U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 1.5 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jump to a detailed profile or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Business Search - 14 Million verified businesses
Search for:  near: 
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-03-2011, 01:35 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,739 posts, read 4,253,579 times
Reputation: 7251
Default Is there a place in the dating world for mentally ill women

Hello. maybe some of the good folks here can help me sort a few things out! I will be 32 in a few months and I have never been on a date or nor had sex When I was much younger I tried to get boyfriends like the other girls around me but didn't really understand how to go about it & no one ever asked me outright -- so I would randomly 'accost' guys at my schools (maybe did this 3 or 4 times) and they instantly rejected me, which left me feeling insecure and hurt. I gave up on that approach, moved on to college and to make a long story short men there didn't seem to notice me either, like I was invisible. People have told me I am unapproachable but I do not know why b/c I rarely say anything and I am very shy and nervous around people. To make matters worse, I have severe fears of intimacies with males. From what I have seen and read, the modern dating world is simply to fast for me, LOL. Most of these other adults have been very judgmental towards people that don't fit what they're looking for. I don't feel I can compete with these other women in various categories so maybe should stop fooling myself? But how to do that?

I have been in therapy and on medication now for depression, anxiety disorder, OCD and beleive I have either Aspgergers or schizoid personality disorder. I dunno. I seen a number of times where the men say they 'don't want head cases or psychos' and that makes me feel bad also. I had a small circle of female friends and 2 or 3 guys friends for most of my life that I completely cut off contact with a few years back. I did that because it became increasingly uncomfortable to 'match' up with their lives of S.O's, children, marriage, etc. when I live alone and had none of that. So now, I have one friend that is married and I can only "tolerate" socially a few get togethers with her and her husband sometimes, they are 25 years older than me. I would like to know if anybody thinks there's any hope for somebody like me? if not, how can I just get over the whole wanting to date and find someone and be happy being alone? ty.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-03-2011, 02:50 AM
 
Location: SWUS
5,385 posts, read 4,050,352 times
Reputation: 5628
Quote:
Originally Posted by redlipsticklola View Post
Hello. maybe some of the good folks here can help me sort a few things out! I will be 32 in a few months and I have never been on a date or nor had sex When I was much younger I tried to get boyfriends like the other girls around me but didn't really understand how to go about it & no one ever asked me outright -- so I would randomly 'accost' guys at my schools (maybe did this 3 or 4 times) and they instantly rejected me, which left me feeling insecure and hurt. I gave up on that approach, moved on to college and to make a long story short men there didn't seem to notice me either, like I was invisible. People have told me I am unapproachable but I do not know why b/c I rarely say anything and I am very shy and nervous around people. To make matters worse, I have severe fears of intimacies with males. From what I have seen and read, the modern dating world is simply to fast for me, LOL. Most of these other adults have been very judgmental towards people that don't fit what they're looking for. I don't feel I can compete with these other women in various categories so maybe should stop fooling myself? But how to do that?

I have been in therapy and on medication now for depression, anxiety disorder, OCD and beleive I have either Aspgergers or schizoid personality disorder. I dunno. I seen a number of times where the men say they 'don't want head cases or psychos' and that makes me feel bad also. I had a small circle of female friends and 2 or 3 guys friends for most of my life that I completely cut off contact with a few years back. I did that because it became increasingly uncomfortable to 'match' up with their lives of S.O's, children, marriage, etc. when I live alone and had none of that. So now, I have one friend that is married and I can only "tolerate" socially a few get togethers with her and her husband sometimes, they are 25 years older than me. I would like to know if anybody thinks there's any hope for somebody like me? if not, how can I just get over the whole wanting to date and find someone and be happy being alone? ty.
First of all, don't self-diagnose when it comes to medical/psychiatric problems. You could very well be worrying yourself for nothing and that is not good for your health at all.

Secondly, anxiety and OCD can be overcome, you have to work at it. I don't have any of those behaviors myself, but I know people who do and even though they had to fight for it every step of the way, they got over it and have been able to function in a more "normal" fashion (or whatever that means.)

I'm willing to guess that it's not much more than difficulty socializing with people, which might be the cause of your anxiety in the first place. Trust me, I have difficulties with it too... but it's something that will make your life so much easier when you start to figure it out.

There is hope for you, just be willing to put in the effort to make changes necessary fo improve yourself. Good luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-03-2011, 06:18 AM
 
366 posts, read 303,443 times
Reputation: 443
Default Redlipsticklola :) there's always hope!

Quote:
Originally Posted by redlipsticklola View Post
Hello. maybe some of the good folks here can help me sort a few things out! I will be 32 in a few months and I have never been on a date or nor had sex .... People have told me I am unapproachable but I do not know why b/c I rarely say anything and I am very shy and nervous around people. To make matters worse, I have severe fears of intimacies with males. From what I have seen and read, the modern dating world is simply to fast for me, LOL....I have been in therapy and on medication now for depression, anxiety disorder, OCD ...I seen a number of times where the men say they 'don't want head cases or psychos' and that makes me feel bad also....I would like to know if anybody thinks there's any hope for somebody like me? if not, how can I just get over the whole wanting to date and find someone and be happy being alone? ty.
Your CDF id: "redlipsticklola," leads me to believe that you're a very desirable or attractive woman. However, I think you're making a big deal about still being a virgin as you approach you're thirty - second birthday, especially since you've stated that you "have severe fears of intimacies with males," and that a "modern dating world is simply to fast," for you. That's quite a conundrum, redlipsticklola: part of you desires sexual intimacy with men, yet you feel disconnected with the thought of having sexual intimacy with men. You also mentioned that you're "unapproachable," but admit to the fact that you "rarely say anything" and you're "very shy and nervous around people." Again, your desire to connect with men is negated by a conflicting personal issue. I think these issues have to find resolution with a professional therapist.

As far as you being depressed, well, you're not alone, so don't make that a separate issue from your relationship with men. As long as you believe that you want to find happiness, then there's always the possibility that you will have happiness in your life.

Moderator cut: photos are copyright

Last edited by Keeper; 12-03-2011 at 06:42 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-03-2011, 08:12 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,574 posts, read 3,651,267 times
Reputation: 6077
Everyone has a place in the world.

Sometimes we don't realise where that place is until we stumble across it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-03-2011, 08:20 AM
 
2,860 posts, read 3,055,470 times
Reputation: 5967
Your post was well-written and articulate which shows you are very intelligent and have a lot of self-insight. I do suggest you continue your therapy just to diagnose (or NOT to diagnose) your anxiety issues. Millions and millions of people suffer from anxiety disorders, they are very common and you shouldn't chastise yourself for having something you cannot control without medication.

As for being a virgin, you can look through the archives on this Forum and find that many, many people are virgins when they're in their 30's and 40's. Most have extreme "shame" or worry about in incessantly, though others seem not to care and are content with being a virgin. My suggestion is to find an older man who will see you through your first sexual experience. You're making too big a deal out of it, having sex is not going to change you or transform you. But you admit to being lonely and want intimacy, which is completely normal.

Why not find a man in their late 40's to see you through this? You seem to have low self-esteem, so use the asset you do have: your youth. You're a young woman to a 50 year old man and that alone will make you desirable.

You don't sound mentally ill to me, you sound confused and lonely, which are feelings everyone experiences. You may need different meds to successfully deal with your anxiety. I wish you the best of luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-03-2011, 10:32 AM
 
Location: Harrisonburg, VA
993 posts, read 777,182 times
Reputation: 1180
Quote:
Originally Posted by redlipsticklola View Post
Hello. maybe some of the good folks here can help me sort a few things out! I will be 32 in a few months and I have never been on a date or nor had sex When I was much younger I tried to get boyfriends like the other girls around me but didn't really understand how to go about it & no one ever asked me outright -- so I would randomly 'accost' guys at my schools (maybe did this 3 or 4 times) and they instantly rejected me, which left me feeling insecure and hurt. I gave up on that approach, moved on to college and to make a long story short men there didn't seem to notice me either, like I was invisible. People have told me I am unapproachable but I do not know why b/c I rarely say anything and I am very shy and nervous around people. To make matters worse, I have severe fears of intimacies with males. From what I have seen and read, the modern dating world is simply to fast for me, LOL. Most of these other adults have been very judgmental towards people that don't fit what they're looking for. I don't feel I can compete with these other women in various categories so maybe should stop fooling myself? But how to do that?

I have been in therapy and on medication now for depression, anxiety disorder, OCD and beleive I have either Aspgergers or schizoid personality disorder. I dunno. I seen a number of times where the men say they 'don't want head cases or psychos' and that makes me feel bad also. I had a small circle of female friends and 2 or 3 guys friends for most of my life that I completely cut off contact with a few years back. I did that because it became increasingly uncomfortable to 'match' up with their lives of S.O's, children, marriage, etc. when I live alone and had none of that. So now, I have one friend that is married and I can only "tolerate" socially a few get togethers with her and her husband sometimes, they are 25 years older than me. I would like to know if anybody thinks there's any hope for somebody like me? if not, how can I just get over the whole wanting to date and find someone and be happy being alone? ty.
I have OCD too /highfive
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-03-2011, 10:33 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,290 posts, read 4,445,608 times
Reputation: 8956
Be careful attaching labels to yourself . . . labels are manmade and as far as I can tell, mostly support the pharmaceutical industry . . .you are a female human being . . .with talents and skills . . .for some reason, you have not socialized as far as dating is concerned.

I would get into therapy with a highly qualified therapist (you might have to try a few to find the right one) . . .and build on your self-esteem . . .who knows, you might have an artist's or scientist's temperament . . .are you an Introvert? There is lots of info about Introverts on the web.

Don't trash yourself . . .your self-esteem is important.

I would follow hobbies you absolutely love and when you are engaging in something you love with others in volunteer activities or classes . . .you might meet someone interesting. Be open to it . . .
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-03-2011, 11:22 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,739 posts, read 4,253,579 times
Reputation: 7251
OK I should've been more clear that I am in therapy and am on medication now for years. Therapy is a joke IMO, it doesn't work I don't care if its worked for millions of others -- it doesn't for everyone that gets into it. Also, I am not completely self diagnosed, I am diagnosed as well as have discussed other things with my therapist like aspergers. I didn't just pick things out of the DSM and play mix and match, LOL.

Edit: OK any way I say this I'm going to sound like an a-hole but I don't know a lot of 30 year old women that want to date 50 and 60 year old men. I'm attracted to guys in my own age group, no offense. and yes I feel I am intelligent but that doesn't mean I'm not mentally sick. ty
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-03-2011, 11:24 AM
 
Location: Harrisonburg, VA
993 posts, read 777,182 times
Reputation: 1180
Quote:
Originally Posted by redlipsticklola View Post
OK I should've been more clear that I am in therapy and am on medication now for years. Therapy is a joke IMO, it doesn't work I don't care if its worked for millions of others -- it doesn't for everyone that gets into it. Also, I am not completely self diagnosed, I am diagnosed as well as have discussed other things with my therapist like aspergers. I didn't just pick things out of the DSM and play mix and match, LOL.
What kind of OCD do you have Do you constantly check things before you go to bed
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-03-2011, 11:26 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,290 posts, read 4,445,608 times
Reputation: 8956
I am just saying to hold those diagnoses lightly - they are manmade creations - there is no discreet thing as "schizoid" or "Asperger's" - those are LABELS ascribed to a bunch of "symptoms" . . . there are other ways of looking at your "issues" and if therapy has not worked for you, you don't have the right therapist, because with the right therapist, you are encouraged to change destructive habits, get support for the things you need support in, etc.

If you want to see yourself as flawed and "messed up" the popular culture will support you in that. I was trying to give you another perspective. If interested, check out "Narrative Therapy" or get a spiritual counselor who does not pathologize people along with their "symptoms."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $79,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2014, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 - Top