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Let me explain. I'm always worried about how attractive I am in the eyes of the opposite sex because I want to attract somebody I like.
Well, I figure once people have gotten married, they don't have to worry about it anymore. Yea, you still have to maintain your attractiveness level. But you're not worried as much how good looking you are as far as against all other men/women.
I see what you're saying. You're not talking about letting yourself go, you're talking about worrying about it less.
The answer for me is yes and no. I do not worry about attracting other men, nor do I have any interest in competing with other women.
However I have no interest in going out with a group of people and being the one who didn't bother with my appearance. I probably do worry less about my attractiveness than when I was single, but I was never that worried about it. I'm decent enough looking - some men think I'm gorgeous, for others I'm just not their thing. So I've never really beat myself up about my looks especially and I don't now that I am married.
On the other hand I would say I actually spend MORE time and money on my appearance now I'm in my mid 30s simply due to the aging process and being able to afford to take care of myself.
DH & I both gained weight at one point and taking that off took time and effort. Now I work out (as you said you would), but I also take care of my skin and hair more than when I was younger. I do it for me, because I want to keep feeling good and confident and I think that my husband likes my 'feeling good about myself' attitude.
I would try and worry a little less about your looks. If you are working out and well groomed there will be women who find you attractive. Really confidence is so important. Very few people are attractive to everyone so don't pay any mind to the ones who aren't into you. Keep looking for the one that is! Then just keep yourself up, relax and enjoy.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba
First of all, I'm single and I've never been married. Throughout my single life, I've always been on a roller coaster ride of feeling attractive and unattractive, and trying to figure where I fit in general in society's 'totem pole' of physical attractiveness.
I reason other single people are similarly hung up about their looks. Because they want to find somebody they are attracted to and who is attracted to them. They don't want to shoot too high and risk rejection or take too much less than what they can get.
But for you married people, doesn't that go away? I mean, let's assume you marry someone you LIKE, and really aren't thinking about cheating on. Let's assume he/she is attracted to you and would overlook minor fluctuations in weight throughout the years and is basically going to STAY attracted to you for the duration.
You would still care about your looks. But, for all intensive purposes, you are just trying to maintain the level of attractiveness you had when you met him/her. You are no longer worried about how good looking/ugly you are in the scheme of society (at least not regularly). Because theoretically, you should no longer care about attracting another person except for your mate.
Is this a pretty accurate depiction of being married?
EDIT: The question is not about looking good for your mate. Assume you are going to work out, stay slim and they will find you attractive forever. The question is about feeling attractive to other members of the opposite sex based on your god given looks. Why would you care anymore if you are married?
Seriously? For the same reason you'd care and maintain your qualifications in a position on your dream job. Can you imagine, "Whew! I got the job, now I can slack off and let myself go".
I believe the day you stop caring is the day things begin to slide. When you are lucky enough to find someone to share your life with, you should have enough respect to be the best you can be. I would greatly resent the "Well now we're married so I don't have to try anymore" attitude.
Seriously? For the same reason you'd care and maintain your qualifications in a position on your dream job. Can you imagine, "Whew! I got the job, now I can slack off and let myself go".
I agree. But I think there's a bit of confusion around this topic. Letting yourself go may be more likely to be attributed to wearing slovenly clothes and gaining a lot of weight (beyond the natural changes due to the aging process). But I don't think that a wife not getting all dressed up with full hair done and makeup at all times is "letting yourself go". You should be able to be comfortable in your own home and not be judged for it by your partner.
I see what you're saying. You're not talking about letting yourself go, you're talking about worrying about it less.
The answer for me is yes and no. I do not worry about attracting other men, nor do I have any interest in competing with other women.
However I have no interest in going out with a group of people and being the one who didn't bother with my appearance. I probably do worry less about my attractiveness than when I was single, but I was never that worried about it. I'm decent enough looking - some men think I'm gorgeous, for others I'm just not their thing. So I've never really beat myself up about my looks especially and I don't now that I am married.
On the other hand I would say I actually spend MORE time and money on my appearance now I'm in my mid 30s simply due to the aging process and being able to afford to take care of myself.
DH & I both gained weight at one point and taking that off took time and effort. Now I work out (as you said you would), but I also take care of my skin and hair more than when I was younger. I do it for me, because I want to keep feeling good and confident and I think that my husband likes my 'feeling good about myself' attitude.
I would try and worry a little less about your looks. If you are working out and well groomed there will be women who find you attractive. Really confidence is so important. Very few people are attractive to everyone so don't pay any mind to the ones who aren't into you. Keep looking for the one that is! Then just keep yourself up, relax and enjoy.
its true, looks fade, and your spouse should love you for who you are, and husbands are always going to say you look good, whether you do or not because they dont want to hurt your feelings, however, what are they really feeling on the inside? if you were a slim person when he married you and then you gained 40-50lbs how is that fair to him, if he wanted an overweight person he would have married one in the first place, its really not fair to him to make him accept the fact that because you are married he needs to accept that you would let yourself go, he will tell you he loves for who you are but maybe he is repulsed on the inside, there are always going to be people who find overweight, or unattractive people attractive, they are always going to look, the one that should matter is your s/o, he or she should get what they married.
Not sure what in my post made you write all that?
Not to mention, SOMETIMES it's the guy who actually "let's himself go" or gains all the weight, don't forget that!
Admittedly, being married takes a lot of fun out of the "hunt." When I was single, I loved spending 2-3 hours getting dressed up, feeling like a million bucks, and then going out to see who I could rope in.
Now that I'm married, going through all of that effort to look good feels kind of pointless. It feels like shooting a deer that's already dead.
Being married is a double-sided coin. On the one side, you have the comfort of knowing you will always have someone around to kiss and cuddle with. But then, the thrill of the chase is gone. I always loved the chase. I secretly loved being involved with men who played games and pulled away now and then because I could keep on chasing them.
I keep myself in shape and I eat right, but I do that for myself first of all, because I've been a chubby couch potato before and I know it just feels SO much better to be in shape. But I don't spend hours getting decked out like I used to. My husband actually made a comment about that the other day when we were going out on one of our rare date nights and I was putting a lot of make-up on. He complained that I don't do that for him anymore, and it gave me pause.
But then, honestly, whether I spend an hour getting glammed up before he comes home, or if all I do is shower and put my hair in a ponytail, he does not react any differently. He doesn't come through the door and sweep me up in a passionate kiss on the days I put make-up on and do my hair. He doesn't give any indication that he notices a difference.
So really, I don't have much motivation to put all of that extra effort in anymore.
When I go out, I do still put in a lot of work on my appearance. I still want to look good in the eyes of the world. But I don't do nearly as much as I used to. It makes me a little sad that I can't "hunt" anymore. But being married has just as many positives as being single, you just have to focus on different things. Being jaw-droppingly attractive is no longer a big focus - at least to me.
If everyone thinks that you should still care about your looks after you get married, then I wonder where all these people who get fat after marriage come from.
I got a little confused when reading your question. What I think your looking for is will you be able to relax once you have found that special someone? Is that correct? If so then that depends on the person you find. My mate is great in that department. I had low self-esteem when we met and didn't always feel attractive. Now I feel beautiful in sweat pants lol. I still try to look my best in public tho. I'm not trying to attract anyone, I do it for me.
If anything looks matter even more after you get married. Sure you have the commitment but attraction is not a respecter of societal rules.
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For the same reason you'd care and maintain your qualifications in a position on your dream job. Can you imagine, "Whew! I got the job, now I can slack off and let myself go".
