Would you help your wife stand up to her parents? (marriage, loyalty)
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My wife is a "door mat" to her very mean and emotional stunted parents. Her parents have always treated her rudely with extreme coldness her entire life. We only see them a few times a year, thank god!
I have noticed recently the abuse has increased and they will say or do things to her that are just cruel. My wife is weak and intimidated with her parents and will act like she is ignoring the abuse, but refuses to say anything herself, so the abuse gets worse.
What is the role of the husband in standing up for his wife when in laws abuse her? Should I speak up and tell them in no uncertain terms not to talk to her that way or just let her take the abuse?
I talked to my wife about this and she said if the moment is right and she is being abused by her Mom and Dad and I feel I need to speak up, then go for it, but so far I have stayed quiet. But I may explode any day now and Christmas is coming up!
Since your timid wife has given you the go ahead to stand up for her, you should do so. There is no way in the world you should let her parents bully her. You are her knight in shining armor and the time is now to set these mean folks straight.
To answer your question, yes, you should speak up and tell them in no uncertain terms that they are not to speak to your wife in such a manner and that as long as you are alive this will not be tolerated. Your wife needs you to stand up for her and protect her from these abusive people.
Of course, that's part of protecting the misses. People like her parents need to be put in their place, oftentimes with the same venom (or worse) than what they dish out to her.
I did for the ex. The mother acted like it wasn't true. I mean flat out crazy. Like she would say something was blue...i would say she said something was blue, but she would deny she called it blue but said she called it red.
Obviously I am not talking about colors but you know what I mean.
Long story short is: he stopped talking to her after he finally blew up, after I confronted her. It seemed seeing someone else do it first gave him the confidence in knowing it was wrong and I didn't bend to her head games.
Anytime in my life I ever stood up for someone I was preparing to be hated by whoever I was standing up to. No one likes to be called on their crap. Especially those types.
I'd suggest two changes in your behavior. Don't go any more, and tell your wife she can go by herself, and explain why. Why would anyone subject themselves to such abuse willingly? The second action is to go and support your wife, and give them an honest evaluation of what you think of them. However if you do this, I would not stay with them. Get a motel first. Prepare for fireworks and plan on leaving early. They will probably not want you to come again. Then you can tell your wife they are trying to destroy your marriage by only inviting her. IMHO, as your wife, her primary human relationship is with you and her loyalty to her parents is secondary.
It's a slippery slope my friend. On one hand you have a wife that for some reason doesn't want to stand up for herself against her parents. I suspect because she doesn't want to be disrespectful or mean to them. (I speak from experience). On the other, you don't want to see her hurt by her parents. Where's your role in this?
I would focus my energy on helping your wife stand up for herself. Sure enough as you blow your top with her parents, at some point she may get upset with you for doing it. I'm not saying stand by and do nothing if they are really treating her badly but it would be better just to remove her from the environment than confront them in the same manner.
Now that she is an adult, she has to demand respect for herself and there's nothing wrong with her letting her parents know she expects it from them as well.
Theres is that old saying "blood is thicker than water." If your wife has been dealing with this all her life she probably dosen't need any help at this point. Now that she is an adult she has a choice whether or not to be around her parents. I would stay out of the fray but build her up when the two of you are alone and away from the parents. IMO families who have this kind of long term problem will allow the fighting to become their only way of relating to one another. So on one hand it is dysfunctional but on the other hand it is how they communicate.
My wife is a "door mat" to her very mean and emotional stunted parents. Her parents have always treated her rudely with extreme coldness her entire life. We only see them a few times a year, thank god!
I have noticed recently the abuse has increased and they will say or do things to her that are just cruel. My wife is weak and intimidated with her parents and will act like she is ignoring the abuse, but refuses to say anything herself, so the abuse gets worse.
What is the role of the husband in standing up for his wife when in laws abuse her? Should I speak up and tell them in no uncertain terms not to talk to her that way or just let her take the abuse?
I talked to my wife about this and she said if the moment is right and she is being abused by her Mom and Dad and I feel I need to speak up, then go for it, but so far I have stayed quiet. But I may explode any day now and Christmas is coming up!
If I were married, and the wife's parents were verbally or emotionally abusive to her...yes I would stand up to her parents and help her; absolutely
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