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My relationship with my wife's parents has always been cold, distant, forced and very ill at ease. There has never been any yelling, screaming or rude comments. Instead, the conflict has been "passive aggressive." Typically there has been lots of: silence, rolling eyes, embarrassed looks, disapproval, one word responses to my questions, etc.
The advice of my friends when I ask about this is just to avoid the in-laws and my wife's sisters and brother. This sounds good in theory but we are expected to attend and if we don't there is lots of gossip and even more hard feelings.
So they are rude to you, and you care about their hard feelings?
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The in-laws get even more angry and tell everyone who will listen that I am forcing my wife away from the family with my fake excuses for missing family events.
What I would do is sit them down and tell them these behaviors (list them specifically) will no longer be tolerated. It is rude, and I won't accept them. If they persist, I won't be joining family get togethers. The power is all in your hands.
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If you have conflict with your in-laws, how have you dealt with it in the past?
Above. In my case it was a disagreement over my child and not a small one but a major one. I asked them politely. I told them my reasoning. I told them that it was the pediatricians advice. I finally told them this stops now or the children don't come here anymore. They stopped. They were pissed. Two years later they told me I was right to insist.
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I have fantasies of just sitting down with them and telling them what I think and having it out with them. The results would be that we reach a compromise, or they get so angry at me that they throw me out of the house and never invite me to a family event again, which would solve the problem. It could not get any worse in my opinion.
I don't see what is wrong with that scenario. You can't MAKE them be reasonably. People treat you only as you LET them.
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I asked my wife and she said if I wanted to have it out with her parents and brothers and sisters, she would not mind and would back me up.
Years ago, I sent a letter to my oldest sister explaining the many reasons why her behavior is so toxic and how her constant berating of my husband, my other sister's husband and my brother's wife was extremely hurtful and just not true in 98% of the things she said. Not only did she insert new words to add to "my bashing her" but she went around to those who would listen and told outright lies. I confronted her once on this and asked her how she could misconstrue what I had explained to her and she said she stopped reading after the first sentence because she didn't want to be hurt.
OK, she's nuts. I'm not gonna lie. I could have her committed tomorrow and no one would disagree. However, most people don't want to confront any "unpleasantries" so writing a letter, I think, would just fuel the fire. There's room for misinterpretation. And then they have it in writing the horrible things you said to them...oh, workaholic, I feel for you but I don't think that's the answer. If they were reasonable to begin with, it might work but it doesn't seem as if they are!
Years ago, I sent a letter to my oldest sister explaining the many reasons why her behavior is so toxic and how her constant berating of my husband, my other sister's husband and my brother's wife was extremely hurtful and just not true in 98% of the things she said. Not only did she insert new words to add to "my bashing her" but she went around to those who would listen and told outright lies. I confronted her once on this and asked her how she could misconstrue what I had explained to her and she said she stopped reading after the first sentence because she didn't want to be hurt.
OK, she's nuts. I'm not gonna lie. I could have her committed tomorrow and no one would disagree. However, most people don't want to confront any "unpleasantries" so writing a letter, I think, would just fuel the fire. There's room for misinterpretation. And then they have it in writing the horrible things you said to them...oh, workaholic, I feel for you but I don't think that's the answer. If they were reasonable to begin with, it might work but it doesn't seem as if they are!
Yeah. I've never seen a situation where writing a letter would improve matters.
My relationship with my wife's parents has always been cold, distant, forced and very ill at ease. There has never been any yelling, screaming or rude comments. Instead, the conflict has been "passive aggressive." Typically there has been lots of: silence, rolling eyes, embarrassed looks, disapproval, one word responses to my questions, etc.
The advice of my friends when I ask about this is just to avoid the in-laws and my wife's sisters and brother. This sounds good in theory but we are expected to attend and if we don't there is lots of gossip and even more hard feelings. The in-laws get even more angry and tell everyone who will listen that I am forcing my wife away from the family with my fake excuses for missing family events.
If you have conflict with your in-laws, how have you dealt with it in the past?
I have fantasies of just sitting down with them and telling them what I think and having it out with them. The results would be that we reach a compromise, or they get so angry at me that they throw me out of the house and never invite me to a family event again, which would solve the problem. It could not get any worse in my opinion.
I asked my wife and she said if I wanted to have it out with her parents and brothers and sisters, she would not mind and would back me up.
What do you think?
And if you do have it out with them, pick a really memorable time/place to do it - like Christmas Day at the dining room table!
But seriously, if they are rolling their eyes, looking embarrassed and otherwise acting uncomfortable every time they are around you make sure that you aren't doing anything to make them act that way. You may not mean to offend, but maybe you are (?). Is there any possibility at all that you're being over-sensitive, yourself?
If you are minding your manners (really watching yourself) and they all still act that way towards you....that would be very odd, indeed. But since it's only random, weird looks as opposed to nasty insults/slams - it's kind of hard to call them on it, much less make a scene over it. Even direct little slams (to your face/within your earshot) may not be worth "having it out" over.
Next time you get an eye roll, ask politely "I'm sorry, did I say something?" Maybe they aren't even aware of their own facial expressions?
How are the other in-laws in the family being treated? What makes you think that they are gossiping about you?
And if you do have it out with them, pick a really memorable time/place to do it - like Christmas Day at the dining room table!
But seriously, if they are rolling their eyes, looking embarrassed and otherwise acting uncomfortable every time they are around you make sure that you aren't doing anything to make them act that way. You may not mean to offend, but maybe you are (?). Is there any possibility at all that you're being over-sensitive, yourself?
If you're minding your manners (really watching yourself) and they all still act that way towards you....that would be very odd, indeed. But since it's only random, weird looks as opposed to nasty insults/slams - it's kind of hard to call them on it, much less make a scene over it. Even direct little slams (to your face/within your earshot) may not be worth "having it out" over.
Next time you get an eye roll, ask politely "I'm sorry, did I say something?" Maybe they aren't even aware of their own facial expressions?
How are the other in-laws in the family being treated?
Exactly. There's an assumption on the part of the OP that he isn't doing anything wrong in the first place.
How are the other in-laws in the family being treated? What makes you think that they are gossiping about you?
The other men who married the five Hanson daughters (my wife's family) have all divorced them except for one man. He absolutely refuses to speak to anyone at a family event and just puts in his time.
During the short marriages of the other sisters I remember the husbands were all treated rudely and you could cut the tension in the air with a knife.
So, no, I am not the only husband who is treated rudely.
Maybe I am wrong but the passive aggressive way everyone is responding to this conflict is not telling me what I am doing wrong.
So maybe that's the answer: don't make a huge fuss...but calmly, when you notice a gesture or comment...or avoidance...say something about it. Hey, have I offended you? Is something going on I should be aware of? Have I bothered you in some way?
By addressing it immediately, you can hopefully move past it more quickly...or change so it gets better...or stop going altogether. I really wish you all the luck to work this out.
The other men who married the five Hanson daughters (my wife's family) have all divorced them except for one man. He absolutely refuses to speak to anyone at a family event and just puts in his time.
During the short marriages of the other sisters I remember the husbands were all treated rudely and you could cut the tension in the air with a knife.
So, no, I am not the only husband who is treated rudely.
Divorces can happen for a lot of different reasons, but those are a lot of divorces (and a lot of pain) to have in one family!
Maybe these folks have have begun to view their in-laws as "the enemy" or "the competition" and almost feel it's their duty to "protect" what is theirs (your wife) - by driving a wedge between her and her horrible husband. If that's the case, I would keep the visits short, few and far between.
It's possible that they are acting awkward/uncomfortable/embarrassed because of the way that they have treated you (weird, but it happens).
I wouldn't have it out with them (that would just be more ammo for them), but I would keep my distance. It's good that your wife can see the problem and is on your side!
Last edited by springfieldva; 12-15-2011 at 02:57 PM..
For example, I used to bring up subjects for discussion that would get the "look." My problems started when I perceived these non-verbal communications as passive aggressive OR when I ignored it and kept on insisting that the discussion continue.
Now when I start a discussion, whether it be controversial in nature or a personal question, I approach people in two ways. I decide that what I am about to discuss or ask is in my interest to know (not gossip) AND that other person has a right to refuse the discussion either verbally or non-verbally.
This is how I get to know people and then I can decide which topics they enjoy discussing and which ones they don't. I remember this information because they are important to me.
Make a joke of it all....when they come over act like a goon....if they roll their eyes, stand up and yell "Yahooooooo" - laugh like a fool! Eat with your mouth open.....drop things.....laugh at odd times.....watch strange TV programmes....ask them very weird questions.....enjoy yourself....they aren't going to like you no matter what you do...so what the HEC!!!
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