizes 6 to 10 depending on the manufacturer) but I doubt very much that I will ever be skinny. Physical beauty is simply not my strength. My face is round and doughy. My hair looks like a disaster zone. I'm just not pretty. Nothing I can do about that. I know that physically ugly people can overcome that by having beautiful personalities but my personality is horrible. I accept myself for what I am but I understand why others can not. If I wasn't me I sure wouldn't want anything to do with me.

So here's my question. In order to become attractive am I going to have to change everything about myself? Is acting fake the only option? Or is it just hopeless?

You may be a bit overweight if you're short, but it's not too bad. There's plenty you can do to improve your looks - that's what skin care and make-up is for. You can also start taking care of your hair, so that it doesn't look like a "disaster zone." Read some, watch youtube tutorials, even hire a make-up artist for a consultation if you can't get anything right yourself, and you'll see some improvement. Once you're happier with that, your mood should improve, too.

As far as personality goes, I can't begin to guess what you mean by a "horrible" personality... You said you had no problem making guy friends, so it can't be that horrible. Otherwise, you can read, attend activities and keep up with events you're interested in, so that you have something to talk about with people. Developing and/or expressing (if it's there) some sense of humor won't hurt, either.

I'm not of the school of thought "love yourself no matter what." It's better to change yourself more to your liking. And as the famous "they" say, fake it till you make it!

[yankeegirl313]

I agree. Start with your attitude.
A person can be homely as hell on the outside, but have a beautiful disposition, and attitude on the inside. This confidence that they bring to themselves, and positive attitude that they share to everyone around, makes for a person that everyone wants to be around, and be a part of!
Stay yourself. Just build your self confidence. Good luck~

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by yankeegirl313

I agree. Start with your attitude.
A person can be homely as hell on the outside, but have a beautiful disposition, and attitude on the inside. This confidence that they bring to themselves, and positive attitude that they share to everyone around, makes for a person that everyone wants to be around, and be a part of!
Stay yourself. Just build your self confidence. Good luck~

Oh, quit that BS, everybody! Nobody's "confident" while looking like hell and if they somehow are, nobody cares!

[yankeegirl313]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

Oh, quit that BS, everybody! Nobody's "confident" while looking like hell and if they somehow are, nobody cares!

You don`t believe in someone having confidence in themselves, in order to make themselves feel better..just because they may look like hell?


Mod cut: personal barb.

[ans57]

Originally Posted by caravangirl

I need some advice.

I am completely unattractive. When I was younger I thought I was just being hypercritical (like I always am) of myself and was probably closer to average than I gave myself credit for. But now I think it's likely that I'm much worse than average. No one has ever shown any kind of romantic interest in me. It's easy for me to make guy friends but friends is as far as it goes.

For a while I was able to blame it on my obesity. Then I lost the weight and still nothing. I suppose I'm still on the fat side (I wear pant sizes 6 to 10 depending on the manufacturer) but I doubt very much that I will ever be skinny. Physical beauty is simply not my strength. My face is round and doughy. My hair looks like a disaster zone. I'm just not pretty. Nothing I can do about that. I know that physically ugly people can overcome that by having beautiful personalities but my personality is horrible. I accept myself for what I am but I understand why others can not. If I wasn't me I sure wouldn't want anything to do with me.

So here's my question. In order to become attractive am I going to have to change everything about myself? Is acting fake the only option? Or is it just hopeless?

I think this is a the first time I've encountered such a defeatist statement...knowing and accepting your horrible (If I understand you correctly...?) Do you really think that being horrible is okay and that others should just accept it??? First off...you cannot change what and how you are, but you can definitely (bring out) enhance the best in you and that's not faking it.
Your situation is far from hopeless. Wearing size 6-10 is considered normal size unless you're a munchkin.
And yes...you need to if you're not content being alone.

[yellowsnow]

Yes, you have to change if you want to live in the dating world. It will help you do better at life in general as well, including work. It's not phony, you just have to be the best you possible. You might as well just embrace it. Change will happen for the rest of your life. You will participate willingly or be it's victim.

Size 6 to 10 is not fat. The average American woman is a size 14. At least that's what I've read more than few times. Clothes help make the woman. You don't have to spend a bundle just make sure what you wear makes the most of your best parts. Dress age appropriately in clothes that fit well and make you feel good. You will always look better when you feel good.

Forget the fat uniform. This is hard to do. I know, I'm an ex-fatty too. Check out some local thrift stores and make yourself buy something YOU would never wear. A different color or style you have never before considered. Over time, your tastes will change and you will learn a lot about what actually looks GOOD on you. Always remember, your perception of yourself is skewed. You see yourself as fat, so listen to what other people have to say about your clothes and take advice from everyone. Keep the good stuff and throw away the rest. Learn to walk in heels. Practice at home.

Find a hairstyle that fits the shape of your face and get a good cut/style you can maintain. Maybe some color too. Get a mani/pedi and let them show you how to take care of your own nails. Maybe a facial too. Learn how to take care of your skin/hair. Is your hair/skin bad because you are always dieting? Invest in a decent daily multivitamin. Go to someplace like Sephora and let them do your makeup. Get some ideas and samples. Then you know how to use makeup and what looks good on you. You may think the makeup is OTT, but it never hurts to learn how to do it. Keep the parts you like! Learn how to accentuate your best features.

Practice looking polished and well maintained. Over time it will become second nature and easy. None of us are getting anything but older. Well maintained older looks a lot better than the alternative! A whole lot of looking good is just being well maintained and appearing to give a damn about your appearance. Care about yourself.

Some of the most beautiful people in the world look like something the dog dragged in when they get up in the morning. Google pics of some of these folks without the makeup and the clothes. It will be yet another education.

Personality wise, I bet you are just fine. Shed the fat suit and start living life. You only get to do it once. Get out and DO the things you find interesting. Meet people and make friends. Find things you like to do. Take a class or join a meetup group. Learn to dance or go hiking. I know you are smart. You wrote a coherent post.

Fat is a prison. Lucky you, your sentence was commuted. You and I both know that skinny you and fat you are the same person. But there's no way to convince the rest of the world that this is the case. So just accept the change in your status and make the most of it. You CAN do this!

[Lamplight]

Originally Posted by moonsavvy

It you are, your first step is to work on your self esteem, not change yourself, but start loving yourself.

This. You sound like you're going to try to change in order to please other people, when in fact, if you decide to make a change it should be for yourself. Physical "flaws" aren't necessarily something to worry about, IMO. If you don't like your hair, then by all means, try something new. That's something you have control over, to an extent. But some physical traits you'll never be able to change, and for those you'll simply have to learn to not worry about them.

You say you're just ugly and there's nothing you can do about that. If that's the case and it's out of your control, then you're wasting time thinking about that aspect. But you also mention that you have a horrible personality. This sounds more like something that isn't necessarily set in stone. Figure out what it is about your personality that you're not happy with, and then work like crazy to change that. But as I said before, do it for yourself, not to attract a mate.