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In that case, the only advice I can give you is to be patient.
Both of you.
My fiancee had similar issues to you, and I didn't know. In fairness, neither did she.
I thought everything was great, and I asked her to marry me. In fact, that's what actually brought me to this board in the first place !
Anyway, it triggered something in her, and she panicked. I damn near lost her. It was very close.
Learn to work with each other. Until you can let yourself go fully, you will need each others' help.
You will be fine, but it just takes time.
Wow, I am so glad everything worked out for you guys. I am glad I have told him about it. It seems to be much better that way, IMO.
I can tell you for certain, If he asked me, I would probably marry him tomorrow.... =)
Pikantari, believe me, I know where you're coming from. I was in a relationship where it got to the point where I was TOLD not to tell her how I felt, about anything. I basically bottled it all up inside - very unhealthy. Sex stopped, affection stopped, even hand-holding stopped. I basically did everything possible to avoid her, just so that we wouldn't argue, much less talk. That included working a lot of overtime, and basically not coming home.
Therapy helped me, and so did going out and finding someone else, once I knew what was going on inside my head. It took me a while to realize that women CAN be affectionate to you back, without my feeling guilty. I felt that my job was to give and give and give, and get nothing back, including affection. I realized that's not healthy, and that I deserved someone to love me back. And I'll tell you one more thing - once I realized all this, and women liked me for who I am as a person, WOW did it bring back my confidence!
I am so happy for you! When we are together, most always, we are touching, even if it is just our pinkeys wrapped around eachother.
I am a very touchie-feelie person, and he is as well. We are very affectionate towards one another and it feels wonderful. I think with me being the age I am and he the age he is it is very important. I guess its always important, but we aren't getting any younger, are we? =)
Givegivegive. With us, it's all about give and take... It feels so good.
This is why I've stated before that those of us who have had issues with past relationships, tend to carry that baggage into the next one. Like other's have said it take's time to get past said issue's. Sadly there is no other way past them other then time. Pikantari, from what I've seen from your post your a very carring person & you DO deserve to be happy. Let this man treat you like you should be treated & bask in every minute of it!
I was married for 28 years to an emotionally abusive man - later it became physical as well. I had no self-esteem. I believed him. Why not, he had isolated me enough that I had no other messages but those he gave me.
That marriage ended, thankfully and I began the process of finding myself again. I was nearly 50 and had so buried myself, I thought I'd never find me. But I did find myself and I met a man who celebrates me and isn't trying to change me. He supports me in every way - going back to college - in my 60s! I have laugh lines around my eyes - I used to look at women with them and know I'd never see them in my mirror - but I DO - I have laugh lines - and I laugh daily - many times.
For now, when you hear the old messages begin to play in your head - whatever the messages of no-worth you had been fed - turn them off. Imagine a tape player with an off switch. In the beginning, just recognizing those negative messages and stopping them will be difficult but after a while, you'll get the hang of it. Then, you can begin playing the NEW messages.
For now, take a bunch of 3x5 index cards and write positive statements about yourself. Need help thinking of things? Ask your friends, family, co-workers to help. Here's some: I am a competent woman. I am nice. I am smart. Tape them everywhere you will see them every day. On the mirror in the bathroom, on the closet door, on the microwave, etc. See them. Say them outloud. Yup, you're self-talking.
You will eventually begin to accept what your new partner sees in you as worthwhile attributes. Good luck. I KNOW this works.
After 18 years of abuse, it's not something you can just "get over" by trying to be positive and surrounding yourself with positive people. I highly recommend speaking to a therapist or psychologist, to work through this issue.
Your current SO loves you, but he won't want to hear you questioning his sweetness and kindess to you all the time. That is something you have to accept within yourself (via therapy), not seeking validation from him about your being a good person. Your happiness has to come from within, not from him.
Very insightful!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pikantari
It is the clearest thing in the world to him and seems to come so easily from him. The hard part is on me. Sometimes I fear that my worries of whether or not I deserve it may push him away.
With that, I have talked to him about it, he knows of my background and why I feel the way I do sometimes.
I have found myself a lot of the times just being with him and loving every minute of it, not questioning the why this or the why that. Those are the best times ever.
I am without work right now and I suppose that puts me in a depressive state of mind. He helps me, without my asking, and in my mind it is very confusing. I feel guilty that he has done whatever he may have done, and worried about how I will ever repay him. hardhardhard
Truly I'm glad (as other posters) that you have found a man who loves you in the truest sense of the word. Enjoy this bliss without trepidation...to avoid doing things that may appear "clingy" to some men.
OP-I think its going to take time to heal those old wounds. However, the problem is that if you continually "fight" his feelings he displays towards you, it could end up blowing up in your face. I understand it takes time for someone to realize things but how long is long enough before they give up?? I hope it works out and good for you!
OP-I think its going to take time to heal those old wounds. However, the problem is that if you continually "fight" his feelings he displays towards you, it could end up blowing up in your face. I understand it takes time for someone to realize things but how long is long enough before they give up?? I hope it works out and good for you!
I never ever fight his feelings. I embrace them and grab onto them as tight as I can!
Sometimes, well all the time, he is so sweet to me. So good to me. These are things very new to me, and it is taking time.
We've been together several months and it is working out well. I have a man that loves me and he has a woman that loves him just the same and is overjoyed by him.
The hard part is that every so often, that little part of me inside from before comes out. Questioning if I am worth it. I know that I am. I have to reassure myself at times, and sometimes I have to do like I did today and post about it. I know others have insight.
I went to my friend and talked to her about it today. She told me I was a good person and after all these years of being treated in such a way I deserve all of what is happening and I know she is right.
She asked me many questions of myself and always the answer was a good and positive one.....
One day I will get there..... all of these little thoughts that want to plague me will be a distant memory that I don't care to invite out.
I was married for 28 years to an emotionally abusive man - later it became physical as well. I had no self-esteem. I believed him. Why not, he had isolated me enough that I had no other messages but those he gave me.
That marriage ended, thankfully and I began the process of finding myself again. I was nearly 50 and had so buried myself, I thought I'd never find me. But I did find myself and I met a man who celebrates me and isn't trying to change me. He supports me in every way - going back to college - in my 60s! I have laugh lines around my eyes - I used to look at women with them and know I'd never see them in my mirror - but I DO - I have laugh lines - and I laugh daily - many times.
For now, when you hear the old messages begin to play in your head - whatever the messages of no-worth you had been fed - turn them off. Imagine a tape player with an off switch. In the beginning, just recognizing those negative messages and stopping them will be difficult but after a while, you'll get the hang of it. Then, you can begin playing the NEW messages.
For now, take a bunch of 3x5 index cards and write positive statements about yourself. Need help thinking of things? Ask your friends, family, co-workers to help. Here's some: I am a competent woman. I am nice. I am smart. Tape them everywhere you will see them every day. On the mirror in the bathroom, on the closet door, on the microwave, etc. See them. Say them outloud. Yup, you're self-talking.
You will eventually begin to accept what your new partner sees in you as worthwhile attributes. Good luck. I KNOW this works.
Thank you for your story, NY Annie. I am so happy for you that you got away and that you are so happy in your life now.
Those laugh lines... I have them as well. For the most part, I am a very happy person, but this part of me does surface......
This is why I've stated before that those of us who have had issues with past relationships, tend to carry that baggage into the next one. Like other's have said it take's time to get past said issue's. Sadly there is no other way past them other then time. Pikantari, from what I've seen from your post your a very carring person & you DO deserve to be happy. Let this man treat you like you should be treated & bask in every minute of it!
HEY! Yep, it takes time. You know I had that other thread where I was writing out my day to day feelings and total happiness and it was quite a bit therapeutic for me. I have not written since they closed it and the not so positive feelings have crept out, which sux.
I will let him continue on and I will bask in every single minute of it! BIG SMILES!
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