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Old 12-24-2011, 07:58 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 27 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,640 posts, read 50,894,234 times
Reputation: 60678

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Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
You (and the OP) are postulating that there is a connection between the drinking and the job loss, when in fact, there is no evidence of this being the case. For a man that has a degree in accounting, who was told, essentially, that he didn't know what he was doing, makes me think that he SIMPLY DID NOT CARE, and that he was no happy doing this kind of work.

I have personally known a man who OWNED an accounting firm and was a raging drunk. It didn't stop him from doing a fine job with his client's accounts. I was the receptionist and you could hear the mixer make a "Pfffffft" sound every time he opened it to make himself a drink at work. And believe me that was very, very often.

Alcohol is a beverage just like any other. The difference being that it has the added benefit of making you feel good. In France, Italy and Germany, it is very customary to drink a glass of wine or beer with lunch and then go back to work.

I am not defensive. I will be the first to admit that I drink and enjoy it very much. What I am defensive about is people assuming you are an alcoholic just because you like to drink. There is a big difference between LIKE to drink and HAVE to drink.

Many people drink (and do drugs) because they are UNHAPPY. I do not consider these people addicts. I consider them people who are self-medicating. It is no different than getting a prescription for Zanax or Paxil or Prozac or any of the other hundreds of anti-depressants that are out there. I think this is the OP's husband's problem. He is not happy with his life and he is seeking out some pleasure from a bottle. It happens a lot and it does NOT MEAN HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. It means he's freakin' miserable and he can't figure out any other way to fix it.

20yrsinBranson
Well, yeah, it is very different. For one thing, Xanax is an anti-anxiety drug, not an anti-depressant. So in that case, yes, it is closer to alcohol, which is probably the best anti-anxiety drug in existance...at first.

But Prozac and Paxil ARE anti-depressants, and there is a huge difference--you don't get high or buzzed from taking anti-depressants, and a single dose isn't going to do a damn thing. I have seen ignorant people on message boards before say "take a Prozac", as if taking one Prozac would have an effect. That would be like taking one blood-pressure pill and expecting a change that day.
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Old 12-25-2011, 08:33 AM
 
Location: In The Thin Air
11,328 posts, read 7,328,588 times
Reputation: 8105
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
You (and the OP) are postulating that there is a connection between the drinking and the job loss, when in fact, there is no evidence of this being the case. For a man that has a degree in accounting, who was told, essentially, that he didn't know what he was doing, makes me think that he SIMPLY DID NOT CARE, and that he was no happy doing this kind of work.

I have personally known a man who OWNED an accounting firm and was a raging drunk. It didn't stop him from doing a fine job with his client's accounts. I was the receptionist and you could hear the mixer make a "Pfffffft" sound every time he opened it to make himself a drink at work. And believe me that was very, very often.

Alcohol is a beverage just like any other. The difference being that it has the added benefit of making you feel good. In France, Italy and Germany, it is very customary to drink a glass of wine or beer with lunch and then go back to work.

I am not defensive. I will be the first to admit that I drink and enjoy it very much. What I am defensive about is people assuming you are an alcoholic just because you like to drink. There is a big difference between LIKE to drink and HAVE to drink.

Many people drink (and do drugs) because they are UNHAPPY. I do not consider these people addicts. I consider them people who are self-medicating. It is no different than getting a prescription for Zanax or Paxil or Prozac or any of the other hundreds of anti-depressants that are out there. I think this is the OP's husband's problem. He is not happy with his life and he is seeking out some pleasure from a bottle. It happens a lot and it does NOT MEAN HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. It means he's freakin' miserable and he can't figure out any other way to fix it.

20yrsinBranson
I have no problem with people drinking. I pass no judgement on people that do. I just took it too far. When it dictates your life it is time to quit or take a long break. I still hang out with my buddies that drink. I love being the sober one because now I can see how stupid we act when intoxicated. Having a beer or two here or there is ok but I can not do that until I know I can handle it. At this point I would not be able to handle it. I would go right back into my self destructive pattern. I will never preach about sobriety to anyone because I have no right to do so but I will talk to anyone that asks me about my situation in order to help them with theirs. Best wishes to all this holiday season.
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Old 12-25-2011, 10:30 AM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,182 posts, read 14,324,626 times
Reputation: 14788
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timmyy View Post
I have no problem with people drinking. I pass no judgement on people that do. I just took it too far. When it dictates your life it is time to quit or take a long break. I still hang out with my buddies that drink. I love being the sober one because now I can see how stupid we act when intoxicated. Having a beer or two here or there is ok but I can not do that until I know I can handle it. At this point I would not be able to handle it. I would go right back into my self destructive pattern. I will never preach about sobriety to anyone because I have no right to do so but I will talk to anyone that asks me about my situation in order to help them with theirs. Best wishes to all this holiday season.
Have a very merry holiday season yourself and best of luck with your continued sobriety. It takes a strong person to do it alone, but in the end, that's where all the work has to take place.
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Old 12-25-2011, 02:15 PM
 
18,856 posts, read 30,584,271 times
Reputation: 26004
What people from the "outside" don't get, is that drinking and drugging are only part of the problem. My ex wanted to smoke pot all day, so it was not just being high, it was the time he spent on that activity, rather than wanting to be with me. Same goes for the money he budgeted for his frining and drugging, and then, the kids, do you want a drunk or high person taking care of a child? No, so basically you are a single parent. You never know when they will come home, or the shape they will be in, every day is a complete see-saw, because nothing is predictable. And the drinking/drugging spouse wants you to party with them...well, who cleans the house? Buys food? Does all the errands? So, if you drink and drug too, and are wiped out all weekend, that stuff never gets done.

It is not drinking alone, it is the entire lifestyle, and attitude. Even for functioning drunks, they may function at work, barely, but they drink to oblivion at home. No one understands this from the outside..sure, what is wrong with a few drinks...and consider the spouse with the "issue" a flag carrying Carrie Nation...

And it becomes a cycle, of being Co-Dependent, and enabling the addict..and you feel like a martyr for being so virtuous, and "helpful"...when you are really just as guilty in letting the whole cycle spin.
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Old 12-25-2011, 02:23 PM
 
15,844 posts, read 18,565,036 times
Reputation: 25629
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rebel06 View Post
Just wondering if it has ever worked for anyone? I have read articles that praised it and articles against it. My husband of three years is a functional alcoholic, and it took me until a year ago to realize that he had a problem. I would see him drink a beer or two, but never knew about all the others he drank in private. You cannot tell he is intoxicated other than that he gets very quiet and "aloof." For YEARS I kept thinking he was mad at me, and then I realized one day he was drunk. (He was in one of his quiet modes one evening and didn't remember a phone call with his sister.)

He has now lost THREE jobs in the three years we've been married, and I highly suspect that his addictions to alcohol and marijuana have a lot to do with it. His last employer told him he doesn't even know the basics of accounting (he has an advanced accounting degree). Last summer, he grew his own "weed" and I'm pretty sure he smokes it almost daily. He's 51 years old and every time he gets fired, he has a harder and harder time finding another job. If he doesn't get one and keep it, I fear our financial future is screwed. He has no retirement, no pension. I have both.

Is it unreasonable to tell him to either seek help or expect me to leave?
I want to ask, why are you making your life choices based on what his decision will be. You should take care of you. In my opinion, 51, He is not going to change. how could you have not known his habits before you married him?? Your staying, or not, should be your decision. He obviously isn't functioning enough to decide what to do w/ his life, much less yours together. I's be outta there. But, you certainly want to talk to a lawyer, to discuss your divorce options, likely he will get some part of whatever you earned towards your pension, retirement during last three yrs of marriage. Unless you get a savvy attorney that bargains it down to nothing. Good luck. my opinions only
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Old 12-25-2011, 07:41 PM
 
4,584 posts, read 6,176,770 times
Reputation: 5234
People do what they want to do. He is drinking because he wants to. Here's a test. Turn on a burner on the stove and ask him to put his hand on it for a minute. He won't do it because the amount of pain is more than the task. if he isn't working where does he get money to buy booze?

He's 51 and in 14 years he will be 65. Think about it.. You have a pension and he has no retirement.. Think about it.. Do what you feel is best for you but I'm sure you already know..
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Old 12-25-2011, 08:28 PM
 
18,856 posts, read 30,584,271 times
Reputation: 26004
You should watch "Leaving Las Vegas" tonight. "28 days" tomorrow night, "Clean and Sober" the night after that...those are just the ones off the top of my head...
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Old 12-25-2011, 09:05 PM
 
15,844 posts, read 18,565,036 times
Reputation: 25629
Seriously, OP. Get yourself to a co-dependency meeting, group or counselor. You need to get in touch w/ what has happened to you while accepted unacceptable behaviors, and you need support so that you can make some logical, rational decisions. Please do that, been there. DM if you need to talk sometime.
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Old 12-27-2011, 07:09 AM
 
Location: Virginia
142 posts, read 395,406 times
Reputation: 336
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
You post intrigues me. I drink myself on a regular basis as does my dh. It is a recreational activity that we both enjoy, it's very relaxing and really doesn't do any harm (moderate intake of alcohol has been shown to be beneficial).

There seems to be a pervasive feeling here that drinking is "bad" or "evil", the OP's husband is not beating her in a drunken rage. You do not mention that you or the (OP's dh) drive drunk or otherwise endangers the rest of the world. I cannot for the life of me figure out what you, and everyone else finds so incredibly objectionable about drinking alcohol. Good lord, people have been doing it FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, because it is an enjoyable and, for the most part, harmless experience.

Honestly, I am shocked at all the puritanical, oppressive responses to the OP's post. Good grief, the man is an adult. Let him have some fun for chrissakes!

20yrsinBranson
Really???!! I should let him drink until he is in a complete stupor, and I should support him for the rest of his life because he can't hold a job because of his disease? Just because he's having fun for chrissakes? Oh, yeah, that's pure JOY for ME! DUH.
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Old 12-27-2011, 07:47 AM
 
24,800 posts, read 26,947,512 times
Reputation: 22895
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
You post intrigues me. I drink myself on a regular basis as does my dh. It is a recreational activity that we both enjoy, it's very relaxing and really doesn't do any harm (moderate intake of alcohol has been shown to be beneficial).

There seems to be a pervasive feeling here that drinking is "bad" or "evil", the OP's husband is not beating her in a drunken rage. You do not mention that you or the (OP's dh) drive drunk or otherwise endangers the rest of the world. I cannot for the life of me figure out what you, and everyone else finds so incredibly objectionable about drinking alcohol. Good lord, people have been doing it FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, because it is an enjoyable and, for the most part, harmless experience.

Honestly, I am shocked at all the puritanical, oppressive responses to the OP's post. Good grief, the man is an adult. Let him have some fun for chrissakes!

20yrsinBranson
Eh, 20years....one or two drinks a day for a man is ok/beneficial. But you mentioned your husband sometimes drinks up to 6 beers in a day. This is not healthy or beneficial. Binge drinking literally kills brain cells and increases the risk of alzheimers/dementia later in life, amongst other problems.
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