Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My relationship history, well, sucks. I'm almost 34, and was married for a very short period of time (entire relationship from first date to him moving out, was 2 years and 9 months), and it'll be 7 years in March since we split.
Before him, I had one relationship that lasted over 2 months. It was only 10 months.
After him, I had only one relationship that lasted over 2 months. It was also 10 months.
In the 7 years since my divorce, I've dated a LOT. Roughly 40 guys, anywhere from one date to 2 months (plus the 10 month guy, my One That Got Away). Most have been met through online dating, a few through work, and even a couple that I'd gone to high school with that I reconnected with on facebook.
I'm now currently with someone for 4 months. It's not really working out (we're just very different, and while we do care about each other, we seem to argue a lot because of our differences), but I'm terrified to end it. What if he's the best person I can find? What if he's the ONLY person that will want to be with me? He's only the 4th person that's wanted to be with me for longer than 2 months in the last 15 years. I've essentially been single for 11 of the last 15 years.
I hate the dating game. The getting to know you thing. You ask the same questions and get to the same point with every guy, then that ends and you start all over, and again and again and again. It's like the movie Groundhog Day. I've gotten numb to it all, and get sick to my stomach thinking about having to go out there and do it again. I'm a relationship person, the hanging out on the couch, baking cookies, working in the yard together kind of girl. Not the pick me up at the door and go to a restaurant and movie kind of girl.
Everyone says, just stop looking, and he'll find you. Bull****. I've purposely taken several periods of "reflection on myself" and not put myself out there looking, and not one person ever found me during those times. (The last time was over a year!)
I'm going to be 34 in 3 months. I want a husband and children. I never wanted to have children after 35 due to the increased risk to mother and baby. But the timer's pretty much reached zero on that.
The guy I'm with now, we have that comfortable relationship thing. We putter around the house together, hang out on the couch in our pajamas and messy hair, and just generally feel like we've been together for a long time. There's no awkwardness there. He wants a family just like I do. But we're both very stubborn and strong willed people, who are completely opposite on a lot of things (some important, some not so important), and it's like a pissing match when we both want something our way and neither one wants to give in. Actually, I find myself giving in, even though I don't want to, just to keep the peace. We do care about each other, but we also know that we're not each other's great "love of our life" and never will be.
Number one, don't settle...you're better off alone.
Number two, you're still relatively young at age 34, so don't be in a panic just yet. I understand the biological clock is ticking and you want children, but you still have a few healthy years ahead and if it doesn't work out, you can always consider adoption.
Do you have close friends outside of these relationships? Start developing a healthy social life that includes platonic friendships as well as intimate ones. If you're worried about being alone during the golden years, your friends will be the next best thing, even more important in some ways.
Even if you find the love of your life tomorrow, there is no guarantee that you will have children (suppose he doesn't want kids!) and there is no guarantee that you will both live to enjoy your golden years together.
Sounds to me like you might want to look in the mirror and see why no relationship works for long. I don't intend this as a mean comment. We all have areas that probably need a little improvement.
Many people who are seeking that "perfect" person rarely end up with anybody long term. I've seen it with my friends. It's sad too. We all have faults... and your post makes it sound like that is all you intend to see. There is nothing wrong with being able to see red flags, but dwelling on what is wrong rather than enjoying what is right can make it tough. I have been with my wife for many years. We both have our faults, but we genuinely enjoy our life together. She is by far my best friend.
I wish you all of the luck in the world... but sometimes you have to go out and make your own luck!
let's not beat around the bush...time is not on your side if your intention is to be married and have kids. Taking all of that into consideration, you have to think about just how valuable this relationship is to you.
IMO from what you've said here, it doesn't sound like you're really unhappy or being abused or anything like that. And by looking at the entire picture, I think you should salvage the relationship, however I think you two of you could just benefit from some fine tuning. Perhaps the two of you could seek a professional relationship/marriage counselor so that the two of you can learn to balance each other out. Otherwise, I think you'll end up chasing this illusion of perfection whether you are with him or not.
OP, I think it's normal to have fears about winding up alone and never meeting Mr. Right and having children. I think many women have that. I certainly do.
But that fear shouldn't push you into desperation or to force a match with a guy who's just not a good fit. You seem to be doing the latter
From your own words, this guy you are seeing doesn't seem to be a good match, but you are holding on to him because you fear being alone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmjones311
I'm now currently with someone for 4 months. It's not really working out (we're just very different, and while we do care about each other, we seem to argue a lot because of our differences), but I'm terrified to end it. What if he's the best person I can find? What if he's the ONLY person that will want to be with me? He's only the 4th person that's wanted to be with me for longer than 2 months in the last 15 years.
I have not met someone who has had a successful union with that type of thinking going into it. Ok say you marry this guy, would all your differences suddenly disappear? What would day to day life with him really be like? Does that sound like the marriage of your dreams?
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmjones311
But we're both very stubborn and strong willed people, who are completely opposite on a lot of things (some important, some not so important), and it's like a pissing match when we both want something our way and neither one wants to give in. Actually, I find myself giving in, even though I don't want to, just to keep the peace. We do care about each other, but we also know that we're not each other's great "love of our life" and never will be.
Any words of wisdom?
Don't get me wrong, I understand your worry, but you don't want to jump from a frying pan into the fire. You don't want to end up in a worse situation. Yeah the dating game sucks balls, but it's better to be single than to be in an unloving marriage that you can't get out of. Imagine that you are legally tied to this guy? What if he asks for a divorce? What if to divorce him, you have to pay him a large settlement (I am just throwing things out there, don't know your financial situation but it's good to think about)
As far as babies beyond 35, my best friend's mom had her at 50 (she's African just like myself and no medical assistance was used). Many women are having healthy babies in their 40s and 50s here in the U.S both naturally and with medical assistance. You still have plenty of time.
To the OP, sorry to have to break this to you, but you could end up alone anyway, even if you do find someone, get married, and have kids. First of all, women generally live longer than men. I work in the financial services industry, and I see this a lot. We have several widows who are all living alone; one of them is 90 years old now. Even if you have children, there is no guarantee they'll be there for you in your old age. More than likely they'll be busy with their own lives and raising their own families.
I advocate that you keep looking, since you really do want to connect with someone and have a family. However, just keep in mind that the end of your life may look much like it does right now.
To the OP, sorry to have to break this to you, but you could end up alone anyway, even if you do find someone, get married, and have kids. First of all, women generally live longer than men. I work in the financial services industry, and I see this a lot. We have several widows who are all living alone; one of them is 90 years old now. Even if you have children, there is no guarantee they'll be there for you in your old age. More than likely they'll be busy with their own lives and raising their own families.
I advocate that you keep looking, since you really do want to connect with someone and have a family. However, just keep in mind that the end of your life may look much like it does right now.
Not to be a Debbie downer, but, I agree with this post, to a degree at least. Having children doesn't always guarantee that you'll have someone in your life.
In so far as a mate goes, it does get harder. I've been in a relationship for a long long time, but I look around and see as I get older and other people in my age ranges, (low 40's) there isn't as many people out there, and the ones that are have more and more baggage... Heck just look at some of the posts here.
I'm now currently with someone for 4 months. It's not really working out (we're just very different, and while we do care about each other, we seem to argue a lot because of our differences), but I'm terrified to end it. What if he's the best person I can find? What if he's the ONLY person that will want to be with me? He's only the 4th person that's wanted to be with me for longer than 2 months in the last 15 years. I've essentially been single for 11 of the last 15 years.
OP, I can relate A LOT to what you wrote and I'm sure a lot of other women can too. I'm 30, currently single, never married, no children. My dating history has been nothing to brag about either. My longest relationship was about a year and a half, and other than that, I've had lots of first dates and a few 1-3 month flings. I would love to find "The One" and get married, but now that I'm getting older, I feel like maybe I seriously need to find a "Mr. Good Enough" and just settle.
I've been reading Lori Gottlieb's book "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" and while I find it enlightening, it's also terrifying! Maybe I have been focusing on the wrong things when looking for a partner and I've probably passed up lots of good guys who I could've been happy with although I didn't think they were my "ideal" guy. I don't know if you're familiar with the book I mentioned, but the author basically states that as women get older, it's highly unlikely that our options are going to get any better, so there's no guarantee that you'll find anyone better than your current guy, and if he meets your own personal three basic relationship needs and you think he'd make a good husband and father, you should "settle" for him because if you wait 5 years from now, your options most likely won't be any better and you'll be wishing you still had him (according to this book). Since you've been married before, you probably have a much better understanding than I do of what you need in a husband, so you shouldn't settle for any less than what you know you NEED. The book just talks about how many women focus too much on their "wants" and those things ultimately aren't going to be important in a marriage.
I haven't dated 40 women in my entire life...and I have never married, been engaged, or lived with a woman. I'm 35. I've been single for 5 years and have not had a date in ages. You women have no idea what truly being lonely is like. Women can get companionship and dates way easier than men. I would do anything to be in your situation you have it way better than someone like me.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
