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Old 12-22-2011, 01:42 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 56,985,827 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rebel06 View Post
Just wondering if it has ever worked for anyone? I have read articles that praised it and articles against it. My husband of three years is a functional alcoholic, and it took me until a year ago to realize that he had a problem. I would see him drink a beer or two, but never knew about all the others he drank in private. You cannot tell he is intoxicated other than that he gets very quiet and "aloof." For YEARS I kept thinking he was mad at me, and then I realized one day he was drunk. (He was in one of his quiet modes one evening and didn't remember a phone call with his sister.)

He has now lost THREE jobs in the three years we've been married, and I highly suspect that his addictions to alcohol and marijuana have a lot to do with it. His last employer told him he doesn't even know the basics of accounting (he has an advanced accounting degree). Last summer, he grew his own "weed" and I'm pretty sure he smokes it almost daily. He's 51 years old and every time he gets fired, he has a harder and harder time finding another job. If he doesn't get one and keep it, I fear our financial future is screwed. He has no retirement, no pension. I have both.

Is it unreasonable to tell him to either seek help or expect me to leave?
Your financial future is screwed if you stay with him.

You can try giving him an ultimatum but keep in mind, he's had that drinking and drug problem for quite some time and you can be sure he sought out someone like you who is responsible and has a retirement so he you can take care of him. Addicts also use people, they really like having an enabler around because then they don't have to quit.

The ultimatum has to be given for yourself. You can tell him to get help but when he won't or won't stop his addictions then you must leave. You really cannot change him, there is nothing you can say or do that will make him stop the drugs and alcohol, you can only change what you can change and that is yourself.
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Old 12-22-2011, 06:23 AM
 
Location: Virginia
142 posts, read 375,780 times
Reputation: 336
What awesome responses -- thank you all so much. I have learned a lot here and plan to re-read all of these posts from time to time in order to stay on track. He has admitted that he has a problem, so we will see what happens next.
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Old 12-22-2011, 10:55 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,264 posts, read 83,834,677 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dr74 View Post
Sounds like A FUNCTIONAL ADDICT TO ME..
And no it does not always work...
This issue is bigger than you, your marriage and love...

But what I have always told clients? Only you know what you can deal with and you can love someone to death!
you can barter with leverage,,meaning proclaiming divorce..they may not care..you can state that they haveto leave,,chances are they will.
The question all boils down to YOU..
you Can DO IT BY YOURSELF...
if you are tired and you realize your worth kick him out and wait for him to hit rock bottom ...some never do, so be prepared to find someone else..
Good post, but I will add this...alcoholics like this don't change unless THEY are motivated to do so internally. External motivation by family members is not very successful.

So she should not give him the ultimatum unless she is FULLY prepared to carry it through and go on without him because that is the likely scenario she will face.

She should of course confront the issue head on, offer to stand by him in treatment and give him the chance to get clean and sober.

But if he doesn't follow through she has the right to live a healthier life and find a healthy man who will really love her.
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Old 12-22-2011, 02:08 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 56,985,827 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rebel06 View Post
What awesome responses -- thank you all so much. I have learned a lot here and plan to re-read all of these posts from time to time in order to stay on track. He has admitted that he has a problem, so we will see what happens next.
Yes, just be careful, the fact that they admit they have a problem doesn't mean a thing. Sometimes it's just something they say that they figure will buy them more time with the enabler.

If I were you, I would start going to Al-Anon meetings and the open AA meetings. One of the more difficult aspects of this problem is for the enabler or co-dependent to admit they too have a problem and the whole role he or she plays.
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Old 12-22-2011, 09:11 PM
 
18,856 posts, read 29,371,692 times
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I don't believe in "ultimatums". They are manipulative, and childish. If you are so fed up with the ongoing behavior, leave, and file for divorce. Move on with life, and leave the drama behind. If the loser wants you back, they know where to find you, and they know what it will take to get you back. Then, decide if you want this drama in your life, or if you want your new, relaxing, drama free life.

I dated my loser for a year after I left, and he did slide, he thought I was going to come back, I did not, I had a job, my own apartment, I continued to be addicted to him, and his drama, but kept my own place, and finally realized he would not change. I moved on.

Sure, I miss him. Drug addicts are a lot of fun. You party, fight, make up. But I wanted off the mechanical bull ride.
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Old 12-22-2011, 10:31 PM
 
9,829 posts, read 8,886,051 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
I don't believe in "ultimatums". They are manipulative, and childish. If you are so fed up with the ongoing behavior, leave, and file for divorce. Move on with life, and leave the drama behind. If the loser wants you back, they know where to find you, and they know what it will take to get you back. Then, decide if you want this drama in your life, or if you want your new, relaxing, drama free life.

I dated my loser for a year after I left, and he did slide, he thought I was going to come back, I did not, I had a job, my own apartment, I continued to be addicted to him, and his drama, but kept my own place, and finally realized he would not change. I moved on.

Sure, I miss him. Drug addicts are a lot of fun. You party, fight, make up. But I wanted off the mechanical bull ride.

Sorry, but I don't think anyone should tell a person to leave their spouse and file for divorce. That's an extremely personal decision and not one to be taken lightly. Further, saying the OP is being manipulative and childish is rude. Maybe that wasn't your intention but that's how I interpreted it. Sorry if I'm wrong.
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Old 12-22-2011, 10:56 PM
 
4,101 posts, read 5,686,281 times
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You have been married for three years, do you remember how single life was for you? Which was happier, married to a drunk or single? Personally, I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, I would file for divorce and then tell him why. If he lost his job and filed for divorce you would be supporting him the rest of your life, I wouldn't take a chance on doing that. He has nothing and you work and have retirement, he will have what ever you have if you hang around. I know this is a difficult decision to make, but bad things could happen to you financially, because you are married to him.
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Old 12-22-2011, 11:31 PM
 
18,856 posts, read 29,371,692 times
Reputation: 25884
I still think ultimatums are stupid. Either you want to leave or you don't. Don't expect anyone to change because you are going to stamp your little feet and demand that they change or else...it is completely delusional to expect a drug addict to really care.

It just continues the drama.
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Old 12-23-2011, 06:42 AM
 
Location: Virginia
142 posts, read 375,780 times
Reputation: 336
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
I still think ultimatums are stupid. Either you want to leave or you don't. Don't expect anyone to change because you are going to stamp your little feet and demand that they change or else...it is completely delusional to expect a drug addict to really care.

It just continues the drama.
There was no foot stamping or demanding. There was a calm discussion, with me letting him know where I stand. He agreed he had a problem, and HE got rid of everything. He asked me to be patient while he went through the withdrawal process. He told me I was more important to him than the alcohol and MJ. Until he gives me reason to doubt that, I will support him through this. I told him there would be no nagging. I also told him I have a ZERO tolerance policy as far as the alcohol and MJ goes, and if he loses the next job he gets, I am leaving. He understands, and I am giving him a chance. HOWEVER, I WILL follow through, and he knows that (because he knows I always followed through on my punishments for my kids). I am hoping for the best, and prepared for the worst.
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Old 12-23-2011, 07:09 AM
 
Location: San Diego Native to Denver Metro Transplant
10,076 posts, read 6,446,693 times
Reputation: 7215
I am going through this now but I am the drinker. I am not in denial and I have held my job for over six years. My wife and I are strong in our relationship but I know it is time for me to give it up. I am a functioning alcoholic. Sad to say but it is true. When I moved to Colorado I barely drank but then I discovered the micro breweries out here and it snowballed from there. I am very open with my wife about this and she is helping me. I am sobering up for my family and it feels great. Hopefully your husband has that moment of clarity that I have experienced. The best part of it is I now know I have the strength to quit. I hope it works out for you and happy sober holidays to everyone.
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