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Old 08-29-2007, 12:21 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,242,096 times
Reputation: 917

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My ex-husband moved in his lover, who he eventually married, one month after our divorce was final. We had actually attended the state mandatory divorced parents workshop together....his arm around me the entire time. There, the expert speaker opened his lesson by telling us he was going to teach us how not to screw up our kids.

Number one rule...no serious relationships within the first two years. He broke that one.

Shortly after they married, things went terribly down hill in their marriage. (See the last ten posts in this forum, lol.) Since his affair with her ended our marriage, I had only one bit of advise for him and told him....

"If you two fail, we all look like fools."

It's true...he and I would still be married today if it wasn't for her. (Although I don't blame her and today we actually speak candidly as friends. I tried to warn her, lol.)

But I have an ulterior motive. I want them to suffer. I want them to stay together in his miserable existence. I want her to suffer the same misery I suffered with him for thirteen years and would have gladly suffered another stoic lifetime for the sake of our daughter.

Is that wrong? They've held on for another two years and I'm quite pleased.

 
Old 08-29-2007, 02:44 AM
 
94 posts, read 335,767 times
Reputation: 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by MainStreet View Post
My ex-husband moved in his lover, who he eventually married, one month after our divorce was final. We had actually attended the state mandatory divorced parents workshop together....his arm around me the entire time. There, the expert speaker opened his lesson by telling us he was going to teach us how not to screw up our kids.

Number one rule...no serious relationships within the first two years. He broke that one.

Shortly after they married, things went terribly down hill in their marriage. (See the last ten posts in this forum, lol.) Since his affair with her ended our marriage, I had only one bit of advise for him and told him....

"If you two fail, we all look like fools."

It's true...he and I would still be married today if it wasn't for her. (Although I don't blame her and today we actually speak candidly as friends. I tried to warn her, lol.)

But I have an ulterior motive. I want them to suffer. I want them to stay together in his miserable existence. I want her to suffer the same misery I suffered with him for thirteen years and would have gladly suffered another stoic lifetime for the sake of our daughter.

Is that wrong? They've held on for another two years and I'm quite pleased.


IT's wrong...and most women have ulterior motives in almost every situation.
Seek a shrink...for those two additional years would have been with you and you're miserable suffering.

Many people will stay in a unhappy marriage. Some do it because of children. They become comfortable with the uncomfortable.

I'm not happy that your ex cheated on you, but the outcome was for the best between the two of you. It's the children that suffer the most from broken marriages.

Since the ex started the new relationship during your marriage, the 'two year rule' doesn't apply. Your ex was unhappy and found happiness outside of the 'not as good' situation.
 
Old 08-29-2007, 02:59 AM
 
Location: San Gabriel Valley, CA
12,552 posts, read 12,844,584 times
Reputation: 8413
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelGood View Post


(snip) and most women have ulterior motives in almost every situation.
Can you please stop making sweeping misogynistic generalizations?
 
Old 08-29-2007, 03:41 AM
 
94 posts, read 335,767 times
Reputation: 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
Can you please stop making sweeping misogynistic generalizations?
Temper Temper

Most = 50.1%, to be more sensitive than most.

I understand how the perception could appear to be misogynistic generalization, but I believe there was a misunderstanding. Most women might say things with a different meaning behind their real feelings. Some men are just as guilty, but the track record is different.

Women:"Petite or slender" is meaning "Ten pounds overweight." The System

Men: 'In shape' is meaning 'round is a shape.'

If someone is against reading politically incorrect thoughts, skip to the next post. I didn't force anyone to read it, so don't get bent out of shape.

The way you're currently thinking is affecting your beliefs. Being a male and typing about what I read, the knowledge I paid for and the experiences from interviewing thousands of folks provide the conclusion I posted above. Facts of life don't always fall in our direction. That's why I change my direction.

I'm not hating, just sharing the reality factor. Too many insecure folks worry about what other people think and forget to live their own lives to achieve their own goals. Giving up what you've got to get what you want is the step I made, how about you?

Grudges and hating wastes time...

Last edited by FeelGood; 08-29-2007 at 04:23 AM..
 
Old 08-29-2007, 05:50 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,242,096 times
Reputation: 917
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelGood View Post


IT's wrong...and most women have ulterior motives in almost every situation.
Seek a shrink...for those two additional years would have been with you and you're miserable suffering.

Many people will stay in a unhappy marriage. Some do it because of children. They become comfortable with the uncomfortable.

I'm not happy that your ex cheated on you, but the outcome was for the best between the two of you. It's the children that suffer the most from broken marriages.

Since the ex started the new relationship during your marriage, the 'two year rule' doesn't apply. Your ex was unhappy and found happiness outside of the 'not as good' situation.
Well...the problem is that I am happy my ex husband cheated on me (read last 10 posts, lol.) It was a long time ago. I'm not happy for my daughter, but of the adults in the situation.... I walked out of there with $100 and a fork and I'm the only one that is happy today. My point is....cheating is not worth ANYTHING....it just is not worth it....and for them to "bail" after only a brief try....well it's a terrible injustice to my daughter. Heck with me...

And what you said about the two year rule not applying.....it's for the kids....we were to not introduce a partner for two years to the kids....has nothing to do with the adults.

Last edited by MainStreet; 08-29-2007 at 06:01 AM..
 
Old 08-29-2007, 06:00 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,242,096 times
Reputation: 917
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelGood View Post
Temper Temper

Most = 50.1%, to be more sensitive than most.

I understand how the perception could appear to be misogynistic generalization, but I believe there was a misunderstanding. Most women might say things with a different meaning behind their real feelings. Some men are just as guilty, but the track record is different.

Women:"Petite or slender" is meaning "Ten pounds overweight." The System

Men: 'In shape' is meaning 'round is a shape.'

If someone is against reading politically incorrect thoughts, skip to the next post. I didn't force anyone to read it, so don't get bent out of shape.

The way you're currently thinking is affecting your beliefs. Being a male and typing about what I read, the knowledge I paid for and the experiences from interviewing thousands of folks provide the conclusion I posted above. Facts of life don't always fall in our direction. That's why I change my direction.

I'm not hating, just sharing the reality factor. Too many insecure folks worry about what other people think and forget to live their own lives to achieve their own goals. Giving up what you've got to get what you want is the step I made, how about you?

Grudges and hating wastes time...
I don't have a grudge, she did me a HUGE favor by taking him off my hands. I have taken the high road over and over and over and over. I didn't contest the divorce...yes, he divorced me because I refused to divorce him. He kept all of my things out of pure laziness. They are in his mother's basement getting wet and moldy. My family heirlooms, photographs....he told my daughter to tell everyone that his gf was their cousin.

I'm not bitter or hateful. My point is, if they are going to go to all this trouble. Sleep in my bed while I was away visiting my parents. Make me feel like I was nuts because I knew something was wrong. Go to all that trouble....then give your marriage half a chance and not bail because you are too stupid or weak to work on it. (Not mine....theirs.)

I have survivors guilt....I'm the only one that came out smelling like a rose, despite them. lol...Lighten up people.
 
Old 08-29-2007, 06:06 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,242,096 times
Reputation: 917
Whoever sent me the rep, thank you. My point also...I definately moved on (read last 15 posts, lol) from the very first day, again, I can't say this enough, I didn't want the divorce for my daughter, but I definately wanted out of the marriage. He is horrible. My point is...again, my daughter and I are very happy. But watching those two goofs go at it over the same issues I had with him is like watching an old rerun. I want him to FINALLY get help and learn how to be a husband and father, rather than repeating it all with another woman. At least I would have stayed with him and continued to let him do whatever he wanted like I did for 13 years.

"If you two fail, we all look like fools." (to our daughter.)
 
Old 08-29-2007, 06:14 AM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 5,806,380 times
Reputation: 1719
Seems to me, if you had your daughters best interests in mind, you would have encouraged them to end it asap. Letting her witness their misery like she did yours for 13 years is only doing her MORE harm. I don't care what people say, "kids KNOW when parents aren't happy"! This is just my opinion ofcourse, but I would say Shame on you for putting your daughter in the middle, because that's what you're doing,no matter what you tell yourself...
 
Old 08-29-2007, 06:26 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,242,096 times
Reputation: 917
Quote:
Originally Posted by floridadreamer View Post
Seems to me, if you had your daughters best interests in mind, you would have encouraged them to end it asap. Letting her witness their misery like she did yours for 13 years is only doing her MORE harm. I don't care what people say, "kids KNOW when parents aren't happy"! This is just my opinion ofcourse, but I would say Shame on you for putting your daughter in the middle, because that's what you're doing,no matter what you tell yourself...
That's the kicker, she didn't have a clue. The last year of our marriage, after the affair was the best of the marriage. After I caught them, he bought me a boat out of the blue. We traveled with her, boated all over two states. Then I was served papers. She never witnessed a thing. Despite his depression, his moods, we were very happy. Good jobs, nice house. She told an adult friend that it blindsided her, she had no idea anything was wrong. Heck, I didn't either until I came home from a trip with her and he had change our bed sheets for the first time in 13 years. I loved being married. And I would have worked on it...made him go back to a doctor, get back on medication. Divorce was not an option for me...we were a normal family.

Guess what he told his friends he divorced me over? Because I was fat.

He told me that making love to me was like making love to a hole in a mattress. Only a few months after the divorce, I had lost 120 lbs.

When did I put my daughter in the middle? I'm staying single indefinitely for her best interest, put her in the best school in the state and the only time she's been disciplined by me in the last seven years is when she bad mouthed her stepmother to me. Her stepmother and I are friends. I watch her daughter. That woman works her but off, works full time, goes to school and has to put up with that man. She told me the other day that she is not opposed to divorce and would save herself and her daughter (we both have daughters) in a heartbeat. If they break up, I'll be happy for her.

He has not maintained relations with his family either. Doesn't talk to any of his parents. (I do still.) He a mystery to all of us.
 
Old 08-29-2007, 07:03 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,242,096 times
Reputation: 917
I thought I would add the similarities in my ex-husband's women.

I am 15 years older than she is, but she is wise beyond her years.

We both are mother's of daughters.

We both work full-time jobs (and she goes to college) to help support his race car, his ATVs, his guitars. I worked double shifts for three years straight. Both women have strong work ethics.

Both women mysteriously were diagnosed with Grave's disease within months of the divorce. My thyroid was destroyed by radiation, her's was removed.

Both women had no prior experience with alcoholics until we met his parents.

We completely swapped roles. She was a single mother who drove a truck and I was a married mother who drove a SUV. Now she is the married woman who drives a SUV and I'm the single mother who drives a truck.

Both women have a lot of joy in their life despite his depression that he refuses to take his medication for.

We both screened his mail, because even the same monthly electric bill throws him into a tirade.

We both did all the packing, hauling and unpacking when the family moved.

We support each other out of common experiences and know that every hiccup is just an opportunity to learn.

We both turn and look at our daughter's when they speak to us, rather than their father screaming 'WHAT!' like he hates them.

The reason I didn't encourage them to divorce is because in the long run I didn't want them to blame me for it. He's going to end up a miserable, lonely old man...she and I agree on it.

Oh and one more thing...she and I both agree that "anything" can be solved by candid open discussion and we laugh that at the time I found out she was sleeping with my husband, she would call me crying "Mrs. _______, I am so sorry." She was that young that she called me Mrs....sweet.
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